Your first day at a new job: Offer survival tactics

[Basement Cat]

"This is my first day at my job...what should I do?"

A fellow Bro asked this question and received unworthy "Meh" responses from his other Bros.

I'm older than most.

Here was my response:

Spoiler: A RL genuine lesson in life...

All right, I'll give you some real world (and hard learned) advice on how to deal/adapt to a new job:

1) Watch everything you say for the first full month: You will be the new guy in a group of people whom already know each other's faults/capabilities/quirks. As a part of the NEED to fit in you'll find yourself reflexibly aping others' jokes and camaraderie--but just as when you're dating someone for the first 2 to 3 weeks you and everyone else will be acting "on good behavior" NO MATTER HOW YOU--THE NEW GUY--MAY PERCEIVE OTHERWISE!!!

I cannot stress this point enough. You WON'T know their in-jokes/habits/UNWRITTEN RULES or anything else.

You really need to be on your best behavior (while being yourself) for a longer period than your coworkers so that YOU can smoothly learn your new "tribe's" social dynamics without causing friction.

2) All of your coworkers have had bad experiences with previous coworkers (interns or not) who behaved ONE way until they got past their 90 day probation only to discover that the guy/girl they THOUGHT they knew turned out to be a complete douche once that 90 day milestone was crossed.

Trust me--if you've never been there then you NEED to understand that there truly is nothing more aggravating and nerve grating than discovering that someone you thought was cool and good to work with was only taking their time until the probationary period was over to reveal their true colors.

I'm going through that where I work now. TRUST ME--consistency is PRICELESS in the professional world.

3) Never assume. You're the newbie. The cherry. The virgin. You may know something but there's a DAMNED good chance that your more experienced colleagues know better. You need to learn the skill (count your skill point accumulation day-to-week-to-month) of balancing what you know and learning from your veteran peers w/out coming across as stupid/arrogant/unassertive/wishywashy etc.

4) Always report to work on time. This can be a deceptively easy rule to break when you notice that your Full Time colleagues seem to have all kinds of different ways that they do their own things. This is part of the adaptive process and you shouldn't EVER make the error of thinking that what THEY get away with is something that YOU are allowed get away with.

Worst of all--If you stick your foot in it and say "But so-and-so.." in your own defense then you'll find that you have dug your own grave amongst your Full Time peers who WILL take care of THEIR own.

But you AREN'T one of THEIR own.

Fear this reality.


5) When your Boss makes an "off hand" suggestion you should treat it as if you were a Marine private receiving an order from a commanding General.

NOTE: This is one of the easiest errors to commit--especially since your very Boss will invite you to relax. HOWEVER--it is important that you RECOGNIZE that your Boss wants you to relax AS LONG AS YOU OBEY HIM/HER!!!

Do this: Behave yourself LONG enough to learn the ropes!!!

It IS a double standard. A RECOGNIZED double standard. The trick is that it is up to YOU to recognize/appreciate/adapt to this UNIVERSAL double standard.

6) Be yourself but be professional. Work is work. YES, people will talk about personal matters, etc. Be business like but approachable. It takes less time than you may think to get the feel for a new job.

7) NOTE: THIS WAS A LIFE LESSON FROM MY LATE FATHER--I SHIT YOU NOT: When I was young my late father warned me: "Never, never, never, ever argue politics, religion with a stranger or shake a snake at him: Any one of these things can get you killed."

Good luck.

I hope this will help and that you shall fare well.

EDIT:

8) Nothing spoken to a coworker in private about another coworker is PRIVATE! Your every word ESPECIALLY CRITICISMS will reach the ears of everyone you DON'T want them to reach 5 seconds after they have been spoken to someone you BELIEVED you could trust to not blab.

9) NEVER jump the chain of command! Because newbies cause so much trouble the higher ups ABHOR hearing direct complaints from them--NO MATTER HOW ACCURATE THEY THEMSELVES KNOW the complaints are!

Respect the chain of command.

Like I said...hard learned personal experience.


What pertinent suggestions and corrections do you, my fellow Escapists, have to offer to those of us reporting to a new job?

Especially one that may determine your career! We aren't just talking about flipping burgers at McDonalds--though from personal experience that, too, is all too applicable...as anyone who has ever had to flip burgers to pay the rent knows.

 

[EeveeElectro]

Absolutely agree with that, especially the first point.
I'm having a small problem with a new girl at my work because of that. She's only been here 3 weeks but she's trying to share the same banter as us who have been working together years. It doesn't work.
I can't tell if she's being sarcastic or genuinely cruel. I'm very sarcastic at my work but they know I never mean it because I've been there for nearly two years so they know my personality well.
She called me a ***** the other day about ten minutes after my colleague jokingly called me it for accidentally burning her.

DON'T for the love of FUCK tell people what to do! You're new and you have to learn rather than boss people around. You're a team member not a manager, don't get too big for your boots because s long as you're training, they can easily sack you.

