Hi there, im Protag.
Im fairly new to this whole 'reviewing' thing as my website has only recently started up, but I googled 'most awesomest and nicest people ever' and you lot came up. Then again, so did Ron Perlman. Should i email him too? I think i will, ill ask him if we can be friends and hook up for a cheesecake sometime and ask him all about that Uwe Boll film he was in. Maybe ill get some sex too.
Any way, heres the review, be gentle.
''Ninja Gaiden II
Reviewed by protag
Pop quiz, hotshot. Theres a deadly gun-toting FBI chick looking for you, she wants to give you a very important message involving some glorified gimp called the 'Archfiend'. She gets abducted by an evil Ninja clan just before you can speak to her. What're you gonna do? What are you gonna do?
Well, if your Ryu Hayabusa, the last living member of the deadly Hayabusa Clan, you'll no doubt just carve a bloody trail right to her, leaving mountainous piles of severed limbs and decimated bodies in your wake. Luckily, you are.
I have been waiting literally years for this game to be released, and with Team Ninja's track record to date i knew i wasnt going to be dissapointed. These guys know what men want.
They give us the chance to play as hot women getting involved in vicious punch-ups in Dead or Alive. Then they clad these hot women in skimpy underwear and make them pseudo erotically play around on beaches with each other in DOA: Xtreme Beach Volleyball. And if that wasnt enough, they then take the coolest fighting game character of all time - Ryu Hayabusa - and put him back where he belongs, on the battlefield.
This game truly is a masterpiece. I was worried that they wouldnt follow on quite well enough from the first game, and that they may tweak the formula too much and end up with something not too distant from the epic wank-fest that was Army of Two (a true example of the phrase 'too little, too late).
Team Ninja have improved the combat system considerably on the last game, and its now more violent than you could ever possibly concieve. A flurry of attacks on an enemy usully ends with the poor sods limbs flying off in various directions, and while some may die from the injuries, others tend to be much more persistent in spilling young Ryu's blood. Having lost an arm or leg they will leap or crawl toward you in an attempt to finish you off, and the only way to stop them from doing it is to obliterate them. The added ability to 'Obliterate' your opponent is exactly what it says on the tin. This usually involves Ryu seperating the remaining limbs from their host, and then mercifully lopping the persistent little buggers screaming head from his blood soaked shoulders.
It's as woefully disgusting and tragic as it is beautiful and compelling, like a blossoming flower of flesh and blood.
The weapons at our young protagonists disposal are to put it bluntly, Mad. As well as the inevitable Dragon Sword and shurikens, he now has the Lunar Staff (a double edged pole that takes the phrase 'Blunt Force Trauma' to a whole different level), a gigantic scythe that would make Death's Dad shit in his pants, and (my personal favourite) the Falcon's Talons - essentially a set of deadly ninja socks and mittens.
The combat animations are refreshingly smooth, meaning the furious combat flows freely and easily, much like the red stuff does. Although the actual game suffers from some framerate and screen tear issues, these wont bother you as much as, say, the difficulty will.
Which brings me cleanly to my main gripe about the game - how fucking hard it is. The difficulty has more curves than Michelle McManus' silhouette, and seems to be suffering from acute split personality disorder. At first it seems to love you, giving you hordes of wussy ninja's to decapitate, before it decides it wants to punch the taste from your mouth and throws a giant fucking robot worm at you while pelting you with exploding eggs.
Though some people may find this distressing, i stood my ground and fought on, refusing to be beaten. I was making some progress until - SLAM. Another brick wall.
Someone of steely will and determination is required to play through the game, a soul filled with purity and honor, devout to the ways of patience. Team Ninja need to realise that not everyone who will play this game is Japanese, and therefore NOT able to perform several difficult tasks at the same time, such as pleasuring mountains of writhing women whilst juggling flaming chainsaws on a unicycle without a wheel.
So, is it shit?
It definately isn't. Though it is infuriatingly difficult to begin with, you soon realise that each boss has a weakness, and the secret to victory is exploiting it. Patterns emerge and baddies will fall, and you will be left grinning like a little boy when its all over.
Its a definate must buy for anyone who always thought pirates were 'gay', and ninjas were so much cooler.
If your still not convinced, then consider this:
There are ninja dogs that attack you with swords held in thier mouths.
Yes. Im being serious.
I wonder what drugs were at that board meeting.''
