27 Things Men Don't Know About Women, and other shit girls like to pretend.

[TOGSolid]

(with apologies to Transformers fans everywhere)

Normally I ignore articles on MSN, but I saw one titled "27 Things Men Don't Know About Women." Needless to say I just absolutely could not resist. Even before I read the first item on the list, I knew I'd be in for a roaring good time. With intro text like "Female celebrities offer relationship secrets and dating advice for the opposite gender. Now maybe they'll learn something." you just KNOW you're going to end up laughing your ass off.

Note: There is an actual point to all of this. Feel free to skip down past the list to read it. Yes, I did write all of this. It was originally posted elsewhere, but I'm kinda curious to see how my rantings get received by a broader audience. This was all written as I was reading the list so you're basically reading my real time responses to all of these things.
For the curious, here's where all of this originated: http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/staticslideshowes.aspx?cp-documentid=22506015&GT1=32023

If this post pisses you off, good. I want you to get angry. I want this to make you think long and hard about gender relations and stereotypes. Most importantly, if you're in a shitty relationship, I want you to learn to get the courage to say fuck this shit, I deserve better.

So without further ado, the 27 things men need to know about the bat shit insane women in this world.

#1: "When you break up with us, that means it's over, and we will only sleep with you two or three more times."

I have no idea who Jane Krakowski is, nor do I really care, but I do thank her for reinforcing the fact that the majority of women are clingy psychowhores. Remember guys, just because you're broken up doesn't mean you still can't shag her for laughs!

#2: "We pay closer attention to your hands than you think. It's bad enough if you don't have manly hands, but if your nails are longer than ours, forget it."

And yet they'll absolutely go batshit insane over folk guitarists and metrosexual wussies that spend more on manicures than I do on scotch and electronics. Meanwhile guys who actually do something for a living are bitched at for having 'rough hands.' Mmmm the sweet, sweet taste of hypocrisy. Besides, the real root of this comment is just in having basic hygiene, which is something everyone except fat, greasy nerds with massive neckbeads understands. So how is it something 'guys don't know?'

#3: "Everything sounds better when your mouth is next to our ear and you whisper it. Everything from 'Sorry about the smell' to 'I'm going to love you forever, m'lady."

"Pssst, I put Rohypnol in your wine cooler." Yep, still sounds great!

#4: "When considering whether or not to ask out the girl you're afraid to talk to, keep this in mind: No matter who you are or what you look like, it's always flattering when you hit on us. Always."

Translation: Women are sad little girls in dire need of an ego boost, so please, we're begging you, hit on us as much as possible! We just absolutely have to have the attention!

You can thank some moron named "Poppy Montgomery" for that one.

#5: "We can tell how good you'll be in bed by how good you are on the dance floor."

While I understand the parallel that is being drawn here, I can safely say it's a total lie. I've been complimented on the dance floor for being a decent dancer. After sex they're usually running for the hills in tears from how bad it was.

Hey, not my fault they didn't want to do BDSM roleplay of Arcee and Megatron with me.

#6: "Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a gender-wide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy."

Protip: Guys know this already, and that's how we manipulate you. It's common knowledge what self-image buttons we have to push in order to either piss you off intentionally (my favorite) or to get your clothes of (everyone else's favorite).

#7: "We want dessert. We want you to order dessert. What we don't want is for you to ask us if we want dessert."

Woah, woah, woah. Hold the fucking phone. Didn't you just say that you're self-concious about your looks?

So...you're self-concious...but you want us to make you fat by stuffing cake and icecream down your throat...but then when you get chunky and ask us if those pants make your butt look big you want us to lie and say no?

Fuck you, lay off the sugar fatty.

#8: "When we ask which outfit we should wear, humor us with an answer — just pick one already! — but expect us to go with the one you didn't choose."

We don't give a fuck what you wear, just hurry the hell up so we can get going already. We're hungry, and we want our steak god damnit. Besides, if you're just going to be a bratty ***** about it, why should we waste our time?

