A love unrequited - a premise for a story that has never before been used.

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Cxizent

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Jan 14, 2009
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And so, with a smug smirk, I present unto ye Escapists a story that I concocted, with a little help from whichever poet first penned the opening stanza, and also words from the tombstone of the English languages posterboy, William Shakespeare.
I daresay more than one of us can relate to the subject matter, and I do hope you all enjoy. Honest criticisms very much welcomed.

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A mighty pain to love it is,
And 'tis pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
Is to love, but love in vain

The heart awoke, all of its own. It was so tiny, so fragile, buried so deep that nothing would reach it, and it was afraid. It beat its own frightened rhythm down the earth.
The body began to move, as the heart filled it. It was so huge, so strong, it kept the heart deep beneath its surface, and it was alive. It climbed into the sunlight, to roam the earth.
He turned to face the Sun, and as he turned and saw the landscape beneath him, it filled his eyes with wonder. When he saw her shining down and lighting the sky with her beauty, he knew that he loved her.
She never saw him, for her world was of light, and he hid in the shadows. From behind huge trees, boulders and cliffs, he hid himself and kept his heart deep, watching her the whole time.
Across the sky flew the light, and the cool shadows warped and disappeared. He unfurled himself, rising far beyond the trees, so high that the light burned him, brilliantly charring his rough, hard skin.
Rising faster still, the fearful heart was rasied ever further, his huge hands cupped around its tiny fragile form. It glinted and shined in the harsh light, beating in apprehension, now it could be seen.
Casting it away, the light passed over the gigantic form stretched into the very sky and left it holding the tiny heart above the heavens, for all the world to see.
The body fell, no longer bound together, finally feeling the burning heat. It fell upon the landscape and shook the earth to its core, and all that lived knew how far it had fallen. It lay and joined with the cool, forgiving earth, sheltered in the shade.
The heart beat on, in a thousand pieces scattered upon the body.

Good frend for Iesvs sake forbeare,
To digg the dvst encloased heare.

The foot sunk deep into the mud. A hand was quickly brought down to meet the lip of the boot, trying to pull it out with varying degrees of success.
?Watch for sinkholes,? a voice sung out, ?This place is notorious, a couple died here not just last month.?
?I bloody well know that.? An irritated voice replied, as its foot was tapped against a stone in a vain effort to dislodge the mud, ?What makes you think that there's anything here, anyway??
?One of the townsfolk told me legends about a mountain made completely of diamond here.?
The other voice snorted, hand wiped sweat from the brow.
?Let me finish. There's a mine on either side of this place, along the fault line. Simple geography-?
?Right, right, okay. Let's just find it then.? The two figures moved on without talking, pushing leaves aside, squeezing between thick trees, stepping over white rivers on green stones.
The mountains frowned down on the from the West, craggy outcrops oppressingly high above. The stones jutted up from the tips of the ridge like ribs, seemingly pulling the green mountain up with them. The two figures stopped.
?How the fuck do we get down there?? One asked, looking down the sheer and unforgiving drop into the valley that they had just come across. The skeletal ridges marked the sky on either side of the valley, and creeks criss-crossed to meet at a meandering stream in the middle.
?We climb.? The other answered simply, putting his pack down on his muddy boots.
They hung from the thick ropes, intruding into the serene valley, making themselves known by crashing and falling rocks. Upon reaching the bottom, they surveyed the area, deciding upon the best course of action.
?What's the map say?? One asked, wiping his head and then replacing his hat.
?Um... good question. I can see these ridges, and the mountains there...? the other squinted, furrowed eyebrows, ?this valley isn't anywhere that I can see.?
?Well, if we want to be the first ones to find this place, it wouldn't be. Let's follow the river.?
Hands brushing fronds and leaves aside, marks being left upon the rocks, then swept away as the stream rose to meet them, they slowly progressed further down into the valley.
?Woah.? One stopped, ?That can't be...?
The other peered around, trying to see. ?What is it??
Moving up to the outcrop, the man chipped some of the rocks away, loosing a tiny particle that glinted and shined in the sun, sending light dancing past their eyes. The dirty fingers squeezed it, the glassy surface hovered millimetres from it, and the eye examined it closely while it danced with light.
They camped there, hiding in the shadows of the valley, digging for days on end. They only packed their things up when the food ran low, bags bulging from the impossibly rich seam, impossible that it was so placed, impossible that no-one had found it before.
Climbing their thick ropes up the bare walls, the first one noticed that his top pocket had come unbuttoned, full to bulging, nearly falling off. Past halfway, he decided to ignore it until they reached the top, continuing to climb, agonisingly slowly, putting his feet wherever they could fit into crannies in the wall, comrade close behind them.
The tiny shard lept from his bulging pocket, sparkling vibrantly as it fell. He just managed to catch it, then put it between thumb and forfinger, to place it back. Raising it to his pocket, he glanced down to examine it briefly.
So small, so tiny, so afraid of the new captors, yet so vibrant, so bright. He turned it just too far, and it caught the glint of harsh light, throwing it back into his eye. Moving hands too quickly, moving hands too far, he let go of the shard, put a hand over his eye, misbalanced. Let go of the rope.
The bodies fell, rope binding them together, the rope pulling the wall down with them. They hit the earth, all was covered in rocks and dust, falling from the valley's lip onto their broken bodies.
The glistening, dancing shards were scattered into a thousand places.

