Nobody likes me, I hate myself

[The SettingSun]

I'm sorry if this post lacks direction, I've barely gained enough composure to write it.

I started at a new sixth form college last september and around 6 or 7 of my "friends" came with me. I have none of my classes with my "friends". It is a big college with around 1000 people in the year group.

It started off quite well. I missed my old high school where i had sort of found my place, though not entirely. Towards the end I was being invited out to several social occasions though I was left out a lot. I confronted my social anxiety and managed to talk to people and make conversation. I wasn't brilliant at making friends but neither was I completely silent in class. I had many ups and downs and I'd panic a lot about things but somehow I managed to keep talking to people.

One afternoon I was waiting for my train and asked some of my "friends" for advice on talking to this girl who was completely silent with in one of my classes. They all took this as a signal that I like her and one of my "friends" asked me if i thought this girl was pretty and i responded honesty and said yes. The thing is let them believe i like her and i'm trying to make myself believe that i like her because i know deep down that i'll never like a girl properly. I really don't want to be gay.

I allowed myself to get caught up in the banter but also promised myself that I would make a go of it with this girl. For the first few months (yes, months, it takes me this long) things were sort of weird but it was like this with everybody in college. People were still semi-awkward with people who they sat next to her.

Back to making friends with other people. I managed to get on good terms with people who had joined my "friendship group" and things were okayish. I was getting more stressed out due to the fact I couldn't really cope with the work. The days felt long and I never felt great but I could manage.

In november/december I finally managed to ease most of the awkwardness out of my friendship with the girl. I was talking to her in lesson most of the time and she actually made conversation with me (something which is rare in my life). I found that I couldn't stop thinking about her and I thought maybe I really did like her. But one night it came to me. I was doing some homework for the class which she and I were in and I just couldn't do it. In my old school I was in the top of my class for most things but my blatant lack of intelligence was really catching up to me and i thought to myself "she wouldn't be having this problem with the homework. she's actually clever unlike you." And then as soon as i thought that i realised,i wasn't interested in her romantically. I wanted to be her. I want her life.

I've never thought of myself as transgender, and I'd really like too not start now. But, it's another problem which i'll have to deal with eventually,

The Christmas holidays rolled around and I wasn't invited to any new years eve parties, again/

Back at the first few weeks in college. In one of my classes people have really started to get along and they can tell that I'm a bit weird, a bit off, I'm like that with everybody now. Everything I say just seems out of place.

The one person who actually seems interested in me as a person, who actually likes me as a human, is her. It's sad, she only makes small talk with me yet it's the nicest thing that happens to me every week.

Thing is though, she's fitting in with class. She'll get talking to people and I'll just be the freak who never has anything interesting to say. I feel happy when she's left out of conversations because the longer she's left out, the longer she'll still talk to me. This is followed by immense feelings of guilt.

All my friends put up with me. None of them really care whether I'm there or not. I never get invited out anywhere.

It's making me feel ill, i've thrown up twice this week due to stress.

I've done horribly in my exams even though I've revised ages for them. I'm a f*cking idiot. Intelligence was the only positive attribute i thought i had.

Nobody likes me, I hate myself. I just want it to end.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Snip

A few things:

1) You're making a lot of comments about "friends". I suspect the kind of friendships you're after aren't the casual "we share an interest" friends, but the more serious "we really care about each other" friends. First and foremost, no one has a lot of those friends. No one. They're hard to find, take a lot of work to keep, and you're lucky if you have a tiny handful of truly special friends in your life at any point.

You seem to be suffering through a depression/period of self loathing right now, which is making you extremely self-focused. This isn't going to help you form deep friendships. They don't happen overnight. No one spots you on the street and thinks "I want to befriend that person, about whom I know nothing". They form over time through the cumulative effort of both parties. You trust, and get trusted. You open up, and they open up in turn. The best way to GET a friend is to BE a friend. Listen. Show respect. Show concern. Take a genuine effort in their life and welfare and interests. Be there for them, unreservedly. Will everyone pay you back in kind? No, but bad/unhealthy friendships are part of growing up and they're something everyone must endure at some point. You do the things I specified, though, and no matter how loathsome you think you are, you'll come to have close friends who respect and rely on you.

