novel pilot, please comment

[slyywiskers]

This is a "pilot" of sorts to a novel I want to write, please give feedback on what you think of it.

?I?m sorry Jack,? She murmured as she turned toward ancient stone door ?but I?ve made my decision.?
?You can?t....? he whispered his eyes wet with tears.
?I must? she said simply.
She raised her hand and murmured, her voice full of power, ?Open.? the stone doors slowly slid open revealing a long, stone corridor. The corridor was covered with intricate designs and symbols leading all the way down to a great chamber. The chamber had no markings on its walls, and they were bare aside from snaking vines, and small green plants sticking out from odd holes in the stone. In the middle of the chamber was a raised area, and standing on top of it was a man. He wore simple faded green clothes, was of a light build, had short brown hair, deep blue eyes, and radiated an unnatural power he gazed coolly at them, saying nothing.
She started down the corridor.
?Arkaylar please come back? he cried, panic in his voice; he didn?t want to lose her again.
She said nothing and continued walking as the doors began to slide closed.
?No...? he whispered falling to his knees as the doors slid shut with a grim finality.

EDIT: I have made a few changes, and will be writing up the first couple of chapters, keep in mind that I wrote this in 30 minutes, so it won?t be perfect.

 

[unoleian]

This is a "pilot" of sorts to a novel I want to write, please give feedback on what you think of it.

?I?m sorry Jack,? she murmured, as she turned toward ancient stone door, ?but I?ve made my decision.?
Jack whispered, his eyes wet with tears, ?You can?t...?
?I must,? she said simply. She raised her hand and murmured, her voice full of power, ?Open.?
The ancient stone doors slowly slid open revealing a long, ancient stone corridor. The corridor was covered with intricate designs and symbols leading all the way down to a great chamber. The ancient chamber had no markings on its walls. The surfaces were bare aside from snaking vines, and small green plants sticking out from odd holes in the brick.
In the middle of the chamber was a raised area, and standing on top of it was a man. He wore simple, faded green clothes, and was of a light build. He had short brown hair, deep blue eyes, and radiated an unnatural power. He gazed coolly at them, saying nothing.
The woman started down the corridor.
?Arkaylar please come back!? Jack cried, panic in his voice. He didn?t want to lose her again.
She said nothing, and continued walking as the doors began to slide closed.
Jack fell to his knees, and whispered, "No... "
The doors slid shut with a grim finality.
Edited quotation

I took the liberty of some basic structural and grammatical editing. Observe the changes. First, correct dialog punctuation. A dialog using ellipses (...) is less confusing when it either ends the line, or is smack in the middle of the dialog. Modify wording in some descriptions to reduce redundancy. Break your descriptions up a little. If you're exceeding more than one or two commas, then you need to look it over and focus each part a little more. Action, in a lot of cases, is better served before the dialog is spoken, as it sets up the emotion beforehand. A good rule of thumb is to keep things chronological. If they do something before speaking, set it up that way. If the action comes after they speak, then follow up the dialog with the action.

Hope I didn't step on any toes with this, but sometimes the best way to help, is to simply show. Otherwise, though, I likes some good fantasy. This isn't much to run on, being almost more a short prose than any sort of novel material, but it does stand fairly well on its own, even at that. Start small. Take it to a short story, at least 10 pages, and see if there's anywhere left to go from there. A novel takes a damn lot of work, a lot of planning. Short stories do as well, but not near to the extent of a full novel. Work out some short stories first, and that'll give you ground to work into a larger scheme.

ed- and edit,edit, edit! I've changed a couple more things since the original quote, correcting confusing pronouns I missed the first time around.

 

[Nickisimo]

Grammar issues aside, it seems interesting enough. I wouldn't worry so much about writing a 'pilot' so much as cranking out an outline, character sheets, and brainstorming a lot. The first draft of your novel will most likely turn out badly no matter what you do(mine are always horrendous).

Glad to see another person interested in writing though; seems like a dying art form(damnable graphic novels and their pretty pictures).

 

[twasdfzxcv]

My advice? Stop writing and take a writing class somewhere first. While not claiming to be a good writer myself, I can't even get pass the first 2 lines. Story wise there's not enough for me to make any opinion on it. What kind of story is this? What's the setting? What is the story about?

However do not be discouraged by harsh criticism. Just as one would sharpen one's tools before building anything, you need to improve your writing first. Read more and practice. Hope we'll see your name on best selling author list someday.

