So people think I'm gay...

[Link_to_Future]

Hey everyone. How are you tonight? I'm pretty ok, except for one thing...

For the fifth time in my life, someone has told me that I'm gay. Not implied. Not asked. Told me that I'm gay.

And I'm officially tired of it.

For context, I have always considered myself a heterosexual male. I'm a little bit awkward and don't find myself in the arms of a lot of lovers. Part of it is because I put a lot of stock on romance while another part is that I've gotten so jaded about relationships and people in the last few years that I don't particularly care to put myself out there anymore.

So I don't approach a lot of women in bars or around town. This in combination with my style of dress (geeky but semi-fashionable) has led most of my acquaintances to just assume that I swing for the same gender.

People have always accused me of being gay. Always. In high school, I did a lot of arts/music related activities and was very driven to succeed in these areas. This came with a certain degree of criticism (mostly homophobic language and accusations) that I simply dealt with. I became jaded and cynical but I survived.

But things have changed. I'm a different person than I was back then. My hobbies no longer include the more "effeminate" activities that I used to enjoy. I just live my life the way that I wish to.

Last year, I had an acquaintance ask me in a bar if I was gay. He looked me in the eyes and swore that he wouldn't judge me if I told him the truth. I stared at him, partially confused by the liquor in my system and partially stunned by the question. I told him I was straight and wrote it off as an isolated incident.

Less than a month later, I was enjoying a drink with my boss at the time when he mentioned how much effort he put into keeping a diverse work environment. When pressed, he pointed at me and told everyone in the room how ok he was with gay people.

But...but I'm not gay...

After this very public reveal of how people viewed me, I had to seriously think about a lot of things. Was the way I presented myself too effeminate for the industry I work? Has my lack of involvement in women the last couple of years been so wrong?

Am I actually gay?

I wrested questions like these for months until I finally spoke with a good friend about these new-found insecurities. The first question that she asked me was if I had ever been attracted to another man. I told her I hadn't. The second question was if the thoughts rolling in my head had originated from myself or if it had been because everyone just made assumptions.

I told her the latter. I had never even considered a same-gendered attraction before people had started telling me that was what I should prefer. I moved on from there, just taking the good intentioned attempts to "get me out of the closet" in stride.

Things quieted down for almost a year. Tonight, it started again when a new friend told me how awesome it was to have my gay perspective on the situations in her life.

I'm tired of it. I don't identify as gay but everyone else seems to think that I am. I just wish that I knew how to definitively tell everyone that I don't roll that way.

So Escapist, help me out here. Have you guys ever had someone question your sexuality? Or perhaps insist you come out of the closet when you never hid there in the first place? How did you or would you deal with it? I really want to see all perspectives of this. I'm tired of feeling like I have no one to talk to about this unfortunate chronic case of misplaced assumptions.

 

[Reiper]

Sure, I had people think I was gay when I was in grade school through high school.

It all started because I was pretty scrawny and had a high pitched voice, and one of the popular douches asked me if I liked girls. Of course, this was at the age where I was still confused about sexuality in general, so the idea of being attracted to anything scared me. So I lied and said no, not sure why, but I maintained that I did not because to me, sexuality always seemed like a dirty scary thing.

Of course this didn't go away for a while, but once I got to college I was no longer exposed to the masses of people from my student body who all thought I was gay.

In any event, if you think you are giving off a "gay" vibe, it could be due to a number of things ie. mannerisms, body type, how you speak. Some of these can be changed, some of them cannot. Mannerisms are probably the biggest one that can project the appearance of being gay, but those can be changed. Be conscientious of your gestures while speaking, especially with your hands.

Of course I am by no means any kind of expert, but that is just my take on it.

 

[Caiphus]

Sleep with your boss' wife. That'll learn him.

Sorry that this keeps happening to you OP. If it's enough of a problem that you actually had to reconsider your own sexuality, almost at the command of other people, then that's pretty bad.

I've been asked if I'm gay before, both at work and by friends. Although never actually told experienced someone telling me that I'm gay. So I dunno how I'd react to that. I'm pretty much a perfect 0 on the Kinsey scale, always have been, and have had a long term girlfriend for around 2 years now, so that would probably help with the whole security thing.

So I don't really have any advice. I suppose just do whatever makes you feel comfortable and give people that assume that you are gay a firm, polite, response to the contrary. As tough as that might be.

Yeeeah.

 

[lechat]

i suggest you use your hetero-gay super powers for evil and exploit it to see your female (pro gay) friend's boobies while subtly suggesting you might be bi-curious (or is that straight-curious?)
failing that you could grow a wicked beard and get a job as a lumber jack while punching shit and not crying while watching old yeller.... seems to work for me anyway.

 

[Link_to_Future]

I'm going to go out on a limb and say it may be because of your appearance. People always judge of looks.

So your post was the sort of feedback I was looking for. Allow me to clarify.

When I say fashionable, I don't mean that I spend a lot of time on how I dress. I simply throw together tee shirts and jeans that I know are not sloppy. I usually wear band shirts or something that reflects my gaming hobby. Casual is almost always the name of the game and when there is a special occasion I might actually pull out a shirt with a collar. My glasses are dark rimmed and my hair is completely unkempt outside of the four trips I make to the barber per year.

