A boyfriend?s dilemma with the girlfriend?s parents

[EmperorZoltan]

So let me start out by explaining this is a first for me. I?ve never come to the internet for advice, and rarely to other people, when it comes to advice on relationships. I have absolutely no idea if this is even a good idea, but here goes.

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 9 months, have a great relationship and are very much in love. She lives with her parents, whom are quite conservative, and recently their values have really been getting in the way of our relationship. Glossing over the massively convulted drama that happened last night, they basically crashed a dinner party I had organised for some friends when they found out she was going to stay overnight with me, demanded she return home instantly and forbidding her from staying with me at my place, ever. I managed to keep it civil, but quite simply it looks like I?ve lost her parents trust and caused a massive amount of stress on the relationship.

The problem is quite simply marriage. I?ve been dating since I was a teenager but this is the first girl I?ve ever loved and want to spend the rest of my life with. I?m the first boyfriend she?s had, all of this is new to her, and she loves (and fears) her family. In their view (at least according to the heated argument we had last night) its improper for her to be staying with me when we aren?t married. I?ve seen friends ruin their relationships by rushing into things, hell my GFs sister was divorced within 6 months of her marriage so they?ve seen first hand that these things shouldn?t be rushed, but they refuse to see reason. I?m convinced that 9 months is simply too early to even consider tying the knot, there?s more to being in a relationship than just being in love. In my mind, moving in together is the next step, and its still a bit early for that as well, let alone marriage.

Add to that the simple fact that I?m in no financial position to get married now or in the next few years; I left my job to go back to university, and simply can?t afford a ring or wedding or any of the other major expenses that go along with being married. It?s just not an option, but I?m majorly concerned that it?s the only way for us to be together. I?m confident we could happily spend the rest of our lives together, but rushing things or getting married for the wrong reason (which I?m positive this ultimatum is) could be disastrous. That being said, we?re both in our mid / late 20s and are no longer children?

How I fix this? What I do?

(Captcha: Half empty. Damn right....)

 

[Maladict]

What's her view? Does she side with her parents on this, or with you?

Also, how dependent is she on her parents? Is she still reliant on living with them? Because if she doesn't actually need them I'd say the best solution would be for her to go "fuck off parents, this makes me happy" and be done with it.

 

[Dark Knifer]

snip

Well first thing is that there is an actual advice forum for this sort of thing that has people more dedicated to helping others then just general discussion. You can ask a mod to move it over.

But more OT, it's a tough situation and I'm probably not the best person to talk about it with but it's best to try talked to her parents about it calmly and say that you don't want to rush into things with her but actually want to spend a lot of time with her. If your about 25 I don't see why they have such a big say in things but maybe if it's really difficult try an extended engagement but then they might organise a date themselves.

Honestly, if your talking to them calmly about this your doing a lot better then me as I would have yelled the shit at them for barging in like that.

Good luck, hope someone else has better wisdom.

 

[EmperorZoltan]

She's furious with her family right now, so I'm not sure shes seeing things clearly. We haven't discussed marriage or moving in together. She knows that marriage isn't an option for me at the moment, and that the next step is moving in, not marriage. I'm not sure if she agrees with me on that point...

I agree a total break with the parents with kind of solve the situation, and I'd be more than happy for her to stay with me . She does well financially and expenses wouldn't be a problem... hell my life would actually be easier if she did live with me. However It's not fair of me to even suggest she tell her parents where to go shove it; they've treated me very well and I'm quite fond of them. Poisoning her relationship with them would be a bad idea.

 

[Tuesday Night Fever]

That being said, we?re both in our mid / late 20s and are no longer children?

And as an adult, her parents have no right to tell her what to do anymore. Or rather, she has no obligation to obey them. They might try to pull the "our house, our rules!" card, but you said it yourself... finding a place and moving in together is the next logical step, not marriage. Make it happen. If they have a problem with it, tell them to go to hell.

Granted, I'm the type of person that would absolutely ditch my family and never look back if they tried to be so controlling and disrespectful toward me.

 

[EmperorZoltan]

Thanks Dark Knifer, mod contacted for post movement.

Dark Knifer + Tuesday Night fever, you're right 26 is definately old enough to make your own decisions, and we both told them as much last night. They played the expected "our house, our rules!" play, but it seems it was super effective against the GF.

It took every ounce of self control I had to not go crazy and flip tables... never seen her so distraught and sad... broke my heart. Being civil is highly overrated.

