The hardest thing I've ever done

[Chrysocollus]

..."everyone's got the hardest thing they've ever done right around the corner." Ben Folds.

So I've hit that point...I thought I'd pulled through some tough shit before but nothing like this...

There's a guy I love. And I guess this is the shit that love is. Because...well, due to circumstances beyond my control (FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU--), he's decided that our relationship isn't going to go anywhere, and...is out looking for other women.

And it's...awful. Because he still wants to be friends-- and I value this person so much-- I want to be with him so much--I've wanted it to work out for so long now... Talking to him...pretending it's nothing...It hurts so much...And maybe in four years I could be in a position to actually get him...but even so I might not be what he's looking for, whatever that is.

So I'm trying to hold on...for some stupid fucking reason, praying that it'll be worth it...Not praying like, thanks for everything great, God, but praying from the deepest part of my being because there's literally nothing else I can do. Every day I feel it, this wish that it'll be alright, that it'll work out...

But I'm breaking. How can I hold on when it feels like my heart's in barbed wire? Hearing him say..."It wasn't supposed to be a long lasting relationship." And..."I'm going to go meet a girl for coffee tomorrow." What if it works...? What if he finds someone else? Shit, what if he's happy?

It's the worst idea in the world to hang onto him like this. But I guess "I'd do anything for you" is literal.

What do I do? What can I do? Sigh...he's always wanted me to find someone "better" than him. Fucking tragic.

He knows that I love him. He thinks I can handle being his platonic friend. That's definitely at least partially a lie, it's just how much of it is a lie that I don't know.

Help...?

 

[ultrachicken]

Dump him. Find somebody better. There are few things worse than loving somebody who resolutely does not love you back. He will find another woman, because he doesn't have the will to stay in the relationship. Frankly, you can't blackmail that sort of person into sticking with you just because you love him.

I completely agree.

This is not going to get anywhere. Move on, let go. It's not worth tearing yourself apart over someone who has no feelings for you.

 

[SckizoBoy]

This is not going to get anywhere. Move on, let go.

Quite so, I'm in a similar position (though with different reasoning).

OT: The more you stress out about this one guy, the more you'll be blinded to everyone else around you (friends and potential other halves both). Cast him from your mind, find something (or someone else, a friend to hang out with) to occupy your time. Get drunk a few times. Then stand up and find yourself another man. I subscribe to the whole respect leads to trust, trust leads to love philosophy of relationships, and since this guy is clearly willing (he told you for crying out loud) to see other women while you're in the picture, there clearly isn't as much of any of those three aspects as you wished there to be, summed up in 'it wasn't supposed to be a long lasting relationship' (which is disrespectful at best).

Harsh as it sounds, go incommunicado from him, for a while at least, don't think about him and just 'live' (I mean that in the nicest way: go out, hobbies, family, friends etc.), then see where you're at. Maybe by then you'll realise that he was right, you do deserve better.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

..."everyone's got the hardest thing they've ever done right around the corner." Ben Folds.

So I've hit that point...I thought I'd pulled through some tough shit before but nothing like this...

There's a guy I love. And I guess this is the shit that love is. Because...well, due to circumstances beyond my control (FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU--), he's decided that our relationship isn't going to go anywhere, and...is out looking for other women.

And it's...awful. Because he still wants to be friends-- and I value this person so much-- I want to be with him so much--I've wanted it to work out for so long now... Talking to him...pretending it's nothing...It hurts so much...And maybe in four years I could be in a position to actually get him...but even so I might not be what he's looking for, whatever that is.

So I'm trying to hold on...for some stupid fucking reason, praying that it'll be worth it...Not praying like, thanks for everything great, God, but praying from the deepest part of my being because there's literally nothing else I can do. Every day I feel it, this wish that it'll be alright, that it'll work out...

But I'm breaking. How can I hold on when it feels like my heart's in barbed wire? Hearing him say..."It wasn't supposed to be a long lasting relationship." And..."I'm going to go meet a girl for coffee tomorrow." What if it works...? What if he finds someone else? Shit, what if he's happy?

It's the worst idea in the world to hang onto him like this. But I guess "I'd do anything for you" is literal.

What do I do? What can I do? Sigh...he's always wanted me to find someone "better" than him. Fucking tragic.

