Need advice getting over my first (unrequited) love

[Mr Companion]

I'm 23, I have very little sex drive and I'm remarkably unemotional, hence why this is the first time I've fallen in love.
So here's the story I'll try to keep it short
I want a D&D group so I find an old friend, I go to her house and she says she's trying to set one up. We play for some weeks until she suggests some of us watch anime together. Since I'm the only person who doesn't have to drive there it's easy for me to attend, and ONLY me. In her bedroom.
She just so happens to be into the same things as I am, has the same views on things as I do, is pretty attractive (who doesn't love short red hair) and is willing to talk about the deep stuff. She's a great conversationalist and seems into me.
Turns out she doesn't feel the same way but still wants to be friends and of course so do I.

So now 2 weeks later and I've tried everything. Gaming, movies, reading, running, socialising, reconnecting with my father and brother, self reflection. Rick and Morty, everything! On a conscious level I got over it pretty quickly (about 2 days) but my brain won't stop producing weird chemicals complete with highs and withdrawal all on it's own. How do I make it stop doing this?

PS: When I say got over it I mean the rejection. Obviously purging all feelings towards somebody over the course of 2 days is beyond even my magnificent self control.

 

[Saelune]

Did you ask her why she doesn't feel the same? Cause I mean, is it where she just cant no matter what feel anything for you, or is it because she, like many people are too dumb to realize a good thing?

I genuinely think way too many people sabotage their own happiness this way.

 

[Phasmal]

It's a shame that it didn't work out for you. I think you've just got to give yourself more time, it's only been 2 weeks.
I always find Dr. Nerdlove gives good advice, so maybe give this a read: http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2016/05/how-to-get-over-her/

Did you ask her why she doesn't feel the same? Cause I mean, is it where she just cant no matter what feel anything for you, or is it because she, like many people are too dumb to realize a good thing?

I genuinely think way too many people sabotage their own happiness this way.

OP, do not do the thing. Seriously. Don't ask a girl why she doesn't have feelings for you, it will not end with her deciding all of a sudden that she does have feelings for you, it'll just make everything more awkward. Respect this girl's own opinions and emotions on the matter.

 

[Saelune]

It's a shame that it didn't work out for you. I think you've just got to give yourself more time, it's only been 2 weeks.
I always find Dr. Nerdlove gives good advice, so maybe give this a read: http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2016/05/how-to-get-over-her/

Did you ask her why she doesn't feel the same? Cause I mean, is it where she just cant no matter what feel anything for you, or is it because she, like many people are too dumb to realize a good thing?

I genuinely think way too many people sabotage their own happiness this way.

OP, do not do the thing. Seriously. Don't ask a girl why she doesn't have feelings for you, it will not end with her deciding all of a sudden that she does have feelings for you, it'll just make everything more awkward. Respect this girl's own opinions and emotions on the matter.

Some people are stupid. I think there is a severe lack of honesty in relationships, and potential relationships. I'm not saying she will suddenly fall for him. Maybe she will have a genuine reason, or maybe she is stupid. May sound harsh, but based on the number of relationships that fail, or don't start for the dumbest things, (hell, there is an ongoing topic right now that showcases it perfectly), and I think getting over our individual bullshit is needed to help us end up in loving, lasting relationships with others.

 

[Glongpre]

Some people are stupid. I think there is a severe lack of honesty in relationships, and potential relationships. I'm not saying she will suddenly fall for him. Maybe she will have a genuine reason, or maybe she is stupid. May sound harsh, but based on the number of relationships that fail, or don't start for the dumbest things, (hell, there is an ongoing topic right now that showcases it perfectly), and I think getting over our individual bullshit is needed to help us end up in loving, lasting relationships with others.

Yea but that's the thing, people need to find out themselves. I think he has no chance of kindling a relationship by being the aggressor. She has said her piece and he needs to respect that. He should stay friends if possible (if it is too hard then break up as friends as well). If she wants to be more then she will ask. Or not.