 

[Tuesday Night Fever]

Dark Knifer + Tuesday Night fever, you're right 26 is definately old enough to make your own decisions, and we both told them as much last night. They played the expected "our house, our rules!" play, but it seems it was super effective against the GF.

The thing about the "our house, our rules" card is that it completely loses all power once the person it's being used against has the courage and financial independence to stand up for him or herself. It sounds like she needs to find that courage, since the financial independence isn't an issue. You might want to talk to her one-on-one about the situation, if you haven't already.

For whatever it's worth, my dad was the same way toward my sister when she wanted to move in with her boyfriend (they'd been together for a year or so at the time). My dad grew up in a pretty hardcore religious family, and he was only doing what he thought was best to protect her. His reasoning and logic might have been somewhat outdated and flawed, but his heart was in the right place. My sister stood up for herself and moved out, and my dad was pretty pissed for a while. He more or less despised her boyfriend. But in time he got over it, acknowledged that she was in a loving relationship, and tried to mend ties. My sister and her boyfriend ended up getting married two years later, everyone's back to being on good terms with each other, and my dad admits that he'd been wrong and closed-minded.

 

[nariette]

If you were 17 years old, I wouldn't have taken you seriously if you said "I love her, I want to marry her, etc". However, you are not that young anymore. You are an age that you could really settle down, marry a nice girl, buy a house. And your girlfriend should be realising this too. To me it sounds like she never had room to have her own life. I can understand that her parents want to protect her, but she is an adult now. She has her own life and is mature enough to make her own choices. It's actually part of human nature to rebel against your parents and try to be independent.

Getting her to realise this will not be easy, and forcefully dragging her away from her parents would be unfair. She needs to realise this herself. The best would probably for her to move out, and only visit her parents on special occasions. If she explains to her parents why she is doing this in a civil way they will probably be able to understand better.

 

[FieryTrainwreck]

Treat her well, be courteous to her family, and don't worry about what her parents think. That's not to say you should be flippant or rude or aggressive, but the sad fact is this: even if you do exactly the right thing and let her resolve these issues on her own (with your support, of course), her parents will still hate you because you're the first guy threatening to take their little girl away. Their hatred won't be rational; something like this was going to happen eventually, and it's not your fault that you happen to be the impetus. This won't stop them from blaming you for the upheaval - no matter how inevitable or necessary it might be. Understand that they are coming from a mostly emotional place. Be patient with them, but unwavering in your love for her, and hopefully they'll come to the realization that they are lucky their daughter found someone who makes her happy. Not all daughters do.

 

[OneCatch]

Dark Knifer + Tuesday Night fever, you're right 26 is definately old enough to make your own decisions, and we both told them as much last night. They played the expected "our house, our rules!" play, but it seems it was super effective against the GF.

It's mostly already been said by everyone else, but I would draw attention to the fact that it wasn't their house. It was yours. So the whole 'their house their rules' thing holds no water.
In fact, because they came uninvited to your house and started shitkicking, they're more guilty of disrespecting 'house rules' than anyone else[footnote]How would they feel if they found you'd been going to their house and sneaking into her bedroom uninvited? Same principle.[/footnote].
They are perfectly entitled to have their opinions, and even to argue with their daughter when she's with them if they are so inclined (though I stress that it's her business not theirs anyway), but they have absolutely no right to come to your house and start kicking off. It's disrespectful, aggressive, and disproportionate. It's also trespassing, so if it were to happen again feel free to lock the door and ignore them.

In the interest of being less inflammatory, I'd recommend setting up a meeting or writing a letter or something to them to explain, in the politest and least aggro way you can, that it isn't right for them to make demands upon you or anyone else in your own house, regardless of how they feel about their daughter's conduct.

Also talk to your girlfriend about what to do next (whether she'll move in with you or whatever), and discuss how to approach the parents. If I were in her position I'd be inclined to tell the parents to fuck off, but it isn't always quite that simple so support each other and be as courteous to them as you can without agreeing to unreasonable demands.

And yeah, your long term plan of moving in together as a next stage is eminently reasonable, and an extremely sensible way of progressing a relationship. I'd also agree that marrying because of outside pressure is far more likely to cause problems later on, which neither her parents or the two of you want.

 

[EmperorZoltan]

Thanks for all the feedback guys. Things are very tense with her parents and its definately gonna be a rough patch while we work it out. Appreciate you taking the time to put in your thoughts and opinions, I'll let you know how it works out