He knows that I love him. He thinks I can handle being his platonic friend. That's definitely at least partially a lie, it's just how much of it is a lie that I don't know.

Help...?

If you'll do anything for him, let him go. But, don't do it for him. Do it for you. You don't want to put yourself in a position where you get cheated on. (Believe me, I've been there way too many times. It's not fun.) As hard as you may think this is, your feelings will pass very quickly, and soon, you'll be wondering why you gave him so much worry.

 

[similar.squirrel]

Do something else. Forget about him. I'm going through the same thing right now, and thinking about it only makes it worse. Banish him from your thoughts, break off all contact. Quarantine. Trust me, talking to him is just going to make this a thousand times more painful.

That's my two cents, anyway. Good luck.

Edit: While we're on the topic of Ben Folds, listen to 'Bitches Ain't Shit'. It sort of helps a bit.

 

[endnuen]

First; Are you a somewhat attractive girl?

Second; Just quit it? Hanging around waiting is not going to help you. He made his intentions clear so accept it. Go out and meet new people yourself. Which is why the first question was raised. Can you answer "yes" or any word mildly like it, then you will only have your own inhibitions to stop you.

 

[PleaseDele]

He's telling you he wants to stay friends because he doesn't want you to think he'll be gone forever. He can still be there for mental support if you ever need him, just no longer the 24/7 kind of being there.

Now I don'know what the situation is. You claim it's out of your control but I'm always anxious when people make such statements. But if he's finally done what he had to do (admitting you're not the one who is right for him at this moment, nor does he think he is for you) there is no turning back. This will always be in your head, even if you did happen to win him back for some reason.

All there is too it is you need to move one. Easier said than done ofcourse. But cutting of the communication, avoiding possible confrontations with the subject and stuff like that is a great way to begin. And you can focus on a new "love". Whether that's a hobby, something you always wanted to try, or a new man, you need a diversion.

 

[SiskoBlue]

He's not who you think he is. I really believe people don't fall in love with people who don't love them. What you're in love with is the idea, the idea of this guy if he loved you back, and how he'd love you, and how it'd be. But he doesn't, he hasn't, and he won't.

Just because your love for this guy is going to die doesn't mean love is dead. You're stuck in this conflict of belief. You believe this is the guy you love but that conflicts with the fact that he doesn't love you. Something's got to give and you keep hoping it's going to be him, and as you say there's nothing you can do about that. That's a serious problem.

What you can do is move that love to a different place. Yes you want to be in love and you will be one day, just save it for someone who will return it. So keep that feeling of love and just take him out of the picture.

As someone said above, going incommunicado is the best option. It's amazing how things change when you can stand back and get some perspective.

And he's only saying he wants to stay friends in an attempt to protect your feelings. He may want to stay friends but right now you're not friends at all. You're a lovesick person and the he's the object of affection. That's not friendship. It's a relationship but not a good one if all you feel is pain and he feels guilt.

Make a clean break and put that love to some good use.

 

[gazumped]

In my experience, staying friends with an ex is a terrible idea, at least immediately after the break up. Seeing/hearing about him with other girls will kill you. Acting like everything is okay will depress you. And then hanging around with him also means there's a chance you'll end up in a sexual situation with him again, if he's not getting enough fun with other girls and figures you'll be willing. And it won't mean anything to him. And that will destroy you.

My advice is that you get away from him, for several months at least. Tell him why, so he knows to stay away from you too. Stop pretending everything's okay, let him know how this is ripping you apart, not in an accusing way because that'll make you look like a crazy b*tch, but just so he understands the situation, and also it'll do you good to get it off your chest and may give you closure. (Again, talking from experience.) Then delete him from Facebook, delete his number from your phone. Delete him from your life. He might float on back at some point, but by then hopefully you'll be over him and with someone who actually wants to be with you.

 

[Chrysocollus]

Thanks for all the replies, everyone. It's great. Made me smile at least.

The reason I'm so reluctant to drop this is-- this kinda came out of nowhere. We were really fucking happy. xD ...He's always had some reservations about going out with me (it's not the most ideal relationship, I'll give you that), hence the "I want you to find someone better than me" bit. So this entire thing feels...fake, I guess. The way he acts, and the things he says-- they're at odds with each other. I mean...I could be wrong. That's entirely possible. But that's my reasoning nonetheless.