Also OP, if this is the first one, then it will be the toughest to get over. Until of course, you find another who shares your love. The emotions just feel so strong because it is the only time you have felt them, but you will find someone who can bring the same emotions to you, you just need to keep chugging along.

 

[Phasmal]

Some people are stupid. I think there is a severe lack of honesty in relationships, and potential relationships. I'm not saying she will suddenly fall for him. Maybe she will have a genuine reason, or maybe she is stupid. May sound harsh, but based on the number of relationships that fail, or don't start for the dumbest things, (hell, there is an ongoing topic right now that showcases it perfectly), and I think getting over our individual bullshit is needed to help us end up in loving, lasting relationships with others.

You seem to have the wrong end of the stick, here. She doesn't need a reason, and she certainly doesn't need a reason that anyone deems 'good enough' for her not to be 'stupid'. Her not wanting to is reason enough.

I can tell you, having been there personally, people trying to push you to go out with someone (or justify not going out with someone) that you're not interested in is just awkward and unpleasant. It's not going to change anything.

Not to mention, we only have OP's side of this, and while I'm sure they're very nice, we don't know anything about the woman in question. So declaring her stupid and pretending anyone in this thread knows what's better for her than she does is kind of patronising and silly.

So, yeah. No.

 

[Saelune]

Some people are stupid. I think there is a severe lack of honesty in relationships, and potential relationships. I'm not saying she will suddenly fall for him. Maybe she will have a genuine reason, or maybe she is stupid. May sound harsh, but based on the number of relationships that fail, or don't start for the dumbest things, (hell, there is an ongoing topic right now that showcases it perfectly), and I think getting over our individual bullshit is needed to help us end up in loving, lasting relationships with others.

Yea but that's the thing, people need to find out themselves. I think he has no chance of kindling a relationship by being the aggressor. She has said her piece and he needs to respect that. He should stay friends if possible (if it is too hard then break up as friends as well). If she wants to be more then she will ask. Or not.

Also OP, if this is the first one, then it will be the toughest to get over. Until of course, you find another who shares your love. The emotions just feel so strong because it is the only time you have felt them, but you will find someone who can bring the same emotions to you, you just need to keep chugging along.

Some people are stupid. I think there is a severe lack of honesty in relationships, and potential relationships. I'm not saying she will suddenly fall for him. Maybe she will have a genuine reason, or maybe she is stupid. May sound harsh, but based on the number of relationships that fail, or don't start for the dumbest things, (hell, there is an ongoing topic right now that showcases it perfectly), and I think getting over our individual bullshit is needed to help us end up in loving, lasting relationships with others.

You seem to have the wrong end of the stick, here. She doesn't need a reason, and she certainly doesn't need a reason that anyone deems 'good enough' for her not to be 'stupid'. Her not wanting to is reason enough.

I can tell you, having been there personally, people trying to push you to go out with someone (or justify not going out with someone) that you're not interested in is just awkward and unpleasant. It's not going to change anything.

Not to mention, we only have OP's side of this, and while I'm sure they're very nice, we don't know anything about the woman in question. So declaring her stupid and pretending anyone in this thread knows what's better for her than she does is kind of patronising and silly.

So, yeah. No.

I'm not saying corner her in a room, lock the door, and say "Tell me why you don't love me, or else!"

Can simply ask "Why do you not feel the same? So I can understand." And be considerate about it.

And no, she doesn't -need- a reason, but she also doesn't have to be happy either. The silly idea of "The friendzone" being the graveyard of love is something that needs to die. If you cant say your romantic partner is your best friend, then maybe you aren't dating the right person. But way too often people get it in their head that they cant date their friends, which is, well, stupid.

I don't know the whole story, but apparently neither does he, and maybe I don't deserve to know everything, I think he deserves something.

I really would love to think people know what is best for themselves, but I see it time and time again that that is factually not true. And I say this as someone who has made stupid choices too, for bullshit reasons. Ive been on both sides of this.

 

[Phasmal]

I'm not saying corner her in a room, lock the door, and say "Tell me why you don't love me, or else!"

