Unlucky in love

[lex.nero]

Well, it looks like I'm in emotional turmoil again following the events of this passed weekend. So I go out clubbing with some friends and a girl I've been dying to get with for a couple weeks now, things went great, we drank, danced and ended up kissing and talking for the next eight hours until early morning, mainly out of my respect for her, I wouldn't want to sleep with her on our first real night together.
The next day, great... we talked about the previous night among other stuff and everything was great, until the evening. She didn't respond to my texts for a while and then sends one saying she doesn't want to lead me on and doesn't want a relationship and, I quote "Anything with anyone." Now feeling a little confused and mislead I dug a little to find the reason, which in her words was smothering her, like I was looking over her shoulder all the time.
The weird thing is I would send messages and ask questions that I had done weeks prior to the point that we hooked up. Then, stupidly, I got drunk and ending up questioning her motives and being generally disrespectful and a total tool. I eventually reconciled with her and she said everything was okay and that she just isn't ready for a commitment yet.
Now she won't return my texts, which I send less frequently now and down right refuses to talk with me.

So tell me... What did I do wrong? Why am I obsessing so much? What should I do now? I really care for this girl as she's so similar to me in many ways and is such a comfort to be around... and she's half Asian so I pant like a hound dog at the mere thought of her...

tl;dr I hooked up with a girl, did some stupid shit but reconciled, she won't talk to me
what do I do?

 

[DiMono]

Well, frankly your problem is that you're smothering her. The guideline is three days, because it gives her time to miss you. and it works. When I was first communicating with who is now my girlfriend, I never responded to her email until at least two days had passed. And now we've been dating for over 5 years. Shit works.

Also, recommend moving this to the Advice forum.

 

[Judgement101]

Falco Punch?

OT: Don't worry, you seem nice, just don't text her for a while and wait it out.

 

[Dango]

Also, recommend moving this to the Advice forum.

What!? When did that forum section get here?

OT: I'd say just keep adjusting and changing until she's more comfortable with you.

 

[TomLikesGuitar]

It sounds like you know what you're doing wrong here...

You said it yourself... you're smothering her (in a manner of speaking).

See, when you find someone you really want, you have to fight for them... This is well known. Unfortunately, that idiom tends to leave out an important detail.

You have to fight yourself for them.

You have to control your emotions and be "cold" and uninterested.

It can be the hardest thing in the world to not be the "nice guy" and to act like what most people would consider an asshole, but really what you have to do is give the impression that you have a life and that you know she has one of her own. You are actually disrespecting her by doing things like responding to her immediately/agreeing with her all the time/acting differently around her/prioritizing her emotions before your own. This makes her feel obligated to be nice to you, when you really need her to WANT to be nice to you.

All of this being said... I'm the epitome of the "nice guy" and regardless of how good looking, smart, or wealthy I may be/have been at any given time, I have failed at every single relationship I've ever been in...

Don't be like me.

 

[lex.nero]

Well, frankly your problem is that you're smothering her. The guideline is three days, because it gives her time to miss you. and it works. When I was first communicating with who is now my girlfriend, I never responded to her email until at least two days had passed. And now we've been dating for over 5 years. Shit works.

The thing is I don't see how I'm smothering her, We've talked almost non-stop for the passed two weeks before we hooked up... Also we live next door to each other, so it's hard to not see her, or think about her... I've been in a few relationships before and I've only ever felt this way about one other person, but it certainly wasn't as progressive as this. I know it's futile in trying to understand women... but this has my head and stomach in knots...

 

[Aur0ra145]

"WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN GOD GIVES YOU LEMONS? YOU FIND A NEW GOD!"

This also applies to women.

 

[lex.nero]

It sounds like you know what you're doing wrong here...

When you find someone you really want, you have to fight for them... This is well known. Unfortunately, that idiom tends to leave out an important detail.

You have to fight yourself for them.

You have to control your emotions and be "cold" and uninterested.

It can be the hardest thing in the world to not be the "nice guy" and to act like what most people would consider an asshole, but really what you have to do is give the impression that you have a life and that you know she has one of her own. You are actually disrespecting her by doing things like responding to her immediately/agreeing with her all the time/acting differently around her/prioritizing her emotions before your own. This makes her feel obligated to be nice to you, when you really need her to WANT to be nice to you.

All of this being said... I'm the epitome of the "nice guy" and regardless of how good looking, smart, or wealthy I may be/have been at any given time, I have failed at every single relationship I've ever been in...

Don't be like me.