If that is enough to make me appear gay to the majority of people, then I guess I just need to get used to it. It's minimal effort.

I think if I lived in a city and worked a job that was more suited to my "type", these questions wouldn't even pertain to anything. I would just live my 'hipster' life the way I wanted. But the fact that I wear my nerdy tendencies on my sleeves in an industry that is driven by a more masculine drive (mining), I may have set myself up for my current difficulties.

So, should I just wear TapouT shirts and DC shoes? Do I need to pretend that I'm a man's man when I don't really care for any of that crap? Do I need to tell the world that I'm an alpha male even when I'm just an awkward introvert?

If people judge me solely based on how I look, then whatever. That's fine. But when they spend the better part of an hour trying to covertly get me to admit that I love the idea of having relations with people in the bar that I'm not oriented towards, then I have a serious problem. If that's based on my mannerisms or my clothes, then fine. I'm not planning on changing who I am based on what it looks like.

For the record, I correct people whenever they tell me I'm gay. They assume I'm still in the closet and they feel the obligation to make me feel 'safe' and give me an opportunity to 'express myself'. If it's an issue of appearance, then maybe it's just better if I don't appear...

 

[Shia-Neko-Chan]

Wow, that sounds like it would be really annoying.

I don't know what to tell you. Like, I'm pretty sure some people, from an outsider's perspective, think I'm gay too, but once they really get to know me, they can't think of me like that. Thankfully, I naturally speak in a masculine way and am very open about just how much I love the female body, despite my outer appearance. That doesn't help me on the internet, though. I'm in a happy mood all the time and use emoticons a lot, so people always assume I'm a girl. It doesn't really bother me that much, though, because I won't change myself.

If your friends are doing it or people are annoying you by constantly trying to get you to "come out" though, I recommend a reverse coming out. Come out as a straight person.

You'll have to tell them sternly that you are not gay and that you do not appreciate them thinking of you like that despite you telling them you are not. If they refuse to believe you, you'll have to tell them how you really feel about it. Open up, tell them how tired of the whole situation you are. Tell them that you don't appreciate being thought of as gay just because you're not afraid to be yourself. Tell them that it isn't a joke and that being straight doesn't mean being super masculine or acting or looking a certain way and vice versa. Tell them that people are more varied than they give them credit and people, whatever their orientation, come in all shapes and sizes and that they can have any array of interests.

I think that's how I would deal with it. If they still keep going on about it, then you'll have to tell them that you're finished with the conversation because they're not listening to you.

Um... When it comes to people who don't know you view you and their quick first impression of you, I don't really know what to tell you. I think while America is generally supportive of gay people now, they still have some misconceptions about the whole thing. They seem to think gay people automatically act or look a certain way or have certain interests. That's probably thanks to American entertainment and its portrayal of gay people and straight people in comparison (which is really really bad right now), but I guess when it comes down to it, you'll have to look at yourself deeply and think about what you're willing to change about yourself to give off a different image for the people in our culture. Do you walk a certain way? Do you carry your voice in a certain way or have a certain accent? Do you speak in a masculine enough tone? Do you care enough to change how you dress? Do you have interests that would give off the wrong message?

Sorry if this isn't helpful. I've never cared enough to change how I look or what I'm interested in. You only live once and I'm going to live for me, not someone else.

 

[Kolby Jack]

I've been asked if I was gay once. I just said no and that was the end of it. I've never had a girlfriend, or even been on a date with a girl which raises some eyebrows when it comes up, but I've never had a boyfriend either, so it's not like there's any evidence in that direction. I know what I'm attracted to, though, so the issue has never been in question in my mind. I just don't really have an interest in dating.

 

[Kae]

I've been asked a couple of times and when I was in high school another kid asked me out, though let's be fair when I was in high school I looked like a girl, I don't really mind the question, I think it's a bit funny but it does annoy me when someone keeps asking and asking and asking, eugh, I mean unless they are pursuing a sexual or romantic relationship with me it's really none of their business so I don't see why they should care, it's quite annoying but I won't deny that I act a bit effeminate, not much though because I mostly just do my own thing in silence without bothering anyone.

The most recent one was a taxi driver, he started talking about how great and awesome pussy is in the most disgusting way possible and I just rolled my eyes and looked at the window, he then told me "I knew it from the minute I saw you, you are a total stick up the ass ****** aren't you?" and then I glared at him and went back to looking outside while he blabbered on about dicks and pussies, most annoying cabbie ever, also probably the rudest way to ask if I was gay!
Why can't cabbies just shut the fuck up and take you to wherever you need to go?

 

[Thaluikhain]

Less than a month later, I was enjoying a drink with my boss at the time when he mentioned how much effort he put into keeping a diverse work environment. When pressed, he pointed at me and told everyone in the room how ok he was with gay people.

So, he outed you in front of everyone (excepting that you aren't actually gay)? Really, not cool.

Otherwise, yeah, someone telling you what your sexual orientation is is also not cool.

