Personality problems.

[PaintyFace]

Dear Escapists,

I'm turning to you guys because I need some help. It's something that I've struggled with for a long time, but I've never told anyone about. I've never been sure how to say this before.

My problems is that I lack personality. And before those of you who know me hit the comment box, hear me out.

The person that you know is a copycat. I mimic other people, whoever I'm talking to at the time. I will even copy someone's accent at times, if I can. I can empathise with almost anyone, and will want to care for and help every person that I meet. This has meant that I've suppressed who I am and what I feel in order to help other people and make them feel as good as possible.

The problem is that I have done this for so long that I don't know who I am. I enjoy knitting and painting, yes. And I'm a kind caring person. But beyond that, what you see is what I've invented, what I think you as a person want me to be, or who you could best identify with.

I also do the inverse, purposely rebelling against what people feel is the norm to get a reaction. It's the reason why at times I seem perverted, or I mention liking Justin Bieber/Twilight/whatever else is commonly hated.

So, can anyone offer any advice for my situation? Any suggestions as to how I can find my personality? And how will those of you who know me react if I start trying to be me?

 

[dmase]

Ugh I kinda do the same thing. I change my personality depending on who i'm with. I fit with group and person that i most identify with at the time. I don't think its really that uncommon, you have your likes and dislikes and your actions, in general you do have a character but we are all affected by who we surround ourselves with. Of course there are some people that have such a well defined personality that there isn't much you can do to change that.

What your describing is a defense mechanism that we all use on some level or another. Gonna meet the inlaws for the first time? I'm sure your gonna act more polite and talk about more proper things then after you get to know them, but you also won't talk about your exercise routine with them. You'd probably stick with sports and occupation or something.

 

[Daystar Clarion]

Watch episodes 25 + 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion. They got there first.

 

[the_pleasure_is_mine]

Generally I kind of have a 'core' personality (geeky, random(ish) and quite intellectual (so I like to think)) but little things change depending on who I'm with.

I think it's just normal to change slightly, you don't act the same way around your parents that you do your friends, so why not one set of friends to another.

 

[sky14kemea]

This is a really tough problem. For one, when you start trying to be more yourself, you might not be able to tell if you're being yourself or just copying again by force of habit. :l

I think, if you took a long time over it, you'd be able to feel more like yourself, or like you have a personality, it's just slowly merging into that person from where you are now.
I actually have no idea what to suggest here... Maybe when you're in a social situationw here you would normally mimic someone you're talking to, try to think if you're comfortable with what you're about to say, or whether you think that's something you would really say. I wish I could be way more helpful >.<
You just need to be patient, and know that all your friends will stick by you, no matter what happens. =]

 

[Megalodon]

Sounds like you do have a personality, you just don't like it much. I've almost had the opposite, I went to school with a bunch of evil-minded, insensitive bastards. This resulted in me becoming more like them than I wanted, becoming the mask and all that. Also this left me almost unable to be really serious with people, very distant and closed off, unless talking about completely inconsequential stuff. I've been trying to fix this for a couple of years now, with extremely slow progress. Best advice I've got, work out what you want to change, what you don't like about who you currently are. Then just don't give up trying to change.
I wish there was an easy answer/quick solution to this kind of thing.

 

[NewClassic_v1legacy]

This is one of those discussions that tends to vary depending on who is asked, but my personal opinion on it is rather straightforward.

You are who you are, and any change in that, subtle or otherwise is just an extension of either self-discovery or self-growth. Wisdom is said to be gained from experience, and one really can't experience without doing. If nothing else, I'd just argue that you're undertaking a more hands-on approach to self-discovery rather than hiding who you are. You're actually distilling it.

The question is how much you empathize with what you're doing. If you're perfectly comfortable doing what you're doing, then who's to say that adjusting to suit your audience isn't in some way who you are?

If you were forced to murder someone once a day, every day for five years, and you got free, you wouldn't become a murderer still. The things you do won't change who you are, unless it is in some part also who you are. It's part of your personality if you can justify doing it. Maybe not to the level some concede to, but there are small parts that we accept of ourselves.

You're you, regardless of how you choose to be yourself.

 

[Imp Poster]

So does that mean you try to fit in by being a doppelganger then you act the opposite to rebel because the one you try and copy is not really who you are? If you don't know who you are, you need to spend some time with yourself and find out.
I don't understand exactly what you are going through, but in general, the problem I see is that why you need to be the other person. Are you afraid they may not like you? When you are yourself, do people think you are weird or something?

 

[Paksenarrion]

I would suggest watching "The Talented Mr. Ripley"; Matt Damon demonstrates the advantages of mimicking someone's personality.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

Maybe your personality is that of a mimic. If you want to find out your true personality, you need to stop trying to fit in, or trying to rebel. Take some time to live life for yourself, and only yourself, and you will start to see what you naturally gravitate towards. Also, don't take this the wrong way, but I get the sense that you may be a pretty insecure person which may explain why you want to please all people.