2) See a doctor and talk about depression and anti-depression medication. You're assuming a nihilistic/hopeless tone and threatening suicide, so you need to do this post haste. Look into getting on an anti-depressant, and, once you're feeling a little better from it, you need to make sure you're eating right/sleeping well/exercising. You're going through a period of life in which huge changes in both your personality and circumstances are to be expected, and this can cause tremendous emotional upheaval. If you've never been through a clinical depression before, it can be a terrifying and draining experience. Please take the first step and get some help.

3) You need to consider finding a counselor or therapist to talk to about your gender dysmorphia issues. It's not as uncommon as you'd think, and feeling that way is not an ironclad guarantee you're transgendered, but on the off chance you are, it's something you want to discover about yourself sooner rather than later (for many reasons, not least of which how much easier transitioning is when you're younger). Depending on how strong/pervasive these feelings are, they could very well be contributing to your self-loathing and depression.

If you want to talk about any of these points in greater detail, or you want help/advice with anything, please don't hesitate to message me.

 

[The SettingSun]

Snip

A few things:

1) You're making a lot of comments about "friends". I suspect the kind of friendships you're after aren't the casual "we share an interest" friends, but the more serious "we really care about each other" friends. First and foremost, no one has a lot of those friends. No one. They're hard to find, take a lot of work to keep, and you're lucky if you have a tiny handful of truly special friends in your life at any point.

You seem to be suffering through a depression/period of self loathing right now, which is making you extremely self-focused. This isn't going to help you form deep friendships. They don't happen overnight. No one spots you on the street and thinks "I want to befriend that person, about whom I know nothing". They form over time through the cumulative effort of both parties. You trust, and get trusted. You open up, and they open up in turn. The best way to GET a friend is to BE a friend. Listen. Show respect. Show concern. Take a genuine effort in their life and welfare and interests. Be there for them, unreservedly. Will everyone pay you back in kind? No, but bad/unhealthy friendships are part of growing up and they're something everyone must endure at some point. You do the things I specified, though, and no matter how loathsome you think you are, you'll come to have close friends who respect and rely on you.

2) See a doctor and talk about depression and anti-depression medication. You're assuming a nihilistic/hopeless tone and threatening suicide, so you need to do this post haste. Look into getting on an anti-depressant, and, once you're feeling a little better from it, you need to make sure you're eating right/sleeping well/exercising. You're going through a period of life in which huge changes in both your personality and circumstances are to be expected, and this can cause tremendous emotional upheaval. If you've never been through a clinical depression before, it can be a terrifying and draining experience. Please take the first step and get some help.

3) You need to consider finding a counselor or therapist to talk to about your gender dysmorphia issues. It's not as uncommon as you'd think, and feeling that way is not an ironclad guarantee you're transgendered, but on the off chance you are, it's something you want to discover about yourself sooner rather than later (for many reasons, not least of which how much easier transitioning is when you're younger). Depending on how strong/pervasive these feelings are, they could very well be contributing to your self-loathing and depression.

If you want to talk about any of these points in greater detail, or you want help/advice with anything, please don't hesitate to message me.

I've often thought of seeing a counsellor. They run a counselling service in the college I go too.

When I wrote all of my post I was feeling terrible. But almost as soon as I had written it I felt better. This happens often. Everything will be running around in my mind in the background but it's not often that it gets to me like it has done this evening. It is only in the heat of the moment that I really feel it getting to me (such as failing my exam today or watching the girl talk to people in class).

Sometimes I feel like I blow my problems out of proportion just to make myself feel justified in not being able to deal with them.

Whilst I would like close friends the problem is that people just don't seem to want to talk to me and friendship groups just develop and I end up getting left out.

Your completely right about me being self-focused though. I've been completely self absorbed for a few years now, it's almost like an addiction.

 

[runnernda]

Oh, sweetheart. I have some idea how you feel, and you have my deepest sympathy. This is a terrible way to feel. I don't think your friends are actively trying to leave you out. Do you actively reach out to them, or do you wait for them to reach out to you? They may think you're shutting them out. You mention not having any classes together, but are you taking the same courses as any of them? Maybe sometimes try to reach out and ask them if they want to study together. See if they want to grab lunch. Anything. I know your social anxiety is going to make that difficult, but you've confronted it before. You can do it now. I have faith in you.

If your friends seem to really not want to be around you anymore, forget them. You deserve better and you can find it. Maybe try hanging out with the girl you mention outside of class. You say she seems to like you as a per. Perhaps mention that you're having trouble fitting in and meeting people. Since she was silent for a while, she might have some tips. At the very least, she'll be able to empathize. Maybe she has social anxiety as well. Or maybe she's just shy. Either way, she might have some idea of how you feel.

