So I'm sitting at the blackjack table, and it goes somewhat poorly for everyone but me. So everyone but me gathers what money they have left and flees for greener pastures. A woman immediately sits down next to me, she's mid to late thirties, drunk and more foul mouthed than me.
Yes, that's what I said. Hard to believe I know. We'll call her Drunk Hussy because it sounds great (and she wasn't bothering me, she was a hoot...though not always funny for the right reasons). Another woman sat down at first base (this is the seat the dealer will deal to first, and normally first and last base are taken by experienced players unless no other seats are open...and there were other seats open). This woman looks about 117, and the last 40 or so of that was spent in the desert sunning herself on a rock. Drunken Hussy sees The Mummy and screams, "HOORAY FOR COOTER! We're the COOTER TABLE! WOOOO LAAAADIES!" I about strangle laughing and The Mummy is Not Amused. She leaves after one hand.
Then this man came over. He was huge. He looked like a former football player, now in 30s. He was unbelievably dark skinned, like BLACK black, and had eyes like Bernie Mac, but his hair looked like a short Jeri Curl. He was not drunk, or high...but it took me a few minutes to figure that out. He was simply unbelievably dumb. Dumber than a bag of hair dumb. I think he was a moron studying hard to be an idiot...then had a few head injures on top of that. He was about five IQ points higher than George Bush. We're going to call him Fooball! (After the old dumb football player joke the guy who called it fooball, with a fooball, in a fooball field!). So Fooball asks what game this is, "Poker, Blackjack, what?" Now that doesn't make him too stupid, it's somewhat obvious what game it is...but it's a mistake anyone could make, especially if they've knocked back a few. He hadn't. He was informed it was blackjack. He asked how much the table was. He was told the limit was $5-$1000. He said, "I'm not playin' no thousand!" and whipped out some money and laid it out like it was $100 bills. But it was five ones.
The dealer gave him a chip.
Now I'm trying so hard not to laugh, because I'm still trying to figure out if this guy is drunk, high or just stupid. His girlfriend is with him, but she's so leeched onto him, I don't really get a sense of what she's like. She's really just like an extension of Fooball. In fact, I didn't even notice her until Fooball spoke to her, but that comes later. The dealer shuffles then offers Fooball the cards to cut. Fooball screws up his face in concentration...then brightens up and proudly declares, "I take two!"
The dealer spent several minutes explaining it was to cut cards, what cutting cards was, how to cut cards, etc. Again, easy for someone inexperienced to not know what cutting cards was all about, but his presentation was rather long because Fooball isn't getting it.
Finally the cards are dealt. Fooball looks at his cards, and it's clear he's completely baffled. At this point I'm thinking he doesn't know the objective of blackjack but I was wrong. He showed the cards to his girlfriend (which is when I noticed her) and said, "Baby how many is this?"
I knocked back half a midori sour simply to keep from bursting into hysterical laughter. Even Drunken Hussy was struck dumb. The dealer leaned over in compassion trying to help (or desperation in wanting to move this show along) at which point Fooball grew to his full height of 10 feet tall and 7 feet wide and said, "Hey man, don't be trying to sneak no look at my cards!"
I lost it. I completely fucking lost it. So did Drunken Hussy, which thankfully seemed to subdue the rage of Fooball, as he realized when other people are laughing something is probably funny. He joined in laughing, though clearly not knowing what we were laughing at. I realized this was probably most of Fooball's life, simply going along with things he had no comprehension of. Then I started to angrily wonder how people like Fooball manage to survive, and even thrive. Then I looked at the wall of meat that was Fooball and realized whatever it involved, it was probably brute force. Either that or Fooball could simply be one of those people that really gets one thing, and does it well...but got the shit end of the stick on the rest of life.
Fooball lost his chip. He fished into his pocket and pulled out more bills and this time laid out $11 in ones for more chips. Drunken Hussy found her voice and loudly said, "God DAMN you must have been at the titty bar all night". Fooball's girlfriend's neck snapped her head around and she loudly proclaimed, "NO HE WAS NOT!". I braced myself for some chair throwing. Drunken Hussy then loudly proclaimed, "Oh, must've been the DICKIE BAR THEN hahaha". Fooball's girlfriend clearly didn't catch the meaning of this, and Fooball was simply smiling along in blissful unawareness since he clearly wasn't in trouble after the titty mention (which he also quickly denied!). Drunken Hussy started to loudly explain what the dickie bar was when the cocktail waitress showed up, which was about the only thing Drunken Hussy could be more interested in at that moment.
Fooball placed one chip carefully out, and the dealer tossed him a card, which landed upright. Fooball was very disappointed and told the dealer he needed a new card. The dealer asked why and Fooball said he was going to bluff, and now he couldn't. After being told that was another game (and smiling along with the laughter of all) Fooball was not happy at having lost again. He decided to leave to play some poker with his remaining chip, and I last saw him moving towards the craps table.
