Sex and Relationships

[Riku'sTwilight]

So I'm in a tricky situation right now...

I've been going out with my current girlfriend for 5 months and we've not had sex. We've done absolutely nothing but kissing (despite sleeping over at each others places)

I'm borderline asexual, I like the idea of sex but actually doing it does nothing for me, it doesn't even make me orgasm. (I'm a guy, just for some context)

Now, not having done anything with my girlfriend I'm wondering;

a) if we eventually have sex and it doesn't do anything for me still what do i do?

b) Is she averse to sex as well?

c) How to bring all of this up to her, seeing as i can hardly blurt out anything to do with sex without it seeming both out of the blue and like that's the only thing I'm after.

Advice would be much appreciated please people

 

[Musette]

I can't say that I speak from experience on this matter, because even though I'm asexual, I'm not romantically inclined and skillfully avoided dealing with sex in the relationships I did have by merit of dating mostly people who were celibate at the time or didn't try anything by merit of me planning on waiting until college (because back then, I thought that people magically started wanting sex when they graduated high school for some odd reason).

Anywho, as far as when to communicate this sort of thing, the best thing I could suggest is to at least discuss this before having sex, because if your partner senses that you're not that into it, then you risk her taking it personally or blaming herself until you do eventually talk about it. If you are wondering if she is sex-adverse, then I would say that communicating before having sex is even more important. Even if you were to bring it up out of the blue, going out of your way to discuss your unique position on sex, especially one based more on disinterest than interest, then it probably won't come off as the only thing that you want in a relationship and hopefully, she will be willing to discuss her perspective as well.

If you do end up having sex, hopefully you can talk about it after the fact as well, both for her to understand how you feel and for you to understand how she does. That way, you can see where you two see eye-to-eye and what might require compromise. I have no clue how to instigate the conversation though, since I've never been in these situations myself. One option might be to wait for her to bring up the topic, but you can't guarantee when that will happen or if she will try talking about it first or making a move first, if she does any of those at all, so there's a lot of chance involved if you go that route, but otherwise, unless some loosely related conversation pops up, it might be difficult to make the conversation seem like it didn't come completely from out of the blue.

I wish I could be of more help, but either way, I hope things work out!

 

[manic_depressive13]

So when you say borderline asexual, do you think you are asexual, or do you just have a very low sex drive? Have you managed to achieve orgasm through masturbation? Anyway, it's important that you talk about this with your partner. Not talking about it could seriously hurt your relationship. To answer your specific questions:

a) Talk to her about it beforehand. Explain that you may be asexual, and that you've never experienced pleasure from sex. If you both decide you still want to give it a try and you don't enjoy it, just tell her, and make it clear it's not her fault. Might this end your relationship? Yeah, maybe. If it turns out she wants sex and you don't, there's not really anything that can be done.

b) Maybe. Or maybe she's waiting for you to make the first move.

c) How could she possibly get the impression that all you're after is sex if you're going to explicitly tell her that you may be asexual? Just sit down with her and have an honest discussion about whether she wants sex in a relationship, how important it is to each of you, and whether either of you would be willing to compromise for the needs of the other.

As for how to bring it up; acknowledge that it's out of the blue, but tell her you've been worrying that your low sex drive not being compatible with her wants and needs.

 

[Mr.Cynic88]

You should absolutely talk to her about it. Be frank and honest. Sex should compliment a relationship rather than ruling it. The best part about intimacy is understanding your partner, so you're doing nobody any favors by withholding such information.

Talk to her about it in a comfortable and intimate setting. Idk you guys so that setting would of course depend on your relationship. Don't do it when you're making out or whatever, do it when you're talking about other personal stuff and naturally transition into it. I tend to suggest drinking to ease some of those personal anxieties, but that of course depends on you.

But yeah, it's best just to frankly talk about sex in these scenarios. Trust me, it's on both of your minds.