Small Incerpt of My Writing. (Any Advice?)

[Josh Kurber]

Alright, well, I have been writing for a few years now, and just started a new story that involves people that can control elemental powers. I know, nothing special, but if any of you have any advice you could give to me for my writing, I would gladly accept.

P.S.
Posting this for advice and fun, so go ahead and speak your minds.


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I woke with a start, a crack of lightning came from outside of this little adobe of mine; one of the hundreds in this damned city. I sat up and pulled on my boxers before turning to the whore in my bed. I can't even remember her name, hell, I don't remember any of the whores' names. I grabbed a black T-shirt from the ground and draped it over my head, reaching next for my jeans, dark and torn down the shins. I slipped my fighting gloves on, which were only fingerless gloves with connecting chains on the back. I clenched my hands to stretch them slightly and walked to the large bow window.

Storm clouds were gathering above the city once again, meaning my time to leave was coming. I slipped on socks and my black sneakers, brand new and freshly stolen from the run-down store on Fifth Street. The thunder rumbled more as rain began pelting against the windows. Bolts of lightning struck across the sky, illuminating sections of this tattered city. I watched a bolt of lightning strike a nearby building, and at the same time a bullet grazed my right arm.

A sniper. In the building where the lightning struck; Bastard. I ducked behind my couch and could hear the faint sound of him reloading and cocking the gun; I loved my great hearing at times like these. I heard another crack of thunder and I dove to the doorway as another flash of lightning lit the sky. I grabbed my sleeveless black long coat, the one that just barely touched the ground and had lightning bolts down the back, and threw it on, then I reached into the closet and pulled over my father's sword, wrapping it over my shoulder. I moved out the back of the house, where the sniper shouldn't have too good of a look at me.

Sneaking around the building I had the feeling he could see me again, so I dropped to a crouch and walked slowly toward the surrounding fence. I came to a break in the gate, and I had to wait for the right moment to get through it. *FLASH.* I dashed through the gate as quick as could be and made it into the alley not too far. If he had seen me, he didn't shoot.

I weaved my way through the buildings until I got to the skyscraper where the sniper was hiding. He knew I was coming for him, so I had to make sure I didn't do anything to alert him to my presence. CLANG.

"Shit!" I dove behind a pillar. How could I have been so clumsy as to knock over a stupid lead pipe! Wait . . . I came out of hiding and picked up the pipe. Gripping it tightly, I surged energy through it and watched as the weapon came to life with mini bolts of lightning dancing across the surface. Hell yeah. I smirked and continued towards the stairs. He's on the top floor, he's gotta be. In every story and movie they are always on the top floor.

I started climbing up the stairs and stopped. Why the hell am I walking up the stairs when there is an elevator nearby? I slapped my forehead and got into the elevator, pressing the top floor button. Nothing happened. "Gah, ****!" I punched the wall and zapped the machine with my index finger, kick starting the elevator into life. It jolted, then moved slowly to the top floor. Too slowly; my foot was tapping out a rhythm as my right hand fingers drummed along the shaft of the pipe.

The elevator dinged and I didn't bother to hide. I watched the lightning outside the
large windows flash, and I knew that we were in my element here. I stopped and listened for him . . . there; to the left. I could hear his breathing. It was even and unafraid.

"You know, I can hear your breathing. You aren't too great of a hider, Mr. Sniper." I looked up as he came out of his hiding spot. He didn't have the look of a sniper. He wore goggles on a head covered in shaggy black hair. He wore a short sleeved black shirt over a long sleeved red one with dark jeans and boots. What caught my attention were his eyes. They were weird looking: the irises were dark red and the sclera were pitch black, but yet in a flash I could see them turn into normal dark blue eyes.

"You shouldn't be alive, Blade. It'll only cause more trouble for yourself and others." His eyes bore into me, as if burning into my soul. This guy was making me twitchy.

