I'm not looking for sympathy when writting this. Im sitting alone, tired and unable to sleep well in my mums room... My mum died on Tuesday night... I shall tell you my story.
Tuesday morning my mum told me i had to take the cat to the PDSA to get her checked out, trouble was, she wanted to go up to hospital as she hadnt been too well for a few days. She called 999 and a medic came out. He said it might be better to speak to her doctor so he made an appointment for 11am that morning, she got a taxi alone at 10.45 as the PDSA appointment was at 12.15am so i was leaving at 11.15am, meaning i didnt have time to go over with her (it was her choice to go alone as the cat was more important to her)... Now, i am,or should i saw was, a carer for her, and i know she has mobility problems so really i should have been with her, especially as she was weak throught the illness. Anyway, me and my grandad left to take the cat up to PDSA and ended up getting lost so i altered the appointment to that afternoon instead to make it easier. I then called my mum when i got home to ask where she was. She told me she was waiting for the taxi and could i call them to check as they were taking ages. So i called the taxi and they said they would be there any second. So i called her back, and the last thing i ever said to her was "i'll cya soon".
20mins later and i started to worry. She should have been back. The journey is only 5mins by car. I tried to call her but with no luck. I stood at her window overlooking the front garden waiting for the taxi to come... it never showed. I tried her number 3 more time but still no answer. Then i heard the worst sound i could imagine. Ambulance sirens in the distance. I could pin point roughly where they were to know it wasnt far away. I knew it was her. Just then, my phone started ringing. It was her number. I called it back since it was free, and prayed she would be the one to answer, yet somehow i knew it wouldnt be...
It was the receptionist from the doctors who knew us well, "Hello is that Sarah? Your mum's had a bit of a fall, she's with the paramedics at the moment, a bit disorientated so they are going to take her up to Wansbeck hospital".
I called my grandparents to tell them. I thought it was probably just concusion. I didnt think it could be anything worse. She's had many knocks in the past with no damage, why should this time be any different. I then called my boyfriend and we joked about how many times she was going to go into hospital. Looking back, i can cry that i was so ignorant and stupid. My mother was dying, though i didnt know it, and here i was taking the piss.
An few hours or so later i called the hospital to check on her. I was told that a scan showed a possible bleed on the brain. I called my lad again, i was concerned by now, wondering if it would mean brain damage, extra care. More stress for me. He said that i shouldnt worry because our countrie's doctors are the best (not so sure) and that even if there was damamge, we could always put her in a care home.
Anyway, my best friend came over after i called her to tell her. At 8pm i called again, she had been transfered to Newcastle General short notice. It was serious. To the point were i was told i should be there, along with my grandparents. My mate came with us so as to support me.
We sat in the hospital for a few hours. Nana and grandad went to see my mum, but i couldnt. I didnt want to see the tube helping her breath, that beeping machines that monitored her heart which had already stopped several times. It wasnt a memory i wanted. Me and my mate sat talking instead. Wating...
By 11.30pm her dad came up with her mum to collect her, the doctor still hadnt been through to see us. Just as they were about to leave, the nurse came out to say the doctor was there, so we all went inside. Me and my grandparents were taken into a more private room and the door was shut. The doctor told us how he had some bad knews and about how my mum had gone to them dangerously ill... and a load of other crap that i couldnt focus on because i already knew, from his face, and from his first words "we have some very bad knews". I bit my lip trying to prepare for what was coming. I could feel it. My heart ached, faltering with each painful breath. Eventually he came to the end "im so sorry, but the bad news is, her heart stopped once again, and we tried for a while to restart it, but it was too weak...she has died."
My nana broke down and my attempts at being prepared failed. I got up and darted for the door. The stupid catch got in the way and i ripped my nails trying to get it open before anyone could stop me. I ran down the corridor and out the doors. I couldnt breath. my cries were strained and screeching in a way that hurt my throat. I felt my friend's arms wrap around me as i tried to destroy the plants around the hospital walls in some way to release the pain. Her mother not far behind and the nurse with her. Going back inside i couldnt face seeing my nana and grandad. Didnt want them to see my tears. I needed to show i could be strong. It took me half an hour to settle. But i got there and eventually faced them with a calm face.
Not long later the nurse came to ask if i wanted to see her now that the tubes had been removed besides the one that had helped her breath. I agreed, and my mate came with me alone.
Her skin was pale and cold to touch. Most of her earings had vanished and i doubt i shall see them again. A butterfly needle was still in her wrist. The tube still in her mouth. She looked fairly peacefull. I couldnt help but feel like she was just asleep, that she would open her eyes and everything would be fine.
Anyway. Several days on, and im coping okay-ish. I went to college on the Wednesday so as to distract myself from the problems. My life is going to be ok, and yes it seems financial help will be available to me. However later today im going to be starting to sort out her things. Tidy her room and move the unwanted things out...Trouble is, i know it has to be done. But i wonder if its too soon. I know there is no point in keeping most of them. The room still has that faint smell of her cigarette smoke, most things are damaged by the nicotien and stuff needs a bloody good clean and tidy.
I just feel like, if she was watching me in the spirit world, would she know i loved her,and that im not trying to get rid of her or erase her from the house, but that i need to move on, need to sort things out. To be honest, im hoping my lad will move in with me as soon as he can. Another reason to start getting things sorted, the future continues to be un certain and you never know whats around the corner, so i have now realised. I broke down again for the millionth time, wondering about it all. What it would feel like if the room didnt look the same, which it wont when the stuff is gone and the walls painted properly.