Take note of your superiors. You can tell how good a manager is by how they treat the new people.

Do as your told and try do it right but you're always allowed to make mistakes. Don't freak out if you do. If your manager comes down hard on you for it, make a note of it and ask to have a private word with them and explain your feelings. Don't let the higher ups bully you, but you should have incredibly thick skin for the first few weeks.

 

[Lionsfan]

Oh, I thought this was gonna be somebody asking for advice, and I was gone be all like "Yo bro, you can start by getting off the Escapist"

My suggestion is that people from work invite you out, either for drinks or something, it wouldn't hurt to go. Even if you're still the newbie. Because if things go according to plan, you'll be working there for a while, and spending some time outside of the office with them can help ease the newbie phase.

If you turn them down the first time, they might not ask again

 

[Smeatza]

1. Make yourself an asset. Find an aspect the business is lacking in and excel at it. Consistently put in your hardest work for at least your first month, so they have you down as a worthwhile, hard worker (first impressions count).
2. Never, ever, EVER, EVER work for free.
3. Be very very careful with running personal and non-work-related errands for people, especially those of higher authority.
4. No matter how badly you screw up, nobody is entitled to your dignity.

 

[saintpinhead]

One thing to keep in mind, never be irreplaceable. When you are then they will never want to promote you. In addition, be good at what you do, even if it means putting in more hours to get there. No one wants to work with or have someone working for them that isn't that good at their job.

 

[shootthebandit]

1) Dont be a pussy. If someone ridicules you thats generally accepted as them letting you into the group/banter (UK anyway). If someone sends you to the store to get a long stand or sparks for a grinder just do it. Its only a bit of fun

2) Always be prepared to be tea ***** and do oddjobs (especially if you are new to the trade) nobodies going to trust you to do everything straight away you have to prove yourself.

2.5) NEVER get someones tea wrong....this is a critical error. If they ask for milk amd 2 sugar they better get milk and 2 sugar

 

[DudeistBelieve]

Jesus.... Shit is why I wish to be self-employed.

I don't know how you folks with "real" jobs tolerate it. Follow a corporate structure, sorrounded by a bunch of backstabbers, the knife constantly dangling over your head cause ya know they could let you go/fire you at any time at a matter of will.

Honest, I rather be self-employed and poor then have to deal with that. That sounds like hell.

 

[Miyenne]

I'll give a different viewpoint.

I was the boss for a long time, until I quit because of the stress.

If your boss asks you to do something, do it. If you have several tasks on the go and aren't sure which needs to be done first, stop and think. What's the goal of this business? What have I already seen people putting the most importance on? If you still can't figure it out, ask you boss. Not a coworker, ask your boss. But don't interrupt them at anything, and expect to wait for a reply. If you have to wait, do what you think is most important, even if you're wrong at least you'll have done something.

Don't join in or encourage gossip about coworkers or the boss. We know what everyone says about us, we're well aware of everyone's little tricks they think they pull off. We're the boss for a reason. Mostly we let little things slide because the confrontation and aftermath just isn't worth it. We get back and show who's boss in our own ways.

If your boss does something that's contradictory to policy or even their own word, keep your mouth shut and go about your own work. A good boss is in constant contact with their own boss and knows what they're doing. It is the case of "Do as I say, not as I do." Unless of course the boss is doing something harmful to an individual, a group or the company.

I had employees calling my boss behind my back to complain about me. Do you know what he did? He laughed at them, told them to shut up and hung up on them. And then he called me and told me and we had a laugh about it, because my numbers were great and my department was running quite smoothly, and that's all that matters to those above.

Keep your head down, do your job, and not just what you're told to do. If you see something that needs to be done and no one else is getting to, do it. Your boss will notice and appreciate you.

But as someone else said, never ever be perfect. If you are indispensable you'll never move up. Remember everything you do, good or bad; your boss is directly responsible for. You fuck up; it's your bosses fault. You do something great; your boss takes the credit. Hopefully your boss is the type to share credit when due.

And if you fuck up, admit to it right away, apologise and fix it as best you can. Mistakes happen, as long as I knew about them and could fix it before it went on too long and screwed up even more things it was fine. I may have been annoyed, but hey, I had my fair share of phone calls where I was called retarded for mistakes I made too, or for something one of my employees did but was my fault for not leaning over each and everyone's shoulder every minute of every day.

Being a boss really sucks balls. Be nice to you boss, please.

 

[Forobryt]

Well im not even gona bother saying walk and talk "like a baws" because no doubt someone else has said act like a boss (well ok i just bothered but whatever).

Just take the time to learn what is expected of you and do the work as best as you can. You're new, you will make mistakes, as Miyenne said just admit them and try to avoid the same mistake again.
Try to remember names of everyone you can incase you ever need to ask them something.