"The hell did you say to me? Did you just tell me the world would better off with me dead?" I chuckled as I twirled the steel pipe. "Dude, you must really want me to--"

He dove at me with amazing speed, and it took a lot of effort on my part to block his fist with mine. He swung his leg up and caught me in the side of the head, knocking me back a few steps. My surroundings were swimming, his kicks were really powerful. I looked up in time to bring my forearm up, blocking another blow to the head. Now I was getting angry. I gripped his shin tightly and swung him, flinging his body into a nearby pillar. I picked up the steel pipe and sparked it again, charging forward with killing intent.

He spun upward and dark red bolts converged around his right hand, forming a black orb that quickly morphed into a two-handed sword with a black blade. Effortlessly, as if it weighed nothing, he swung the sword upward and sliced the pipe in two, then punched me in the jaw with a left hook. I stumbled back and he glared at me with those freaky-ass eyes.

"What is your problem? Why do you want me dead?" I pulled out my father's sword and zapped it with electricity.

"Because you're an imbalance to this world." His body became engulfed in black flames, something I've never seen before. He couldn't be a flame elemental. He was . . . something different. We clashed swords and were stuck in a lock.

"What kind of elemental are you?" I pushed down on his sword, only to have him kick me in the chest and push me closer to the windows. Lightning struck and it began down pouring.

"I am no elemental. I am something far worse." He smirked at me and shoved me against the window, the glass breaking. He grabbed my collar and spun us around, throwing me into a pillar, breaking clean through it. His strength was immense. I groaned as I struggled to stand up.

"You're really beginning to piss me off." I took a deep breath and glared at him. I could feel the electricity coursing through my body. I lifted my left hand and shot a large bolt out of my palm. He lifted his sword and it deflected off into the wall on the opposite side of the room. He began charging at me, and I continued firing bolt after bolt. He got up close and I gave him an electrically charged kicked to the forearms, knocking the blade from his hands.

That stunned moment bought me the time I need. I pushed lightning into my fists and began punching him in the stomach, then chest, then face, and different assortments of those kinds. I finally got a good enough kick to his chest that he was forced up against the broken glass. With a crack of my knuckles I sneered at him. "Not so fucking cocky now, are you?" With a shout I took a running dive at him, my fists slamming into his chest and taking both of us out the window.

We tumbled hundreds of feet to the ground, punching and kicking one another. Finally, I planted my feet on his chest and kicked, giving myself a slight boost higher into the air. I inhaled deeply and threw my right arm out. I pushed all of my energy into my right arm, little sparks of electricity arcing over my fingertips and palm. I called forth a bolt of lightning from the sky and it struck my back. I guided the energy through my body and out my right arm. The bolt shot through the sky and struck the man directly in the chest. I could hear his pained scream, agonizing pain showing on his face.

I fucking loved it.

His body smashed into the ground, creating a small crater around him, and I'm sure me landing on his chest didn't help him any. I grabbed him by the collar and pulled his face up. Lightning in his body made him jolt a few times as he stared daggers at me, blood trailing down his eyes, mouth, and ears.

"I warned you, James . . . now the future is yours to endure." I stared at him in shock. He had called me by name, which nobody but my parents knew.

"Tell me what you know! How did you learn my name?" I had to shout over the rain, which began pouring harder.

He only smiled weakly and laughed. "It's too late for that." His eyes glanced over to a building. "I'll see you soon." He closed his eyes and just then a bullet embedded itself in his head. What the hell, I thought to myself. I shot my eyes to where the bullet had come from, and standing there was a man not much older or differently shaped than I. He brushed back the hood of his green camo hoodie and stared at me before turning and walking out of sight.

I looked back down at the body before me, blood covering his figured, and only one thing crossed my mind: What the fuck is going on?

 

[BlumiereBleck]

It's interesting, but too much detail on clothing

 

[Josh Kurber]

It's interesting, but too much detail on clothing

Hahah, yeah. I wrote this a few months ago, and in my reboot of my first ever story I stopped with the clothing details xD. Allll about the fight scenes :3

 

[Dags90]

Sounds more like the word for word write down of personal fantasy rather than something to be read by an audience. It's pretty hard to get through, it reads like bad fan fiction. There isn't enough room for interpretation or imagination, you're too specific in describing both the characters and what they're doing. You're also too non specific in describing why they're doing it, though that's presumably in other sections of the work.

