For millions of years, people have enjoyed the harmonious combination of tea & crumpets (fact, proven through factual means of fact finding).
But how did we come to be blessed with such a gift?
Ebony & ivory have got nothing on these two
We begin at the beginning (as was the custom at the time), the Great British Food God in the sky basked in the perfection of his previous creation, the meal of kings, fish & chips. His people were happy, but something began to nag at him.
Yes, it was then he realised that man (and lady, of course) could not live on fish & chips alone. As ridiculous as that idea was, the Food God was right, there was a void between meals, where fish & chips were far too filling to be a viable option, lest they ruin the fish & chips consumed later in the day, and such a thing he would have nothing of.
Too much for mortals to handle in successive sittings
The Food God then looked afar for ideas. He noticed the French Food God, forcing his subjects to consume vast quantities of wine and bread.
"Nonsense!" the Great British Food God proclaimed, "My people will not partake in such displays of tomfoolery! Bread indeed, pff, tis only fitting for being torn asunder, with fried potato slithers being nestled snuggly in its innards!"
Trust the French to make giant edible phallic symbols
He then looked towards Germany.
"Bah, bratwurst, an obvious and failed attempt at mimicking the success of my mighty battered sausage!"
"Ridiculous, the bread to sausage ratio is completely wrong!"
The Great British Food God then decided that an idea would not come from the likes of foreigners, so he pondered.
He pondered for a million years (100% factual fact, proven by fact finders of facts), and by this time, his subjects were getting impatient, with no light snack to fill their bellies before dinner time.
Then the idea hit him, like a lighting bolt made from 100% British lightning.
"Crumpets!" He proclaimed, "I have it! I'll call them crumpets!"
And a tatse sensation was born
The Great British Food God still had a problem though. With what to wash the delicious crumpets down? He pondered this idea for another million years (true factual fact of factiness), by this time, his subjects were getting rather thirsty.
The squirrels too
Then, like crash of thunder, thunder made from 100% British cloud collision, the Great British Food God bestowed upon his subjects the gift of tea.
And it was good
And peace was restored. The Great British people were never again left slightly peckish, hours before the suitable consumption time of fish & chips.
Please rise for the tea anthem, with which we are constantly reminded of the importance of tea (The Great British Food God had no time to make a crumpet related song).
But how did we come to be blessed with such a gift?
Ebony & ivory have got nothing on these two
We begin at the beginning (as was the custom at the time), the Great British Food God in the sky basked in the perfection of his previous creation, the meal of kings, fish & chips. His people were happy, but something began to nag at him.
Yes, it was then he realised that man (and lady, of course) could not live on fish & chips alone. As ridiculous as that idea was, the Food God was right, there was a void between meals, where fish & chips were far too filling to be a viable option, lest they ruin the fish & chips consumed later in the day, and such a thing he would have nothing of.
Too much for mortals to handle in successive sittings
The Food God then looked afar for ideas. He noticed the French Food God, forcing his subjects to consume vast quantities of wine and bread.
"Nonsense!" the Great British Food God proclaimed, "My people will not partake in such displays of tomfoolery! Bread indeed, pff, tis only fitting for being torn asunder, with fried potato slithers being nestled snuggly in its innards!"
Trust the French to make giant edible phallic symbols
He then looked towards Germany.
"Bah, bratwurst, an obvious and failed attempt at mimicking the success of my mighty battered sausage!"
"Ridiculous, the bread to sausage ratio is completely wrong!"
The Great British Food God then decided that an idea would not come from the likes of foreigners, so he pondered.
He pondered for a million years (100% factual fact, proven by fact finders of facts), and by this time, his subjects were getting impatient, with no light snack to fill their bellies before dinner time.
Then the idea hit him, like a lighting bolt made from 100% British lightning.
"Crumpets!" He proclaimed, "I have it! I'll call them crumpets!"
And a tatse sensation was born
The Great British Food God still had a problem though. With what to wash the delicious crumpets down? He pondered this idea for another million years (true factual fact of factiness), by this time, his subjects were getting rather thirsty.
The squirrels too
Then, like crash of thunder, thunder made from 100% British cloud collision, the Great British Food God bestowed upon his subjects the gift of tea.
And it was good
And peace was restored. The Great British people were never again left slightly peckish, hours before the suitable consumption time of fish & chips.
Please rise for the tea anthem, with which we are constantly reminded of the importance of tea (The Great British Food God had no time to make a crumpet related song).
