Sex Appeal and You!

[ObsidianJones_v1legacy]

Sexual Attraction has been one of my favorite topics to talk about since forever. I was your typical depressed kid, trying to date like everyone else but failing miserably. I convinced myself that girls didn't like me because I didn't look like Brad Pitt. I practically become obsessed with the idea. Literally considering myself one of the ugliest people in the world. If it wasn't for previously taught religious ideals about Hell and whatever, yeah, I would have ended it. It was that bad.

Over time, I tried to focus on other things. My intelligence. My strength. My martial arts ability. Anything I could to find value in what I was other than appearance. I limited my interest as much as I could, convincing myself there was no chance. But the heart often trumps reason and I still got those rejections.

Worse yet, By the time I started focusing on the good qualities of me, I actually DID receive some notice. But my mind was so warped that I couldn't see it, or thought it was because of my Race (Stereotypes about black men and all).

Through a lot of succeeding through trials, I have a much more positive outlook on myself now. I believe I'm on the pleasing side of average, which is night and day from what I used to think. But I can never believe I'm sexually attractive. Even with women nowadays saying so, I spent so much time with rejections and a self-belittling mindset that I think it's now impossible to think like that about myself. But it doesn't stop it from being one of my favorite topics to muse about.

So, in that note, I have a couple of questions in hopes to start a dialog.

-When it comes to yourself, are you assured of your sexual appeal to others? How much of your Sexual Appeal do you feel factors in on how people treat you?

-Does it factor in a little, a moderate amount, or to a high degree in your day to day life in terms of how you comport yourself during the day? i.e. Do you spend a good day getting ready to put your best self forward? Or do you think it's a useless waste of time and you merely go for hygiene above appearance? Do you ever use Sex Appeal to your advantage or are you a flirty person?

-Do you operate on a certain Sexual Level other than Heterosexual, Homosexual, or Bisexual? I'm talking Pansexuality [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pansexuality], Demisexual [https://www.dictionary.com/e/gender-sexuality/demisexual/], Sapiosexual [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/sapiosexual], Asexuality [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality].

And to those of you wondering why I didn't add Transgender, well, it's in the name. Transgendered is a Gender issue. Sexuality is about just sex. There can be a transgendered Born-Male who is Pansexual. There could be a Transgendered Born-Female who is Asexual.

Anything else anyone would like to share, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read and/or contribute to the discussion!

 

[PsychedelicDiamond]

I'm not a very sexual person. I've never had much of a libido, which might be a blessing in disguise, because it's not like I'm sexually active either. I'm not asexual or anything, even though I briefly identified as such in my mid teens. I've just made peace with the fact that I'm not gonna figure out how that whole "being sexually attractive" thing works. I just don't get it. I don't know how to interact with people in a way that makes them interested in having sex with me. It's like a foreign language. Sometimes I find that frustrating but then, most of the time I can live with it just fine.

I don't think it's my looks. I look just fine. I've been putting on weight and don't have as much hair as I used to but it's not like it was any different when it wasn't for those things. I'm not gonna figure that stuff out anytime soon and chances are I shouldn't dwell on it.

 

[Trunkage]

Sounds like you were one step away from an Incel.

The moment I met my partner was the day I swore off women. I had been cheated om a couple of times and ghosted. So it gives you an idea of rhe person I met to overcome all the baggage I had


So many people claim an influence over our relationship. I had some people just getting me out of my self pity wallow and to attend a party. I wasn't allowed to be there but some other friends got me in. Others danced with me to keep me company and cheered me on when I found someone.

I've had a bunch of women ask me out and this night was no different. I don't think I have great sex appeal as I have a noticable deformity but think my personality appeals to many.

I see myself as pansexual but have been in the same relationship for 16 years so that may be meaningless now.

I work in a place that has 20 women and me. While we talk about sex, relationships don't come up that much. There was a dick drawn on a window yesterday for all the colleagues to see to give you an idea of what we get up to

 

[Xprimentyl]

I?m pretty assured of my sexual appeal to others, but it?s immediately countered by my crippling introversion. Of the 10 or so women I?ve seriously dated, I only asked one of them out first; the rest pursued me (some rather aggressively) because I was too shy to make the first move. I don?t think most people treat me any differently in most situations, but when they do, it?s uncomfortable; I don?t flatter and as a born cynic, I?m often sardonic in my response to someone?s interest.

