(Relationship) So, so conflicted.

[The Journey]

I wish I didn't have to post here to get input from random strangers on the Internet (no offense, I don't mean to deride you whom I don't know, just is what it is), but I've a small problem.

Here's the situation.

I am 24, living in WA, Australia. I have had a fair gap since my last relationship because it crashed and burned and I was fairly crushed. My last relationship was when I was 22-23 with a 17-18 year old girl at the time. Fairly normal age gap.

Fast forward to now at 24. I develop a friendship with a girl who serves me at my local game store. She's 17. I turned two months before she turned 17.

Now, we became fast friends and have since gone out and done things friends do, go to the mall, have lunch on her lunch break and so on and so forth. She also has a boyfriend who is about two years younger than me.

In character she's probably more mature than I am on balance and acts generally more like a 19-20 year old than 17.

So now we seem to be getting closer (as friends) and now I've started to develop feelings for her.

Now I feel like a fucking idiot, how can I possibly develop feelings for a girl who is seven years my junior? I have got to be stupid to allow this to continue. These are the thoughts running through my mind.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and it's not done me any favors. I'm fairly conflicted because I both don't want to give a shit what other people think and do what will make me happy, but also because I'm too insecure in myself to do that.

In the last few days I've narrowed down what my real problems are with all this, and they all come down to being simply fearful.

1. I'm afraid of being judged by the other people in my life for getting too close to this girl.
2. I'm afraid of losing her as a genuinely good friend as a result of this.
3. I'm afraid she'll reject me.
4. I'm afraid of actually entering into another relationship, period.

I have to do something because it's gradually starting to affect the rest of my life and when it gets to that point, you know it's bad.


Now that I've written all this I want to run and hide, I almost closed this window about five times during the writing of all this just because I didn't want to know what the responses might be.

I feel like an idiot, I feel like a fool. I have the distinct feeling I am going to crash and burn on this one, regardless of my decision, that I'm likely to be rejected if I proceed and be more than a little crushed when I tell her we can't be friends anymore.

I almost don't want to know, but does anyone feel like wading into this minefield to give me a hand?

 

[larysalove]

Well... Here's my thoughts:

If its gotten to the point where your feelings are effecting your relationship with her and just your everyday life in general, you don't have a choice but to either tell her or stop being friends.

As for the fear, if you don't put yourself out there and try things, what can you ever actually hope to achieve? I know the possibility of rejection and judgment is terrifying, but without the awkward situations we get from things like this, life would never move forward.

 

[MaltaElvoret]

At this time, it seems like you need one thing. Patience. You can't just expect anything when it comes to relationship. I was in a similar relationship, the only difference was the age gap. At this moment, I think you should wait. If she has a boyfriend then she will probably be very unlikely to consider getting into another relationship. You just have to wait and see, if her relationship with her bf fail, then you should be there to support her, and then try to move further into a relationship. If her relationship with her bf works, then be happy for her, and try to find yourself someone else to get in a relationship with. At this moment all you can do is wait and see. As for the age difference, if you do get into a relationship, then there won't be any judging later down the road. But for now the best thing to do is to wait calmly.

 

[The Journey]

I appreciate the replies and the responses are pretty much what I expected, and had already thought about but needed some sort of corroboration.

I'm now fairly nervous she or someone like her might see this here, since they know where I frequent on the net.

Oh well, can't be helped. Life is funny and painful at the same time so, so often.

Edit:

To add some complicators to the mix, her bf is her first and already been with her for a fair while so I'm rather late to the game here.

I do think she likes me, but I'm usually god awful at reading girls so I wouldn't stake my life on it.

I think I'll let this lie and just back off a bit and be patient. It won't make me any saner, but it might help.

 

[lemiel14n3]

I have to admit, my original thought here was more about legal complications than ethical ones. But according to a Google search the age of consent is 16 in Australia, so there's no problems there.

I can see where you're coming from, my advice, don't worry about it. If you genuinely care for this girl and she likes you back, then age doesn't really matter all that much.

Go for it and tell her how you feel. Worse thing that can happen is she'll say "No"

 

[zombiesinc]

I feel like an idiot, I feel like a fool. I have the distinct feeling I am going to crash and burn on this one, regardless of my decision, that I'm likely to be rejected if I proceed and be more than a little crushed when I tell her we can't be friends anymore.

I almost don't want to know, but does anyone feel like wading into this minefield to give me a hand?

Well, as it stands, she has a boyfriend. Unless she makes it very clear that she likes you, or isn't happy in her current relationship, you shouldn't even consider expressing your feelings towards her. If you can't bring yourself to let them go, then you may very well have to severe your friendship. You can't control whether or not you're attracted to, or become attracted to another person, but you do control whether or not you act on those feelings. At this point, expressing those feelings to her would be selfish, she's already in a relationship. Ask yourself if expressing those feelings are really your best choice in the situation, and how much you value your current friendship. If you really want to remain friends, then try your best to get past those feelings. If you can't do that, then it may be best to distance yourself from her. Anything else will cause tension between the two of you, at the very least. Regardless of your choice, best of luck.

 

[delvin313]

No, just no. I get the appeal, young girls seem to be more mature than their age and they are very good at appearing to be so. There is no way to speed up the maturation process. In the end, she is just a 17 year old girl. You will save yourself so much heartache if you give up now, seriously.