Can simply ask "Why do you not feel the same? So I can understand." And be considerate about it.

And no, she doesn't -need- a reason, but she also doesn't have to be happy either. The silly idea of "The friendzone" being the graveyard of love is something that needs to die. If you cant say your romantic partner is your best friend, then maybe you aren't dating the right person. But way too often people get it in their head that they cant date their friends, which is, well, stupid.

I don't know the whole story, but apparently neither does he, and maybe I don't deserve to know everything, I think he deserves something.

I really would love to think people know what is best for themselves, but I see it time and time again that that is factually not true. And I say this as someone who has made stupid choices too, for bullshit reasons. Ive been on both sides of this.

Nothing she says is going to matter, though. The end of the day- she doesn't want to date him.

No, 'the friendzone' is not a thing, but that doesn't mean your friends have to want to date you either. And wtf -she doesn't have to be happy-??? Why are you acting like you know what will make her happy and what won't? You don't.

I think you're a little too set in this mindset. If a guy I rejected asked me why, not only would I likely not tell him the real reason, I'd be weirded the fuck out and probably wouldn't want to be friends with him either. If someone rejects you, respect their decisions, don't question them.

I dunno, dude. My boyfriend is my best friend, but he wouldn't have been either if I'd have turned him down and he'd been like BUT WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY.
(OP; sorry for the derail)

 

[Saelune]

I'm not saying corner her in a room, lock the door, and say "Tell me why you don't love me, or else!"

Can simply ask "Why do you not feel the same? So I can understand." And be considerate about it.

And no, she doesn't -need- a reason, but she also doesn't have to be happy either. The silly idea of "The friendzone" being the graveyard of love is something that needs to die. If you cant say your romantic partner is your best friend, then maybe you aren't dating the right person. But way too often people get it in their head that they cant date their friends, which is, well, stupid.

I don't know the whole story, but apparently neither does he, and maybe I don't deserve to know everything, I think he deserves something.

I really would love to think people know what is best for themselves, but I see it time and time again that that is factually not true. And I say this as someone who has made stupid choices too, for bullshit reasons. Ive been on both sides of this.

Nothing she says is going to matter, though. The end of the day- she doesn't want to date him.

No, 'the friendzone' is not a thing, but that doesn't mean your friends have to want to date you either. And wtf -she doesn't have to be happy-??? Why are you acting like you know what will make her happy and what won't? You don't.

I think you're a little too set in this mindset. If a guy I rejected asked me why, not only would I likely not tell him the real reason, I'd be weirded the fuck out and probably wouldn't want to be friends with him either. If someone rejects you, respect their decisions, don't question them.

I dunno, dude. My boyfriend is my best friend, but he wouldn't have been either if I'd have turned him down and he'd been like BUT WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY.
(OP; sorry for the derail)

Maybe its just a problem you have then. You might have a locked in mindset too. And no, she doesn't have to be happy. Not saying the OP definatly would make her happy, but you can sabotage your own happiness and well-being.

I'm the kind of person who asks why. If you don't ask why, you don't understand things. Love isn't excluded from that. In a more respectable society, people would atleast be honest with eachother on such matters. Makes for a less complicated world.

 

[Phasmal]

Maybe its just a problem you have then. You might have a locked in mindset too. And no, she doesn't have to be happy. Not saying the OP definatly would make her happy, but you can sabotage your own happiness and well-being.

I'm the kind of person who asks why. If you don't ask why, you don't understand things. Love isn't excluded from that. In a more respectable society, people would atleast be honest with eachother on such matters. Makes for a less complicated world.

Perhaps. If so, it's a problem that has allowed me to have long, happy relationships. So 'problem' probably isn't the word I'd use.
And to be honest, the only question you need answering is 'Do you want to go out with me?' and if the answer is 'No', there's very little point in pursuing it further. It's not a particularly complicated issue in the first place.

 

[Saelune]

Maybe its just a problem you have then. You might have a locked in mindset too. And no, she doesn't have to be happy. Not saying the OP definatly would make her happy, but you can sabotage your own happiness and well-being.