Any sex appeal I have factors in little to none insofar as how I conduct myself. I go for hygiene and comfort, preferring hoodies, jeans and tennis shoes. My girlfriend hates it that I don?t dress up and/or ?show myself off.? Also, as I said, I?m very introverted, so I often come across as cold, uninterested and angry to strangers; that?s not attractive to most people, though a couple of girlfriends did say that my apparent lack of interest in them was a challenge and thus a turn on. I don?t flirt and never use my appeal to my advantage; I don?t know how to do either.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Nearing 30 and steady for 6 years with my girl, I've lost pretty much every possible insecurity surrounding my physical appearence. I've attracted more women while in a relationship that outside one, which probably has to do less with my looks and more with the confidence that comes from not caring about it. Despair looks horrible. I guess there's a baseline of going to the gym and keeping up the hygiene but I'm not (consciously) trying to achieve anything other than feeling good about myself.

 

[Casual Shinji]

I'm sure I'm sexually appealing to a certain extent to some people, but I'm too blinded by my own social anxiety to ever catch on to it. That whole warped mind thing, yeah, I have that. I seriously couldn't tell you if a woman (or a man for that matter) has ever flirted with me.

I take care in not smelling, combing my hair, stuff like that, but I don't put in the extra effort because see above.

As for #3, I'm just a boring old heterosexual.

 

[Zykon TheLich_v1legacy]

I'm getting old, my hairline is receding and my stomach is not as flat as it once was. About a year or 2 ago I was actually getting a bit depressed about it, but having lost weight recently and having got a girlfriend who is younger than me and keeps insisting I'm lovely and sexy has certainly given me a big boost in confidence and self image.

When I was younger I had a certain charm I think, but I was into drugs, techno and women that like drugs and techno so I suppose my concern was being appealing to that kind of woman, but it came naturally. Although thinking back, the number of chances I missed because I was so off my face I didn't realise I was being chatted up...

I really just go for hygiene day to day at work, which is at a uni, so there's a lot of attractive young women there, but I'm old enough to be their dad, so I'm not really looking to impress anyone.

 

[Red Sentinel]

Pretty sure I'm a lost cause. My crippling social anxiety has seen to that.

I hate social gatherings and crowds of people. If I find myself in such a situation, I always keep to myself.

Nearest as I can tell, I've never had anyone of the fairer sex show me any 'interest' at all, in all my years. How it happens to other guys, I have no idea. It's like they're on a different plane of existence.

I have better success communicating with people online (hi everyone!), but since I live in the back-o-beyond, meeting someone online who actually lives near me is never going to happen.

Oh wells, some things are just not meant to be I guess.

 

[Hawki]

-When it comes to yourself, are you assured of your sexual appeal to others?

At this point in my life, it's safe to say that I have none.

How much of your Sexual Appeal do you feel factors in on how people treat you?

Dunno. Get on with people fine, but it's never going to go beyond platonic.

Do you spend a good day getting ready to put your best self forward? Or do you think it's a useless waste of time and you merely go for hygiene above appearance?

The latter.

 

[jademunky]

For me, I know my physical appearance is fine, not fantastic (prolly need to get a haircut more often and do something about the gut while it's still a manageable problem). I tend to be the type that automatically assumes by default that woman won't think of me that way and is oblivious when one does.

"she seems oddly interested in this conversation about my job, oh wait something else is happening here!?"

 

[SckizoBoy]

-When it comes to yourself, are you assured of your sexual appeal to others? How much of your Sexual Appeal do you feel factors in on how people treat you?

To the first, yes and no... yes, insomuch that I'm married to a woman who often can't stop trying to give me a hard-on (usually only after I shave, though)... but no, insomuch that I don't know whether that affects how people treat me. I'll be open with women I meet and be mildly flirty, but aside from that, I treat guys I meet pretty much the same way, and I have neither expectation of anything (even meaningful friendship, since I acknowledge that it takes a lot of effort to get to know me).

-Does it factor in a little, a moderate amount, or to a high degree in your day to day life in terms of how you comport yourself during the day? i.e. Do you spend a good day getting ready to put your best self forward? Or do you think it's a useless waste of time and you merely go for hygiene above appearance? Do you ever use Sex Appeal to your advantage or are you a flirty person?