Remember professionals have standards. Be polite, Be efficient, Have a plan to Kil....wait no not the last bit, that doesnt fit.

 

[Pink Gregory]

Take your trousers off, get comfortable.

If you get challenged, prepare an explanation that blows minds.

 

[Camaranth]

Observe. Learn who can handle a bit of ribbing, who is sarcastic, who is serious, who you can ask for advice, who gossips and who brown-noses. Learn how to make a suggestion but make the supervisor think it was there idea. Then you can start manipulating your co-workers into doing what you want.

 

[SonOfVoorhees]

How old are you? Im 36. Im the same age of some peoples dad. lol DO YOUR HOMEWORK!!

One rule is never take sides or believe or comment on anything. Office politics. You never know who hates whom and what issues there is. As the guy in 13 comment said, observe. Not good to alienate people until you know whats going on. Especailly if you are on a probation period, dont want to annoy those that can end you job if they wanted.

I lost a job because they insulted a girl behind her back. But when i met her she was nice and friendly. Also i wont join in with bad mouthing people that i dont know. 1 month later, unemployed because i was on my probation period. Sigh.

 

[Ratties]

A game I like to play on my first week there is, "spot the asshole." I'm always studying the assholes behavior to see how much the company is willing to put up with before they can you. Here is my best piece of advice, do not trust anybody that you work with. Like to say that you are in an area where everybody wants to get ahead, even the slackers. What you need to do is just listen, do not ever make fun of the boss to your fellow co workers. Especially be careful around people that have nothing to lose, the ones that only work there because mommy and daddy forced them to.

 

[Scarim Coral]

I agreed with the OP statements. Also I would like to thrown these lessons/ suggestion aswell-

1. Depending on the work itself, if you don't know what to do, ASKED the co-worker/ manager. They will rather tell you what to do over and over (so that you will eventually remember it) then to let you screw it up as your screw up will affect them in some way.

2. If your job got security cameras, you better remember the location of them so you know the blinspots. You should always not make a fool of yourself (e.g. scratching your butt) or most importantly breaking the company rules. Sure it's easy to come into tempatation (butt is getting itchy) so that why you should remember the camera blind spots. If the cameras got no blindspots then you better learn to do the foolish stuff outside or in private.

 

[Little Woodsman]

I'm going to repeat a couple of the things that others have said here that bear repeating--

If you make a mistake, own up to it! Inform your boss or immediate superior of the mistake *immediately*!
do *not* *ever* try to hide or cover up a mistake--it will always be found out eventually, and it will be
much *much* worse for you if you hid it! A hidden problem mushrooms out in to a much bigger problem than it
would have been if it had been brought to light immediately and fixed! A manager would much rather deal with
a small problem and tell you "don't do that again" than have to deal with a large problem and have to discipline
you more severely!

Be on time! Every boss understands that things happen, the world isn't perfect and sometimes people are late,
and if that is a once-in-a-while something bad happened thing they are OK with it. Unfortunately I have seen
a trend in my current workplace (hate to say it, but it's exclusively among the younger employees) of showing
up 30-45 minutes late on a regular basis, and acting like it is no big deal. It *is* a big deal when it is happening
on a regular basis and to that extent. Honestly, plan to show up 8-10 minutes early, then if something happens
to slow you down a little bit you will still be fine, and if nothing happens I'm sure you can find a way to
spend those 8 minutes before going in! Also if it is a case of you relieving a co-worker from their shift, think
about and be respectful of the co-worker!

Believe it or not, most managers do *not* like having to discipline/punish their employees! They just want everything
to run smoothly & profitably, and believe it or not--that is in your best interest too. If your workplace doesn't make
any money and has to close, well you & everyone else who works/worked there are out of a job. Job hunting sucks. So
do what you can to keep your workplace a profitable enterprise.

 

[CaptainThom]

For the first couple of weeks i like to keep quiet and judge other peoples sense of humour and try to find out what their interests are etc, don't want to insult someone you could be working with for the foreseeable future.

 

[Fiz_The_Toaster]

I pretty much agree with everything, and I have one thing to add.

If you're working on a project with someone and you have the small notion of something wrong, for the love of God, go talk to your boss calmly about it and don't wait. I'm currently dealing with that and it's not fun. Bosses want to know if something may have the potential of going wrong on something, and they really don't want to hear about it until it's too late to do anything about it. If the working atmosphere is that everyone works as a team and everyone gives mutual respect then they want to know if someone is not doing that since it can ruin working relationships and damage the whole team.

 

[ShinyCharizard]

On your first day barge straight into your boss' office, drop trou and masturbate while storing him dead in the eyes. It's important not to break eye contact until at least 10 seconds after you finish. This is how you assert dominance.

You also have to be sure to make as threatening a face as possible whilst masturbating. Bosses in the wild assert dominance through body language and expression, the more furiously you can masturbate the more he/she will respect your assertions of dominance.