#9: "Men who wear sunglasses at night don't look cool, rich, or sexy. They look as if they should be holding a cane or following a dog."

Actually, I've got nothing on this one. She's absolutely right, however this is kind of out of place in a list that purports to be all about the hidden secrets of women. It'd be better served in a list titled "Top ten ways not to look like a douchebag."

For anyone keeping score, this is the first item that actually gets even remotely close to being something resembling good advice.

#10: "Call us back right away. That 'three day' crap does not apply. We're getting older and we don't have time to screw around. Wait too long and we'll lose interest. Trust me on this one."

How about I call you when I'm good and ready you starved for attention, hyperactive psycho? I know most women these days are really eager to get the relationship going so they can dump their guys after they failed to notice the gal's fingernail polish changed to a slightly different colour of red, but god damn, talk about being in a rush.

#11: "Supersecret: Unless we're blind or have no night-light in the bathroom, the whole toilet-seat thing is exaggerated and meant to control you."

Women wanting to control and manipulate their guys!? Holy crap what a shocker! I'd never have suspected most women of being insecure about and themselves and the relationships they get into and therefore wanting to try and mold their guy into something that he isn't. That's a totally new revelation for me!

In other news, the toilet seat belongs down. Fuck your shit if you disagree.

#12: "Of course we know how to work the TiVo. We're not stupid."

God help us all if they try and hook up the TiVo though. Then we're really fucked.

EDIT: This was originally just a 100% flamebait point, so lemme just say that yes, it was flamebait, I was just being a dick. Ignore this one. Women can be just as technically capable as men. I know some kickass female engineers and they know way more than me. Cool your jets.

#13: "We're afraid of commitment, too. You may think we spend our time scheming ways to trap you into marriage, but many of us are quite happy being independent and autonomous. Besides, we're not in any rush to quit lusting after young Calvin Klein models."

While it doesn't translate well in text, there was a few minutes after reading this that I had to compose myself from epic laughter and disbelief.

See, I'm a sailor. I hear the stories, I've seen just how many guys get themselves into trouble because they got suckered into marriage by their gals only to end up divorced and pennyless. I know guys going through those divorces right now and it pisses me off to see it. A lot of women like to act like they're calm, cool, and independent, but god damn, you try and take it slow with gals these days and they freak the fuck out.

#14: "PMS is not a lame excuse to be able to yell at you. It's a great excuse."

It's also a great excuse for me to throw your ass on the street. Be grateful if I give you enough money to get a hotel for the night so you can get your shit together. I've got better things to do than to sit there and deal with some hormonal sociopath's mood swings. If I can manage being bipolar every day of my life without meds, you can manage PMS for a couple days out of the month, jackass.

#15: "Even if we've only been dating a few weeks, don't introduce us as your 'lady friend' — or that's exactly what we'll become."

Once again, good advice, but it's in the wrong list. This also gets filed under 'how not to be a douchebag.'

This would be item #2 that was actually somewhat decent, if pretty useless advice.

#16: "When we fall asleep before the end of the film, it's because we are happy and relaxed, not because we're bored of Live Free or Die Hard."

Is she somehow implying that Live Free or Die Hard isn't boring? That alone confuses me.

I have to ask though, isn't this a double standard? Don't us guys get bitched at for doing the same fucking thing? "Why are you so insensitive?" "Does spending time with me bore you?" Well you know what, yes it does bore me. You have terrible taste in movies for making me watch Live Free or Die Hard. Next time we're watching The Last Starfighter.

#17: "Some of us prefer boxing to yoga. None of us actually likes Pilates."

What the hell is a pilates, and why are you doing it if you're not having fun with it? Isn't it common knowledge that exercising in ways that are actually fun is a better way to do it?
Oh right, women are the masters of self-torture.

#18: "If we run into your ex-girlfriend in public, the first thing you should do is put your arm around us. And if we have to introduce ourselves, you are in big trouble."

