Just a quick review on Ninja Blade for the Xbox 360.
Ninja Blade apparently used its ninja prowess to evade media attention, because until I saw it on the shelf, I hadn't even heard of it. Well, that's not completely true. Ninja blade is nothing but a mashup of games that I've played before. Here's the storyline. There's a parasite that controls peoples' minds with the intent of destroying the world, or whatever it is sentient worms fucking do. (Resident Evil) Ok, now you play some super ninja (Ninja Gaiden, Tenchu) specifically bred to kill these parasites (Halo) You're so badass that you use quick-time events (God of War, Prince of Persia) to fuck up all of your enemies by flying motorcycles and riding missiles at them. (Devil May Cry). In the first level, you get this shuriken that spins around and hits things, much like cape mario (Super Mario Brothers 3), and on the second level, you get this other shuriken that you throw in a vertical arc that kills things with its fire powers, much, much like fire flower mario (Super Mario Brothers 3 again). Anyway, there's some rail shooter mini-levels here and there (Area 51, Ed Hunter, Tying of the Dead), and the slow down time element returns(Timeshift, Blitz: the league 1&2, Jericho, Prince of Persia again). I could go on, but it took me a half-hour to do this paragraph alone.
Underneath all the stolen ideas, though, is a truly ridiculous game with some truly crazy boss fights. One comes to mind. I had just gotten done fighting an infected helicopter and a twenty-story-tall earthworm, when I am confronted with a monstrous snail. Only this game could take something as harmless as a snail, and make it even more harmless in large size. Anyway, this snail has this big spiky mouth-dick that he launches at you every chance it gets. It hurts when it hits, but the problem is that it's as inaccurate as a porn star with Parkinson's disease. After hitting its mouth-dick a few hundred times with my huge-ass sword, I proceeded to ride a normal motorcycle through the air and into its mouth, where it promptly exploded and killed it dead. At this point in time, even the most depressed ************ on the planet would be somewhere in between hilarity and "What the fuck? Are they trying to be serious here?". It's that bad.
I'll end with an analogy. Ninja Blade is the kid in high school who can't find an identity for himself, so he tries to fit in with too many groups. Naturally, he over-exerts himself and becomes the class douchebag, regarded only as that one shithead who doesn't need any help fucking himself because he's already done a good enough job of it. His parents divorce and he promptly kills himself, only to fade into obscurity. The end. Get past the depressing parts and see the clever analogy. It's worth it.
Bottom line- Rent it. Don't pass it up, but for the love of everything good in this world, don't buy it.
Ninja Blade apparently used its ninja prowess to evade media attention, because until I saw it on the shelf, I hadn't even heard of it. Well, that's not completely true. Ninja blade is nothing but a mashup of games that I've played before. Here's the storyline. There's a parasite that controls peoples' minds with the intent of destroying the world, or whatever it is sentient worms fucking do. (Resident Evil) Ok, now you play some super ninja (Ninja Gaiden, Tenchu) specifically bred to kill these parasites (Halo) You're so badass that you use quick-time events (God of War, Prince of Persia) to fuck up all of your enemies by flying motorcycles and riding missiles at them. (Devil May Cry). In the first level, you get this shuriken that spins around and hits things, much like cape mario (Super Mario Brothers 3), and on the second level, you get this other shuriken that you throw in a vertical arc that kills things with its fire powers, much, much like fire flower mario (Super Mario Brothers 3 again). Anyway, there's some rail shooter mini-levels here and there (Area 51, Ed Hunter, Tying of the Dead), and the slow down time element returns(Timeshift, Blitz: the league 1&2, Jericho, Prince of Persia again). I could go on, but it took me a half-hour to do this paragraph alone.
Underneath all the stolen ideas, though, is a truly ridiculous game with some truly crazy boss fights. One comes to mind. I had just gotten done fighting an infected helicopter and a twenty-story-tall earthworm, when I am confronted with a monstrous snail. Only this game could take something as harmless as a snail, and make it even more harmless in large size. Anyway, this snail has this big spiky mouth-dick that he launches at you every chance it gets. It hurts when it hits, but the problem is that it's as inaccurate as a porn star with Parkinson's disease. After hitting its mouth-dick a few hundred times with my huge-ass sword, I proceeded to ride a normal motorcycle through the air and into its mouth, where it promptly exploded and killed it dead. At this point in time, even the most depressed ************ on the planet would be somewhere in between hilarity and "What the fuck? Are they trying to be serious here?". It's that bad.
I'll end with an analogy. Ninja Blade is the kid in high school who can't find an identity for himself, so he tries to fit in with too many groups. Naturally, he over-exerts himself and becomes the class douchebag, regarded only as that one shithead who doesn't need any help fucking himself because he's already done a good enough job of it. His parents divorce and he promptly kills himself, only to fade into obscurity. The end. Get past the depressing parts and see the clever analogy. It's worth it.
Bottom line- Rent it. Don't pass it up, but for the love of everything good in this world, don't buy it.
