Struggling relationships with parents.

[crazeekamikazee]

Struggling relationships with parents.

There?s the normal things, no common interest, nagging and so on.
But my dad especially agro and loves to lecture me, over and over and over to the point I can no longer have a working relationships. It?s been/becoming this way for about 5+ years. I feel little to no attachment to my parents(haven?t for sometime), or to anyone. Its not that I want it to be like this but it seems to be in a rut and its getting worse as the years pass.
My dad think ranting at me makes him feel better, when it doesn?t; it makes him stew on it and makes him angrier.

I think its putting pressure on my mum and dads relationship, as all dad wants to do is rage she?s kind of stuck in the middle.

In the town I live in there seems to be next to no work, yet my dad is always down my neck about me not working(I am at college). No matter what I do there is always something wrong about me, it ?I never go out? if I do college work and play games ect. Or ?you?re never home? and ?you?re always home late? when I do go out, stuff like that means I can never win.

I guess I?m wondering do I kind of give up on it? Is it me that needs to change? Or other people?

If I don?t give up, what do I do?

I have chosen this forum room because, yahoo answers is rubbish and I like the community this, community tends to be relatively free of trolls.

Thanks

 

[Tibs]

My dad is kinda the same so I can relate a bit. In your situation I would decide to ignore your father. He is being a jerk to you and by no means deserves or is worth your attention.

 

[DefunctTheory]

I used to have the problem with my mother (And to an extent, I still do, though it helps to be 1400 miles away). My solution is probably considered... 'unhealthy,' by most, but it works for everyone as far as I can tell.

Shut up, listen, ignore.

The simple fact is, some parents don't change, and have a hard time seeing you as anything but their kid. And the fact that you live at home and don't work (Which is not an insult or slight against you) doesn't help. And all the complaining, arguing, or denials you can throw up will only sound like a 14 year old complaining about doing his homework before video games.

What I can say is this: It will get better, but only when the situation changes entirely. Look at it their way: You go to school and live at home. Not really a far cry from when you were 16.

As for not caring for you parents (So to speak)... its just a symptom of attrition. Not much you can do about it until you can get the hell out of there.

 

[Hiikuro]

Have you tried the assertive route and just telling him that you're not interested in what he has to say? It tends to be extremely effective if you manage to do it in a calm and careful manner.

I feel little to no attachment to my parents(haven't for sometime), or to anyone.

This part makes me curious, as it reminds me of myself. Do you mean in the way where, even if you know you have friends (and family) that cares for you, you don't manage to feel that yourself?

From what little I know of you and your situation, I have this to say (I will probably make some staggering extrapolations now, so bear with me). I think if you have to change anything about yourself, it is the scars that others have given you. It sounds like your father has a few issues himself. My suggestion is to find a psychologist to talk to if you can, and if your friends can help don't hesitate to ask them, I'm sure they're more than happy to help.

 

[Palindromes]

It is possible that your father is just upset at seeing his son leave him, as you will probably move out of your town to find a job after college as you said yourself that there is no work. All these years leading up to now have just made him think about how much he does care for you. The lectures and nagging are him probably trying to make sure you succeed after your life with them. It may not be the truth but it is a possibility.

As far as not really feeling attatched to anyone; I've feel this sometimes too. I dont really have a good relationship with anyone in my family aside from my brother, who has since moved out. I dont even look like either of my parents or uncle's, aside from one who died before I was born. Thankfully, I have a very good bond with one of my friends, I often find myself spending more time with him then I do with my own family and I can confid things in him that I can with no one else.

Try to remain optimistic about what you have; you're going to college, you'll have a decent career that will get you money so you can live a decent life. Try to get out there and make more connections to people. No matter who you are, or what you beleive, talking about your emotions and concerns with someone is always a proven way to relive yourself of stress and anxiety.

 

[SiskoBlue]

Not sure if anyone else is a parent but I am. My guess is your father is motivated by love, fear and regret. When you get older and finally have world experience you look back on your life and think "If I'd just tried a bit harder at school" or "If I'd joined that sports club, or asked that girl out, or got a job and saved money..." etc. etc. I don't regret my life choices but you really start to see times in your life when a) you had more choice b) you had the free time to lots of things c) knowing that a bit of extra effort would have made huge differences down the line.

Then you have kids and think "I'll make sure it's different for them, they can learn from my mistakes, from my experience". Of course this is bollocks notion. Most people are terrible at giving advice, and there's the important distinction that YOUR CHILD IS NOT YOU. And for all his good and loving intentions and concern about your future it comes out as...