I'm the kind of person who asks why. If you don't ask why, you don't understand things. Love isn't excluded from that. In a more respectable society, people would atleast be honest with eachother on such matters. Makes for a less complicated world.

Perhaps. If so, it's a problem that has allowed me to have long, happy relationships. So 'problem' probably isn't the word I'd use.
And to be honest, the only question you need answering is 'Do you want to go out with me?' and if the answer is 'No', there's very little point in pursuing it further. It's not a particularly complicated issue in the first place.

Well, not everyone is as lucky as you are, and sometimes its their own fault. Its one thing if someone wants to ruin their own life, but since love requires two people, it might not be just themselves who's happiness they are sabotaging.

 

[Phasmal]

Well, not everyone is as lucky as you are, and sometimes its their own fault. Its one thing if someone wants to ruin their own life, but since love requires two people, it might not be just themselves who's happiness they are sabotaging.

You are not entitled to a reason for being rejected.
You are not entitled to the time or affection of someone who rejected you, even if you feel like they are sabotaging both of you.
It's their decision, respect it. Or you just come across as someone who can't accept boundaries and nobody wants to date that person.

 

[Saelune]

Well, not everyone is as lucky as you are, and sometimes its their own fault. Its one thing if someone wants to ruin their own life, but since love requires two people, it might not be just themselves who's happiness they are sabotaging.

You are not entitled to a reason for being rejected.
You are not entitled to the time or affection of someone who rejected you, even if you feel like they are sabotaging both of you.
It's their decision, respect it. Or you just come across as someone who can't accept boundaries and nobody wants to date that person.

You keep acting like only one person is worthy of respect. I think a reason why someone is rejected is a fair thing to give. Afterwards, respect that. Don't wait outside their window every night blasting love songs, don't follow them everywhere, don't keep calling them at all hours, sure, but I think something more than "No" is fair.

I think both people should respect eachother, so there is no misunderstanding or missed opportunities.

 

[Terminal Blue]

I think a reason why someone is rejected is a fair thing to give. Afterwards, respect that.

If the reason isn't going to change what you do or how you feel, why does it matter? What's knowing it going to do for you, except possibly lead you on some ill fated quest to try and be more appealing to someone who, frankly, was probably just making something up to try and spare your feelings. Do you really want to keep hearing the same cliched "it's not you, it's me" routine people come out with when you put them in that situation over and over again? Will it bring you any satisfaction or make the situation easier to bear?

Fundamentally, you don't need a reason not to be attracted to someone, you need a reason to be attracted to them. There needs to be something about them which specifically and positively appeals to you. Asking someone why they aren't interested in you is effectively asking them why they have standards, why won't they just give up and accept you because you're basically an okay human being. That's not the point, you can be an okay human being, heck, you can be a great human being, and it's not instantly going to guarantee that someone is going to want to be with you. It's a situational thing.

It's also incredibly hurtful. I mean, sure, being rejected sucks. We've all been there, but rejecting someone also sucks. It's a really difficult and awkward thing to do, because you can be in the position of really liking someone but at the same time knowing you're making them miserable. Moreover, unlike the person being rejected, you didn't ask for it. You weren't pushing for anything more, you never signed up for any risk, and yet you still have to deal with all the "am I a bad person?" bullshit regardless.

So no. I would say "respecting that" is not dragging it out or making it more difficult than it needs to be.

The best way to avoid "missed opportunities" is to make them actually seem like opportunities, which means making them as safe and risk free as possible. The reason people adopt a principle of not dating their friends is actually because they don't want to risk ruining friendships or upsetting people, the surest way to convince them otherwise is to show them that it isn't a risk. If that's true, it will come across and people will sometimes come to that on their own. When you need to start persuading people into wanting to date you by trying to argue down their reasons not to do it, when you start thinking of them as "dumb" or "sabotaging their own happiness" for not wanting to be with you you, then you've entered a very dangerous headspace in my opinion.

