There comes a time when gamer suddenly feels the need to voice their opinion on the internet about a particular game , that time has finally come for me so I hereby will throw my newborn review into the pit of piranha trolls that is the internet. So feel free to give constructive criticism or just crush it along with my ego. Either would be apperciated
Witcher 2
I stumbled upon first Witcher during the PC RPG drought of 2007; it wasn't so much of a drought as it was just a generally shitty year for RPG with the one exception being Mass Effect; but that was an Xbox exclusive and seeing that I didn't own one back then, it pretty much left me with cheap Elder Scrolls or Diablo knockoffs, which could hold my attention for about as long as I would hold an Hugh Hefner wrinkly old dick.
So when an employee at my local game retailer recommended The Witcher to me, I made the sarcastic retort of why should I buy a game developed by this "CD Projekt Red" a company that I?ve never heard about, and also feel the need to replace the "C" in project with a "K" the same way a stripper named Candy would; and to that he responded my calling me a little ignorant shit who need to learn how to try new things, also informing me that the developers were Polish and that just how they spell project. So after being verbally humiliated, I swallowed up my pride bough the game went home, and prepared to have the game shovel a big pile shit into my mouth.
But the game surprised me it's not that it didn't shovel shit into my mouth because gameplay certainly did that. The surprise was that somehow the shit shoved into my mouth tasted different, it had a hint of potential, and that separated it from the bland tasting watery diarrhoea excreted from all the other RPGs released that year; and hint of potential led me to believe that this shit if handled correctly could act as a bio compose of sort that could fertilize a young sapling that would one day grow into a giant tree that dispenses cake.
So after three year of waiting I finally determine whether or not this series has grown giant tree that dispenses cake, or stagnate into a pool of bland watery diarrhoea; and also to resume my adventures as Geralt the albino, emo, Witcher- which is a monster hunter of some sort. You start off in a restrained in a dungeon where your lead to meet a guy called Roche whose apparently a big shot in the military, after exchanging some pleasantries he orders you to recount events of the day that lead you incarceration.
This is the point which the player take over the character and soon finds them waking up from a weird dream next to a saucy redhead, you proceed to run your hand across her soft luscious naked body, coarse touch of your battle-hardened hand wakes her, she quivers letting off out a soft moan before turning to face you, she stares doey eyedly as you lips draw closer and closer to hers until they meet in a warm and wet embrace, and just when it seems things are about to get interesting some asshole walk in tells you that the king need you to hold his hand in an upcoming battle. So needless to say your redheaded friend no longer feel like putting out anymore; by the way no need to worry, there plenty of masturbation material if your into CGI stuff or so I?ve heard, cause I totally didn't find those segments and rewatch over and over again.
Anyways moving on you'll leave your love tent all grumpy and unsatisfied, only to be blown away the aesthetics of the battlement you were staying at, and I?m not just talking about the graphics here, I mean complementing a game for having good graphic these days is like complementing a restaurant for serving you tap water for free; and if Witcher 2 were a restaurant it wouldn?t serve you free tap water instead it will give you bottled water for free as well as giving you an unlimited serving of whatever cocktail you could think, and by that I mean the game put a amazing amount of attention to detail, and the results well it fucking blew my mind, the battlement looked and more importantly felt real there were healers doing their healing, soldiers doing their soldiering, preacher doing their preaching, trebuchets waving their arms in the background making booms, smoke and fire coming from the besieged castle offer a nice juxtaposition to the cool snowy mountain nearby ; and this isn't just the case for this particular area, developers attention to detail is something that felt throughout the game, in later parts of the game you?ll travel to backwater trading post which feels a like a where life is simpler, a dwarven town which looks like it?s been carved out by little drunken people, and ancient city created by an long extinct race actually looks and feels old and yet somehow alien; and another thing worth mention is that I haven't come across a signal moment where I felt a city, or town had hired the architect and interior designer, to draw up one design which everybody than later shared "cough" Kirkwall.
