The Friend Zone....................How do you get past it?

[Vash the Stampede']

Hey folks, I could use some help if your willing to listen. (LONG POST)

So in the last couple of months I finally asked out a girl at the university who I'd been longing for around two years. I'd kept in touch with her and we'd talk a fair bit but we never really did any activities together before that first date so I was fairly nervous due to having little experience in the dating scene.

The first date happens with us going to a movie and then dinner afterwards because that sounded like a fine date at the time. I was kind of in the state of mind of "what is she doing here with me" sort of deal because I still couldn't believe I was on a date with her. The date seemed like it went alright but not much more and then I made dumb mistakes afterward due to my inexperience dating.

I later sent her a text wondering what we were going to do next and after not responding for three days she finally says that the date was really nice and I was a really nice guy but I'm just not the right guy for her and that she only saw us as being friends. Disappointed and depressed are only just beginning to describe my feelings right now.

So what do I do? I want to ask her to give me another chance but I'm not sure I should even try. It just feels like if I don't do this I'd be throwing away my one chance at that perfect girl, which I have but I don't want to give up.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Don't try. She's not interested. There will be many more chances, with many more "perfect girls", many of whom will be interested (but some of whom won't). Such is dating.

Cut your losses and move on, soldier.

 

[Spy_Guy]

Pretty much what the above guy says.

I have a friend who has a guy trying to claw his way out of the friend-zone (as it's called), but she's simply not interested, so he's chanceless.

Chances are you were a bit slow on the ball. I personally think two years of silent longing is far too long for any hope of success.

So, move on as soon as possible, for your and her sakes.

 

[Realitycrash]

If you can handle it, keep being friends, and maybe you'll grow on her. It isn't unheard of. Don't push her on the issue now, though.

 

[The Unworthy Gentleman]

So what do I do? I want to ask her to give me another chance but I'm not sure I should even try. It just feels like if I don't do this I'd be throwing away my one chance at that perfect girl, which I have but I don't want to give up.

You've lost this one dude, just accept that and move on from it. She isn't the perfect girl, at best she was slightly more than adequate so you haven't lost out that much. If she was that great then she wouldn't have friend zoned you, friends don't put each other into boxes like that.

There are plenty of fish in the sea for when you run out of women.

 

[Acier]

Well it's impossible to get past something that doesn't exist (harhar /cleverness)

Anyways, as others have said, she's just not into you. But don't fault her, she gave you a fair chance and it just didn't work out. This happens, and keep it in mind if it happens again. There's nothing wrong with you if a girl turns you down and you aren't relegated to some magic "zone".

The whole fz concept just enrages me, and the sooner you can get past it and move on the better your love life will be.

 

[Ziadaine_v1legacy]

With the date-rape pill.
/terriblejoke


Sadly there's not much we can do to get ourselves out of the friend zone, and also it's not always a good thing. My Ex from 3 years ago is a prime Example to use.

We were friends for 10 years, she started having feelings for me towards my 18th, despite previous relationships not working because we were too close of friends earlier on.

in the end, I decided to give it a try and it was a mistake. she wasn't ready for a serious relationship, trust issues because we were friends and in the end it destroyed our 10 year friendship.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

"The Friend Zone" is not real. It is part of a strategy developed by "Players" to attempt to get in a woman's pants. Any time any person (not just female) meets someone that they are attracted to they attempt to get to know that person and determine if they are possessed of traits that they either find attractive or unattractive. At some point the internal score card will reflect either further desire or waning interest. The strategy of the "Player" is to attempt to impress a woman as much as possible and get her in bed before the "score card" can wind up stacked against them placing them in "The Friend Zone".

That is what "The Friend Zone" is all about. The goal of avoiding "The Friend Zone" is to get laid, not to find a woman who is truly interested in you and make sure that she realizes it before she arbitrarily decides that you should just be friends. If a woman is interested in you she is not going to just decide, for some petty reason, to take you out of the running.