You seem troubled by and uncertain about your sexuality. You mention being gay and being transgender. They're two very different things, but you could be either or both. You say you'll never like a girl properly, but have you been romantically or sexually interested in men before? Do you feel as though your gender and anatomy don't match up? These are things you NEED to sort out, or you will continue to feel as though you don't like yourself. You don't seem to truly know yourself, and how can you like what you don't know?

I think a lot of the personal anxiety and issues you've been having are why you didn't do well on your exams. You have so much turmoil that there wasn't any room for what you were studying. I don't think you're an idiot. You're just having a tough time. Would it be possible to take a semester off to maybe sort through all this? It might be for the best.

If you have any trouble or questions or just need to vent, feel free to shoot me a message on here.

Also, you're wrong about no one liking you. I like you. If we knew each other in real life, I bet we'd be friends.

 

[The SettingSun]

Oh, sweetheart. I have some idea how you feel, and you have my deepest sympathy. This is a terrible way to feel. I don't think your friends are actively trying to leave you out. Do you actively reach out to them, or do you wait for them to reach out to you? They may think you're shutting them out. You mention not having any classes together, but are you taking the same courses as any of them? Maybe sometimes try to reach out and ask them if they want to study together. See if they want to grab lunch. Anything. I know your social anxiety is going to make that difficult, but you've confronted it before. You can do it now. I have faith in you.

If your friends seem to really not want to be around you anymore, forget them. You deserve better and you can find it. Maybe try hanging out with the girl you mention outside of class. You say she seems to like you as a per. Perhaps mention that you're having trouble fitting in and meeting people. Since she was silent for a while, she might have some tips. At the very least, she'll be able to empathize. Maybe she has social anxiety as well. Or maybe she's just shy. Either way, she might have some idea of how you feel.

You seem troubled by and uncertain about your sexuality. You mention being gay and being transgender. They're two very different things, but you could be either or both. You say you'll never like a girl properly, but have you been romantically or sexually interested in men before? Do you feel as though your gender and anatomy don't match up? These are things you NEED to sort out, or you will continue to feel as though you don't like yourself. You don't seem to truly know yourself, and how can you like what you don't know?

I think a lot of the personal anxiety and issues you've been having are why you didn't do well on your exams. You have so much turmoil that there wasn't any room for what you were studying. I don't think you're an idiot. You're just having a tough time. Would it be possible to take a semester off to maybe sort through all this? It might be for the best.

If you have any trouble or questions or just need to vent, feel free to shoot me a message on here.

Also, you're wrong about no one liking you. I like you. If we knew each other in real life, I bet we'd be friends.

My friends aren't actively unsociable to me. I'll make some conversation with them at break and lunch. As for talking to the girl, I was walking past her after we'd just had an exam in the class which we had together today and I tried to make conversation with her but she was just really quiet and didn't say much. I had enough sense to cut the conversation short after 30 seconds. We're really not that great friends and hanging out in her social group would be just way too weird. Maybe later on if i actually manage to become really good friends with her.

 

[JesterRaiin]

I'm sorry if this post lacks direction, I've barely gained enough composure to write it.

That's the first step, and the major one.

Can i ask about at least a few details ?
Where are you from ?
How old are you ?
You vaguely hinted some, but what you feel is the biggest problem in your situation ?
And most important, why do you think that everything will stay the way it is now ?

 

[goodwithwords08]

I went through a lot of what you are going through, when I was in high school I had friends but still didn't get invited anywhere or asked to join in. When I went to college all of my so called "friends" stop talking to me, I was completely alone. I can honestly say I became very depressed. At the time I was very shy and not good at making friends at all, I didn't even know how I managed to make the first ones. Anyway to get to you.

First off college is a very difficult place, just the harsh classes alone can stress anyone, so just know your not alone in that fact. I kept trying and eventually started to do better so just keep trying and you will find a way.

As far as the girl goes well how you continue depends on how you feel about her. Also you don't need to feel guilty about wanting her to talk only to you, plenty of people feel that way so it's only natural, however I have to say if she does start talking to others you shouldn't stop her no matter how you feel about her. If you want her to continue to be friends with you then I agree with what BloatedGuppy said, show respect and concern, take an interest in her life and tell her about yours, this is also good if you really do like her.