I also think you mean "abode" and not "adobe" although for all I know this occurs in the Mojave. My mistake if that's the case.

 

[SimuLord]

First thought is that Edward Bulwer-Lytton would LOVE that unparseable mess of an opening sentence you've written. I literally stopped reading there, invoking the "Dark and Stormy Night" theory of literature, namely that there ain't a chance in hell that something with a lousy opening is going to be any good.

 

[Talshere]

I have never like stories from the "I" perspective. I always find them far more difficult to get into, almost like it prevents suspension of disbelief or something. I cant pin down what but, at worst I put these books down after 3 pages. If the story itself is good and compiling I can solider through to the end. But Id never knowing by a second book in the series unless either the writing style had changed or the story was THAT compelling. Which thus far, has never happened.

 

[ioxles]

Your not doing it right
You're not doing it right.

Damn I always do that.

Spoiler

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents ? except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

 

[SimuLord]

Your not doing it right
You're not doing it right.

Damn I always do that.

Spoiler

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents ? except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

Exactly what I was talking about. Thanks, ioxles! Your username reminds me of "isosceles", as in triangles.

 

[dorkette1990]

It's interesting, but too much detail on clothing

Hahah, yeah. I wrote this a few months ago, and in my reboot of my first ever story I stopped with the clothing details xD. Allll about the fight scenes :3

Actually, I disagree - I like the detail, but instead of "I grabbed my sleeveless black long coat, the one that just barely touched the ground and had lightning bolts down the back, and threw it on", maybe something more like "I grabbed my sleeveless black coat, letting the hem brush the ground as the embroidered lightening bolts blazed down my back." It just sounds less like the narrator is talking to someone about "than one coat" they own, and instead gives an image of the coat on the character.

"I could feel the electricity coursing through my body. I lifted my left hand and shot a large bolt out of my palm" - also, in sentences like these, try word variation. We always hear about electricity coursing... what if instead, "I could feel the electricity dancing through my body, lighting up my nerves and sparking my adrenaline". Same with the second sentence - what if instead of a large bolt - "I lifted my left hand and an immense bolt arched out of my palm." In my opinion, using different words adds something, like the difference between a "glistening tear rolling down his cheek" and a "glimmering tear rolling down his cheek." Similar words - synonyms even - but very different image.

Sorry about the long critique. Not awful, though.

 

[Romidude]

It's pretty good and you should pursue it, but just don't take the first person perspective for writing, but I suppose that was the only path to take for this particular one.

 

[Commissar Sae]

I have never like stories from the "I" perspective. I always find them far more difficult to get into, almost like it prevents suspension of disbelief or something. I cant pin down what but, at worst I put these books down after 3 pages. If the story itself is good and compiling I can solider through to the end. But Id never knowing by a second book in the series unless either the writing style had changed or the story was THAT compelling. Which thus far, has never happened.

First person can be incredibly effective in some stories, as it adds the aspect of a personal retelling to the tale. The Dresden files and a number of stories by HP Lovecraft do first person well. That said unless you can really draw the reader in it can be painful to read.

OT: I feel you're trying to make the character too 'Badass', he's strong, but he's not all that likeable in this incarnation. An opening scene should also do more to introduce the characters and their motivations rather than be an action set. Like I said, because we know so little about the character, we don't really care what happens to him. He comes off as a bit of a dick so for all i know he's the villain of the piece and the sniper was out there to do justice. On the whole though not too bad, needs some work but its a good start.

 

[Talshere]

I have never like stories from the "I" perspective. I always find them far more difficult to get into, almost like it prevents suspension of disbelief or something. I cant pin down what but, at worst I put these books down after 3 pages. If the story itself is good and compiling I can solider through to the end. But Id never knowing by a second book in the series unless either the writing style had changed or the story was THAT compelling. Which thus far, has never happened.

