Poll: When you love a woman but not her body....

[MasterSteef]

..what do you do?

So I find myself in quite the pickle now, having once again broken things off with a girl that I am madly in love with (and have dated on and off again for seven years). The reason being that since it had been a few years since we had dated. I took a trip down to visit her (she lives a state and a half away) and as soon as I saw her I got completely wrapped up in her again. I love everything she does, says and thinks. She and I compliment each other perfectly, we talk for hours and hours on the phone, and there's nothing she would change about me. If I got with her seriously, I know we'd be so happy.

But I am just not physically attracted to her body. I have seriously tried to be attracted to it but I just simply am not. Without getting too graphic, I can say that she has the most beautiful face. I love her lips, her eyes, and her sly smile, but the rest of her body I am just not attracted to. She is technically obese, but she does visit the gym. Not frequently enough to really make a big difference though. And looking at her family its easy to see that the weight issue is probably hereditary. We have gotten into a short conversation about her weight before and she explained that she does have a realistic target weight and would like to reach that "someday".

She wants answers as to why I keep backing out of things with her over the years and this is the big one, the reason to end all and I don't feel like I am supposed to tell her what it is since it would break her heart..

So I need some advice, can I bring the weight issue up with her or is that better left unsaid? Am I just being shallow or should I just keep trying to see past it?

 

[The Man With the Soap]

Try talking to her about it. If she doesn't take it well, then there's always more out there. If you're not attracted to the way she looks now, then you never will be.

 

[Erana]

I mean, peoples' weight is a thing, and how much you enjoy her as a person proves that you haven't been shallow in this relationship.
Do you love her and feel that you could have a long-term relationship with her? Depending on her genetics and lifestyle, the problem could go away if you two lived together and made a commitment to each other to live healthy, active lives.

I know personally that genetics can be terrible on the matter of weight. I get a cardio work out pretty much daily and my mother is a registered dietician, so I eat pretty well. I'm still a point overweight in my BMI. Most of my blood relatives are obese. My poor sister works out diligently and manages to take every calorie-cutting act possible while cooking incredible cuisine. She is beautiful and very fit, but her body will never achieve contemporary society's ideal of womanly beauty. She is, however, gorgeous by the standards of someone whose eye is of a more classical persuasion.

This is one thing that, in addition to helping her achieve her physical best, could help you out- change your perception of beauty. As an artist, my appreciation for the human body is about visual aesthetic and health, not the extremes. Drawing anorexic women or muscle-bound men in traditional life drawing practices is just... I can't really explain it. It just loses the sensuality of the human form. For example, love handles for me have become a beautiful part of the body. Which is good, because all but especially petite women, when healthy, have them. If she's predisposed to holding on weight, she'll never ever have the body of the sexy star of the year. But she can reach her body's perfection, if you're able to see it.

All in all, she has everything you seem to want in a partner except the body, which just happens to be the only factor here that is not static. If you want to go further with her and change her appearance, you should change the way you think so that this endeavor would be about your mutual health. Tackle every lifestyle improvement together.
Its one thing to dislike her current weight, its another thing to hold it against her, being in the relationship on the condition she handle the significant task of changing her lifestyle and/or combating her genetic predisposition, while you have to do nothing because you were born luckier on this matter. That would be shallow.

If you don't think you could do that... then I really don't know what to say. Commiting that sincerely to a partner takes a lot of willpower and I don't know if I'd have it in me to be able to do it at this point, myself. I don't have a sex drive, so I'm not attracted to anyone and I've never been in the situation to date someone I found visually displeasing. Still, with weight being a real factor in my life and obesity probably my fate if something forced me sedentary for an extended period of time, I have put a lot of thought into it. And in a situation like this... well, my post is pretty much how I'd like to be treated on this issue.

[small]Except I'm already living a reasonably healthy lifestyle and am predisposed to bad knees and have mystery problems tied to my lady hormones so FML if a guy couldn't deal with somewhere around my current weight. ;-;[/small]

 

[dmase]

How about going with her to the gym and putting in the same effort to help her along.

 

[PleaseDele]

Tell her about it. How harsh as it may sound, talking about this issue might be the motivation she needs to get to her target weight "anyday now" rather than "someday".

And be honest, don't you think hiding this fact from her won't eat you up in the long run? It might be kind of a shcoker to her, but you have to think about your own well-being as well.

 

[xees]

I agree with another person here. Try to suggest doing activite which involve physical exercise (or go to the gym with her to encourge her).

 

[Tharwen]

Presumably, to love them, you would already have had to see past that.

Unless you met them on the internet and never spoke in person or something, in which case it's probably a fairly shallow form of love anyway.

 

[DefunctTheory]

The simple, nasty, completely unromantic fact is, you can't have a relationship with someone you are not attracted to.

It sucks, I know. But only tragedy lays down the road of dating people you find unattractive.

 

[gazumped]

Presumably, to love them, you would already have had to see past that.

^ This. I can't quite get my head around how you can be dotty romantically about someone and not be attracted to them. Do you have particular issues about fat people? Perhaps your dad used to joke about chubby chasers when you were young and you're worried about losing his respect for being with a fat woman, something along those lines?
Because otherwise, love is blind, or perhaps a more appropriate thing to say is, love has really bad vision, because the grossest looking thing will be incredibly sexy to you once you're in love with them.