The best advice I can give you is this, don't give up on yourself. There are times when things will be hard and it might seem like it won't get better but trust me when I say they will. You will find happiness, friends, and someone who you will want to be with and share many memories with. Just don't give up.

To be honest I felt the same way you did, I wanted everything to just end. I decided not to give up and I have found all of those things I have just mentioned.

Anyway you will find all of those things and more. Also I would be more then honored to be considered your friend.

 

[The SettingSun]

I'm sorry if this post lacks direction, I've barely gained enough composure to write it.

That's the first step, and the major one.

Can i ask about at least a few details ?
Where are you from ?
How old are you ?
You vaguely hinted some, but what you feel is the biggest problem in your situation ?
And most important, why do you think that everything will stay the way it is now ?

North England

16 going on 17 this year

At times it feels like it's my sexuality, some times it feels like it's my obsession with this girl but I feel like if I'm accepted everything will become much easier.

Nearly every week I build up enough motivation and think "it's going to change now" and I'll work really hard in classes and do my best to talk to people but there's always one incident in a day that completely ruins my motivation.

The only thing that's comforted me is the fact that without these sudden surges of motivation I probably wouldn't have had enough courage to talk to this girl properly and things would still be awkward with her in that class.

 

[JesterRaiin]

I'm sorry if this post lacks direction, I've barely gained enough composure to write it.

That's the first step, and the major one.

Can i ask about at least a few details ?
Where are you from ?
How old are you ?
You vaguely hinted some, but what you feel is the biggest problem in your situation ?
And most important, why do you think that everything will stay the way it is now ?

North England

16 going on 17 this year

At times it feels like it's my sexuality, some times it feels like it's my obsession with this girl but I feel like if I'm accepted everything will become much easier.

Nearly every week I build up enough motivation and think "it's going to change now" and I'll work really hard in classes and do my best to talk to people but there's always one incident in a day that completely ruins my motivation.

The only thing that's comforted me is the fact that without these sudden surges of motivation I probably wouldn't have had enough courage to talk to this girl properly and things would still be awkward with her in that class.

My fellow Escapist, i know i'll sound like complete moron that knows jack sh*t, but just think for a moment about this...
You're now in the phase when your body produces enormous amounts of such thing :
http://www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/07-08-15images/hormones.jpg

A few drops of this stuff can change you instantly from polite guy to murderous angry monster and vice-versa. They are responsible for swings of moods, feelings of depression and happiness alike. They can make you perceive world as place of ultimate happiness or purgatory itself.

This phase is needed for your body to develop properly. It's like... calibration.
What you feel is just the byproduct. Unwanted, painful, but nothing more than that. Most of people go through this phase. However - despite what one could think - the world isn't perfect. It's flawed beyond comprehension and also plenty of things that happen are imperfect.

Probably it applies to you. Needs of your body overweight the tolerance of your mind. Everything seems hopeless, there is no way out, everyone and everything is distant and uncaring.

However, it is not you.

Believe me, whatever you think about yourself, it's not that bad. Just don't leap before looking, don't try to enter back alleys because you think that you can find yourself there.
You can't build strong, responsible character on poor foundations and now your vision is clouded.

All you really need is help in maintaining correct chemical balance. It sounds easy, but it isn't and i mean by that - it's hard to do by yourself. You need an expert for that. As it was suggested before, try to find professional, medical assistance, don't wait for things to resolve by themselves, don't pray for God's grace. Just do it.

On the side note : Judging by the things i saw, you'll eventually find your place in the world, no matter who you'll want to become. World is big and there's place for everyone. But first you must know who you really are.

I hope this helps you a little.
GOOD LUCK.

 

[Angie7F]

i went through what you are going through, and I actually spent my full four years in college without making any friends, or talking to anyone except professors and yet somehow i have survived.

Please remember that eventually you will figure out who you are and where you belong.
For me this took 25 years.

Even now (28 now), I often get anxiety attacks and depressed and want to end it all, but I know that its caused by my PMS, since I am female.

At 16/17 life is a huge PMS, whether you are male or female.
If counseling and medication can help ease the pain, by all means go for it.
But it will just ease the pain, not make it go away.

Also some counselors can be pricks.
If the first one shrugs you off, shoots you down, doesn't "get" you,
go find another one and never ever think that you are too crazy or sick.

 

[JesterRaiin]

Nobody likes me, I hate myself. I just want it to end.

Join the club.

I have a shit life too, I don't want to be me either.