That's the thing, I'm not known for being the "nice guy" in fact most people would say I'm quite the opposite, maybe I'm sweet at times... but that's the extreme point of my "nice guy" persona. I don't believe I acted any differently. I only agree with her, because I feel the same way, I always respond immediately out of courtesy unless I forget and I don't act differently. I have strong feelings for her but I don't seek to change who I am to suit her ideals, that's stupid and unhealthy... What gets me so aggravated thinking about these things is that she was dropping hints all night and made the first move and then she backs off and almost does a u-turn... Maybe my flaw is that I'm just compliant...

...I would rest a little easier if she even said hello to me and acknowledged my existence...

 

[lex.nero]

"WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN GOD GIVES YOU LEMONS? YOU FIND A NEW GOD!"

This also applies to women.

Nice powerthirst quote but I don't see it as advice...

 

[DiMono]

Well, frankly your problem is that you're smothering her. The guideline is three days, because it gives her time to miss you. and it works. When I was first communicating with who is now my girlfriend, I never responded to her email until at least two days had passed. And now we've been dating for over 5 years. Shit works.

The thing is I don't see how I'm smothering her, We've talked almost non-stop for the passed two weeks before we hooked up... Also we live next door to each other, so it's hard to not see her, or think about her... I've been in a few relationships before and I've only ever felt this way about one other person, but it certainly wasn't as progressive as this. I know it's futile in trying to understand women... but this has my head and stomach in knots...

It doesn't matter whether you see it. You've been in different relationships that worked, and this one is threatening not to, and you said the difference is how you're treating it. Go back to what worked, and I'll bet that involved less communication. Trust me, leave her alone for three days, don't even talk to her. Then say hi. I guarantee she'll be more receptive.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

She said she didn't want a relationship. It sucks, but let her go.

 

[revenge6000]

"WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN GOD GIVES YOU LEMONS? YOU FIND A NEW GOD!"

This also applies to women.

Nice powerthirst quote but I don't see it as advice...

Firstly, that's my favorite quote from Powerthirst, it cracks me up every time.

Secondly, I think the idea is that, if things are going badly with a girl, go find a different girl. There are billions of them.

 

[Gxas]

She said she didn't want a relationship. It sucks, but let her go.

Basically this. You're only hurting yourself by continuing to pine after her. When you move on, and she realizes you're gone, then she'll see that she was being stupid.

 

[lex.nero]

"WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN GOD GIVES YOU LEMONS? YOU FIND A NEW GOD!"

This also applies to women.

Nice powerthirst quote but I don't see it as advice...

Firstly, that's my favorite quote from Powerthirst, it cracks me up every time.

Secondly, I think the idea is that, if things are going badly with a girl, go find a different girl. There are billions of them.

No, billions of other girls aren't going to make me feel the same way, I understood what you were implying, but I'm saying I'm not going to follow your advice, at least not for a while...

 

[lex.nero]

Well, frankly your problem is that you're smothering her. The guideline is three days, because it gives her time to miss you. and it works. When I was first communicating with who is now my girlfriend, I never responded to her email until at least two days had passed. And now we've been dating for over 5 years. Shit works.

The thing is I don't see how I'm smothering her, We've talked almost non-stop for the passed two weeks before we hooked up... Also we live next door to each other, so it's hard to not see her, or think about her... I've been in a few relationships before and I've only ever felt this way about one other person, but it certainly wasn't as progressive as this. I know it's futile in trying to understand women... but this has my head and stomach in knots...

It doesn't matter whether you see it. You've been in different relationships that worked, and this one is threatening not to, and you said the difference is how you're treating it. Go back to what worked, and I'll bet that involved less communication. Trust me, leave her alone for three days, don't even talk to her. Then say hi. I guarantee she'll be more receptive.

That... makes a lot of sense... It makes me so depressed to not talk to her but you are right in pointing out this isn't how I would normally act in a relationship... I feel I could easily shut her out of my head... But that would only be possible if I could stop obsessing...

I don't suppose you'd have any advice on how to do that?

 

[revenge6000]

"WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN GOD GIVES YOU LEMONS? YOU FIND A NEW GOD!"

This also applies to women.

Nice powerthirst quote but I don't see it as advice...

Firstly, that's my favorite quote from Powerthirst, it cracks me up every time.

Secondly, I think the idea is that, if things are going badly with a girl, go find a different girl. There are billions of them.

No, billions of other girls aren't going to make me feel the same way, I understood what you were implying, but I'm saying I'm not going to follow your advice, at least not for a while...