First person can be incredibly effective in some stories, as it adds the aspect of a personal retelling to the tale. The Dresden files and a number of stories by HP Lovecraft do first person well. That said unless you can really draw the reader in it can be painful to read.

OT: I feel you're trying to make the character too 'Badass', he's strong, but he's not all that likeable in this incarnation. An opening scene should also do more to introduce the characters and their motivations rather than be an action set. Like I said, because we know so little about the character, we don't really care what happens to him. He comes off as a bit of a dick so for all i know he's the villain of the piece and the sniper was out there to do justice. On the whole though not too bad, needs some work but its a good start.

Ah youve just minded me of the book "An Evil Cradling", as an autobiography of Brian Keenan and the 5 odd years he spent as a captive. Very good book, it somewhat disturbing. That works from the first person perspective. But as you say, very few series especially in Fantacy/Sci-Fi pull it off, and its just painful.

 

[viranimus]

Ok.. this is a personal gripe. The old adage "Never bring a sword to a gun fight" Youve got a guy who is being shot at from adjacent buildings, yet hes not sporting a pistol for mid range?

Secondly. And perhaps this is assumption on my part, but it seems like your sniper took his first shot, allowed your prot to exit one building, then enter the snipers building, ride an elevator to the appropriate floor, and as he exits the sniper is just waiting there for him? But he hides? And then gives up his hiding location? To me its very illogical and unrealistic.

As for the action, I feel like it comes off reminiscent of the matrix films. Not the first film, the second two with over the top action that layers like soft serve icecream on top of each other until it avalanches under its own weight. After a while it becomes too much and your like "ok, when will this be over?" Remember, less is more. It is good to write more in first drafts, but expect to refine it in future drafts.

Detail is good. I do think there is too much emphasis on appearance detail. You want detail to be spread around. Details on the environment, Details on facial expressions which will help tell the story better than actions will, Details on thoughts, etc.

Its not bad, not at all. You definitely have something to work with there. But remember this. Very few if any books get published that arent edited and revised. So expect to take what youve got and then chisel at it like a sculptor working with a raw slab of stone. The more work and details you hammer out of it the better the finished product will be.

Kudos for writing. Best of luck to you.

 

[Nigh Invulnerable]

Personally, I dislike authors using the first person style who spend a lot of time describing the main character's attributes, clothing, etc. as it feels like someone's bragging about themselves/their things. A third person narrative can get away with it because it is nice to have details in that sort of writing. It's a weird thing for me to explain, really.

 

[Josh Kurber]

Ok.. this is a personal gripe. The old adage "Never bring a sword to a gun fight" Youve got a guy who is being shot at from adjacent buildings, yet hes not sporting a pistol for mid range?

Secondly. And perhaps this is assumption on my part, but it seems like your sniper took his first shot, allowed your prot to exit one building, then enter the snipers building, ride an elevator to the appropriate floor, and as he exits the sniper is just waiting there for him? But he hides? And then gives up his hiding location? To me its very illogical and unrealistic.

As for the action, I feel like it comes off reminiscent of the matrix films. Not the first film, the second two with over the top action that layers like soft serve icecream on top of each other until it avalanches under its own weight. After a while it becomes too much and your like "ok, when will this be over?" Remember, less is more. It is good to write more in first drafts, but expect to refine it in future drafts.

Detail is good. I do think there is too much emphasis on appearance detail. You want detail to be spread around. Details on the environment, Details on facial expressions which will help tell the story better than actions will, Details on thoughts, etc.

Its not bad, not at all. You definitely have something to work with there. But remember this. Very few if any books get published that arent edited and revised. So expect to take what youve got and then chisel at it like a sculptor working with a raw slab of stone. The more work and details you hammer out of it the better the finished product will be.

Kudos for writing. Best of luck to you.

