Very Short Story: Queen of Ice

[Arnoxthe1]

Come closer, my love... Do you think me beautiful? Do you think me so bitterly cold? That may be so. But look more closely, because it may already be too late for you. Come closer yet and see the rainbows dance in the freezing crystals, refracting and changing. And still yet, see the snowflakes drifting across my bare skin. It is time to put aside your petty illusions. You and I are too alike to refuse this cold that has entered into our hearts.

Oh, I know it hurts deep... You think I have betrayed you. But should a blizzard apologize for consuming those caught in her snowy embrace? And yet, I know your pain will fade, just as a lake in winter slowly becomes freezing glass. And look closer. See the reflections in the icicles. The beautiful crystalline distortions of strange worlds. Strange worlds going by without number. And you know that even if ice breaks, it is still beautiful in it's cracks. Even more deadly in it's jagged shards. This is who I am. This is who you are. You and I, we are one in the same. We are the pure frozen elegance of the icy seas of eternity.

Don't fight... I know you can't resist this because I can see the fire waning in your eyes. I know you can't resist me, or you would not have chased me so very far. I know you can't resist the blizzard in your very being that you've tried to ignore until now. And now your pain is buried deep beneath the ice as it should forever be. You know there is only us now. For that is what you wanted so much. And that is what I will give you. Forever a part of me. Forever a part of you.

As the eons pass us by, we shall be together in hand now as cold eternal beauty.

 

[maninahat]

Would you like a constructive critique?

Spoiler: My Critique

It isn't a story. It feels like the script to a youtube ASMR video. The language is too flowery whilst the images to represent coldness; frozen lakes, icicles, crystal winters etc, are all too obvious. TS Eliot had a go at making winter look good by positively comparing it to spring; "April is the Cruellest month". You could make your work more compelling by finding a similarly unexpected way to describe winter. Meanwhile, whilst it is possible to add an erotic undertone to a thing that is trying to kill you, it has been done to death and that too would require a more original approach. Perhaps winter doesn't need to be a femme fatale?

EDIT: In hindsight, it's a nice idea for people to share short stories and other stuff on the Escapist. Let's do this more - I might submit something for once!

 

[Xprimentyl]

Would you like a constructive critique?

Spoiler: My Critique

It isn't a story. It feels like the script to a youtube ASMR video. The language is too flowery whilst the images to represent coldness; frozen lakes, icicles, crystal winters etc, are all too obvious. TS Eliot had a go at making winter look good by positively comparing it to spring; "April is the Cruellest month". You could make your work more compelling by finding a similarly unexpected way to describe winter. Meanwhile, whilst it is possible to add an erotic undertone to a thing that is trying to kill you, it has been done to death and that too would require a more original approach. Perhaps winter doesn't need to be a femme fatale?

Spoiler: ?Agreed, but I?ll qualify myself??

I don?t generally like critiquing other persons? work, particularly if it?s unsolicited, but maninahat nailed what I was thinking a little too directly. This is more a poem than a story, a point I feel is exacerbated by the overly ?flowery? language. My favorite author is Anne Rice, and as much as I do love her ability to be deeply descriptive, my eyes tend to glaze over when she spends three pages of a book describing the creeping ivy on the side of a 19th century Victorian mansion; what I feel you?ve managed to do is nigh the same, but obfuscated your ideas in lush metaphor.

And I may well be wrong and what I?m arguing is semantics? I am a firm believer that Art in every form need not adhere to rules or expectations outside of those of the artist; perhaps what we?ve read here is exactly what you are going for and what we?re thinking of a ?story? is too concrete a definition? Perhaps you intended to create a scape wherein the reader?s imagination is supposed to run wild?

 

[Arnoxthe1]

Would you like a constructive critique?

Spoiler: My Critique

It isn't a story. It feels like the script to a youtube ASMR video. The language is too flowery whilst the images to represent coldness; frozen lakes, icicles, crystal winters etc, are all too obvious. TS Eliot had a go at making winter look good by positively comparing it to spring; "April is the Cruellest month". You could make your work more compelling by finding a similarly unexpected way to describe winter. Meanwhile, whilst it is possible to add an erotic undertone to a thing that is trying to kill you, it has been done to death and that too would require a more original approach. Perhaps winter doesn't need to be a femme fatale?

EDIT: In hindsight, it's a nice idea for people to share short stories and other stuff on the Escapist. Let's do this more - I might submit something for once!

Would you like a constructive critique?

Spoiler: My Critique

It isn't a story. It feels like the script to a youtube ASMR video. The language is too flowery whilst the images to represent coldness; frozen lakes, icicles, crystal winters etc, are all too obvious. TS Eliot had a go at making winter look good by positively comparing it to spring; "April is the Cruellest month". You could make your work more compelling by finding a similarly unexpected way to describe winter. Meanwhile, whilst it is possible to add an erotic undertone to a thing that is trying to kill you, it has been done to death and that too would require a more original approach. Perhaps winter doesn't need to be a femme fatale?

Spoiler: ?Agreed, but I?ll qualify myself??

I don?t generally like critiquing other persons? work, particularly if it?s unsolicited, but maninahat nailed what I was thinking a little too directly. This is more a poem than a story, a point I feel is exacerbated by the overly ?flowery? language. My favorite author is Anne Rice, and as much as I do love her ability to be deeply descriptive, my eyes tend to glaze over when she spends three pages of a book describing the creeping ivy on the side of a 19th century Victorian mansion; what I feel you?ve managed to do is nigh the same, but obfuscated your ideas in lush metaphor.

And I may well be wrong and what I?m arguing is semantics? I am a firm believer that Art in every form need not adhere to rules or expectations outside of those of the artist; perhaps what we?ve read here is exactly what you are going for and what we?re thinking of a ?story? is too concrete a definition? Perhaps you intended to create a scape wherein the reader?s imagination is supposed to run wild?

You see, this is what you get when you listen to Resonance by HOME [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GW6sLrK40k] while staring at the above picture for a while. I actually hesitate to even call it a very short story though as it seems more poetic at times, as you guys have said, than an actual story. But yes, I was aiming for some very imaginative language to carry across the feelings I felt while listening to this song and staring at this image. When I wrote it, I did edit the hell out of it before I posted it, but even then, maybe I wasn't successful...

One of the things I like about it is that it can actually be interpreted in a few different ways. Is this a literal and fantastical queen of ice turning the person who loved and yet tried to stop her into whatever she is as well? Or is it a suicidal woman who is killing and watching the person she loves die while killing herself as well to be together with them forever in an icy grave? Or is it simply a story describing in very soft metaphorical words, a person getting caught and trapped in a blizzard and dying? Personally, I prefer the first version, but that's just me.

 

[Programmed_For_Damage]

I like it. It's almost like a siren's song. I can see it part of a larger narrative actually. When I write it tends to be overly verbose, so I always admire it when people can condense things and keep it short, as I certainly can't.

 

[Arnoxthe1]

I like it. It's almost like a siren's song. I can see it part of a larger narrative actually. When I write it tends to be overly verbose, so I always admire it when people can condense things and keep it short, as I certainly can't.

Thank you! I think I used to have this problem too but I found the trick is to not be afraid to leave some things up to the reader's imagination. Now of course, some details definitely need to be told, but that's one of the marks of good writing. That you know what to richly describe and what to leave out.