Poll: My Short Story Please Read and give some feedback

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Ernest1

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Jul 25, 2011
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9:15 a.m Bank of America, Seattle, Washington.
The sun was up now and the city was already bustling, the inhabitants of the city followed their morning routines, stopping to buy coffee at a local cafe and browsing through magazines at a newsstand, preparing for the day?s work.

The leader of the marauders looked back toward his comrades with a look of seriousness on his face. They knew what they signed up for and anything could happen, someone could die, they could be captured but the reward was greater than the risk.
They had positioned the van near a inconspicuous wall. Their eyes peered through the tinted windows of the van, watching what few people passed by. In fifteen minutes they were to synchronize watches and emerge from the van. As they waited they went over the plan in their mind thousands of times, predicting every outcome of any possible situation they would be put in.

The leader looked back again, this time with his hand on his watch. Which they all wore on the left hand and up-side, which allowed them to view it even when their weapons were raised.
'On my mark.' he whispered in his usually cold fashion.
'Mark.'
They sychronized their watches and the van door flew open, their eyes scanned the barren sidewalks as they barreled through the street. Their fingers glued to side of the trigger, holding their assault rifles close to their bodies, they burst through the bank doors. There were very few people in the lobby only four or five waiting in a line, the bank manager who had his back turned to the bank entrance as he inspected the daily newspaper, and bank teller was dealing with a customer. As everyone's eyes glanced at the robbers their faces went white, the only ones who showed no inkling of fear were bank teller and manager. This was their first robbery, but their training prepared them for situations like this. The bank only began business a month ago, but the vault was nearly filled with money. They knew what the men wanted, and wouldn't risk anyone's life to stop them.

'Everyone down!' shouted the leader of the group.
'Simon shoot the teller, we don?t want him pressing any silent alarm.' the leader said in low voice to not alert the teller of their intentions. Simon carried out the leader?s order, the other robbers proceeded to tie the customers hands behind their backs as laid on the floor. The group was made up of only four men, but they were professionals and did their jobs expertly.
There was less people in the bank then expected, but that just made it easier. Isaac, the leader group moved toward the bank manager, grabbing him by the neck and pointing his pistol to the manager?s head.
'Are we going to do this the easy way or the hard way.' he whispered in manager?s ear.
'The easy way I suppose' groaned the manager as he gasped for air.
'Okay then, let?s head to the vault, if I can remember correctly its down that hallway.' he said in a hushed voice as he pointed toward the hallway toward his left.

The streets outside were as barren as they were when the robber first entered the bank. There was no one to hear the Simon?s execution of the bank teller, no one to alert the police about suspicious men entering the bank.

Philip or Pip as he was often called, was responsible for the confiscation of any communication device their hostages might have, as he took out the phones of the hostages he noticed the subtle movements of a particular hostage toward his right. This hostage was beautiful woman, but that made no differences to him, he cared about her as much he did an ant under his shoe. As he positioned her to sit he could see the scared face of the woman, but that did not phase him.
'What do you think you're doing?' he said in a low monotone voice.
She didn't answer.
'I saw you trying to untie yourself, what were you thinking of doing?'
She looked into his eyes, but they were devoid of pity only indifference.
'Did you think you could've escaped?'
Again she did not answer, a tear dripped down her right cheek.
'Don't try it or I?ll kill you.'
She felt as those his words lingered in the air. He positioned her onto the floor again.

Niko was in charge of wiping the banks cameras of any footage of him and his comrades. He job was a meticulous one, he would have to crack the 32 pin password of the bank?s security system. He was an expert at cracking computer systems, within a few moments he was deleting the camera recording of the robbers. As he finished up he linked the outside cameras of bank to his PDA device, it helped to be on the safe side.

The manager opened the vault, first using his key to the panel in the vault door, and then keyed in the sixteen pin password. As the vault swung open, Isaac shoved his four duffle bags into the managers arms.
'Fill them.' Isaac said in a low monotone which all the bank robbers used.
The manager went to work filling the bags, putting each bag at the robbers feet as he filled them.
Okay we?re all set to go.' the robber said into his earpiece.
His friends came into the vault inspecting each bag, and picking them as they exited through the door.
"All phone calls coming in and out of the bank will jammed for at least thirty minutes." Niko said audibly so the bank manager would hear him. Taking a moment to think Isaac turned to bank manager.
'Thank you for your help, we will be leaving now.'
The robbers walked trough the group of hostages on floor and strolled to their van with the duffle bags on their shoulders. They filed in one by one, it took only a few seconds to get the van started. The bank manager watched through the glass door as the white van passed the bank and turned left.