Yeah, I tend to find stuff like that a few months after writing my stuff. The first story I ever wrote has been revised about twelve times now over the past 3 years. I am never really happy with my work.

Also, Luca (name of the sniper) was never trying to kill Blade. He could have head shot him just as easily instead of grazing his arm. He lured him up there, then tried a sneak attack, stupidly on his part. (I know you guys don't know this, but Luca is the main character of my first story, and I was wanting some odd add into this one. And Luca was never the brightest strategist. Thus why he stupidly hid behind a pillar. He has been majorly revised by now, of course.) And he returns later on in the story. Think of him as some weird time traveler. He knows of what Blade will become and what he will do, and he warns him. And mentions killing him, but would rather see if Blade will change things on his own. He doesn't die from the headshot (has to do with his powers and blah blah blah from first story) and he arrives at the end of the story. Learns Blade never fixed anything. And takes Blade back to the day him and Luca first fought. Blade awakes in his bead (just like in this prologue) and he believes it all just to be a dream, so he forces himself back into sleep. And as he wakes up he sees a shadows standing over him, sees Luca, and then Luca kills him before the destruction Blade wrought can happen.


I know... not very well thought out :\

It seemed so much cooler when I first started.

EDIT: And yeah... I don't know why, but I'm not a fan of guns. Maybe the video games I was brought up on were mostly JRPGs and Zelda games, where swords were aplenty. And I just believe that swords are so much more satisfying a kill then with a gun, since it takes skill to wield a sword properly. Anyone can shoot a gun.

 

[Josh Kurber]

It's interesting, but too much detail on clothing

Hahah, yeah. I wrote this a few months ago, and in my reboot of my first ever story I stopped with the clothing details xD. Allll about the fight scenes :3

Actually, I disagree - I like the detail, but instead of "I grabbed my sleeveless black long coat, the one that just barely touched the ground and had lightning bolts down the back, and threw it on", maybe something more like "I grabbed my sleeveless black coat, letting the hem brush the ground as the embroidered lightening bolts blazed down my back." It just sounds less like the narrator is talking to someone about "than one coat" they own, and instead gives an image of the coat on the character.

"I could feel the electricity coursing through my body. I lifted my left hand and shot a large bolt out of my palm" - also, in sentences like these, try word variation. We always hear about electricity coursing... what if instead, "I could feel the electricity dancing through my body, lighting up my nerves and sparking my adrenaline". Same with the second sentence - what if instead of a large bolt - "I lifted my left hand and an immense bolt arched out of my palm." In my opinion, using different words adds something, like the difference between a "glistening tear rolling down his cheek" and a "glimmering tear rolling down his cheek." Similar words - synonyms even - but very different image.

Sorry about the long critique. Not awful, though.

Thank you greatly for this advice. I will take it to heart for my revise of my first story. That is the kind of advice I need to write better. I guess I still have a ways to go.

 

[Kimarous]

1) What's an "incerpt"? I think you mean an "excerpt".

2) As I tell all writers who post their works on a public forum... that's a great way to get your story ripped off or stolen! If you want somebody else to critique your work, find a more secure and trustworthy source than simply "out on the net"!

 

[Valksy]

You know what, write because you find it fun and don't worry about what other people think of what you are doing. It comes off as lacking polish and craft and you get those things with (a) experience and (b) proof reading and line editing. Both of those things are worth spending time on before you seek an audience.

 

[Jimson]

It feels empty, almost like you were just blotting down what ever came to mind, and if this is true, then awesome, now you have a skeleton to work with, but as most writers will tell you, don't even think your done just because your thoughts are on paper. Because, there's only one person those will make sense to, and that's you. I also feel like there are pacing issues, you have this "picturesque" scene of some defunct smear on the earth with some random whore, and then you have a super awesome ultra mega coolio super hero who is totally bad ass and brooding. There's no character development, and I feel like at times it's a little bit of self insert (what with the whore fucking and what not)

All in all, Work on it, flesh it out, and continue to write, because it's like Valksy said, Polish, and craft come with experience.