So yeah, I don't think I'm in love with someone that doesn't love me. o.o Mostly sure.

Oh and it is out of my control. xD I don't...want to elaborate though, because it sounds reaaaaally bad. >.>

And, oh hey TMWTS. How's it going? Are you doing well? 8D

And it'd be a hell of a lot easier to see someone if I was really in a position to do so. But I will be in about a month. o.o So I guess I just need to distract myself till then.

...Even with the aforementioned reasoning, it's a very valid point to drop him and move on. ._. Just...wish it were that easy.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

Thanks for all the replies, everyone. It's great. Made me smile at least.

The reason I'm so reluctant to drop this is-- this kinda came out of nowhere. We were really fucking happy. xD ...He's always had some reservations about going out with me (it's not the most ideal relationship, I'll give you that), hence the "I want you to find someone better than me" bit. So this entire thing feels...fake, I guess. The way he acts, and the things he says-- they're at odds with each other. I mean...I could be wrong. That's entirely possible. But that's my reasoning nonetheless.

So yeah, I don't think I'm in love with someone that doesn't love me. o.o Mostly sure.

Oh and it is out of my control. xD I don't...want to elaborate though, because it sounds reaaaaally bad. >.>

And, oh hey TMWTS. How's it going? Are you doing well? 8D

And it'd be a hell of a lot easier to see someone if I was really in a position to do so. But I will be in about a month. o.o So I guess I just need to distract myself till then.

...Even with the aforementioned reasoning, it's a very valid point to drop him and move on. ._. Just...wish it were that easy.

I've been alright. I've just been taking tha bad with the good same as anyone else.

Don't focus too much on finding another relationship. Focus your energies on something else that gives you fulfillment that doesn't depend on someone else. It has been my experience that relationships and people tend to find you when you're not actively searching for them. Just focus your attention on yourself and any of your friends you want to help you through this. Curl up on the couch with a tub of ice-cream and watch funny movies, tear up the gym, or learn to play the guitar. Do whatever it is you do when the going gets tough.

 

[rutger5000]

My advice is to give up here. Sorry, that is not what you want to hear. And if it hurts you too much to be friends with him, then just don't. Be honest to yourself. It's said that you would lose him as a friend, but sometimes things don't work out.
Also make sure you're happy on your own before you start a relationship. Bad idea to have your complete happiness depending on a relation. And it isn't fair for you partner either.

 

[dmase]

Damn I love how you type(I like the cussing and not give a fuck attitude ;p) lol you could do better you seem angry so let that get you through the beginning of this. When you stop being angry you'll be at the other side where these things we'll be less important and you'll not wanna call or talk. Go cold turkey and never be around him again otherwise you might end up going out with him again and he doesn't deserve that and you don't need that. Stick around with some good friends, drink, and just have fun(that doesn't mean doing something you regret but just what you consider fun) before you think about jumping in a relationship otherwise you might end up screwing over the next guy or stopping yourself. Don't, he did what he thought was best for him and he's selfish so its time for you to be selfish just exclude wanting him.

 

[Shycte]

I find myself in a similar position. My girlfriend of two years decided that is was time to end it. We didn't fight or anything but she just got tired of being in a relationship or something. I don't know really.

Anyway, so that fucking hurts. Like really, it physically hurted in my heart and it still does. I thought that was just some shit you said but it really fucking did.

So I don't know what the fuck to do now. She went away on a trip to Barcelona and I'm left here in Sweden. All I can say is keep your friends close. Spend as much time with them as possible.

It hurts the most when you are alone.

 

[Chrysocollus]

I find myself in a similar position. My girlfriend of two years decided that is was time to end it. We didn't fight or anything but she just got tired of being in a relationship or something. I don't know really.

Anyway, so that fucking hurts. Like really, it physically hurted in my heart and it still does. I thought that was just some shit you said but it really fucking did.

So I don't know what the fuck to do now. She went away on a trip to Barcelona and I'm left here in Sweden. All I can say is keep your friends close. Spend as much time with them as possible.

It hurts the most when you are alone.

Oh man. I'm so sorry. That's awful. I wish I could make that go away for you. I really do.

Make sure you sleep a lot too. Nothing helps like sleeping, because you don't have to think about it while you're asleep, and you're more awake to deal with it afterwards.

I'm really sorry, again. Good luck.