Help, help! I'm completely insecure and don't actually trust the guy I'm with! Please make a big dramatic show that you're now my property and that you belong to me! Face it guys that's what this is all about. She wants to assert her dominance over you and your ex in order to help inflate her very tiny ego.

#19: "How sexy you look unbathed at a campsite first thing in the morning is as important as how sexy you look in a tux."

I think what she's trying to say here is a general comment about proper hygiene and not being a complete fucking wuss. In which case I agree, but I can't help but feel there's some sort of other hidden message here involving either space aliens or just general crazylady syndrome.

Maybe it's just because I think the most unsexy thing possible is a human being that has not had a shower recently. Smelly and greasy is not attractive.

Anyway, feel free to pencil this in as a possible #3 on somewhat decent advice.

#20: "Otis Redding said it perfectly: Try a little tenderness."

What the fuck!? A twofer!? Two items in a row that aren't terrible and evoke no real feelings of rage out of me!? God damn, it's a miracle. This is #4.

#21: "We'd much rather try on bras than see them on surgically altered, airbrushed supermodels, but we know how much you enjoy the Victoria's Secret catalog. Consider it a gift."

Is it just me, or do the closer we get to the end, the weirder these quotes get? Someone needs to give this woman a speech class so that she can properly articulate her thoughts. Is she saying she wants to try on the bras out of the catalog for us? That we can have a copy of the catalog for our own private..uh.."use?"

I think the real message here is that the only reason women have an air of mystery and complexity about them is because not even they know what they're saying half the time.

#22: "We hate baby showers as much as you assume a sane person would."

I think even most women would agree that's a bold faced lie and that this person in general just made this one up. That'd be like a woman saying she hates weddings. That's a one in a million girl right there.

#23: We need you to be reachable at all times, but we don't always pick up our phones when you call. We realize this seems like a double standard; if you'd like to discuss it further, just leave a message."

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF Well, that didn't take long for someone to get back to business as usual.

We want you to be reachable at all times, but fuck you if you need to get a hold of us. This is just more of the same pathetic control games that most women love to play with men to compensate for your average woman's pathetically small ego. Fine, don't be reachable, but don't ***** at me when I start sending you text messages from Hooters just because I wasn't able to find out if you wanted to eat out tonight because I'd be home late from work.

#24: "Asking for directions is a really big turn-on."

While I know this is an exaggerated statement, I do get what she's saying, and it is a good point. I really got nothing here cause even I have my moments where my pride gets the better of me and I refuse to ask for help. It literally is just one of those rare 'guy things' that girls have a legitimate complaint about. Hehu, this is #5 for decent things said!

#25: "Pick the weirdest part of our body and compliment it. The left elbow, the forehead, shins. Just be creative."

Aaaaaaaaaaaand right back to more "BAWWWWWW WE'RE SO INSECURE!" I'm pretty much at the point now where the effort needed to say yet another mean thing about how insecure and whiny women tend to be is just not worth the energy. Funny how this quote comes from a gal with the mouse the size of Texas.

#26: "Our friends are not your enemies, and our enemies better not be your friends."

WE ARE THE BORG
LOWER YOUR SHIELDS AND SURRENDER YOUR SHIP
WE WILL ADD YOUR BIOLOGICAL AND TECHNOLOGICAL DISTINCTIVENESS TO OUR OWN.
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE

Hooray for more from petty women that want to control your life. "You'd BETTER like my friends, you'd BETTER hate the same people." Fuck you, I am my own person and if I don't like your friends, then deal with it. Though, in all honesty the people that someone hangs out with are a great litmus test for the quality of that actual individual. Chances are if I don't like the majority of your friends, then you're probably a shithead also.

It's pretty well know that nothing is more dangerous than a woman's friends. No one else is as expert at building up conspiracy theories in your gal's head than her own friends. I wish I was making that up too. It happens all the time, and even features readily as a plot point in relationship based movies. Something happens to the gal, she goes to her friends, the friends just wind her up and make her hate the guy more, and then the guy is left wondering why a minor spat has been elevated to Defcon 1.