Nope... to all of it, albeit to varying degrees. I don't socialise much except online, since most of my IRL social circle is half the planet away. Thus, I spend very little time getting ready but I do pay some attention to how I present myself so this is a compromise between the options I suppose. Yeah, I can be flirty, but I probably put too much weight on analysing my own and others' body language and use of vocabulary that it's all very delayed response... eh...!

-Do you operate on a certain Sexual Level other than Heterosexual, Homosexual, or Bisexual?

I'm heterosexual but biromantic... where does that figure, I wonder...(?)

 

[Chessrook44]

I am... confused. I don't know what I find sexually appealing (mostly), I don't know what others would find appealing about me, and for the most part I'm just... neutral about it. Hell I even say my libido's about two steps from the grave. The only thing I really know/am willing to admit is that I'm definately not gay, due to not just a lack of interest in but a disgust with that hideous disgusting tumor known as Male Genetalia.

I'm probably close to Aesexual with a few hetero leanings but really... I'm just confused.

Also I'm 30, single for life, and furry. Just to confuse some of you as to how that last one can be.

 

[Palindromemordnilap_v1legacy]

-When it comes to yourself, are you assured of your sexual appeal to others? How much of your Sexual Appeal do you feel factors in on how people treat you?

I feel my sex appeal is fairly low to be honest. I think if you were being generous you could say I was "rugged" but I generally prefer "scruffy". Though even if I have miscalculated and the people around me see me as better than I give myself credit for I would prefer that didn't factor in to how they treat me at all. Judge me for my actions, not my appearance

-Does it factor in a little, a moderate amount, or to a high degree in your day to day life in terms of how you comport yourself during the day? i.e. Do you spend a good day getting ready to put your best self forward? Or do you think it's a useless waste of time and you merely go for hygiene above appearance? Do you ever use Sex Appeal to your advantage or are you a flirty person?

I usually just go for hygiene. Though I have noticed that appearance has become more important to me now I have a partner, as I do my best to look good for her. Basically my appearance only really matters to the person who matters to me

-Do you operate on a certain Sexual Level other than Heterosexual, Homosexual, or Bisexual? I'm talking Pansexuality [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pansexuality], Demisexual [https://www.dictionary.com/e/gender-sexuality/demisexual/], Sapiosexual [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/sapiosexual], Asexuality [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality].

...you have introduced me to the term demisexual, which I had not heard before but I think fits me quite well. All my past partners had been friends before being girlfriends, I just never found anyone I didn't already know and understand to be sexual in any way. Strangers were...just meat, in a way. So I'm either demisexual or a sociopath I guess XD

 

[McElroy]

I am good-looking (on top of being smart, funny, and sporty). I used to be fat but I've lost weight. Women are one of the reasons I went to University again. Doesn't seem to matter, though. Still no gf and still lonely.

I reject male fashion in part because it's money wasted on clothes that I don't want to wear -- I get around by bicycle -- and also because my sweat pushes through deodorant in about six hours. Maybe I need to find some powerful one that'd do its job better.

-When it comes to yourself, are you assured of your sexual appeal to others? How much of your Sexual Appeal do you feel factors in on how people treat you?

Confidence matters much more, which I lack. People seem to get upset at the slightest things.

-Does it factor in a little, a moderate amount, or to a high degree in your day to day life in terms of how you comport yourself during the day? i.e. Do you spend a good day getting ready to put your best self forward? Or do you think it's a useless waste of time and you merely go for hygiene above appearance? Do you ever use Sex Appeal to your advantage or are you a flirty person?

I don't want to be a hypocrite, and thus in order for me to allow myself to criticize others' looks, I do take effort in looking passable. And I don't criticize clothing for the same reason. I'm trying to be more flirty, at appropriate times of course.

I'm so damn envious of people with friends and partners (sometimes possibly jealous too). I just wish to belong :^) Maybe I would be less judgmental too.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

I am hesitant to respond to this, because I feel it makes me sound arrogant or conceited or something but in reality it was just my personal experience.

I am pretty confident in my sexual appeal, men and women for that matter have made it pretty clear I am attractive. Having females telling me they wish they had my looks and when I go out I have been hit on literally hundreds of times in one night by men. I have never really been without a relationship, as soon as I have ever broken up with a guy I have a few tell me immediately they had wanted to go out with me for a while. I know some people think this should be a great thing, but not always a great thing when you find out that some who you thought were genuine friends just want to sleep with you so it is difficult to know who is your actual friend and who is just horny. It has also interfered with female friendships, I had a girl who I thought was my friend cut up my bikini with scissors while I was in the shower, others who did not want me around their boyfriends or husbands, and others who make assumptions about you based on appearance. It is also difficult in a professional environment to have people take you seriously and not just focus on appearance. I do think it factors greatly in how others treat me on a daily basis. I get hit on checking mail or going to the market and do not think that would happen if it were not for my appearance.