 

[Shycte]

I find myself in a similar position. My girlfriend of two years decided that is was time to end it. We didn't fight or anything but she just got tired of being in a relationship or something. I don't know really.

Anyway, so that fucking hurts. Like really, it physically hurted in my heart and it still does. I thought that was just some shit you said but it really fucking did.

So I don't know what the fuck to do now. She went away on a trip to Barcelona and I'm left here in Sweden. All I can say is keep your friends close. Spend as much time with them as possible.

It hurts the most when you are alone.

Oh man. I'm so sorry. That's awful. I wish I could make that go away for you. I really do.

Make sure you sleep a lot too. Nothing helps like sleeping, because you don't have to think about it while you're asleep, and you're more awake to deal with it afterwards.

I'm really sorry, again. Good luck.

Thank you thank you. Thing is that I want to avoid going antisocial at alls costs, so it kinda feels like sleeping all day would make me go in the wrong direction.

 

[Chrysocollus]

I find myself in a similar position. My girlfriend of two years decided that is was time to end it. We didn't fight or anything but she just got tired of being in a relationship or something. I don't know really.

Anyway, so that fucking hurts. Like really, it physically hurted in my heart and it still does. I thought that was just some shit you said but it really fucking did.

So I don't know what the fuck to do now. She went away on a trip to Barcelona and I'm left here in Sweden. All I can say is keep your friends close. Spend as much time with them as possible.

It hurts the most when you are alone.

Oh man. I'm so sorry. That's awful. I wish I could make that go away for you. I really do.

Make sure you sleep a lot too. Nothing helps like sleeping, because you don't have to think about it while you're asleep, and you're more awake to deal with it afterwards.

I'm really sorry, again. Good luck.

Thank you thank you. Thing is that I want to avoid going antisocial at alls costs, so it kinda feels like sleeping all day would make me go in the wrong direction.

Not all day. But enough. Definitely don't need the kind of emotional instability that comes with not sleeping enough. ._.; Or maybe that's just me.

 

[Shycte]

I find myself in a similar position. My girlfriend of two years decided that is was time to end it. We didn't fight or anything but she just got tired of being in a relationship or something. I don't know really.

Anyway, so that fucking hurts. Like really, it physically hurted in my heart and it still does. I thought that was just some shit you said but it really fucking did.

So I don't know what the fuck to do now. She went away on a trip to Barcelona and I'm left here in Sweden. All I can say is keep your friends close. Spend as much time with them as possible.

It hurts the most when you are alone.

Oh man. I'm so sorry. That's awful. I wish I could make that go away for you. I really do.

Make sure you sleep a lot too. Nothing helps like sleeping, because you don't have to think about it while you're asleep, and you're more awake to deal with it afterwards.

I'm really sorry, again. Good luck.

Thank you thank you. Thing is that I want to avoid going antisocial at alls costs, so it kinda feels like sleeping all day would make me go in the wrong direction.

Not all day. But enough. Definitely don't need the kind of emotional instability that comes with not sleeping enough. ._.; Or maybe that's just me.

I guess your right, it's just that because I'm all down and everything, I feel really tired all the time. So I'm afraid that I'll just go around the house all day doing nothing. And with the Summer Break coming up I won't get to meat my pals in school so I'll have to organize something outside of school, which I won't de because I won't be feeling like doing anything. An evil circle of sadness.

So I just try to keep as active as possible. But I guess that I'll have to sleep sooner or later

 

[Chrysocollus]

If it helps any, I've been playing a lot of Minecraft on a multiplayer server. That's been good to me because there are some pretty cool people and the griefers just come and go.

Anyways...I...*sigh* I'm doing exactly the opposite of what you all are telling me to do. Yes, I know. I'm just going to make myself miserable again. So you guys can all call me retarded and the like, it's true. *bow* But I'm full of enough energy now to give it another swing, I guess. And on Monday I'll be right where I was when I made the OP.

...

I'm not doing it because I disregard the validity of the advice given here, in your position I would have given the same advice. I am honestly that much of a masochist. XD And I hate myself. A little bit of both.

...

****.

So this entire time, I've just been wondering...eventually I'll get through this, one way or another. So. Um. What's the NEXT hardest thing?

THAT thought blows my mind.

...

DON'T DO WHAT I'M DOING. SERIOUSLY. IT'S AWFUL.