Share your funny stories

[ohya]

Here you can share funny stories that you have. It can be made up right on the spot, or it can be based on a real story....I'll leave that up to you.

Well, I'll start -

There's a love story I heard about from two of my good friends George and Anthony. We'd hang out with each other quite a bit and at some point Ive got the chance to hear this amazing story from them. They told me the whole story while we were camping at night and were all sitting in a small circle in front of a warm campfire. Now that I know the full story, I'd like to share it with you.

It started when George and Anthony were only 16 years old. They studied at the same high school in the same classroom, and were desperately looking for a gf for themselves. They realized it would be better if they focus on finding one girlfriend for both of them instead of 2 girlfriends for each one of them, because they felt it would be better to share the treasure. After they agreed on that, they started their massive search for their true love. First, they started with their fellow classmate Ashley. You see, Ashley was also quite lonely herself and needed a real man to be able to do love with, or in this case, two men. She had no idea who that will be, but then George and Anthony came up to her and asked her out. She gladly agreed of course because she was just a little teenage girl who couldn't do shit and saying no made her realize that it would break their little hearts. After that, they went outside and walked around the mall trying to find something interesting to do. They entered a clothes store and asked Ashley to try out some new clothes that they were planning to buy for her as a gift. But what they didn't know is how obese Ashley is beneath these cute pink little clothes of her's. So she took a large sweater to try out and undressed herself. George and Anthony walked in and immediately got creeped out by Ashley's belly, "Holy FUCK", they screamed, "Why didnt you tell us you are so fat?". Ashley couldn't believe what they said. She got so offended that they ran away while still being shirtless from taking off her shirt. She didn't get a chance to put the clothes on and got panicked from their response. She ran outside the clothes store, right out of the mall and to the cold lonely streets, when a group of police officers stopped her and arrested her for "illegal public nudity". Anthony and George spoke to the policemen, "Guys, hold on. There must be some mistake....She only took off her clothes because she was going to put on something in the clothes store that we were going to buy for her as gift!", said anthony and george in a loud, sarcastic voice. The policemen then said, "Sorry guys, we're afraid this will be the last time you will get to see that little Ashley of yours, although an elephant would have been a more accurate term for her...". Anthony and George gave up. They knew it wouldn't be worth it, especially because they wanted kids and if they had to marry that woman, they would come out just as obese as her, or even worse. "Whatever", they said in a lazy, exhausted voice, and went back to their homes and straight into their beds. The next morning, they met again at school. The class was about to begin, but then they stopped the teacher, "UH, excuse us, we have to go do something important real quick...", said Anthony and George. The teacher allowed them to leave the classroom, but said, "Be back fast or I'll make you regret the day you were born, you two.". They got really creeped out and ran out of the classroom, straight to the police station and attempted to rescue Ashley, who was arrested last night for running outside naked. "Guys, listen please! It was a mistake, please release Ashley!". They realized there is nothing sexier than a large belly like Ashley had and they knew that an obese 16 year old woman like her would be the ideal match for both of them. After the police declined their request to release her, they admitted their failure to each other to fulfill their mission. They gave up because they knew Ashley would probably never be released from prison. Since then, no one has ever heard from them, and they never showed up at school again. Who knows what they decided to do next? Perhaps one day we will find out.

 

[Rabbitboy]

I was on the Internets on day minding my own business when I came across a huge wall of text. Whoever wrote it forgot to use the enter key a few times and as a result it was very hard to read.

That was my story.

 

[Barbas]

I was supposed to be cutting up hedges today, but somebody had to go to a hospital appointment, so we couldn't do it. Instead, I'm sitting here, barely sober, reading something that almost could have been cooked up by Jim Sterling himself.

I also got the coffee, honey and milk out of the fridge earlier, had a moment of insanity and put a spoonful of coffee grounds into the honey jar by accident, then put the coffee jar into the fridge.

 

[ohya]

Hi again guys, sorry for the unexpected bump. I just have another amazing story to share with you. It truly comes from deep within my heart, and I hope you will read and enjoy it.

It could start off where my ex-girlfriend Stacy started going to the same college that I was in. When we first met, our eyes locked for a straight 20 seconds. I couldn't believe my eyes, literally. From that moment onwards, there was not even a single day in our lives where we didn't talk or seen each other.

One thing we really enjoyed doing together is study mathematics. Especially one thing - counting the number of kisses and hugs we'd had each day. She was really good at it - she even wrote down every time her lips touched my delicate body. As for hugs, it was a first come first serve kind of thing. So when we went to class one morning, I remember it clearly, she showed it to the professor and he was truly amazed. His name was Erik. Well, Erik truly appreciated her amazing math skills, and I recall in every exam, or test, that we had - She'd get an A+ every time. Shit guys, can't get enough of her wisdom. So yeah, our studies went really good. Well, in the other professions we were studying, for example, Geology and Architecture - she knew well how to find me. Well, geologically we were supposed to be studying things like nature and how thins grow and stuff, but instead she was quite the naughty kind - she wanted to study me instead! She only cared about what I eat, what hobbies I have, how I swim, how I laugh, how I cry - hell, even what I dream about at night! Obviously, what else could I have dreamed about than her? She is the main focus in my dreams. I dream about a house, kids, and a double sized bed just for the two of us. I knew that we were going to be living together and doing things together, and we were really happy about the future that we were going to build together.

But, now - you're probably asking, "but you said she was your ex-girlfriend!!" - Yes, I know I know. After we finished college, things started to get really intense between us. She'd started complaining that I don't love her enough, or, broadly - that she isn't getting enough hugs and kisses from me. I told her "honey, why are you complaining? You know where to find me whenever you want hugs and kisses". But it seemed like it wasn't enough for her, she wanted me all for her, ALL the time! She even asked the campus manager at the time to move me to her own room. She kicked her two roommates just to make space for me and her! But I unfortunately had to say no, because I couldn't handle all this love with her together. I just felt like it was too much - and then, without saying anything further. she DUMPED me.

Since that day I barely sleep at night, guys - I can't stop thinking about her and about the mistake of not moving to her campus room at the time. I didnt show enough love, she was right, I was wrong.

 

[TheRiddler]

Y'know, OP, this sounds like it might belong in the Advice Forum.

Oh, I've got a funny one. [footnote]Obviously, none of this is true. I'm just a sucker for terrible puns.[/footnote] I have two best friends, Tina and Archibald. And last night, they invited me to a soup place, one that specialized in artisan breads. I was hunkered down studying, so I refused, saying:

"Dunk rye for me, Arch and Tina."

 

[RedDeadFred]

In one of my practicums, one of my students was complaining about the weight of her saxophone. She complained to me that it weighed more than her grandmother. I told her that there's no way that was true. She then informed that her grandmother had been cremated was just ashes so her saxophone DID in fact weigh more than her. I didn't laugh immediately, but chuckled about it at home later.

I can have a rather morbid sense of humor.

 

[Barbas]

At lunch today, we were eating at a seafood restaurant. Somebody was having langoustines and the waiter brought over a bowl of warm water and a lemon slice, for them to wash their hands in. They mistakenly thought it was some sort of delicious soup and by the time the waiter came back with the langoustines, the bowl had been drained.

Odd looks abounded.