Yes, that's what I said. Hard to believe I know. We'll call her Drunk Hussy because it sounds great (and she wasn't bothering me, she was a hoot...though not always funny for the right reasons). Another woman sat down at first base (this is the seat the dealer will deal to first, and normally first and last base are taken by experienced players unless no other seats are open...and there were other seats open). This woman looks about 117, and the last 40 or so of that was spent in the desert sunning herself on a rock. Drunken Hussy sees The Mummy and screams, "HOORAY FOR COOTER! We're the COOTER TABLE! WOOOO LAAAADIES!" I about strangle laughing and The Mummy is Not Amused. She leaves after one hand.
Then this man came over. He was huge. He looked like a former football player, now in 30s. He was unbelievably dark skinned, like BLACK black, and had eyes like Bernie Mac, but his hair looked like a short Jeri Curl. He was not drunk, or high...but it took me a few minutes to figure that out. He was simply unbelievably dumb. Dumber than a bag of hair dumb. I think he was a moron studying hard to be an idiot...then had a few head injures on top of that. He was about five IQ points higher than George Bush. We're going to call him Fooball! (After the old dumb football player joke the guy who called it fooball, with a fooball, in a fooball field!). So Fooball asks what game this is, "Poker, Blackjack, what?" Now that doesn't make him too stupid, it's somewhat obvious what game it is...but it's a mistake anyone could make, especially if they've knocked back a few. He hadn't. He was informed it was blackjack. He asked how much the table was. He was told the limit was $5-$1000. He said, "I'm not playin' no thousand!" and whipped out some money and laid it out like it was $100 bills. But it was five ones.
The dealer gave him a chip.
Now I'm trying so hard not to laugh, because I'm still trying to figure out if this guy is drunk, high or just stupid. His girlfriend is with him, but she's so leeched onto him, I don't really get a sense of what she's like. She's really just like an extension of Fooball. In fact, I didn't even notice her until Fooball spoke to her, but that comes later. The dealer shuffles then offers Fooball the cards to cut. Fooball screws up his face in concentration...then brightens up and proudly declares, "I take two!"
The dealer spent several minutes explaining it was to cut cards, what cutting cards was, how to cut cards, etc. Again, easy for someone inexperienced to not know what cutting cards was all about, but his presentation was rather long because Fooball isn't getting it.
Finally the cards are dealt. Fooball looks at his cards, and it's clear he's completely baffled. At this point I'm thinking he doesn't know the objective of blackjack but I was wrong. He showed the cards to his girlfriend (which is when I noticed her) and said, "Baby how many is this?"
I knocked back half a midori sour simply to keep from bursting into hysterical laughter. Even Drunken Hussy was struck dumb. The dealer leaned over in compassion trying to help (or desperation in wanting to move this show along) at which point Fooball grew to his full height of 10 feet tall and 7 feet wide and said, "Hey man, don't be trying to sneak no look at my cards!"
I lost it. I completely fucking lost it. So did Drunken Hussy, which thankfully seemed to subdue the rage of Fooball, as he realized when other people are laughing something is probably funny. He joined in laughing, though clearly not knowing what we were laughing at. I realized this was probably most of Fooball's life, simply going along with things he had no comprehension of. Then I started to angrily wonder how people like Fooball manage to survive, and even thrive. Then I looked at the wall of meat that was Fooball and realized whatever it involved, it was probably brute force. Either that or Fooball could simply be one of those people that really gets one thing, and does it well...but got the shit end of the stick on the rest of life.
Fooball lost his chip. He fished into his pocket and pulled out more bills and this time laid out $11 in ones for more chips. Drunken Hussy found her voice and loudly said, "God DAMN you must have been at the titty bar all night". Fooball's girlfriend's neck snapped her head around and she loudly proclaimed, "NO HE WAS NOT!". I braced myself for some chair throwing. Drunken Hussy then loudly proclaimed, "Oh, must've been the DICKIE BAR THEN hahaha". Fooball's girlfriend clearly didn't catch the meaning of this, and Fooball was simply smiling along in blissful unawareness since he clearly wasn't in trouble after the titty mention (which he also quickly denied!). Drunken Hussy started to loudly explain what the dickie bar was when the cocktail waitress showed up, which was about the only thing Drunken Hussy could be more interested in at that moment.
Fooball placed one chip carefully out, and the dealer tossed him a card, which landed upright. Fooball was very disappointed and told the dealer he needed a new card. The dealer asked why and Fooball said he was going to bluff, and now he couldn't. After being told that was another game (and smiling along with the laughter of all) Fooball was not happy at having lost again. He decided to leave to play some poker with his remaining chip, and I last saw him moving towards the craps table.