Also, I'm totally with Phasmal on this one. If anyone, male or female, asked for a reason why I wouldn't date them not only would I straight up lie, it would make me very unwilling to ever trust that person even if I did feel attracted to them in future. For me to risk anything, I'd need to know that if it turned out to be a mistake then they'd be okay. If I can't guarantee that, then that's not something I'd feel safe getting involved with. It's not fun to hurt people, and if someone can't take rejection at the point when nothing has happened, how am I to believe they could deal with rejection later?

snip

Hey OP.

Look, I don't know you, so maybe I'm overstepping the boundaries here. But you don't sound like an unemotional person, and I'm not sure how you'd know that you have a low sex drive. These aren't things which just happen to you, like you hit a certain age and suddenly want sex all the time, real things and situations have to pull it out of you. Maybe that's what's happening to you now, and maybe part of why you can't deal with it is because you're so hung up on the idea of being an unemotional person.

I mean, let's do this rationally. You have made a friend with whom you share a lot of interests and hobbies. That's normally a good thing, so why is it registering to you as a bad thing? What fundamentally, is missing which you imagine would not be missing if you could date this person? Is it that you want to have sex with this person, is it that you worry that they will start dating someone else and be taken away from you, is it that you feel a social pressure to be in a relationship or worry that you're missing out on something by not being in one?

I mean, things will get better in time. It's not possible for most people to feel bad about something forever, so really as long as you keep getting up and grinding through the days things will improve, but you can speed it up I find by trying to figure out what is actually missing from your life, because sometimes people get trapped into thinking one person or one thing is the solution to all their problems, but in reality that's seldom true. Lots of people could probably make you happy if you gave them the same chance, but you need to know what it is you actually want.

 

[Saelune]

I think a reason why someone is rejected is a fair thing to give. Afterwards, respect that.

If the reason isn't going to change what you do or how you feel, why does it matter? What's knowing it going to do for you, except possibly lead you on some ill fated quest to try and be more appealing to someone who, frankly, was probably just making something up to try and spare your feelings. Do you really want to keep hearing the same cliched "it's not you, it's me" routine people come out with when you put them in that situation over and over again? Will it bring you any satisfaction or make the situation easier to bear?

Fundamentally, you don't need a reason not to be attracted to someone, you need a reason to be attracted to them. There needs to be something about them which specifically and positively appeals to you. Asking someone why they aren't interested in you is effectively asking them why they have standards, why won't they just give up and accept you because you're basically an okay human being. That's not the point, you can be an okay human being, heck, you can be a great human being, and it's not instantly going to guarantee that someone is going to want to be with you. It's a situational thing.

It's also incredibly hurtful. I mean, sure, being rejected sucks. We've all been there, but rejecting someone also sucks. It's a really difficult and awkward thing to do, because you can be in the position of really liking someone but at the same time knowing you're making them miserable. Moreover, unlike the person being rejected, you didn't ask for it. You weren't pushing for anything more, you never signed up for any risk, and yet you still have to deal with all the "am I a bad person?" bullshit regardless.

So no. I would say "respecting that" is not dragging it out or making it more difficult than it needs to be.

The best way to avoid "missed opportunities" is to make them actually seem like opportunities, which means making them as safe and risk free as possible. The reason people adopt a principle of not dating their friends is actually because they don't want to risk ruining friendships or upsetting people, the surest way to convince them otherwise is to show them that it isn't a risk. If that's true, it will come across and people will sometimes come to that on their own. When you need to start persuading people into wanting to date you by trying to argue down their reasons not to do it, when you start thinking of them as "dumb" or "sabotaging their own happiness" for not wanting to be with you you, then you've entered a very dangerous headspace in my opinion.

Also, I'm totally with Phasmal on this one. If anyone, male or female, asked for a reason why I wouldn't date them not only would I straight up lie, it would make me very unwilling to ever trust that person even if I did feel attracted to them in future. For me to risk anything, I'd need to know that if it turned out to be a mistake then they'd be okay. If I can't guarantee that, then that's not something I'd feel safe getting involved with. It's not fun to hurt people, and if someone can't take rejection at the point when nothing has happened, how am I to believe they could deal with rejection later?