Sorry, didn't mean to sound callous. Thing is, there almost certainly are, if not billions, then certainly thousands of girls that have the potential to make you feel the same way. I know you're too close to the situation to see it now, but in time you'll be able to move on to one of them, and you'll be better for this particular experience.

Jesus, the internet is making me sappy.

 

[DiMono]

(snip)

That... makes a lot of sense... It makes me so depressed to not talk to her but you are right in pointing out this isn't how I would normally act in a relationship... I feel I could easily shut her out of my head... But that would only be possible if I could stop obsessing...

I don't suppose you'd have any advice on how to do that?

Don't focus on not paying her attention, focus on finding other ways to occupy your time. Don't avoid thinking of her, just think of other things. Spend more time on your other interests.

 

[lex.nero]

(snip)

That... makes a lot of sense... It makes me so depressed to not talk to her but you are right in pointing out this isn't how I would normally act in a relationship... I feel I could easily shut her out of my head... But that would only be possible if I could stop obsessing...

I don't suppose you'd have any advice on how to do that?

Don't focus on not paying her attention, focus on finding other ways to occupy your time. Don't avoid thinking of her, just think of other things. Spend more time on your other interests.

Thanks. probably the best and most constructive piece of advice I've had, I talked to my female room mates hopefing for some insight and all they had to say was "don't see what her problem is"

and then offered me a hug... good times

 

[TomLikesGuitar]

I don't believe I acted any differently.

That's your first problem...

For example, you said you didn't want to fuck her because it was your first night alone, but if you didn't even come close, then she's bound to be disappointed a little bit. Trust me, girls like to fuck too. You should have at least made a few moves and eaten her out or dry humped or something. Hell, I know a great many relationships where both people have fucked every night they were together since the first date and they are usually way happier than the others I've seen.

I only agree with her, because I feel the same way. I always respond immediately out of courtesy unless I forget and I don't act differently.

That's good then, however anecdotal. I can't know whether or not you are doing this, but it is possible to convince yourself alter your mindset when you like someone a lot. I'm not saying you're lying, but you should definitely keep this in mind if you start telling a few white lies to make yourself seem like someone you aren't.

I have strong feelings for her but I don't seek to change who I am to suit her ideals, that's stupid and unhealthy... What gets me so aggravated thinking about these things is that she was dropping hints all night and made the first move and then she backs off and almost does a u-turn... Maybe my flaw is that I'm just compliant...

...I would rest a little easier if she even said hello to me and acknowledged my existence...

It's time to address a few things that may piss you off. Hate me for it, but you came on here asking for help, and I can only tell you what will work, I can't force you to do it. Bear with me.

You shouldn't have such strong feelings for her so soon. This is a huge problem when you set out on the road from friendship to relationship. I know it'd be great if she was all like, "Wow, that night was magical. You stayed up all night and talked with me, and now we should date.", but that doesn't happen in the real world. She is going to want things to be as gradual as possible. From what you've said, you are not doing that. You may talk to her the same amount, but you've already fully changed your mind about the relationship between you two. She still thinks of you as friends and you have to slowly make her want you badly.

And there's the actual problem at hand. It's not too difficult too, but it's going to be easy to fuck up. I know you say you aren't a "nice guy" but I can tell from the things you've said about her that you are... maybe you're just a closet "nice guy" lol. Either way, you have to recognize it, and stop it. Manipulation might seem like the worst thing in the world, but it's your best tool at hand right now, and if you use it, you will make things WAY easier.

Here's a few tips for breaking that sweet "stay up all night and talk" nice guy habit of yours:

1. If you guys text, just drop out of the conversation at some point. Women read into that so fucking hardcore, and even if she doesn't say anything, it'll drive her nuts.

2. Don't apologize. EVER. I'm sure you apologized for the drunken motive questioning, and that only validates her side of the argument. That's how women view apologies at least. By apologizing you are only further convincing her that you were just drunk and she is acting perfectly normal.

3. Try to be a dick. Don't be yourself. Don't change who you are at heart, but pull a few dick moves and she'll be all over you.

So you can believe me or not, I don't care... but I'm pretty empathetic to the female perspective and have a relatively deep understanding of women and why I fail with them.

 

[BlindMessiah94]

She's right you are smothering her. The best thing to do is give her space and let her go. She's not the girl for you. Move on. Eventually you'll both get over it and then you can reconcile, but any attempt to do so now from you will only be smothering her even more.