Oh, and by the way, thank you for making an advice thread that's not another "relationship trouble" thread.

 

[Naheal]

Sounds to me like you still don't quite know who you are. Have you considered getting into theater or roleplaying? You might figure something out about yourself that you didn't know before.

On a less-than-serious note, you'd make an excellent intelligence agent.

 

[Imp Poster]

I would suggest watching "The Talented Mr. Ripley"; Matt Damon demonstrates the advantages of mimicking someone's personality.

Actually, I was thinking Single White Female, 1992. but Damon one works.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105414/plotsummary

 

[Johnny Impact]

My own presence here on an anonymous forum of nerds is symptomatic of profound feelings of alienation which have characterized my life. I don't watch other people's TV shows, I don't follow their sports, I don't drink their alcohol, I don't wear their style of clothes, I am unable to form political opinions due to severe disgust with the entirety of politics, you would not believe me if I told you the last time I dated. I am unable to interest myself in nearly everything the great mass of humanity seems so keen on. I have wondered quite seriously if I am really from this planet.

Now, I could pretend to like Survivor (at least I think I could, if I were REALLY desperate), learn what a halfback actually does, sample 200 microbrews, and drop some cash on new threads. No doubt I would have more friends. But these people would not be friends with me. They would be friends with the person I was pretending to be.

You and I have more or less the same problem. We both suffer from social awkwardness. While you have put on a costume, I have withdrawn from most human contact. Both of these approaches are like cough medicine: they ignore the real issue completely and only do a half-assed job of suppressing the symptoms. It's doubtful a genuine FIX actually exists.

So, the real question is this: do you want to be accepted for a lie, or rejected for the truth?

My opinion is you won't be any happier doing things my way. I'm sorry I don't have a better answer for you.

 

[Kortney]

Dear Escapists,

I'm turning to you guys because I need some help. It's something that I've struggled with for a long time, but I've never told anyone about. I've never been sure how to say this before.

My problems is that I lack personality. And before those of you who know me hit the comment box, hear me out.

The person that you know is a copycat. I mimic other people, whoever I'm talking to at the time. I will even copy someone's accent at times, if I can. I can empathise with almost anyone, and will want to care for and help every person that I meet. This has meant that I've suppressed who I am and what I feel in order to help other people and make them feel as good as possible.

The problem is that I have done this for so long that I don't know who I am. I enjoy knitting and painting, yes. And I'm a kind caring person. But beyond that, what you see is what I've invented, what I think you as a person want me to be, or who you could best identify with.

I also do the inverse, purposely rebelling against what people feel is the norm to get a reaction. It's the reason why at times I seem perverted, or I mention liking Justin Bieber/Twilight/whatever else is commonly hated.

So, can anyone offer any advice for my situation? Any suggestions as to how I can find my personality? And how will those of you who know me react if I start trying to be me?

Guess what? You're normal. We all mimic others and behave differently around different people. It's a part of being human.

I remember saying pretty much exactly what you said to my Dad a long time ago, and he told me that it's perfectly normal to think that you "don't know who you are". I didn't believe him at the time, but I'm telling you - it's the truth.

Anyone who tells you they know exactly who they are is a liar.

You are over thinking it. Just have fun and do what comes naturally. What you described is completely normal and we all feel like that at time to time.

 

[DuX1112]

@PaintyFace

Great thread, kinda spot on with some issues I myself am dealing with... I also have this 'urge' to make everyone satisfied (I have a hard time saying no), and also, I kinda... fall 'under other people's personalities'. This is to say, I've 'felt' I'm them (I experience myself wearing their face, and I hear my thoughts in their voice, so...). I don't know, really. And these things are kinda okay... Until I am forced to make a decision on my own. About me. Naturally, the question arises: what am I? Who is this... me? I feel kinda empty most of my life. Even when practicing some meditation techniques, all I 'get' is other people's voices. Memories. Or a complete silence. (Although I do admit my experience with meditation is very limited and hardly conclusive). So, now? "Be yourself" message irritates me. I always have the urge to ask: "What is yourself?!" One good point to counter the 'be yourself' advice: ask the advice-giver "What are you? Who are you?" and don't let them get away with them giving your names, ID number, or where they live, sheesh...