It can happen that a person who has decided that they just want to be friends may later change their mind. This usually happens years later after you have both changed some and so your previous "score card" is no longer valid prompting a new appraisal. Note that trying to get her to give you a second chance is probably the single most damaging thing you can do to your chances of getting one (Edit: well, not including things like rape and stalking which I should hope we already know are not viable strategies for finding mates).

 

[Phasmal]

This girl is NOT attracted to you. She doesn't want you to have another chance.
If you continue to persue her in the knowledge of this you are pretty much just sending her the message that you are only interested in what you want and dont actually care about what she wants.

Move on.

So what do I do? I want to ask her to give me another chance but I'm not sure I should even try. It just feels like if I don't do this I'd be throwing away my one chance at that perfect girl, which I have but I don't want to give up.

I'm sure in your mind, your perfect girl would be interested in you. This girl isn't. There will be other `perfect girls`.

 

[jonnosferatu]

So what do I do? I want to ask her to give me another chance but I'm not sure I should even try. It just feels like if I don't do this I'd be throwing away my one chance at that perfect girl, which I have but I don't want to give up.

What do you do?

First off, you read this:
http://heartlessbitches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml

Then, having been had the problems with your current approach explained to you, you stop "longing for" girls, get into social situations, and upon meeting a girl who is interesting to talk to, you simply ask her for her number and then call the next day to ask if she wants to go get coffee.
---
For those who have not studied psychology, fun fact: Continuous exposure to someone's presence without any romantic/sexual undertones suppresses the possibility for romantic or sexual attraction. There is a reason that you do not feel such attraction towards your parents and siblings. A prolonged period of separation involving a number of personal changes can "reset" this, but the effect is real and, presumably, what some people a few decades back determined intuitively and termed "The Friend Zone."

 

[zhoominator]

So what do I do? I want to ask her to give me another chance but I'm not sure I should even try. It just feels like if I don't do this I'd be throwing away my one chance at that perfect girl, which I have but I don't want to give up.

You've lost this one dude, just accept that and move on from it. She isn't the perfect girl, at best she was slightly more than adequate so you haven't lost out that much. If she was that great then she wouldn't have friend zoned you, friends don't put each other into boxes like that.

There are plenty of fish in the sea for when you run out of women.

Wow. Just wow. That's a pretty stinking attitude if you ask me. "Friends don't put each other into boxes like that"? No. Friends don't hand out with people for two years longing for them hoping that they'll eventually want them. That is manipulative and disgusting. I love it how guys blame the women for not being fucking psychic and and for sticking a label on them that they themselves wrote.

 

[The Unworthy Gentleman]

Wow. Just wow. That's a pretty stinking attitude if you ask me. "Friends don't put each other into boxes like that"? No. Friends don't hand out with people for two years longing for them hoping that they'll eventually want them. That is manipulative and disgusting. I love it how guys blame the women for not being fucking psychic and and for sticking a label on them that they themselves wrote.

Well aren't you the sexist. You seem to be under the impression that only guys hang around waiting to tell people they're interested. I don't know where you're getting the idea that I'm blaming her for his failing either, it's entirely his fault that he lost this, that isn't to say that she isn't a bad friend for putting him into a box like she did.

She doesn't have to be interested in him, ever, but she shouldn't have said that he never stands a chance, that's just being a dick about it.

 

[jonnosferatu]

that isn't to say that she isn't a bad friend for putting him into a box like she did.

If she's not attracted to him, she's not attracted to him. Saying she thinks of him as a friend and not a potential romantic partner is hardly putting him in a box.

She doesn't have to be interested in him, ever, but she shouldn't have said that he never stands a chance, that's just being a dick about it.

You'd have a point if not for the total lack of evidence that she ever said that. There's a difference between "I think of you as a friend" and "You will never date me. Ever."

Hell, even if she had said that, if that's her honest assessment of the situation it would probably be a good idea to inform him of that. He's known her for two years - if he didn't already know it would turn out one way or the other, it's possible he'd misinterpret anything short of completely unambiguous rejection and make things awkward.