#27: "Sometimes we think we really understand men. Then we regain consciousness."

Ahh the coup de grace. What better statement to conclude with than that?

(If you are TL;DRing, this is the point where you can start reading again)

Protip: The only person making this complicated is you and that's where most women run into trouble. Sure there are lots of asshole guys out there that like to think they're Super Cool Doods when in reality they're total douchebags, but guess what, that's easy to see a million miles away. It's YOUR desire to view men as fixeruppers that need changing that is getting you into trouble with guys like that. Maybe if you'd stop trying to control men, and just go with the flow you all would figure this out. Hell, I never cared about getting into relationships with women and playing the game everyone else does and I figured all of you out years ago. Women in general, hell not even just women, people as a whole are not that complicated, it's just that everyone goes out of their way to PRETEND that they're that complicated.

Guys are easy to understand, I should know, I am one (though there is still debate on whether I'm actually genetically an alien, but as far as I know I'm a human guy). The problem is is that so many men are basically whipped into having kneejerk reactions when it comes to being involved with women. They're tricked by society into believing that they HAVE to be in a relationship and that 'that's just how women are' and that they should just 'learn to accept it.' That's how we end up with people needing books about relationships and marriage counselors. Why people go to Dr. Phil, why RomComs, no matter how terrible they may be, still make money.

Well you know what. Fuck that shit. I'm in no hurry to get hooked up with anyone. I'm quite content to give a big ole fuck you to the traditional games that people like to play with each other. It's not worth adding that whole layer of stress to my life just so I can feel like I'm doing what a "normal person should be doing." If by some miracle I meet a gal that everything clicks with, then hey alright, that's pretty awesome, but you can bet your ass I'm not going to bend over backwards just to make some narcissistic psychobitch happy for a month before she decides to dump me for this year's model, or even worse, marry her just to end up as a +1 on the total amount of sailors that have been divorced. I'm way too smart for that shit.

 

[Jekken6]

That was a pretty interesting read there.

 

[Blogg10]

Wow. That was some... good shit right there. On the one hand I want to reply calmly, controlledly and say 'You make some very interesting points there even if a few of them are flawed in my opinion' but on the other (Incredible-Hulk-Glove-Wearing) hand I want to rage along with you just for the lulz. Well said my friend

 

[arsenicCatnip]

Actually, yeah, it was.

And it made me feel strangely unique for being a girl who hates weddings and baby showers.

 

[Jou]

I read it all and it was funny. That was a lot of "me me me" coming from the woman's side and no give. She deserves to be single or is going to be with a really weak man. Sad but true. Oh well.

 

[Lavi]

My response to the entire OP:

Thank the Goddess I'm gay.

I could go into why my brain gigglesnorted that, but I can just sum it up with this: The day that all women are insecure about their bodies is the day that I am a man.

 

[Deleted]

These type of people make love into a game, like it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't, but still they're being stupid.

"Waaa waa men and women are so different how am I going to get a girl they're so manipulative and everything else I don't want in a person wait why am I doing this fuck love"

 

[kawaiiamethist]

I'm assuming this writer's in her thirties or forties. Much of this list refers to the desperation of that age group. Frankly, it's understandable. Unlike men, our reproduction ability has a very limited time frame.

Yes, women are petty, insecure, neurotic, masochistic, sadistic, freaks. This isn't new. No one recognises how insane women are more than women. I can't explain every reason why my gender defies the laws of sanity, and I can't blame it all on hormones, buuuut...we are the givers of life, so we can be as messed up as we damn well want.

 

[Rathy]

This is kinda sad. Especially because a lot of girls seem to think this is how it should be from what I've seen. List totally made my night though.

And I totally agree with the idea of a woman not being worth my time if they want to be almighty in a relationship. I've got far better things to do with my life than be on the manipulated end of idiocies like these. Lucky me, I deal with very few people like that.

