8 Months on and it's not getting easier - How did you get through a nasty breakup?

[Roocifer]

Hi guys,

I wouldnt normally post something like this, but Im running out of ideas and I've always had a great response from this community.

Basically 8 months ago my last relationship fell apart, was a mix of me feeling frustrated and unchallenged (and i think the fact that for 2 years we had both been living out of my room at my folks in a small village with nothing to do - so a bit cabin fever maybe).

I moved to the nearby town and then got kinda arrogant, like cos i was living in town now suddenly all sorts of awesome things would start happening.

Basically, while I was sorting my head out my (now ex) was getting friendly with an old mate of mine. I thought nothing of it, they had both independantly told me they didnt fancy each other and I was glad she had someone I knew to talk to while I sorted my head out.

Long story short I was 'too late'. When I tried to save things she told me she 'didnt love me enough' to try again, and went off with my old mate.

Its been 8 months of hell since then, depression came back, had cognitive therapy. Tried expanding my life, I pushed my guitar and singing really hard and now Im playing and singing live which I always wanted to do. Learnt to sail, met some awesome new people.


But I keep 'crashing' back down to lows. Im finding it hard to get myself out of these lows when I feel like its inevitable Im gonna crash back down. Ive had a few relationships since, but nothing on that level. Cant stop missing her :/

Anyhow. If you read that wall of text, thanks. Any advice is appreciated. And not flaming me. This is also appreciated.

 

[Estocavio]

She isnt worth bothering yourself about - The past is the past.
Think of it this way: SHE didnt want to even try to fix things.

 

[procyonlotor]

People always tell me it takes time. Funnily, they never mention how much time.

Useless advice really. In the end the only thing you can do is hang in there and try not to brood over it.

 

[BonsaiK]

Hi guys,

I wouldnt normally post something like this, but Im running out of ideas and I've always had a great response from this community.

Basically 8 months ago my last relationship fell apart, was a mix of me feeling frustrated and unchallenged (and i think the fact that for 2 years we had both been living out of my room at my folks in a small village with nothing to do - so a bit cabin fever maybe).

I moved to the nearby town and then got kinda arrogant, like cos i was living in town now suddenly all sorts of awesome things would start happening.

Basically, while I was sorting my head out my (now ex) was getting friendly with an old mate of mine. I thought nothing of it, they had both independantly told me they didnt fancy each other and I was glad she had someone I knew to talk to while I sorted my head out.

Long story short I was 'too late'. When I tried to save things she told me she 'didnt love me enough' to try again, and went off with my old mate.

Its been 8 months of hell since then, depression came back, had cognitive therapy. Tried expanding my life, I pushed my guitar and singing really hard and now Im playing and singing live which I always wanted to do. Learnt to sail, met some awesome new people.


But I keep 'crashing' back down to lows. Im finding it hard to get myself out of these lows when I feel like its inevitable Im gonna crash back down. Ive had a few relationships since, but nothing on that level. Cant stop missing her :/

Anyhow. If you read that wall of text, thanks. Any advice is appreciated. And not flaming me. This is also appreciated.

In before incessant whining about relationship threads!

I've answered thsi in the Relationship Problem thread at the following link: http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.117161-Relationship-problem-thread?page=43#7505735

 

[Roocifer]

Sound advice Vodka Dude. It's not that I blame her, more haven't been able to forgive myself. It honest to God seemed like waking up from a bad dream - not being able to understand why I wanted out in the first place, or why I didnt make more of an effort to fix things myself.

My mates say Im looking back with a rose tinted view, and I know that they are prob right. Its just really hard to change that mindset.

I know I need to just man up and move forward, and I think I been doing the right things. I just keep coming back to this place.

 

[Roocifer]

Thanks Bonsaiuk. Sounds words of wisdom.

 

[Steel Ronin]

It's really simple just go on with your life and forget about her any bad expirience is followed by more good ones.It's like we say in Bulgaria "Vsqko losho za dobro" (trans:Every bad thing is for a good thing explanation:Every bad thing that happens to you has happened so that a good thing will come from it) so really try to forget about her women come and go and you can't let that get you down.The only thing you need to do if forgive yourself and if possible not punch your friend in the face next time you meet him.

 

[Thunderhorse31]

It's human nature - when you're in a relationship it's easy to focus on the flaws and want out, and then when you get out it's easy to look back and see only positives. Ya know, the whole "grass is greener" thing. Take off the nostalgia glasses, focus on what you've got going on now.

Let me ask you this: what was your life like before you met her? Were you a happy/healthy/normal dude without her?

 

[Roocifer]

:/ Yeah I guess so, things were way different back then. Plus I think Id only been single about 3 months before I met her. I think one of the reasons Ive found this so hard is I used to bounce from relationship to relationship and for the first time since about 2003 Im having to stand on my own feet.

And fall over alot

 

[darkknight9]

After any relationship, don't expect to feel 'better' until double the amount of time passes that you were in said relationship. For example if you dated someone for a year (and had feelings for them) Don't expect to feel anywhere near 'over' that person until two years have passed. Simple formulaic method. There are different multipliers that come into effect if you were married, have kids together, death is involved, etc.

 

[Bellvedere]

That whole time helps is the worst thing ever to hear. I spent the first few weeks just waiting for when I would be over it. I find that you really have to consciously try and get over it. If you hold on to any hope that you might get back together it's going to take forever. Go through your mind, think of exactly why you wouldn't. Imagine for example that you get back together, is she really the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with right at this moment? If you know that she's not, or think that if she proposed to you right now you'd say 'no' then think through all the reasons why. These are the reasons you shouldn't get back together.

