Post a funny quote you've heard someone say in real life

[Jacco]

Since we are all going to die on Friday, let's go out laughing!

Or at least giggling.

Here's mine:

"It's ironic they named a condom after the Trojan horse. When you think about it, the horse penetrated the walls of Troy, spilled it's contents, and those contents went and caused a lot of pain for everyone."

 

[Rastien]

UK here

A collegue on the phone to BT (THE ONLY TELECOM PROVIDER IN TOWN) who informed the BT indian operator at the end of the phone:

'I have more chance of an engineer coming down to wipe my ass next time i take a shit than i do him turning up to site this morning'

 

[Erja_Perttu]

A customer and sales guy were getting into an argument at work. Both weren't the nicest of chaps either, and the conversation turned to taking it outside. Hearing this, a coworker stepped in between the two of them, faced the customer and said,

'Oi, he might be an idiot, but he's out idiot and if anyone gets to punch him, it's gonna be me!'

Somehow this worked, the customer laughed and the situation was diffused.

 

[Kopikatsu]

Something I said to a little girl (Like 6 years old) a few days ago.

"You fix a watch by smacking it. You FIX a watch by smacking it. You fix a WATCH by smacking it. You fix a watch by smacking it."

"That's also how you fix a TV."

"You fix a WATCH by smacking it. You FIX a watch by smacking it."

"That's also how you fix small children."

-Blank stare- "I am a small child."

"I know."

Then she left to find her mother.

 

[Jezzascmezza]

One day I was working as a check-out operator at a local super-market, when an old men who looked to be in his mid to late 60s said this gem completely out of nowhere after I had finished serving him-
"Well you know what they say in America- if you don't like sex and travel, then FUCK life."
He chuckled, there was an awkward silence, and then he walked off.
I waited until he was a good distance away before I burst out in confused laughter.
I was not aware they said such things in the USA.

 

[Calibanbutcher]

A little dark, but hey:
Playing Spec Ops: The Line and picking up an AK47:
"Ah, my weapon of choice. 10.000.000 child soldiers can't be wrong."

Something I said to a little girl (Like 6 years old) a few days ago.

"You fix a watch by smacking it. You FIX a watch by smacking it. You fix a WATCH by smacking it. You fix a watch by smacking it."

"That's also how you fix a TV."

"You fix a WATCH by smacking it. You FIX a watch by smacking it."

"That's also how you fix small children."

-Blank stare- "I am a small child."

"I know."

Then she left to find her mother.

Your avatar makes thisstory soo much better.

 

[Zhukov]

From a person who was feeling seasick:

"Ohh, Christ, it feels like my lunch is attempting a rematch."

 

[Rawne1980]

My 11 year old son to my dad.

"I'm going to be like you one day Grandad".

My dad asked him if he was going to join the RAF (British Air Force) like he did.

My son replied...

"No, i'm going to be wrinkly and bald".

it made me chuckle.

 

[Jacco]

Something I said to a little girl (Like 6 years old) a few days ago.

"You fix a watch by smacking it. You FIX a watch by smacking it. You fix a WATCH by smacking it. You fix a watch by smacking it."

"That's also how you fix a TV."

"You fix a WATCH by smacking it. You FIX a watch by smacking it."

"That's also how you fix small children."

-Blank stare- "I am a small child."

"I know."

Then she left to find her mother.

Remember kids. Child beating is only a crime if other people see the bruises.

 

[Guffe]

When my friend and me were in London

"If you see a big ass river, with a big ass bridge crossing it, next to a big ass tower, then you take a fucking picture"
(Can't remember if there was a few "fucks" behind a few of those "big ass"es also)

Best tourist hint I've ever got

 

[Vegosiux]

Once, in state of utter bafflement over something I forgot already, a friend of mine went

"What the hell WAS that? What the HELL was that? WHAT the hell was THAT!?"

I could almost joke he should have also gone "What THE hell was that?" as well for a full set. (Not in english of course, but it could still be done).

 

[repeating integers]

"Should I give Gandalf a Jetpack?"

Try and figure out the context behind THIS one.

 

[BonfireAg03]

This occurred recently, during one of my teacher certification classes. We had been reviewing Newton's Laws of Motion, and a fellow student asked the teacher the following question:

"So, where does him shooting the apple off of the guy's head come in?"

Following a reflexive facepalm, I turned around and very politely informed her that she was thinking of William Tell.

 

[klown]

The funniest things I tend to hear at work are from little old ladies who are racist. They say it with such a straight face it's amazing.

Yesterday I had a little old lady who came up to me and this was the conversation.

Old Lady-"Oh it's so nice to see at least one department in your store still hire real americans".
Me-"Well, actually I'm German"
Old Lady-"Oh, well you know, I mean people who speak only English."
Me-"Es tut mir leid, ich verstehe nicht."

She walked off after that.

 

[Erja_Perttu]

"Should I give Gandalf a Jetpack?"

Try and figure out the context behind THIS one.

Nope, context would ruin the peculiarity.

"...and then Doreen got up, dumped her wine down her throat and told as all about her adventures with a sailor."

I heard that at my local drama club Christmas party. Joan, as I later found out, is about ninety. I wonder just how old that story is?

 

[smearyllama]

"McKinley, if you can't operate that pipet properly sober, I'd hate to see you do it drunk!"
-A friend of mine while we were doing a lab in chemistry. Apparently,I am just really bad at pipeting.

"Have slide whistle, will travel."
-Me. I don't think context is required.

I'll try to remember more amusing excerpts.

 

[Auron225]

My mum to my dad (they're both over 50);

Mum: Will you stop pouring the tea leaves down the sink!
Dad: I'm sorry! I won't do it anymore!

She goes on about a few other minor things he does that annoy her and he apologizes for them all. Then, messing around, she says;

Mum: And you have too many girlfriends!
Dad: But I like girls!!

 

[War Penguin]

My high school Physics teacher walked into the classroom one afternoon on the last week of school and said:

"Look, guys, I have to come clean here. I have been just WINGING it this entire time. I have NO idea what the hell I've said this whole year. I mean, I don't even know what a SCIENCE is!"

I would also include funny stuff that I had said, but that would be cheating.

 

[ReservoirAngel]

Something said by an incredibly drunk acquantance when I found him sitting on the floor next to a playground at about midnight one night:

"Dude, you can't let the Grimm get me. He hangs around playgrounds." Then, looking back suspiciously and speaking quieter he added: "Kinda pedo, really."

Never having a drunk Harry Potter film marathon again. If my memory was better I could list so many stupid Harry Potter-related things my friends and I have randomly come out with.

Well, mainly them. My own idiocy is mostly confined to yelling "just fuck already!" whenever Harry and Draco have a scene together.

 

[The Wykydtron]

"OHHHHHH, THE TRAPS ARE CUPCAKES! I JUST NOTICED! FUCKING HELL!"

-Wykyd 2012

"Oh you're 23? Oh. I could do your pixels... I could do your pixels and get away with it!"

-Cry 2012

"EEP *strangled girly sound* EEK"

-Rookie 2012

"OH NO, YOU HATE TO SEE THIS TYPE OF THING HAPPEN! Lvl 3? Lvl 3. OHHHHH MAIIII GAWWWD! OHHHHH MAIIII GAWD! OHHHHHHH MAIIIIIII GAWWWWWD!"

-Yipes 2012.

Fucking Yipes man, best commentator ever.

"Knock, knock, who's there? It's my legs."

^His opinion on da Foot Dive.