Blest be ye man yt spares thes stones,
And cvrst be he yt moves my bones.
 

Enfid

New member
Jan 1, 2009
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I'm trying to make sense of the symbolism here, but I'm a bit too sleepy (combined with being pissed off at someone) to make sense of it. I'll reread it tomorrow.

BTW I feel like the word 'fuck' is used here rather inappropriately and out of context (because it doesn't contribute anything, like a random swear just for the heck of it) but I could be wrong. Again, too sleepy to think about it.
 

Rolling Thunder

New member
Dec 23, 2007
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I tried to read it, but the structure reminds me of a horse being sexually assaulted by Darth Vader.
 

Cxizent

Senior Member
Jan 14, 2009
242
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21
Yeah, I've tried to clamp down on the casual swearing recently =\
And thankyou Fondant, I'll try to make the structure less like a horse being sexually assaulted by Darth Vader next time I write something.
 

ZippyDSMlee

New member
Sep 1, 2007
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Cxizent said:
Yeah, I've tried to clamp down on the casual swearing recently =\
And thankyou Fondant, I'll try to make the structure less like a horse being sexually assaulted by Darth Vader next time I write something.
Nice, I see the symbolism it might be a bit to think, the swearing dose not bother me and seems to be well used.

Try to fix the grammatical structure if you can I can hear the grammar nazis whining.

Though for a draft(finished or not) it looks good to me but then again I read in informational blocks not in sentences this makes my writing style HELLSIH on the unknowing and unforgiving..

I got a yet another synopsis going
http://forums.animesuki.com/showpost.php?p=2207098&postcount=8

I have enough plot points in my notes to do 4 or so books, I am pretty much developing any bit of it as I go been working on the fiction of the universe on and off over the past year and a half working out basic things like how tech,magic work some ship tech metal and armor types,races,ect.

I do understand I am grammatically crippled and my skills rival that of a hax but the muses demand for mew to be creative, and creative I shall be even if the fruit smells. LOL
 

Hyoscine

New member
Dec 11, 2008
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Kidding!

I don't know though, it never really grabbed me. Style wise, it seems somewhere between TS Eliot and Cormac McCarthy, but without the impact of either. That probably sounds more damning than I intend though. You're getting a lot of things right here, it's just a little too knowingly literary to be really striking. Maybe some stark changes of meter could spice up the flow?
 

TwistedEllipses

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Nov 18, 2008
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The beginning description was very repetitive in it's form. I got fed up of seeing a noun and a verb, a short set of adjectives and then a follow up descriptive sentence.
e.g.
1.The heart awoke, all of its own. It was so tiny, so fragile, buried so deep that nothing
2.The body began to move, as the heart filled it. It was so huge, so strong, it kept the heart deep beneath its surface, and it was alive.
3.He turned to face the Sun, and as he turned and saw the landscape beneath him, it filled his eyes with wonder.
4.She never saw him, for her world was of light, and he hid in the shadows. From behind huge trees, boulders and cliffs, he hid himself and kept his heart deep, watching her the whole time.
5.Across the sky flew the light, and the cool shadows warped and disappeared. He unfurled himself, rising far beyond the trees, so high that the light burned him, brilliantly charring his rough, hard skin.
6.Rising faster still, the fearful heart was rasied ever further, his huge hands cupped around its tiny fragile form. It glinted and shined in the harsh light, beating in apprehension, now it could be seen.
7.Casting it away, the light passed over the gigantic form stretched into the very sky and left it holding the tiny heart above the heavens, for all the world to see.
8.The body fell, no longer bound together, finally feeling the burning heat. It fell upon the landscape and shook the earth to its core, and all that lived knew how far it had fallen.
9.The heart beat on, in a thousand pieces scattered upon the body.