I spend less time than most getting ready. I am one of those who "fell out of bed this way" and yes, that caused much further resentment among female friends due that. I do not even grow body hair so don't even have those problems most others have. I don't like to wear much makeup most of the time outside of lip gloss and some glitter and usually only wear most makeup for special occasions or going out to dinner, clubbing or something. I have been told by multiple men I am even sexier when I wake up the next day when my hair is messed up so I don't think I have to do much appearance wise to have sex appeal. It gets worse, and no I am not saying this like "oh my shat doesn't stink" but I have been told my actual body odor smells good, rather than bad. I wear deodorant and perfume sometimes because I like specific fragrances, but have been told I didn't need it or I shouldn't by both males and females due to my natural scent apparently not smelling bad. Most time consuming is brushing my hair. I have very long hair and it takes some time to shampoo, condition, dry and brush my hair due to how long it is. It can be irritating sometimes when it gets caught in doors and such due to it's length when I have it down.

Of course I have used sex appeal to my advantage. I have gotten out of traffic tickets, never paid a cover charge or for drinks when clubbing, get called up on stage and get free stuff all the time and never ask for anything. People are always trying to send me gifts or buy me something without me even being aware of it in advance. I definitely have used sex appeal and honestly I don't have to do anything, just look at them and people respond. I can talk with my eyes without saying a word tbh.

I have an extremely high sex drive and one of the reasons I have never stayed single for more than a couple of days is likely due to my high sex drive. I prefer having sex multiple times a day and become "antsy" and uncomfortable if I do not. At the same time, however, I do not do " short term flings" and have been more of a "serial monogamous", with long term relationships. My high sex drive is not to the point that it interferes with work or gets in the way and has never lead to cheating, but has been a deal breaker on previous relation ships where I felt unsatisfied with an incompatible sex drive or size of my partner. While I find both males and females attractive, I am only sexually gratified by an adequate male package that is not too big or small, so it may seem to be insignificant or shallow to some, but to me it is important to address my own body's desires rather than attempt to suppress them. No one has actually ever broken up with me, but I also think that may be because I am pretty picky on who I date in the first place. Luckily though I have not had trouble finding a man that can adequately take care of me and keep me "calm".

 

[The Rogue Wolf]

Sorry, but this thread would only apply to me if the title were "Sex Appeal and NOT You". But at least being a natural emetic has ensured that the (very) few who do approach me are more interested in my mind.

 

[ObsidianJones_v1legacy]

Hmm, I should answer my own questions, huh?

-When it comes to yourself, are you assured of your sexual appeal to others? How much of your Sexual Appeal do you feel factors in on how people treat you?

I honestly don't believe I have any sexual appeal other than the mythical Black Guy Sexual Prowess.

I mean that. People hear myths, and they get curious. And even then, that doesn't even come up that often. People just treat me friendly, so I think of myself as friendly.

But I don't think I'm ugly any more. I think I'm decent. And I can't tell you how much that brings a smile to my face. I never thought I'd get to this place. It is amazing not to hate.

And I don't think Sexual Appeal about me in general affects how people treat me. But then again, the Myth is always there.

-Does it factor in a little, a moderate amount, or to a high degree in your day to day life in terms of how you comport yourself during the day? i.e. Do you spend a good day getting ready to put your best self forward? Or do you think it's a useless waste of time and you merely go for hygiene above appearance? Do you ever use Sex Appeal to your advantage or are you a flirty person?

Not looking 'typically' black, or even being considered Mixed has helped me tremendously in a few ways. Insultingly in others. Not looking like a stereotypical gangbanger has lessened some of the impact of being a black male. Since I moved up here, I get asked if my mom or dad was white and that they did a good job in raising me to avoid all the pit falls.

Both of my parents are black. I'm just light skinned.

I don't know how many people know this, but there is a decent amount of animosity between some stereotypical ghetto black people and light skinned and clean cut looking black people. We're considered to sell out from the jump off. It's not all the time, and it's much akin to how an Urbane white person might look down at a redneck, but it's there.

