"Pass me that mother" I said, reaching for the rancid drink in your friends hands. Sure, it tasted like the underside of a goth camel but its keeping me awake for the three days of Epic LAN that are unfolding. A final hurrah for a buddy-brother departing to western Australia on some far-flung journey. We salute the loss by shooting him in the face. Many times.
"You should go easy on that Joe" Says the guy next to me. "You're down eight cans already and I think your eyes are starting to glow". I didn't care, my eyes glowed all the time! besides, what was one more radioactive serving of slime in my GULLET OF STEEL!? Nothing, that's what. I was more concerned with the sparking mass that was my computer. The lovecraftian mass of cables was using three optical hardlinks into main tansfer line running under the house. Not exactly legal, but it was powering my WoW, my six escapist windows and my USB fan of Ultrapower. Some said you could see eager and hungering dimensions if you looked too closely at the humming mess of hardware.
"Joe, you're bleeding out of the ears... and... you're bleeding energy drink" Somebody said behind me.
"Sc-sc-sc-sc-screw YoU aLl" I jittered, flinging my can around and piloting my troll character over a mountain "i'M FiNE guYs, YoU'RE jusT JEALouS of My lEEt SkilLs"
And then my mad flailing sent the Mother into my near-critical gaming tower.
It went critical.
"Ow, my head. I'm okay guys, I think you cushioned my fall with your fragile, fragile bones. Speaking of which, I think I seem to have swallowed some. Also, I seem to be seeing things more vividly than usual. And there are less of you guys and more wooden floor than I remember."
I looked down, and saw that my hands were large and purple and large. I looked out the window, where things were brutal and ramshackle and red. Memories and images rushed up in my mind and I stared out at what was undoubtedly the Drag of the mighty Orgrimmar City. There was Craven Drok, annoying low level quest giver! There was the troll who sold outdated quest items! There was a paladin killing all the NPC's!
"Oh my sweet Four Horsemen, could it be!?" I shouted.
I felt the scream well up inside me.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
---UUUCK YEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I had done it! Somehow the combination of my nuclear computer, the power of goth cow sweat and a hardlink into the Internet itself had zapped my soul into my World Of Warcraft character. Somehow, deep inside, I knew that this was my destiny. To live free and forever in the world of of Azeroth and fight for the glory and freedom of a higher power! Lok'Tar, Taz'Dingo, Mon!
And then, for some reason, I slapped myself in the face.
Wilsonscrazybed: I don't get it, I sent Joe a PM but all it sent me was an error message and the login for a WoW account. I made the dude slap himself, it was pretty funny.
Kuliani: It might be Joe's account, you know.
Wilsonscrazybed: Why would he send me his WoW account, he knows I would only do bad things to it.
Kuliani: Agreed, make the little troll punch himself in the nads.
Wilsonscrazybed: Huh, /punchballs is actually a valid emote. I did not know that.
Kuliani: Do it again.
"OH SWEET LORDS OF MERCY, WHY!? WHY!?" I howled in agony as I rammed my fist repeatedly into my Mojo.
Wilsonscrazybed: Heh, this is pretty fun. He's even saying stuff, I didn't know emotes did that. Let me try something else.
Kuliani: They don't, send me a screenshot.
Wilsonscrazybed: Sure thing.
Kuliani: My god... I... I think something wonderful has happened. Let him run free for a second.
"I am not a toy for your amusement!"
Kuliani: He's a toy for our amusement!
Wilsonscrazybed: You would use one of your own Moderators as a living slave for some sort of sick and perverse game of terror and hatred!?
Kuliani: What would you do?
Wilsonscrazybed: Give it to the users and be amused while remaining legally free of blame.
Kuliani: I love it!
So here I am, trapped at the mercy of you users thanks to the ever-malevolent minds of the staff of this accursed website. But I know deep in my heart you wouldn't abuse this opportunity, right, you wouldn't hurt your most beloved Joe, who has been your stalwart chum throughout the ages, right?
INPUT COMMAND: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Ultrajoe Is At: Ogrimmar Drag
Ultrajoe Is Carrying:
- Some spare throwing knives
- Catnip
- Some Stale Mojo
- A Rope
- Three large hams
- Pocket Lint
Ultrajoe Sees
- A Tauren Druid Riding A Kodo
- A Questgiver
- An Undead Rogue Dancing On The Roof Across The Street
- A Large Drop Outside His Window
- The Stairs
Ultrajoe's Filthy Compass
North - The Way To 'The Cleft Of Shadow', Down The Sharp Drop
East - The Way To 'The Valley Of Honor', Down The Sharp Drop
West - The Way To 'The Valley Of Strength', Down The Sharp Drop
South - The Stairs
Ultrajoe Suggests For the love of Thrall, I like my knees! Use the stairs!
RULE: ONE SUGGESTION PER USER PER DAY
"You should go easy on that Joe" Says the guy next to me. "You're down eight cans already and I think your eyes are starting to glow". I didn't care, my eyes glowed all the time! besides, what was one more radioactive serving of slime in my GULLET OF STEEL!? Nothing, that's what. I was more concerned with the sparking mass that was my computer. The lovecraftian mass of cables was using three optical hardlinks into main tansfer line running under the house. Not exactly legal, but it was powering my WoW, my six escapist windows and my USB fan of Ultrapower. Some said you could see eager and hungering dimensions if you looked too closely at the humming mess of hardware.
