GRAGGGGHHHHH!!! AAAAGHHH!!!!! WAGGGUUHHHHAAGGHHHUGGGGGG!!!!! No, these are not the cries of the Locust Horde you face in Gears of War 2. These are the cries of the guys fighting the horde. These shouts come from the effects of chugging a 2-liter soda bottle full of liquid testosterone with every meal. These two guys, Marcus and Dom, literally mow down hundreds of Locusts with their spit, which has been charged with liquid lightning and many katanas, as well as the required 5 grams of solid testosterone dust; blow up entire mountains with a single curb-stomp, and destroy seven-mile long worms by shooting convenientely placed major arteries a few times. It's up to these two guys to single-handedly eliminate the entire Locust Horde with no help from their superiors. I actually began to suspect that those guys giving the orders didn't actually have an army, and the President just told the guy in charge to pump up two MORONS on enough testosterone to convert the whole female population to Duke Nukem look-alikes and send them on a misison to kill everything. Immediately after I entered this place, I discovered Locust buildings, don't exist. Rather, they just built about a thousand chest-high walls very convenient for cover, along a freeway so barren it might as well be Route 66 leading straight to their Queen. It strikes me as odd that these Locusts would purposely set up a bunch of shields for the guy who's killing them all to hide behind. If they were smart, they'd draw faces on them. The testosterone would make it hard to tell the difference between the barrier and the Locusts. There are a whopping four guns to choose from, including the Shotgun, the Battle Rifle, some stupid Pistol, and, of course, the Lancer. In multiplayer, though, people seem to forget that yes, there is a gun on that chainsaw. When faced with an enemy firing rounds into your skull, it seems all the testosterone tells you to do is run straight at those bullets, brandishing a chainsaw, and try to put it straight through the guy. The sad thing is that most of the time, it works. The "story" consists of three main plot points. 1. Consume as much tesosterone (I'm getting really tired of typing that word) as possible. 2. Go pwn some scrubs. 3. There's no third step! There's also a few levels that puzzled me. In one of them, you pull up to a random insane hospital in a Volkswagen van like you're Scooby-Doo in ludicrously heavy combat armor, and wander around for 40 minutes listening to Tom Cruise talk about Scientology and his master plan. Then you're teleported back to Apocalypse City and you pwn some more scrubs. My final thoughts about the story is that it might have been good until someone shuffled all the chapters around. The tutorial level is like, halfway through the game!
Summary: I might compare this game to a 5 Hour Energy Drink, but I can't. For while they share the same amount of testosterone, 5 Hour doesn't give you a crash, and Gears of War does. After you finish the campaign, the only thing left is multiplayer, and Jesus is over there too as everyone's favorite quickly rotating blade power tool, the Chainsaw. It just left me sore and wanting a refund, at least for the Tom Cruise part.
The Good: Will turn you into a hairy wolverine starved for blood.
The Bad: WAUGH! (If you're a girl, the above could be counted as a bad)
The Despicable: They actually try to make the Dom guy care about his wife in the story.
Summary: I might compare this game to a 5 Hour Energy Drink, but I can't. For while they share the same amount of testosterone, 5 Hour doesn't give you a crash, and Gears of War does. After you finish the campaign, the only thing left is multiplayer, and Jesus is over there too as everyone's favorite quickly rotating blade power tool, the Chainsaw. It just left me sore and wanting a refund, at least for the Tom Cruise part.
The Good: Will turn you into a hairy wolverine starved for blood.
The Bad: WAUGH! (If you're a girl, the above could be counted as a bad)
The Despicable: They actually try to make the Dom guy care about his wife in the story.