Im fairly new to this whole 'reviewing' thing as my website has only recently started up, but I googled 'most awesomest and nicest people ever' and you lot came up. Then again, so did Ron Perlman. Should i email him too? I think i will, ill ask him if we can be friends and hook up for a cheesecake sometime and ask him all about that Uwe Boll film he was in. Maybe ill get some sex too.
Any way, heres the review, be gentle.
''Ninja Gaiden II
Reviewed by protag
Pop quiz, hotshot. Theres a deadly gun-toting FBI chick looking for you, she wants to give you a very important message involving some glorified gimp called the 'Archfiend'. She gets abducted by an evil Ninja clan just before you can speak to her. What're you gonna do? What are you gonna do?
Well, if your Ryu Hayabusa, the last living member of the deadly Hayabusa Clan, you'll no doubt just carve a bloody trail right to her, leaving mountainous piles of severed limbs and decimated bodies in your wake. Luckily, you are.
I have been waiting literally years for this game to be released, and with Team Ninja's track record to date i knew i wasnt going to be dissapointed. These guys know what men want.
They give us the chance to play as hot women getting involved in vicious punch-ups in Dead or Alive. Then they clad these hot women in skimpy underwear and make them pseudo erotically play around on beaches with each other in DOA: Xtreme Beach Volleyball. And if that wasnt enough, they then take the coolest fighting game character of all time - Ryu Hayabusa - and put him back where he belongs, on the battlefield.
This game truly is a masterpiece. I was worried that they wouldnt follow on quite well enough from the first game, and that they may tweak the formula too much and end up with something not too distant from the epic wank-fest that was Army of Two (a true example of the phrase 'too little, too late).
Team Ninja have improved the combat system considerably on the last game, and its now more violent than you could ever possibly concieve. A flurry of attacks on an enemy usully ends with the poor sods limbs flying off in various directions, and while some may die from the injuries, others tend to be much more persistent in spilling young Ryu's blood. Having lost an arm or leg they will leap or crawl toward you in an attempt to finish you off, and the only way to stop them from doing it is to obliterate them. The added ability to 'Obliterate' your opponent is exactly what it says on the tin. This usually involves Ryu seperating the remaining limbs from their host, and then mercifully lopping the persistent little buggers screaming head from his blood soaked shoulders.
It's as woefully disgusting and tragic as it is beautiful and compelling, like a blossoming flower of flesh and blood.
The weapons at our young protagonists disposal are to put it bluntly, Mad. As well as the inevitable Dragon Sword and shurikens, he now has the Lunar Staff (a double edged pole that takes the phrase 'Blunt Force Trauma' to a whole different level), a gigantic scythe that would make Death's Dad shit in his pants, and (my personal favourite) the Falcon's Talons - essentially a set of deadly ninja socks and mittens.
The combat animations are refreshingly smooth, meaning the furious combat flows freely and easily, much like the red stuff does. Although the actual game suffers from some framerate and screen tear issues, these wont bother you as much as, say, the difficulty will.
Which brings me cleanly to my main gripe about the game - how fucking hard it is. The difficulty has more curves than Michelle McManus' silhouette, and seems to be suffering from acute split personality disorder. At first it seems to love you, giving you hordes of wussy ninja's to decapitate, before it decides it wants to punch the taste from your mouth and throws a giant fucking robot worm at you while pelting you with exploding eggs.
Though some people may find this distressing, i stood my ground and fought on, refusing to be beaten. I was making some progress until - SLAM. Another brick wall.
Someone of steely will and determination is required to play through the game, a soul filled with purity and honor, devout to the ways of patience. Team Ninja need to realise that not everyone who will play this game is Japanese, and therefore NOT able to perform several difficult tasks at the same time, such as pleasuring mountains of writhing women whilst juggling flaming chainsaws on a unicycle without a wheel.
So, is it shit?
It definately isn't. Though it is infuriatingly difficult to begin with, you soon realise that each boss has a weakness, and the secret to victory is exploiting it. Patterns emerge and baddies will fall, and you will be left grinning like a little boy when its all over.
Its a definate must buy for anyone who always thought pirates were 'gay', and ninjas were so much cooler.
If your still not convinced, then consider this:
There are ninja dogs that attack you with swords held in thier mouths.
Yes. Im being serious.
I wonder what drugs were at that board meeting.''