Everything went according to plan and they were in and out in thirty minutes. Their loot was more than five hundred thousand dollars which was on the low side, but would suffice. This was their trade and profession, none felt regret for what they had done it was just business.
 

tippy2k2

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Mar 15, 2008
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Grammar-wise, this is kind of bad :(

There are typos in multiple places and a lot of short, awkward sounding sentences (Matthew94 has given examples above of this).

Examples:
"Okay we're all set to go, is everyone ready. [sic; should be ?]"
"That [sic; I assume it should be Thank] you for your help, we will be leaving now."
"Simon keep your shoot the teller, we don't want any police arriving before schedule." [sic?; Uh...what?]

There are quite a number of them...

Story-wise, why did they shoot the teller? I just can't figure that out. If it's because he could set off the alarm, they should probably just shoot everyone since I'm pretty sure any of those employees could set off the alarm... Not to mention the movie Heat if I'm not mistaken. Was it in that movie where they won't shoot unless they HAVE to because the jail time for murder is SO much higher than the jail time for robbery (and then once they do shoot someone, they just shoot at everyone because it's not any worse)? I can't imagine that a group of professionals are going to last long if they start their robbery career by blowing people away...

Also, this isn't terribly original, just kind of a meh idea. I don't know if you're going to add more or if this is it but it's just generic.

Lastly, thirty damn minutes to rob a bank? Does no one go to this bank or something? How in the hell could it take a large group of heavily armed men that long and NO ONE notices...?

Sorry to be so harsh but I figured it'd be better than saying nothing :)
 

DoPo

"You're not cleared for that."
Jan 30, 2012
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As Matthew94 and tippy2k2 mentioned - lots of errors. I wouldn't have minded them but they got too many too fast. And when I reached the part where they apologiesed for killing the teller, I literally had to go back and look for when that happened because I didn't remember reading anything like that.

"Simon keep your shoot the teller, we don't want any police arriving before schedule." the leader said in low voice to not alert the teller of their intentions. Simon carried out the leader's order, the other robbers proceeded to tie the customers hands behind their backs as laid on the floor. Four men made up the group of robbers, but they were professionals. There was less people in the bank then expected, but that just made it easier. Isaac, the leader group moved toward the bank manager, gripping him by the neck and pointing his pistol to the manager's head.
Yes, in light of what I read at the other end of the story, it does make sense that they killed him (her?). But when I first read it I thought "keep your shoot" would be a mistake and Isaac was just telling Simon to watch the teller closely or to keep the gun aimed at him (her?). It didn't seem at all like they killed the teller.

Definitely needs proof reading. And add more details. Flesh out the scene more. It felt rather...I don't know "jagged". A lot of short scenes that could have had more impact and meaning. They shot the teller - how about the reaction from other people, the ringing of the gunshot, what thought went through Simon's head. Just a brief example of what I think could have been an improvement

"Simon, shoot the teller, we don't want any police arriving before schedule." the leader said in low voice to not alert the teller of their intentions before then stepping away and nodding to the rest of the group. Simon did not even wink when he carried down the order. No emotion escaped to his face even though the mask covered it.

The shot tore through the confusion and panic in the bank. The rest of the robbers had already ordered everybody to the ground and were in the process of tying their hands behind their backs. Several cries escaped the hostages but the men in masks were professionals, the barked "Silence!" and waving of their weapons gave immediate results and the crowd was left only with their tears and silent sobbing along with almost palpable fear.

The teller's body slouched forward and finally his face, frozen surprised twisted in pain, disappeared behind the desk. Simon only followed saw it from the corner of his vision, as he kept his gaze and his gun at the hostages. He did not enjoy killing people but orders were orders. He had learned never to question them.
And so on and so forth. Just an example. Make the acts more meaningful. That is your chance to add touches to all the characters as well as the scene.