All right so let's get back to the battlement, there you meet with the king hold his hand jump into a siege tower and boom you're on a castle wall, with a bunch of allies and the king starts to yell kill, kill, kill at you, YEA COMBAT you'll run into the fray frantically clicking your mouse keys as fast as possible, until everything becomes dead. After this you'll be filled with confidence and the king orders you to go secure something, at which you?ll arrogantly stride off- and believe me when I say this- and die; and after loading the save you'll walkover again and die. This scenario will continue for some time, until you pick up the manual and figure out there a whole set of other shit you could do improve your odds, that weren't shown on the tutorial screen, after which chances are you'll try them out and still die, but if you're lucky survive, and if your smart get a better sense of the games combat mechanism which will help employ better strategy against enemies ; but before the end of the prologue you'll die many more times, and even more times in the first chapter, this game will test your patience.
However as you progress later into the game enemies encountered will get easier and easier you'll be feel a great sense of achievement which soon washes away as you realize that the levelling is not very unbalanced, and soon you'll forgo any strategy which you used against enemies earlier instead if you poured you points into the swordsmen tree run into a group of enemies and click until their all dead, if you speced magic you'll either use AOE stun enemies spell, or take no damage spell run in a group of enemies and click until their all dead, and of course you could spec alchemist but then you'll regrets it and start over again cause Geralt likes to take his time to throw bombs and set traps, so before he could finish doing those things the monster would most likely have already turned him shoved an apple into his mouth and turned him into spit roast; whilst on the subject of alchemy the menu interface that you use to craft potions is kinda designed retardedly and using it is just awkward, like having to tell a mentally inept child to not use my only single strand of Succubus'Pubes to make my health potion when still have truck and a whole field full daisies which could be replace my single strand of Succubus' Pubes, and every time single fucking time I want to make a health potion. So in terms of the combat it's quite frustrating seeing how the game with good core combat mechanic supported by and strategical elements , is screwed over unbalanced levelling system.
Oh lastly the story, well, it original (or at least I think it is), mature (doesn't compromise to support an greater audience), and it great, and in my opinion one of the best in recent years, and I couldn't really say much else giving away spoilers, other than that the moral choice system is also one of the better ones that I've seen choices seems more organic and not bound to the simple spectrums of black and white. Also there seems to be a lot of reference to the novel which the game was based off of, which could leave some people scratching their heads, as well as reference to pop culture references which will induce a couple of lol moments.
So all in all though the first Witcher was crap, it did provide plenty of nourishment to sequel, which helped it glow into giant tree, not a giant tree that dispenses cake, more like a giant tree with yummy tasting fruit that has lots unremoveable seed that taste like shit.
Witcher 2
I stumbled upon first Witcher during the PC RPG drought of 2007; it wasn't so much of a drought as it was just a generally shitty year for RPG with the one exception being Mass Effect; but that was an Xbox exclusive and seeing that I didn't own one back then, it pretty much left me with cheap Elder Scrolls or Diablo knockoffs, which could hold my attention for about as long as I would hold an Hugh Hefner wrinkly old dick.
So when an employee at my local game retailer recommended The Witcher to me, I made the sarcastic retort of why should I buy a game developed by this "CD Projekt Red" a company that I?ve never heard about, and also feel the need to replace the "C" in project with a "K" the same way a stripper named Candy would; and to that he responded my calling me a little ignorant shit who need to learn how to try new things, also informing me that the developers were Polish and that just how they spell project. So after being verbally humiliated, I swallowed up my pride bough the game went home, and prepared to have the game shovel a big pile shit into my mouth.
But the game surprised me it's not that it didn't shovel shit into my mouth because gameplay certainly did that. The surprise was that somehow the shit shoved into my mouth tasted different, it had a hint of potential, and that separated it from the bland tasting watery diarrhoea excreted from all the other RPGs released that year; and hint of potential led me to believe that this shit if handled correctly could act as a bio compose of sort that could fertilize a young sapling that would one day grow into a giant tree that dispenses cake.
So after three year of waiting I finally determine whether or not this series has grown giant tree that dispenses cake, or stagnate into a pool of bland watery diarrhoea; and also to resume my adventures as Geralt the albino, emo, Witcher- which is a monster hunter of some sort. You start off in a restrained in a dungeon where your lead to meet a guy called Roche whose apparently a big shot in the military, after exchanging some pleasantries he orders you to recount events of the day that lead you incarceration.