 

[itstimeforpie]

Well if she has a boyfriend, you might have to wait for the present, you might be better bringing out in the open anyway though, seeing as your feeling are affecting you in a significant manner, the absolute worst thing she can do is say no, its already been said above, about you losing her as a friend when you developed feelings for her. I don't know if thats necesarily true, but you may want to consider distancing yourself from her, to wait out her current relationship, and also to take time and to evaluate your feelings for her, but its your choice though, any course you pursue is entirely up to you.

Best of luck.

 

[BonsaiK]

I wish I didn't have to post here to get input from random strangers on the Internet (no offense, I don't mean to deride you whom I don't know, just is what it is), but I've a small problem.

Here's the situation.

I am 24, living in WA, Australia. I have had a fair gap since my last relationship because it crashed and burned and I was fairly crushed. My last relationship was when I was 22-23 with a 17-18 year old girl at the time. Fairly normal age gap.

Fast forward to now at 24. I develop a friendship with a girl who serves me at my local game store. She's 17. I turned two months before she turned 17.

Now, we became fast friends and have since gone out and done things friends do, go to the mall, have lunch on her lunch break and so on and so forth. She also has a boyfriend who is about two years younger than me.

In character she's probably more mature than I am on balance and acts generally more like a 19-20 year old than 17.

So now we seem to be getting closer (as friends) and now I've started to develop feelings for her.

Now I feel like a fucking idiot, how can I possibly develop feelings for a girl who is seven years my junior? I have got to be stupid to allow this to continue. These are the thoughts running through my mind.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and it's not done me any favors. I'm fairly conflicted because I both don't want to give a shit what other people think and do what will make me happy, but also because I'm too insecure in myself to do that.

In the last few days I've narrowed down what my real problems are with all this, and they all come down to being simply fearful.

1. I'm afraid of being judged by the other people in my life for getting too close to this girl.
2. I'm afraid of losing her as a genuinely good friend as a result of this.
3. I'm afraid she'll reject me.
4. I'm afraid of actually entering into another relationship, period.

I have to do something because it's gradually starting to affect the rest of my life and when it gets to that point, you know it's bad.


Now that I've written all this I want to run and hide, I almost closed this window about five times during the writing of all this just because I didn't want to know what the responses might be.

I feel like an idiot, I feel like a fool. I have the distinct feeling I am going to crash and burn on this one, regardless of my decision, that I'm likely to be rejected if I proceed and be more than a little crushed when I tell her we can't be friends anymore.

I almost don't want to know, but does anyone feel like wading into this minefield to give me a hand?

She's got a boyfriend. Not much you can do. However, I'd consider declaring your interest anyway. Not "I love you and want to be your boyfriend" (which will creep her the fuck out and make her run a million miles from you), but "you're hot and if you didn't have a guy, I'd be interested" (which will likely be perceived as flattering, and probably not even ruin the friendship, in fact if anything it'll make it stronger). I said that once to a girl, the next week she dumped her boyfriend and went out with me. Keep in mind though that any girl willing to trade up to you is probably also willing to trade up from you to someone else, so I'd put the brakes on developing those feelings in any case, because if not you're going to regret it for sure.

I went out with a 17 year old when I was 24, so I don't see a problem there. Mind you, 17 is legal where I live (and where you live it's 16). The girl I mentioned above, she was 21 when I was going out with her, and I was 36. So don't sweat the age difference. A lot of young girls like older guys because they're more mature than the douchebags their own age, some girls like a bit of maturity. Bottom line, if it's legal it's fine.

Your real problem is your own insecurity, you need to get over that pronto, whether this girl works out for you or not. Stop worrying so much about what others think of you. Fuck 'em, why does their opinion matter? So you make an enemy, so what - we all have them. Prioritise your own self-esteem and confidence levels, look for ways to boost them. That's far, far more important in the long run than what this girl says.

 

[Arcade Hero X]

Your real problem is your own insecurity, you need to get over that pronto, whether this girl works out for you or not. Stop worrying so much about what others think of you. Fuck 'em, why does their opinion matter? So you make an enemy, so what - we all have them. Prioritise your own self-esteem and confidence levels, look for ways to boost them. That's far, far more important in the long run than what this girl says.

I completely agree with above! You are your own worst enemy from what i can see man. Look at it from a completely logical standpoint both of you are considered adults so make a decision to reflect that. If you have feelings for the girl don't be hiding them, Why? What is the point you'll only be doing yourself more harm then good.

Also don't be stupid you cannot go head onto this either she has a boyfriend so you gotta do some recon first, Find out if their happy or what ever because no matter how much you like her is she is mad about her boyfriend then you gotta man up and realise that their is nothin more you can do, Like you can't break them up not only is that a D**k move but as also said about if she'll do it for you, she'll do it to you.

Be smart about this yes your friends, Yes you want more but if she is truely happy with her current relationship what right do you have to break them up?

Also she is 17 right if everything goes your way and your happy do you see it lasting forever you need to spend a bit more time with the girl everyday to see if she's worth it man, You can't base a part of your life around a girl who would only consider you a fling or a one night thing cos that would hurt more then rejection ever would.

My advise think with your head not your heart, If you get her then think with your heart all your days but at the moment you have to get her first and you cannot do that without logic and planning. It's gonna be a mindfield also so be prepared for a couple of variables I.E psycho boyfriend?, The whole you want what you cant have argument, She might not be what you really want, or worst of all you get her and then find someone else who you really really want.

Any way man good luck i wish all the best with this dude everyone needs something really really good to happen to them once every year i hope this is your thing!