 

[The Unworthy Gentleman]

Snip.

Look, I'm going to level with you here, I realise that my view is flawed. I don't care though, because it's a rule that I live by. Never cross your friends off as potential partners, tell them you aren't interested but never rule them out. Following this rule, you never say "let's just be friends," or any variation of it.

Yeah, you can do it all you want, the rest of the world doesn't have to follow my rules, as much trouble it may cause not doing so. But when someone tells me that we should "just be friends," I call them a **** and walk it off. You should be friends enough that those words never have to be ushered, all you ever need to say is that you aren't interested.

 

[zhoominator]

Wow. Just wow. That's a pretty stinking attitude if you ask me. "Friends don't put each other into boxes like that"? No. Friends don't hand out with people for two years longing for them hoping that they'll eventually want them. That is manipulative and disgusting. I love it how guys blame the women for not being fucking psychic and and for sticking a label on them that they themselves wrote.

Well aren't you the sexist. You seem to be under the impression that only guys hang around waiting to tell people they're interested. I don't know where you're getting the idea that I'm blaming her for his failing either, it's entirely his fault that he lost this, that isn't to say that she isn't a bad friend for putting him into a box like she did.

She doesn't have to be interested in him, ever, but she shouldn't have said that he never stands a chance, that's just being a dick about it.

I'm not saying they don't, but I've never seen a girl making a thread about this stuff. That doesn't mean that it's never happened, but it's usually the guys who get hateful and bitter when this stuff happens.

And why exactly is it unfair that she "put him in a box"? What do you even mean? That because he's her friend that she owes him the chance to go out with him? Actually, based on your last comment, it does seem that way. Sorry to burst your bubble, but regardless of how long you've known a person, does not mean that they owe you that chance. Friendship is not a bartering system for potential dates, it is this kind of attitude that really cements my dislike of "friend zone".

Hang on, I'm confused. Would you rather the person try to be diplomatic and not lose a relationship they've built on for two years ("I'd rather just be friends"), or to make it painfully clear as to not cause any ambiguity. You can't have it both ways. Even if you do think she's being dishonest with the former, let me ask you: If someone has been dishonest for a long time about their intentions in a relationship, then what level of honesty does the other person truly owe them?

 

[jonnosferatu]

I put it all on the line with this girl twice one time and she was not interested in me. So I cut her out of my life all together. Be friends if you want to, but there will always be a part of you that wants her.

You may want to read the article I linked in my first post.
>.>

Friendship is not a bartering system for potential dates, it is this kind of attitude that really cements my dislike of "friend zone".

What's the issue with "friend zone?"

The concrete, neutral implication (to me, at least) is just that you've missed the "grey area" in which you both either do or could see each other as potential partners.* I don't really see how that relates to the idea of using friendship as an entryway

*My experience has been that most guys who find themselves getting "friend zoned" involuntarily are forcing themselves to want the girl in question in the first place, but artificial desire seems to have the same consequences as the real thing so w/e

 

[jonnosferatu]

Would you explain to me as to why I need to read your article? Did my words not sit right with you.

I didn't say you needed to, but it could be beneficial.

Phrases like "put it all on the line for a girl" set off alarm bells for "nice guy syndrome."

(aka there's no real problem with cutting her out of your life if you have something that constitutes a falling out, but it sounds like the falling out happened because of flaws in how you look at relationships. My life got a lot better after I read said article and changed how I look at relationships, so it's possible you'll get something out of it)

EDIT: "Dealing with" (among other things) was a really bad choice of words there

 

[Phasmal]

I put it all on the line with this girl twice one time and she was not interested in me. So I cut her out of my life all together. Be friends if you want to, but there will always be a part of you that wants her.

You can put yourself `on the line` as much as you like, if she finds you unattractive, thats just tough luck for you. Women are not vending machines, you cant just expect to press the right buttons and get what you want if she was never into you in the first place.