 

[bleh002]

The woman's name is confusing.

Also, you used the words stone and ancient too much.

Otherwise, it has potential to be interesting.

 

[Acidwell]

It should be longer,maybe a chapter or two because two paragraphs is nowhere near long enough to judge a story.
Also try keep the nonsense names to a minimum if you are just starting out or at least make them a bit easier to pronounce.
And i add a vote to the more punctuation/grammer bandwagon

 

[garfoldsomeoneelse]

It has potential in the same way that a blank piece of paper might someday have the world's greatest story written on it; meaning, I can't judge this at all based on such a small sample.

 

[Deacon Cole]

I don't really know what to say about this. It seem like an in media res sort of deal. It's tough to say much about it because I'm not complete sure what is going on.

What I can tell that's going on is some chick is dumping some sap for some other dude. A sap who is aptly named Jack now that he's single. This bit, which makes up the bulk if not entirety of the action, is cliched to the point of wincing. Jack Sap even falls to his knees and says "no" like he's Darth Tampon or something.

The only other feature worth noting is the description which can charitably be called clunky. The word "ancient" appears four times before the halfway mark.

All in all, it's pretty much what I've come to expect in most writings I find online. You're main problem is you lack skill. The good news is you can develop skill if you are willing. The bad news is, most people are not. I don't know if you are one of those people, but chances are not optimistic.

It's hard to say much of anything about the piece as it doesn't even give us a bare bones idea of a plot so we can't see your story structure.

 

[Disaster Button]

Its a lot better after being seen to by Unoleian but apart from that its too insubstantial too really form an opinion about... although you did use "ancient" too much.

 

[AceAngel]

Don't they usually give out at least a single chapter when it comes to a novel so we can understand what direction it's taking us in?

So far it looks like...err...somewhat...anime generic for a lack of better terms.

 

[Elonas]

Two main things, general things for stories I find, anyway. Don't make names too long or strange. "Arkaylar" would be both of those things. Unique names are fine, but they gotta roll of the tongue/fit. To me, that doesn't. Secondly, you've falled into a normal desriptive pitfall. It's something younger/less experienced writers tend to do. Describe the basic body shape/clothes, eyes and hair. If you read lots of more recent books, writers tend not to describe these places for the general person, they focus more on either personality, rather than pure looks, and let the reader paint a picture of the character themselves. Of course, sometimes you need some actual body desrition, but keep it at a minimum, and only really if it has some real relevance, after you've talked about said character already.

 

[slyywiskers]

I realise that this is not the best way to introduce you to the concept, however I have this and wanted to throw it out there before I start the first chapter, I am going to post the first chapter when I finish it to get feedback, and I?ll try to use better grammar and punctuation. I found your feedback, as I read through it, to be mostly interesting and partly helpful, the first few chapters will probably actually let you know what?s going on.

 

[Trebort]

This is a "pilot" of sorts to a novel I want to write, please give feedback on what you think of it.

?I?m sorry Jack,? She murmured as she turned toward ancient stone door ?but I?ve made my decision.?
?You can?t....? he whispered his eyes wet with tears.
?I must? she said simply.
She raised her hand and murmured, her voice full of power, ?Open.? the stone doors slowly slid open revealing a long, stone corridor. The corridor was covered with intricate designs and symbols leading all the way down to a great chamber. The chamber had no markings on its walls, and they were bare aside from snaking vines, and small green plants sticking out from odd holes in the stone. In the middle of the chamber was a raised area, and standing on top of it was a man. He wore simple faded green clothes, was of a light build, had short brown hair, deep blue eyes, and radiated an unnatural power he gazed coolly at them, saying nothing.
She started down the corridor.
?Arkaylar please come back? he cried, panic in his voice; he didn?t want to lose her again.
She said nothing and continued walking as the doors began to slide closed.
?No...? he whispered falling to his knees as the doors slid shut with a grim finality.

EDIT: I have made a few changes, and will be writing up the first couple of chapters, keep in mind that I wrote this in 30 minutes, so it won?t be perfect.

If your going to write something, don't post it online until your finished and all the legal stuff is taken care of. Anyone could just pick up your idea and sell it off at their own.

I like this little sample though.

(I'm just going with the idea that you want to publish your stuff, not post it online)

 

[CouchCommando]

Damn thought this was a thread where I could mention "Biggles"