Sometimes, especially just when you've become recently alone, and also if it's been a while since you've had that sort of close relationship you really miss that degree of human contact, and I'm not just talking about sex. It's can also be hard to build a relationship to that level again, so when you see someone that you are attracted to you just end up thinking about strengths of your old relationship and how comfortable you felt being together and knowing that it won't be the same to start dating this new person. It's very easy to see an old relationship through rose coloured glasses when you're not confronted with it any more. That's not to say you should try and see you're old relationship as really bad, you need to appreciate all the good things about it, but try and think of it realistically.

And most important don't think to yourself of getting back together. If your serious about getting over it get over it. You know why you want to get over it rather than actually confront her about getting back together. Think of this when you are feeling sad and lonely about it.

 

[Roocifer]

I see what you are saying Bellvedere, Trouble is (and I know this sounds ridiculous), When I look back, I cant think of a problem/issue that I couldnt have fixed, or made better with a bit of extra effort. My mates say otherwise, and I think this is back to the grass is greener thing.

As well, I know Im a better person than i was back then, and I wouldnt want to 'go back' unless It was me as I am now.... if that makes sense...

 

[SonicWaffle]

I know I need to just man up and move forward, and I think I been doing the right things. I just keep coming back to this place.

Man up and drink, Princess ;-)

Seriously though, waiting is the best cure. We've all been there, and I'm sure we all got over it eventually. Though if it'll make you feel better, you could set her on fire...

 

[Harley Q]

Okay, so you are saying tat there isn't a problem that you couldn't have fixed with a little more effort, what about her? I have been there before my friend, remember it takes two to Tango and both of you need to do the steps for it to work. Did she come to you? did she say she needed more from you? Did she try and give you more?

The reason you are a better person now is because you've grown up, you were with her for two years, life is going to change you over time.

You want to look at the relationship through rose tinted glasses, go ahead, just let it go. Think of it more as a stage in your life, it happened, it was good, it ended. I know it sound over simplified, but there really isn't a lot you can do in this situation.

PS- I think psychonalitical therapy would be better for you than cognitive.

 

[Tdc2182]

Sound advice Vodka Dude. It's not that I blame her, more haven't been able to forgive myself. It honest to God seemed like waking up from a bad dream - not being able to understand why I wanted out in the first place, or why I didnt make more of an effort to fix things myself.

My mates say Im looking back with a rose tinted view, and I know that they are prob right. Its just really hard to change that mindset.

I know I need to just man up and move forward, and I think I been doing the right things. I just keep coming back to this place.

I know what you mean. Honestly, I still had problems getting over someone after a year. For me, I realized that I didn't really care to much about the girl, just losing the actual relationship. I missed having the connection with another person.

You are just putting her to high on a pedestal.

Go watch the movie 500 days of Summer. It may be what you are feeling. Though I warn you, it may be depressing.

 

[Roocifer]

Harley and Tdc, You guys are spot on I think. I just gotta accept, and move on. Need to stop beating myself up over this.

 

[SimpleChimp]

Hi guys,

I wouldnt normally post something like this, but Im running out of ideas and I've always had a great response from this community.

Basically 8 months ago my last relationship fell apart, was a mix of me feeling frustrated and unchallenged (and i think the fact that for 2 years we had both been living out of my room at my folks in a small village with nothing to do - so a bit cabin fever maybe).

I moved to the nearby town and then got kinda arrogant, like cos i was living in town now suddenly all sorts of awesome things would start happening.

Basically, while I was sorting my head out my (now ex) was getting friendly with an old mate of mine. I thought nothing of it, they had both independantly told me they didnt fancy each other and I was glad she had someone I knew to talk to while I sorted my head out.

Long story short I was 'too late'. When I tried to save things she told me she 'didnt love me enough' to try again, and went off with my old mate.

Its been 8 months of hell since then, depression came back, had cognitive therapy. Tried expanding my life, I pushed my guitar and singing really hard and now Im playing and singing live which I always wanted to do. Learnt to sail, met some awesome new people.


But I keep 'crashing' back down to lows. Im finding it hard to get myself out of these lows when I feel like its inevitable Im gonna crash back down. Ive had a few relationships since, but nothing on that level. Cant stop missing her :/

Anyhow. If you read that wall of text, thanks. Any advice is appreciated. And not flaming me. This is also appreciated.

Alright man, i'm going to say this and its not much help. There is no miracle cure, no easy fix, or sure fire way to fix the hurt. It's like a hang over, nothing you can do (other than getting the girl) will lessen the pain but time. Every relationship or fling will only serve as a pain medication, which is counteractive because it will just make the pain hurt worse by depriving the body of what it needs (in a hang over sense b vitamins, in this sense the girl). The best thing you can do is try and forget her, dont dwell on the memory or her, don't try to hate her, just forgive her. Forgive her and try to move on. It will hurt but time dulls all aches my friend.

My heart goes out to you, it's a hell of a burden to shoulder, but if you can soldier on soon you will find the weight a little less until it becomes nothing at all.

 

[Roocifer]

Im fine with the whole rationalising and goal setting. It's just when I break it down into hours/minutes/seconds of day to day living that I find it hard...