"Joe, you're bleeding out of the ears... and... you're bleeding energy drink" Somebody said behind me.
"Sc-sc-sc-sc-screw YoU aLl" I jittered, flinging my can around and piloting my troll character over a mountain "i'M FiNE guYs, YoU'RE jusT JEALouS of My lEEt SkilLs"
And then my mad flailing sent the Mother into my near-critical gaming tower.
It went critical.
_____________________________________________________________________
When I Awoke, I Was Much More Groovy
When I Awoke, I Was Much More Groovy
"Ow, my head. I'm okay guys, I think you cushioned my fall with your fragile, fragile bones. Speaking of which, I think I seem to have swallowed some. Also, I seem to be seeing things more vividly than usual. And there are less of you guys and more wooden floor than I remember."
I looked down, and saw that my hands were large and purple and large. I looked out the window, where things were brutal and ramshackle and red. Memories and images rushed up in my mind and I stared out at what was undoubtedly the Drag of the mighty Orgrimmar City. There was Craven Drok, annoying low level quest giver! There was the troll who sold outdated quest items! There was a paladin killing all the NPC's!
"Oh my sweet Four Horsemen, could it be!?" I shouted.
I felt the scream well up inside me.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
---UUUCK YEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I had done it! Somehow the combination of my nuclear computer, the power of goth cow sweat and a hardlink into the Internet itself had zapped my soul into my World Of Warcraft character. Somehow, deep inside, I knew that this was my destiny. To live free and forever in the world of of Azeroth and fight for the glory and freedom of a higher power! Lok'Tar, Taz'Dingo, Mon!
And then, for some reason, I slapped myself in the face.
_________________________________________________________________
Meanwhile, On The Escapist IRC Channel
Meanwhile, On The Escapist IRC Channel
Wilsonscrazybed: I don't get it, I sent Joe a PM but all it sent me was an error message and the login for a WoW account. I made the dude slap himself, it was pretty funny.
Kuliani: It might be Joe's account, you know.
Wilsonscrazybed: Why would he send me his WoW account, he knows I would only do bad things to it.
Kuliani: Agreed, make the little troll punch himself in the nads.
Wilsonscrazybed: Huh, /punchballs is actually a valid emote. I did not know that.
Kuliani: Do it again.
_________________________________________________________________
"OH SWEET LORDS OF MERCY, WHY!? WHY!?" I howled in agony as I rammed my fist repeatedly into my Mojo.
_________________________________________________________________
Wilsonscrazybed: Heh, this is pretty fun. He's even saying stuff, I didn't know emotes did that. Let me try something else.
Kuliani: They don't, send me a screenshot.
Wilsonscrazybed: Sure thing.
Kuliani: My god... I... I think something wonderful has happened. Let him run free for a second.
"I am not a toy for your amusement!"
Kuliani: He's a toy for our amusement!
Wilsonscrazybed: You would use one of your own Moderators as a living slave for some sort of sick and perverse game of terror and hatred!?
Kuliani: What would you do?
Wilsonscrazybed: Give it to the users and be amused while remaining legally free of blame.
Kuliani: I love it!
_________________________________________________________________
So here I am, trapped at the mercy of you users thanks to the ever-malevolent minds of the staff of this accursed website. But I know deep in my heart you wouldn't abuse this opportunity, right, you wouldn't hurt your most beloved Joe, who has been your stalwart chum throughout the ages, right?
INPUT COMMAND: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Ultrajoe Is At: Ogrimmar Drag
Ultrajoe Is Carrying:
- Some spare throwing knives
- Catnip
- Some Stale Mojo
- A Rope
- Three large hams
- Pocket Lint
Ultrajoe Sees
- A Tauren Druid Riding A Kodo
- A Questgiver
- An Undead Rogue Dancing On The Roof Across The Street
- A Large Drop Outside His Window
- The Stairs
Ultrajoe's Filthy Compass
North - The Way To 'The Cleft Of Shadow', Down The Sharp Drop
East - The Way To 'The Valley Of Honor', Down The Sharp Drop
West - The Way To 'The Valley Of Strength', Down The Sharp Drop
South - The Stairs
Ultrajoe Suggests For the love of Thrall, I like my knees! Use the stairs!
Due to his need to sleep in the world of Azeroth, Ultrajoe can only accept so many commands a day. Then his tiny brain overheats and he passes out in a fit of pain and utter mental agony, you bastard. He cannot do anything not allowed by the game, and for all intents and purposes is a character in a text based RPG. But you also get to watch.
Commands must be single actions and presented in the form of a text based RPG command.
Example: Use [Gun] on [Man]
Or: Go To [Valley Of Strength] Via Sharp Drop, You Sucker
Or: Insert [Pocket Lint] Up [Nose]
Don't be too cruel...
Commands must be single actions and presented in the form of a text based RPG command.
Example: Use [Gun] on [Man]
Or: Go To [Valley Of Strength] Via Sharp Drop, You Sucker
Or: Insert [Pocket Lint] Up [Nose]
Don't be too cruel...
RULE: ONE SUGGESTION PER USER PER DAY