Well, my opinion is liars aren't a good thing. All you and Phasmal have made me believe is you two need to be less disrespectful and lie less. Its not like having a reason is so difficult, since clearly you would have one if you say no.

I don't feel like dating, I'm in a relationship, I don't find you attractive, I don't want to be distracted from other things in my life, etc, all valid reasons. I just think actually giving said reason to the person you reject should be an expected courtesy. Why do you need to lie about any of that?

 

[Terminal Blue]

Well, my opinion is liars aren't a good thing.

Why not?

Honesty is usually immensely unsatisfying for the person asking, and often extremely painful too. And no, having a reason is often difficult. I don't want to have to examine the deepest, darkest corners of my sexual and romantic history to figure out why I don't want to jump into bed with someone I've literally never thought about jumping into bed with before, and I'm pretty sure noone else wants to hear whatever would come out of that process.

Honestly, it's just intrusive to even ask because in this scenario "I" (the person doing the rejection) didn't create this situation and never asked for it. If you want something from me, you're entitled to ask. You're not entitled to have me explain myself like I've screwed up or failed somewhere, because I haven't.

I wouldn't expect someone who suddenly confessed they were attracted to me to explain to me why they think they are. I wouldn't try to persuade them that it's not real attraction or that they're just stupid or imagining things, because that's a terrible thing to do. They've done nothing wrong, no explanation is required. The flipside of that is that I don't expect to have to explain to that person why I'm not attracted to them, and I certainly don't expect to try and be persuaded. That is not how mutual respect works.

 

[Saelune]

Well, my opinion is liars aren't a good thing.

Why not?

Honesty is usually immensely unsatisfying for the person asking, and often extremely painful too. And no, having a reason is often difficult. I don't want to have to examine the deepest, darkest corners of my sexual and romantic history to figure out why I don't want to jump into bed with someone I've literally never thought about jumping into bed with before, and I'm pretty sure noone else wants to hear whatever would come out of that process.

Honestly, it's just intrusive to even ask because in this scenario "I" (the person doing the rejection) didn't create this situation and never asked for it. If you want something from me, you're entitled to ask. You're not entitled to have me explain myself like I've screwed up or failed somewhere, because I haven't.

I wouldn't expect someone who suddenly confessed they were attracted to me to explain to me why they think they are. I wouldn't try to persuade them that it's not real attraction or that they're just stupid or imagining things, because that's a terrible thing to do. They've done nothing wrong, no explanation is required. The flipside of that is that I don't expect to have to explain to that person why I'm not attracted to them, and I certainly don't expect to try and be persuaded. That is not how mutual respect works.

And people tend to hate being lied to or disrespected. You say people aren't entitled, well, that goes for both people then, doesn't it? All I keep getting from opposing arguments is people have too much baggage and don't feel like dealing with it. I know its hard, as I'm certainly got more than a few carry-ons, but Ive learned that sometimes not dealing with it is more work than just getting it out there and over with.

If someone rejected me, Id like to know why. Knowing why certainly helps me deal with it, and lets me understand why. People are too vague and passive aggressive. Its stupid, and needs to stop, not that it will.

 

[Terminal Blue]

And people tend to hate being lied to or disrespected. You say people aren't entitled, well, that goes for both people then, doesn't it?

Yeah, it certainly does.

Noone is entitled to an explanation unless they've actually been wronged, and just because you've been hurt by someone rejecting you does not mean you've been wronged. You chose to open up to someone about your feelings. That was voluntary, not the product of an entitlement or expectation. Feeling entitled to make someone else return the gesture is not voluntary.

If anything screams "baggage" to me, it's people who can't live with any kind of ambiguity or uncertainty. Not having that baggage sometimes means you can afford to give someone space to open up or reveal their feelings to you in their own time and at their own pace, rather than as some kind of obligation which you impose on them. It means being comfortable with not knowing everything or not having to be constantly furnished with reasons.