Just wanted to know, if anyone else has had a similar thing with any relatives or maybe even friends... or what you would do if it was you...
Tuesday morning my mum told me i had to take the cat to the PDSA to get her checked out, trouble was, she wanted to go up to hospital as she hadnt been too well for a few days. She called 999 and a medic came out. He said it might be better to speak to her doctor so he made an appointment for 11am that morning, she got a taxi alone at 10.45 as the PDSA appointment was at 12.15am so i was leaving at 11.15am, meaning i didnt have time to go over with her (it was her choice to go alone as the cat was more important to her)... Now, i am,or should i saw was, a carer for her, and i know she has mobility problems so really i should have been with her, especially as she was weak throught the illness. Anyway, me and my grandad left to take the cat up to PDSA and ended up getting lost so i altered the appointment to that afternoon instead to make it easier. I then called my mum when i got home to ask where she was. She told me she was waiting for the taxi and could i call them to check as they were taking ages. So i called the taxi and they said they would be there any second. So i called her back, and the last thing i ever said to her was "i'll cya soon".
20mins later and i started to worry. She should have been back. The journey is only 5mins by car. I tried to call her but with no luck. I stood at her window overlooking the front garden waiting for the taxi to come... it never showed. I tried her number 3 more time but still no answer. Then i heard the worst sound i could imagine. Ambulance sirens in the distance. I could pin point roughly where they were to know it wasnt far away. I knew it was her. Just then, my phone started ringing. It was her number. I called it back since it was free, and prayed she would be the one to answer, yet somehow i knew it wouldnt be...
It was the receptionist from the doctors who knew us well, "Hello is that Sarah? Your mum's had a bit of a fall, she's with the paramedics at the moment, a bit disorientated so they are going to take her up to Wansbeck hospital".
I called my grandparents to tell them. I thought it was probably just concusion. I didnt think it could be anything worse. She's had many knocks in the past with no damage, why should this time be any different. I then called my boyfriend and we joked about how many times she was going to go into hospital. Looking back, i can cry that i was so ignorant and stupid. My mother was dying, though i didnt know it, and here i was taking the piss.
An few hours or so later i called the hospital to check on her. I was told that a scan showed a possible bleed on the brain. I called my lad again, i was concerned by now, wondering if it would mean brain damage, extra care. More stress for me. He said that i shouldnt worry because our countrie's doctors are the best (not so sure) and that even if there was damamge, we could always put her in a care home.
Anyway, my best friend came over after i called her to tell her. At 8pm i called again, she had been transfered to Newcastle General short notice. It was serious. To the point were i was told i should be there, along with my grandparents. My mate came with us so as to support me.
We sat in the hospital for a few hours. Nana and grandad went to see my mum, but i couldnt. I didnt want to see the tube helping her breath, that beeping machines that monitored her heart which had already stopped several times. It wasnt a memory i wanted. Me and my mate sat talking instead. Wating...
By 11.30pm her dad came up with her mum to collect her, the doctor still hadnt been through to see us. Just as they were about to leave, the nurse came out to say the doctor was there, so we all went inside. Me and my grandparents were taken into a more private room and the door was shut. The doctor told us how he had some bad knews and about how my mum had gone to them dangerously ill... and a load of other crap that i couldnt focus on because i already knew, from his face, and from his first words "we have some very bad knews". I bit my lip trying to prepare for what was coming. I could feel it. My heart ached, faltering with each painful breath. Eventually he came to the end "im so sorry, but the bad news is, her heart stopped once again, and we tried for a while to restart it, but it was too weak...she has died."
My nana broke down and my attempts at being prepared failed. I got up and darted for the door. The stupid catch got in the way and i ripped my nails trying to get it open before anyone could stop me. I ran down the corridor and out the doors. I couldnt breath. my cries were strained and screeching in a way that hurt my throat. I felt my friend's arms wrap around me as i tried to destroy the plants around the hospital walls in some way to release the pain. Her mother not far behind and the nurse with her. Going back inside i couldnt face seeing my nana and grandad. Didnt want them to see my tears. I needed to show i could be strong. It took me half an hour to settle. But i got there and eventually faced them with a calm face.
Not long later the nurse came to ask if i wanted to see her now that the tubes had been removed besides the one that had helped her breath. I agreed, and my mate came with me alone.
Her skin was pale and cold to touch. Most of her earings had vanished and i doubt i shall see them again. A butterfly needle was still in her wrist. The tube still in her mouth. She looked fairly peacefull. I couldnt help but feel like she was just asleep, that she would open her eyes and everything would be fine.
Anyway. Several days on, and im coping okay-ish. I went to college on the Wednesday so as to distract myself from the problems. My life is going to be ok, and yes it seems financial help will be available to me. However later today im going to be starting to sort out her things. Tidy her room and move the unwanted things out...Trouble is, i know it has to be done. But i wonder if its too soon. I know there is no point in keeping most of them. The room still has that faint smell of her cigarette smoke, most things are damaged by the nicotien and stuff needs a bloody good clean and tidy.
I just feel like, if she was watching me in the spirit world, would she know i loved her,and that im not trying to get rid of her or erase her from the house, but that i need to move on, need to sort things out. To be honest, im hoping my lad will move in with me as soon as he can. Another reason to start getting things sorted, the future continues to be un certain and you never know whats around the corner, so i have now realised. I broke down again for the millionth time, wondering about it all. What it would feel like if the room didnt look the same, which it wont when the stuff is gone and the walls painted properly.
Just wanted to know, if anyone else has had a similar thing with any relatives or maybe even friends... or what you would do if it was you...