 

[Wayte]

Things like this make me wish I was gay. It would be so much easier to find a sane man than it is to find a sane woman...

 

[Jedamethis]

Highlarious!

...I have nothing more to say.

 

[Blogg10]

I'm assuming this writer's in her thirties or forties. Much of this list refers to the desperation of that age group. Frankly, it's understandable. Unlike men, our reproduction ability has a very limited time frame.

Yes, women are petty, insecure, neurotic, masochistic, sadistic, freaks. This isn't new. No one recognises how insane women are more than women. I can't explain every reason why my gender defies the laws of sanity, and I can't blame it all on hormones, buuuut...we are the givers of life, so we can be as messed up as we damn well want.

You talk about your 'limited time frame' reproduction ability? Aren't we the same? I mean yeah, we keep producing wrigglies for a bit longer but... our ability to find someone willing to have our children considering that by that point we'll be around 50-60 and our hypothetical baby-factory is in her prime-time reproductively speaking (between 20-30) will be shot in the foot, HARD.

 

[iggyus]

This was a good read, I have to admit even if my girlfriend would have my head for agreeing with this.

 

[TOGSolid]

This was a good read, I have to admit even if my girlfriend would have my head for agreeing with this.

You might want to think a little hard about your girlfriend then.

 

[Disaster Button]

That was actually hilarious, the part about the Borg was spectacular and I will grant you the winnings of One(1) Internet for that.

I also loved how rediculous that 'advice' was and loved the mental images it gave me, especially the "Directions is hawt" bit which made me imagine a guy on the motorwat calmly asking if he takes the next left, when he hears a woman yelling and charging towards him only to jump him and shout "I want you right here!"
..Okay, that was a lot funnier in my head but shut up, it made me giggle.

The bit at the bottom was actually pretty interesting, well the first 2 paragraphs.

 

[captainkrunch]

i was a little skepticle of reading this at first because i was afraid this would be exactly what you were mocking but i after reading the entire post i want to thank you for giving me a few good laughs and giving me something to rage about

 

[Labyrinth]

I resent the implication that all women are the same. Both the article writer and some of the commenters make it.

My foremost recommendation is ignore MSN articles like the plague. They're full of shit. I once saw one on there with a title.. I think it said "12 ways to tell he's cheating". After reading I couldn't help but feel it should have been titled "12 tests he doesn't know he's taking and hence will probably fail, whether he's cheating or not." To be fair, I've found similarly shitty and manipulative articles written for men, by men. One was "10 ways to tell her she's gained weight without saying it" and included suggestions such as buying a dress intentionally too small for her and acting all innocent and disappointed when she can't fit it.

This kind of media undermines trust in relationships. It also teaches people to be shitty by providing bad role models.

 

[BonsaiK]

Normally I ignore articles on MSN, but ... [stuff and things edited] ... I'm way too smart for that shit.

Articles on MSN aren't that different to articles in women's fashion magazines. They are obviously informed by a fairly mainstream stereotypical vision of what both men and women are supposed to be, and should not be taken too seriously (or even read at all, really). Also, the quotes are from celebrities and we all know how sheltered from the realities of life these people can be.

Obviously the article hit some sort of a nerve with you though or you wouldn't have reproduced the entirety of it here along with a fairly ranty point-by-point rebuttal. I wonder though, what makes you so passionate about what a bunch of strangers think? Also, by reproducing it here, are you not giving their (mostly crap, I agree) opinions undeserved extra attention?

 

[Deathwatch050]

The givers of life? Messed up as you damn well want? Hardly. How about this: I don't consent to reproduce with you (putting it as mildly as possible here) and what happens? No life. You're not "the givers of life". It takes two to tango, so get over yourself.

Also, I'm not trying to personally attack you, I'm attacking your viewpoint. Just making the distinction clear here. I very much don't want to become known on this forum as a flamer.

Hello Escapist!

-Frosty05