Guess what ? Most people want to be someone else. It's beyond an age, sex, nationality, wealth, experience. We're strange species.

I guess that only solution is :
- to acknowledge that we die at some point and there's nothing we can do about it
- to accept that miracles exist but we can't count on them (so we have to do by ourselves as much as possible)
- to understand that people do whatever they can to make life (both their own and everyone they meet) more miserable
- to understand that we are own greatest enemies
- say "f*ck it, i'm out of this crazy train"
- find yourself (it's hard, it's often long voyage, but it's possible)
- be happy
- pay no attention to other people and their attempts to steal our happiness away

 

[Angie7F]

I just remembered that you mentioned a bit of sexual orientation problems.
I say, you are young, so go experiment!

Just be protected though.

Sometimes, being around a bunch of people outside of school who have the same problems and dilemmas can help you tremendously.

 

[Brad Shepard]

You my friend, sound like someone very close to my heart. And you sound like myself back in highschool, you need to get out there, you should not give a damn about what others think about you, and start to care about yourself most of all, because if you dont feel good about yourself, you can not expect others to. Ill give you an example

I was almost parallel to you in High school, i remember walking in the hall one day, thinking to myself, i stood there, for about 30 seconds, thinking of all the jerks that made fun of me, who put me down. I looked through the nearby window, and said outloud "Fuck being shy." And stopped caring what people thought, when they made fun of me, i joked about myself too, soon enough, it stopped, and i became popular, funny enough, my 3rd year, i was on home coming court, believe it or not.

Just be strong, and never give up. Live every day like it was your last, but always look forward to tomorrow.

 

[Galletea]

What you firstly need to remember is that you are still young and school forces you into an environment where you are going to find it difficult to be yourself. Things are always difficult in an enclosed space where you are, and I had a similar issue at school, so I made more effort to make friends outside school. I failed my AS levels, but after that I went to a local college and did them again and got half decent grades. Whatever happens to you in 6th form won't matter a few years down the line, it won't last forever and you will find people that you can be yourself around. It's ok to be confused about your sexuality, I can't expect that your peers are much help but you'll most likely work it out in time. If your relationship with your parents or another relative is good then you could approach the issue with them.

If you are seriously having suicidal thoughts and you don't feel you can talk to anyone about it, make an appointment with your doctor. They can recommend lifestyle changes that will help your anxiety and possibly get you counselling or drugs if they think it's appropriate. There are people who can help you, you just have to take the first step. Good luck.

 

[requisitename]

I'd like to touch on the gay and/or transgender issue here briefly.

You're still quite young and it's entirely possible that the reason you've never liked a girl properly is that you haven't found the right girl to properly like yet! Lack of interest in girls doesn't make you gay unless it's coupled with an interest in boys. Amongst other things, of course, that's a wild oversimplification. I was interested in neither girls nor boys until I was in my early twenties. Even now, my interest is very specific.

On the subject of being transgender, my best friend from high school is a f to m transgender. Being a guy and wanting a girl's intelligence, social skills/circle, etc. doesn't necessarily make you so. Would you be happy to have those things in a male body? Meaning, if you were still male and were as intelligent* as you believe her to be and were able to make friends the same way she does, would you be content? Or, is it a matter of actually wishing you had everything about her, including the female body and such? If it's the former, it's envy**, if it's the latter, you may be transgender.

Also, as said above, I like you. You sound like a good guy who's having a hard time figuring out where you fit into the bigger picture. It's common and it really will pass. Try to be patient with yourself and hang in there. I am living proof that it gets better.

If things are looking especially bleak and you feel you can't face someone, call a suicide hotline and talk to them. They'll listen and help you find resources to help yourself through this.. and, since you can do it over the phone, it's sometimes a good first step toward getting help.

* You seem pretty damned intelligent to me. You also seem extremely self-aware, which is both a blessing and a curse.
** Envy is viewed by society as a bad thing, but it's an extremely common human condition. It's been my experience that at some point or another just about everyone is envious of someone else for something they have or are.

 

[Blobpie]

Well life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get.
You have your whole life ahead of you, a alot can happen to you (alot of good as well). It may seam dark now but you gotta hold on just a little longer, and no matter how dark it gets you need to have the strength to see it through.

Because if we lose you, we lose YOU. We will never have anybody like you again, and it will be a loss to us and society.

 

[Nouw]

I really shouldn't give you advice but I just want to tell you one thing. If you don't love yourself, how can anyone else love you? Just think about that.