"You should do this, you should do that. You're not doing enough!"

He's projecting his frustrations on to you. Your mother is probably saying to him "Don't worry, they'll be fine!" and is trying to let you live your life but your Dad is worried. And as a parent I can tell you it's really, really, really, hard not to worry about your kids. They go drinking, and driving, and possibly drugs. All fine except it only takes one bad night and the next thing you seeing yourself at their funeral. Or you imagine them bombing out of life. Living of handouts in some crummy apartment and becoming depressed and introverted. These are the things your Dad is afraid of. He picks on you because these fears plague him and he thinks if he just gives you one more lecture, that might be the one that makes the difference in the future.

Of course from your perspective they sound like a cranky old bastard who doesn't think you're good enough. He does think you're good enough. Nearly all parents do. In fact the problem is he can probably see you as some kind of genius/super athlete who could rule the world one day.... and what are you doing? Wasting your potential playing video games and goofing around with your friends? How can you not see your own potential?

And there's you, just living your life, figuring it all out, just like everyone else has to and there's him nagging in your ear the whole time. It's enough to drive you nuts.

So what do you do? Personally I had "the chat" with both my parents when I was 22. I'd finished Uni, but still hadn't found a job. The theme of the conversation was this "Look" I said "You keep rabbiting on to me about what I should do or not do.... What exactly are you afraid is going to happen to me?" My mum's answer equated to the fear that I'll end up in a dead end job. Having a dead end job was fine but her fear was that I'd be completely miserable in that situation and unable to get out of it. My father's was that I'd be living hand to mouth the rest of my life.

So I explained to them, these fears are irrational. It is very, very, very unlikely that I'll get stuck in a dead end job. There may be dead end jobs but I have enough sense and courage to get myself out of it. I flattered them by saying they'd raised me with enough sense that I can make my own decisions and accept the consequences. It wasn't a declaration of "THIS IS MY LIFE, BUTT OUT!!" It was an assurance that for good or ill I HAVE to make my own decisions and choices, I'll make mistakes, but they're my mistakes. And then assure them that I won't be making any huge mistakes, like running drugs to thailand or getting my girlfriend pregnant.

Completely changed my relationship with them. For the better. From that point on they treated me like an adult. They'd still advise me on stuff, "lecture" me occassionally but I always went back to that point "I know you're concerned for me, and I understand why". They just want to make sure they can still warn you, impart some of their experience when they think it might help. Let them, take it under advisement. Then assert you're own choices.

I hope you can get through to your Dad. It really is his problem in a lot of ways, but while you're under your parents roof you're going to have to suck it up a bit. But things will change and so will he talks to you. Just have patience.

Good luck

 

[Nerdygamer89]

Snip

OP: listen to this guy, he knows what he's talking about.

Your dad is concerned for your future. Maybe he is worried that you'll make some of the same mistakes he did, and he's trying desperately to get through to you in the only way he can think of. I'm going to assume that your response to his lectures is either hostility, or "ignore and move on", correct? If that is the case, it can only make things worse. By responding with hostility ("it's my life, you can't tell me what to do!") or by ignoring him ("yeah, yeah. I'll be in my room") you're sending the message that you don't care about his concerns or about what he has to say, which only makes him more desperate to get through to you, which causes him to lecture you more. See the problem?

The best thing you can do is sit down and have a talk with him, see what's bugging him, voice your concerns about his hostility and try to come to some sort of resolution.

 

[tharglet]

What others are saying - he's probably trying to help, in the way he thinks is right. My mum is particularly of the telling off sort, to try and get me to do things.

You can try having a discussion with him - if it works, then great. If not, then you'll have to work out how to emotionally detach yourself a bit from the situations, and get them over, and don't dwell.

If one of your relationships that you're supposed to be close with deteriorate, it does tend to make you feel bad over your other relationships, in my experience.

 

[crazeekamikazee]

Thanks to all of you,I will take what you said in to consideration, thanks for your time and shedding new light.

 

[SilentCom]

Wow sounds sort of familiar... *looks at own family
I've pretty much graduated university and once I do and find a job, I'm moving out and making a life for myself. My relationship with my parents probably isn't quite as bad as the OP but at the same time my parents have made it a quality of theirs to not listen to me at all much less understand. I actually don't really care. So I guess it depends if you want to be close with your family or not. If you do, try talking with them.