Anyways however, I am a pretty insecure person. Physically insecure, emotionally insecure. Intellectually, not really. I have no issues with waging overlong intellectual debates which often end up with me being the victor (or on the winning side). But this may just be a compensating mechanism for my "lack of self", and with a lack of "self" also comes a lack of "having a life". Sometimes I feel like a ping-pong ball, people toss and turn and kick and launch me here or there. And sometimes when I get fed up with all the vertigos of other people's influences (auras?), I resist. And I hold. For a week, perhaps. Then my energy goes low and I get relaxed and before you know it - voila - my 'personality' got out of the window. Like a free bird, hehe.

So, whatever... Plenty of good advice here. I'll be monitoring this thread. What I liked most was that one cannot experience without doing. However, stopping for a minute and taking a step back to take a look at the big picture sure helps...

To the OP: Try being what everything you imitate is not. AS soon as you feel you're starting to immitate another person, or as soon as you feel some persons' "presence" is taking over you: end it. Do not let it take over. I'm guessing you feel a sense of dread first... Or some unclear, but powerful attraction. Try resisting and see what happens. Also, resist, but do not worry. Resist but keep calm. My guess is that if we manage to keep our calmness for a time, then that calmness will eventually form a sense of a place for our "self" to take roots in.

P.S. Another alternative is that our sense of self is just buried under mountains of other people's influences. This can be the result of an immediate or gradual trauma, which erodes the self-confidence, which in turn hinders any manifestation of the 'self', or at least for its shaping. How can you have your own self, if most of your life you didn't allow yourself to form your Self, to Be your Self? Seems to me we need a little rebirth. Or some digging under those mountains. So... to work, eh? Stop imitating, resist the 'takeovers' (I'm trying), and allow for some calm decisions. Then, execute. And heck, relax and enjoy the ride. (Easy to say, I know).

 

[DuX1112]

My own presence here on an anonymous forum of nerds is symptomatic of profound feelings of alienation which have characterized my life. I don't watch other people's TV shows, I don't follow their sports, I don't drink their alcohol, I don't wear their style of clothes, I am unable to form political opinions due to severe disgust with the entirety of politics, you would not believe me if I told you the last time I dated. I am unable to interest myself in nearly everything the great mass of humanity seems so keen on. I have wondered quite seriously if I am really from this planet.

*raises hand*

Actually, the only show I partially enjoy is Star Trek. In case I randomly catch an episode on air. I don't watch any TV shows, kinda. Not even South Park, because other people's eagerness pointed out in me my own indifference, which tagged me as a social alien. But, actually, I wasn't indifferent towards SP, but toward other people's joy (i.e. you can't share in their joy, at least not easily. I can't too. But when I manage, heh, its fun and rewarding (although can leave you tired). However, I'd say you worry too much. It doesn't mean you should be unhappy if you don't participate in the mass media hypno-circus that's going on you know. Who cares. You've just recognized an ill part of society. All those shows are just a tit for the masses of people on the way to becoming you (i.e. disillusioned). And a hint: humanity isn't really keen on all of that. They're just pretending. They're having FUN. THEY DON'T CARE AS YOU DO. ANd that's because you over-worry. Maybe you've been badly hurt? Maybe I've been badly hurt... I wonder if my not belonging and not sharing in other people's joy isn't exactly the pain I've been inflicting on myself. Maybe you are your own enemy? More precisely, some in-satisfaction within you has grown to frustration with how other people are, or what other people do, and this has evolved into a long, undermining frustration, which has in turn ended up in latent hate or despise, which in turn has effectively blocked you from receiving any positive experience which could start melting the mountains of ice you've shielded yourself with. Thus, you've become a social cynic, and probably a misanthrope. And that road is a dead end my friend. You cannot possibly be happy if you close every possibility for you to share a happy moment with another person. Therefore, what you lack is self-love, I'd say. And with it, love for others (yes, however stupid, evil, or shallow they are. They are in fact, not all those things, but your mind has created a prison in which no positive qualities can exist. If they do, you can start getting out of the prison. But the prison isn't intent on letting you go). And lacking self-love is an issue that's not a stranger to me either. Also, idk, go offline. Change your surroundings. Change something. Say hi to someone. Call an old friend. Self-reflect, instead of reflecting society's pain and flaws. Give yourself a chance. Another hint: you're not alone.

ALso, pardon if I may be insensitive or something. My own contradictions are gaping at me, now that I've re-read all I wrote. As you can see, I'm still struggling. I hate TV shows and stupid shallow mass media, yet I try not to become a suicidal cynic... I'm good at giving advice, but not so good in taking my advice. There's a saying: The road to bliss is when we can take our own advices. Or something like that. But all is not so dark. It is as dark as you "want" it to be. You have control over who you are, and over how, and what you experience. Even these words here can be understood in a variety of ways (I'm sure 10 people will read my message in at least 5 different ways and mold what I've said according to their personality and experience). Just saying... Now how to harness that power of changing self for the better, calmer, happier... And who cares about TV shows... :/