Often, there's no obvious reason why people think that of you, other then then being insufferably smug and thinking they know you better than you do, which is very tiresome.

 

[Tragedy's Rebellion]

What is wrong with you people? Who cares if some people think you are gay?! Changing anything about yourself just so you don't appear "gay" is completely childish and absurd. How is this even a problem? If it's so important to you just tell them you aren't and that's that.

 

[Thaluikhain]

What is wrong with you people? Who cares if some people think you are gay?! Changing anything about yourself just so you don't appear "gay" is completely childish and absurd. How is this even a problem? If it's so important to you just tell them you aren't and that's that.

While that is true, people telling you what your own sexual orientation is, instead of assuming you'd know yourself, is very annoying.

 

[sweetylnumb]

Hey everyone. How are you tonight? I'm pretty ok, except for one thing...

For the fifth time in my life, someone has told me that I'm gay. Not implied. Not asked. Told me that I'm gay.

And I'm officially tired of it.

For context, I have always considered myself a heterosexual male. I'm a little bit awkward and don't find myself in the arms of a lot of lovers. Part of it is because I put a lot of stock on romance while another part is that I've gotten so jaded about relationships and people in the last few years that I don't particularly care to put myself out there anymore.

So I don't approach a lot of women in bars or around town. This in combination with my style of dress (geeky but semi-fashionable) has led most of my acquaintances to just assume that I swing for the same gender.

People have always accused me of being gay. Always. In high school, I did a lot of arts/music related activities and was very driven to succeed in these areas. This came with a certain degree of criticism (mostly homophobic language and accusations) that I simply dealt with. I became jaded and cynical but I survived.

But things have changed. I'm a different person than I was back then. My hobbies no longer include the more "effeminate" activities that I used to enjoy. I just live my life the way that I wish to.

Last year, I had an acquaintance ask me in a bar if I was gay. He looked me in the eyes and swore that he wouldn't judge me if I told him the truth. I stared at him, partially confused by the liquor in my system and partially stunned by the question. I told him I was straight and wrote it off as an isolated incident.

Less than a month later, I was enjoying a drink with my boss at the time when he mentioned how much effort he put into keeping a diverse work environment. When pressed, he pointed at me and told everyone in the room how ok he was with gay people.

But...but I'm not gay...

After this very public reveal of how people viewed me, I had to seriously think about a lot of things. Was the way I presented myself too effeminate for the industry I work? Has my lack of involvement in women the last couple of years been so wrong?

Am I actually gay?

I wrested questions like these for months until I finally spoke with a good friend about these new-found insecurities. The first question that she asked me was if I had ever been attracted to another man. I told her I hadn't. The second question was if the thoughts rolling in my head had originated from myself or if it had been because everyone just made assumptions.

I told her the latter. I had never even considered a same-gendered attraction before people had started telling me that was what I should prefer. I moved on from there, just taking the good intentioned attempts to "get me out of the closet" in stride.

Things quieted down for almost a year. Tonight, it started again when a new friend told me how awesome it was to have my gay perspective on the situations in her life.

I'm tired of it. I don't identify as gay but everyone else seems to think that I am. I just wish that I knew how to definitively tell everyone that I don't roll that way.

So Escapist, help me out here. Have you guys ever had someone question your sexuality? Or perhaps insist you come out of the closet when you never hid there in the first place? How did you or would you deal with it? I really want to see all perspectives of this. I'm tired of feeling like I have no one to talk to about this unfortunate chronic case of misplaced assumptions.

Who cares? IF hypothetically you did like the D, who gives? No'one with half a brain. Just go with it, maybe you'll find out later you are gay, maybe not, it really makes no difference. At least you can rest easy knowing people wont hate you if it turns out you are gay.

 

[chozo_hybrid]

What is wrong with you people? Who cares if some people think you are gay?! Changing anything about yourself just so you don't appear "gay" is completely childish and absurd. How is this even a problem? If it's so important to you just tell them you aren't and that's that.

If it were me, I would go one step further and probably deck (that's punch the lights out of someone for those not familiar with the term.) someone if they were TELLING me what I am, when I am in fact, not what they say I am.

 

[Phrozenflame500]

Sounds like those guys are assholes.

Ok that was a bit harsh, but seriously, if you aren't attracted to men you aren't gay simple as that. I'm not sure while all your friends care so much about your sexuality. If you want to be a dick about it you can press them as homophobic by assuming all people like that are gay, but otherwise telling people you aren't gay and ignoring is is probably the best you can do (aside from hanging around different people).

 

[Simple Bluff]

I remember my friend asking me if I was gay, because he was seriously concerned that I was. I think it was because I was nearly fifteen at the time and still hadn't yet kissed a girl. It was kinda bewildering.
But that's the only time that happened. In fact I remember a couple of years ago, a girl (studying law) I barely knew at the time informed me that I'm "definitely straight." Lawyers know everything, so I took her word for it.

 

[odolwa99]

While at university, one guy who I met through a friend of mine was absolutely convinced I was gay 'just because I crossed my legs while sitting at a table'!! I mean, if that's all it takes maybe I should just throw my pink feather boa, nipple rings and make-up kit in the trash!! FFS!!