Even though I have a Resting Angry Face, I code switch outside and look smiley and what not. Also to dial down the threat level. I find more people are prone to talk to me for some reason. I guess I just look nice.

I dress well for work. I deal with customers a lot so I have to look presentable. But if I'm just going out, I'm slapping on a t-shirt and jeans if I can get away with it. I don't think anyone is paying attention to me in terms of 'adult time', and I'm normally going out just to get things I need for the house. So that isn't a concern.

-Do you operate on a certain Sexual Level other than Heterosexual, Homosexual, or Bisexual? I'm talking Pansexuality, Demisexual, Sapiosexual, Asexuality.

Boring Straight Guy.

Sounds like you were one step away from an Incel.

But it was kindness like the type you just displayed that brought me from the brink.

Nearing 30 and steady for 6 years with my girl, I've lost pretty much every possible insecurity surrounding my physical appearence. I've attracted more women while in a relationship that outside one, which probably has to do less with my looks and more with the confidence that comes from not caring about it. Despair looks horrible. I guess there's a baseline of going to the gym and keeping up the hygiene but I'm not (consciously) trying to achieve anything other than feeling good about myself.

Spoiler: Also she's gorgeous and could totally do better.

I know this isn't you, but it brought up an aspect that I didn't consider. Actual pics. I don't suggest it for everyone, and completely suggest those who don't want to ignore this idea, but I'm now in a place where the idea of sharing my pictures didn't fill me with such dread as it once did.

This is me. I am getting confident. Yays all around.

Spoiler: I like hats

I'm heterosexual but biromantic... where does that figure, I wonder...(?)

Biromantic is new to me, but I find the idea assassinating. Is it that you can flirt and feel romantic attachment to a man as well as a woman, but you'd only want physical with a woman?

...you have introduced me to the term demisexual, which I had not heard before but I think fits me quite well. All my past partners had been friends before being girlfriends, I just never found anyone I didn't already know and understand to be sexual in any way. Strangers were...just meat, in a way. So I'm either demisexual or a sociopath I guess XD

Thank you for this absolute gift. It always makes me feel good when conversations like this brings about deeper understanding in people's lives. I think we all can appreciate the magnitude of just having a name for an emotion or mindset that we've always had.

And hey, "Demisexual Sociopath" sounds like a great name for a Band. So either way, you're golden

I am hesitant to respond to this, because I feel it makes me sound arrogant or conceited or something but in reality it was just my personal experience...

While I'm glad of how you see yourself, it does bother me that society makes one hesitant to name their gifts. I remember as a kid, hiding the fact that I was smarter than average because I would be made fun of, called 'white' or whatever for just not being dumb. It made me not want to speak so I could just get along.

Even now, I changed to "Smarter than average" when I originally typed "A bit smart". I've always tried to reduce myself instead of embracing whatever I had, because I didn't want to stand out or sound stuck up.

As you know, you're just reporting on your truths. What happened in your life. I'm glad you shared with us. Thank you.

And thank you all for sharing your thoughts. I hope seeing that we're all going through our own journeys helps in anyway possible. It helped me when I was a kid to know that I wasn't alone in struggling with my feelings.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Put me down as being totally irresistible, but not able to notice people paying attention to me...yeah, that's totally why I've not noticed people paying attention to me. Really. (Odd sort of ugly duckling fantasy there?)

But, what really grinds my gears is the expectation that I'm supposed to be attractive and/or trying to attract people and that I'm failing as an adult by not bothering. And people who say totally useful things like "you'll find someone" and I'm not allowed to swear at them.

 

[McElroy]

But, what really grinds my gears is the expectation that I'm supposed to be attractive and/or trying to attract people and that I'm failing as an adult by not bothering. And people who say totally useful things like "you'll find someone" and I'm not allowed to swear at them.

Well, what is the alternative? Hedonistically enjoying life until you die is not exactly a great success either.

 

[Gordon_4_v1legacy]

But, what really grinds my gears is the expectation that I'm supposed to be attractive and/or trying to attract people and that I'm failing as an adult by not bothering. And people who say totally useful things like "you'll find someone" and I'm not allowed to swear at them.

Well, what is the alternative? Hedonistically enjoying life until you die is not exactly a great success either.

Well it can be an indicator of some material success. Living the lifestyle of a hedonist is very expensive. I mean Cocaine and VD med aren't cheap