This is the point which the player take over the character and soon finds them waking up from a weird dream next to a saucy redhead, you proceed to run your hand across her soft luscious naked body, coarse touch of your battle-hardened hand wakes her, she quivers letting off out a soft moan before turning to face you, she stares doey eyedly as you lips draw closer and closer to hers until they meet in a warm and wet embrace, and just when it seems things are about to get interesting some asshole walk in tells you that the king need you to hold his hand in an upcoming battle. So needless to say your redheaded friend no longer feel like putting out anymore; by the way no need to worry, there plenty of masturbation material if your into CGI stuff or so I?ve heard, cause I totally didn't find those segments and rewatch over and over again.
Anyways moving on you'll leave your love tent all grumpy and unsatisfied, only to be blown away the aesthetics of the battlement you were staying at, and I?m not just talking about the graphics here, I mean complementing a game for having good graphic these days is like complementing a restaurant for serving you tap water for free; and if Witcher 2 were a restaurant it wouldn?t serve you free tap water instead it will give you bottled water for free as well as giving you an unlimited serving of whatever cocktail you could think, and by that I mean the game put a amazing amount of attention to detail, and the results well it fucking blew my mind, the battlement looked and more importantly felt real there were healers doing their healing, soldiers doing their soldiering, preacher doing their preaching, trebuchets waving their arms in the background making booms, smoke and fire coming from the besieged castle offer a nice juxtaposition to the cool snowy mountain nearby ; and this isn't just the case for this particular area, developers attention to detail is something that felt throughout the game, in later parts of the game you?ll travel to backwater trading post which feels a like a where life is simpler, a dwarven town which looks like it?s been carved out by little drunken people, and ancient city created by an long extinct race actually looks and feels old and yet somehow alien; and another thing worth mention is that I haven't come across a signal moment where I felt a city, or town had hired the architect and interior designer, to draw up one design which everybody than later shared "cough" Kirkwall.
All right so let's get back to the battlement, there you meet with the king hold his hand jump into a siege tower and boom you're on a castle wall, with a bunch of allies and the king starts to yell kill, kill, kill at you, YEA COMBAT you'll run into the fray frantically clicking your mouse keys as fast as possible, until everything becomes dead. After this you'll be filled with confidence and the king orders you to go secure something, at which you?ll arrogantly stride off- and believe me when I say this- and die; and after loading the save you'll walkover again and die. This scenario will continue for some time, until you pick up the manual and figure out there a whole set of other shit you could do improve your odds, that weren't shown on the tutorial screen, after which chances are you'll try them out and still die, but if you're lucky survive, and if your smart get a better sense of the games combat mechanism which will help employ better strategy against enemies ; but before the end of the prologue you'll die many more times, and even more times in the first chapter, this game will test your patience.
However as you progress later into the game enemies encountered will get easier and easier you'll be feel a great sense of achievement which soon washes away as you realize that the levelling is not very unbalanced, and soon you'll forgo any strategy which you used against enemies earlier instead if you poured you points into the swordsmen tree run into a group of enemies and click until their all dead, if you speced magic you'll either use AOE stun enemies spell, or take no damage spell run in a group of enemies and click until their all dead, and of course you could spec alchemist but then you'll regrets it and start over again cause Geralt likes to take his time to throw bombs and set traps, so before he could finish doing those things the monster would most likely have already turned him shoved an apple into his mouth and turned him into spit roast; whilst on the subject of alchemy the menu interface that you use to craft potions is kinda designed retardedly and using it is just awkward, like having to tell a mentally inept child to not use my only single strand of Succubus'Pubes to make my health potion when still have truck and a whole field full daisies which could be replace my single strand of Succubus' Pubes, and every time single fucking time I want to make a health potion. So in terms of the combat it's quite frustrating seeing how the game with good core combat mechanic supported by and strategical elements , is screwed over unbalanced levelling system.
Oh lastly the story, well, it original (or at least I think it is), mature (doesn't compromise to support an greater audience), and it great, and in my opinion one of the best in recent years, and I couldn't really say much else giving away spoilers, other than that the moral choice system is also one of the better ones that I've seen choices seems more organic and not bound to the simple spectrums of black and white. Also there seems to be a lot of reference to the novel which the game was based off of, which could leave some people scratching their heads, as well as reference to pop culture references which will induce a couple of lol moments.
So all in all though the first Witcher was crap, it did provide plenty of nourishment to sequel, which helped it glow into giant tree, not a giant tree that dispenses cake, more like a giant tree with yummy tasting fruit that has lots unremoveable seed that taste like shit.