I'll be totally honest, even though it's going to sound harsh (you do like honesty, right?) I think you're lying to yourself. I don't think having someone explain to you precisely why they don't want to be in a relationship with you is actually going to help you get over it. What probably feels like it will "help" is forcing that person to keep talking to you about it, keeping them on the back foot, making them feel bad or guilty, forcing them to divulge information which you can then pick holes in and wear down. It seems like it's all about maintaining some kind of power or still managing to be the centre of attention, and even if you don't recognise that at all, that's what many people will assume, and it's a huge turn off for anyone who has experienced it before..

 

[Saelune]

And people tend to hate being lied to or disrespected. You say people aren't entitled, well, that goes for both people then, doesn't it?

Yeah, it certainly does.

Noone is entitled to an explanation unless they've actually been wronged, and just because you've been hurt by someone rejecting you does not mean you've been wronged. You chose to open up to someone about your feelings. That was voluntary, not the product of an entitlement or expectation. Feeling entitled to make someone else return the gesture is not voluntary.

If anything screams "baggage" to me, it's people who can't live with any kind of ambiguity or uncertainty. Not having that baggage sometimes means you can afford to give someone space to open up or reveal their feelings to you in their own time and at their own pace, rather than as some kind of obligation which you impose on them. It means being comfortable with not knowing everything or not having to be constantly furnished with reasons.

I'll be totally honest, even though it's going to sound harsh (you do like honesty, right?) I think you're lying to yourself. I don't think having someone explain to you precisely why they don't want to be in a relationship with you is actually going to help you get over it. What probably feels like it will "help" is forcing that person to keep talking to you about it, keeping them on the back foot, making them feel bad or guilty, forcing them to divulge information which you can then pick holes in and wear down. It seems like it's all about maintaining some kind of power or still managing to be the centre of attention, and even if you don't recognise that at all, that's what many people will assume, and it's a huge turn off for anyone who has experienced it before..

You can write it off that way. Maybe I watched too much Seinfeld, where most of the issues could have been solved with honesty. Less funny that way though.

I'm just someone who doesn't like putting up with people's bullshit, and theres a whole lot of it. People make jokes about it, don't want to call too soon and actually seem interested in a person after all. Lie about who you are to attract someone who if anything came of it, would eventually learn the truth and sully any chance of an actual relationship. But its funny cause its true, and its sad. If I reject someone and they want to know why, I will tell them. If someone rejects me, I will ask why. If they get offended, then all I learned is I'm the lucky one to dodge a bullet.

The word entitled comes up a lot. Well, they are not entitled to be immune to questions for an explanation.

If someone rejected me, I asked why, and they actually tell me, it helps. If they are in a relationship, well, that's self-explanatory. If their sexuality doesn't mesh with what I am, again lets me know its a dead end regardless if they like my company. But who knows, maybe there is some misunderstanding. Maybe they don't like something they think is true about me, but its actually not, or vice-versa. People so easily misjudge and misunderstand people, and if no one makes an effort to fix that, then it usually doesn't get fixed.

 

[Phasmal]

Well, my opinion is liars aren't a good thing. All you and Phasmal have made me believe is you two need to be less disrespectful and lie less. Its not like having a reason is so difficult, since clearly you would have one if you say no.

I don't feel like dating, I'm in a relationship, I don't find you attractive, I don't want to be distracted from other things in my life, etc, all valid reasons. I just think actually giving said reason to the person you reject should be an expected courtesy. Why do you need to lie about any of that?

Excuse me, rude. I'm not disrespectful, and neither do I lie. Saying you would lie in a situation does not make one a liar in general. I actually have never been in a position to have that conversation. I have been in the position where I rejected a guy and I heard that he wanted to know why, but frankly that was none of his business.

Spoiler: I really doubt the situation would have been improved by me busting out with this

It's not disrespectful to not tell someone why you won't date them, no matter how many times you say it is. It's simply not. It's not their business, you don't owe them an explanation.