 

[artanis_neravar]

snip

Talk to her about it, you can't have a working relationship if there is no physical attraction, and as much as people like to spew the rhetoric "If you truly love her you can look past her physical appearance" but that is bull. Physical attraction is just as important as personality and sex in a relationship, and if you don't have even one of those it can not work out.

 

[khaimera]

Do not talk to her about it. In a perfect world you can and should be honest, but not in the real world. Its doesn't work. Just be with her, take her on some physical activity type dates, and be supportive whenever she brings up weight. Do not tell her that you are not attracted to her unless you want her to never speak to you again.

But, Tharwen is right too, in that I too would not be able to fall in love with a physically unatractive person in the first place.

And also, my marriage is falling apart at the moment, so you probably should not take my advice. It always fucks me in the end.

 

[Erana]

I can't quite get my head around how you can be dotty romantically about someone and not be attracted to them.

Asexuals can do it. love and lust can be mutually exclusive.

 

[gazumped]

I can't quite get my head around how you can be dotty romantically about someone and not be attracted to them.

Asexuals can do it. love and lust can be mutually exclusive.

When I suggested it would be understandable if the OP had a psychological aversion to fat people I meant that would perhaps be a viable reason to not be attracted to her despite their feelings, as asexuality would be, because it's a general factor and not a reflection on her. If the OP is not asexual then what could be holding them back from feeling lust for someone they adore?

When I first met my boyfriend I thought he was a total moose. Now I think he's the most gorgeous guy on this planet and can't keep my hands off of him. I don't know what's changed except that now I'm in love with him. I know I can't take my own experiences and say this is how everyone should be, but this is why I can't get my head round this situation.

 

[grizzlyAssuager]

You are not being shallow. Romantic conceptions of love as being blind are not going to help you here. Also, remaining silent about this is the most insulting thing you can do.

Here is what you wrote, ephasis mine.

She wants answers as to why I keep backing out of things with her over the years and this is the big one, the reason to end all and I don't feel like I am supposed to tell her what it is since it would break her heart..

Man up and explain you behavior to her. You have been dating her on and off for 7 years, so I am going to assume she is an adult woman. She can deal with and deserves honesty. She is explicitly asking for answers, so give her that respect. Witholding information from her to "spare her feelings" is much, much worse than admitting you are not attracted to her, and need attraction for a relationship to feel ok for you.

If you continue dating her, and her weight, for whatever reason, is a problem you can't overlook, you have a couple of options, such as dating someone else, or talking to her about it. Just don't give her a "I'll date you if you loose weight" that's just cruel.

Tell her honestly, that her current weight is the thing that is holding you back at the moment, and ask her if she is willing to take steps (with you) to change it. If she gives you a no, then you know it, and can stop wondering if things will ever change, and you can stop wasting her and your time.
If she says yes, then consider if you both have realistic goals. Is the weight she has set for herself something you would potentially be ok with? Is it really realistic? The body of a person who has lost weight is not the same as that of a young, skinny person... actually, consider this first XD

I hope you can come to a resolution that makes the both of you happy!

 

[damselgaming]

I used to have a weight problem, and my boyfriend told me that basically he was worried about me and he loved me so much but not what I was doing to myself. It actually made a world of a difference to me, and now we are perfectly happy, much MUCH healthier, and do sports/gymming together and moving in next month. If I was you just explain to her, sometimes as a girl you get into a comfort zone and you need a kick up the backside. You could do her a massive favour by being honest.

 

[theLadyBugg]

Tell her the truth, but don't expect it to immediately motive her to work harder at losing weight.

If you really do love her, don't you think she deserves somebody who will love and want her how she is, not despite her body?

 

[Tigbun]

Focus on a few choice things. Are you ever going to be happy if everything was perfect? Are you going to let a thing like weight get in the way of an other wise perfect relationship? Could there be anyone else who you feel more feelings for?

Honestly I love the flaws in life and have found beauty in them all. But when it comes down to it you have to do what feels right to you. The only way to really get over it is if you know you are who you want to be, and if not how you can change that. Other people shouldn't have to change to fit your image of beauty. So maybe you should let go of some of the cultural stigmas around you or change your perception on the matter.

After all attraction is a hell of a complex thing. Many people don't marry outside their own attractiveness level and that is due to certain standards and good genetics. So think if you really are all that attractive as well, cause I know for a fact that acceptance is a hard thing to get.

 

[rutger5000]

This is a pickle. But if you're really feeling like you say you do, then you will regret dumping the girl for her body. I wouldn't talk about it either. If I was her I wouldn't want to hear that my 7-year long boyfriends doesn't find me attractive. You're a bit late with that.
Besides sexual attraction is about way more then the body. If you can manage to get a healthy sex-life with her, then I can't imagine her body weight would matter to you at all. Key to this is good communication, talk.
Alternativly you make working out a thing you do together like Nicole said.

 

[Alexander Cunningham]

Close your eyes