A problem with my girlfriend. Need help guys :\

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Okay if she is the only thing in life to make you happy, that right there is unhealthy.
Literally unhealthy for you and the relationship.

I would know, I once searched the panaccea for chronical sadness in a relationship too.
It can be enriching, sure, while everything goes well, you're happy, right?
However, if you rely on it too much and something goes wrong, it can and will fucking destroy you.
There's nothing else in this world to make you happy after all, is there?
I'm not even kidding, the pain can make you physically ill. I've been there.

You need something else that keeps your demons at bay.
Anything but something as fickle as a relationship. Don't attach your life to it!
Get a creative outlet, meet with friends, therapy, anything.

I'm trying to keep up my drawing and painting. It does help a little, and it is one of the few things I actually enjoy. And I do go out with friends and get drunk or cruise or just hang around talking. I do have a lovely friend, and she is always there to talk to me which is nice. But at the moment there is no doubt in my mind that if I were to lose this I would kill myself. Yeah, looking at it from the outside it seems immature and stupid, but it's just how I feel and this world is cold and empty without her. But lets hope it won't come to that.

I think it's because they've been through a lot together. Yeah they fight a lot, but at the end of the day I think she's scared to lose her mother.

All this sounds ridiculous, but it's the situation I'm in at the moment. And I fucking hate it.

The only thing I want to add here is that it is a bad idea to meet up under another pretence. If you did that and her mother somehow found out, and she probably would, it would make everything ten times harder for you.

This is going to take time, and although your girlfriend is afraid of the fallout, it will become harder to confront her mother the longer she leaves it. I'm not suggesting that she try to break free of her influence all at once, but she should consider talking about the first steps, like I mentioned earlier, because her mother is not likely to become more open minded about these things on her own. If anything she will probably become more insular and even more protective of her. Your girlfriend will just have to talk to her and try to keep calm, as her mother may well turn it into an argument, and throw about accusations. She's still hurting, and will probably lash out, and it is very important for your girlfriend to stay calm when she talks to her. Talk it over, but try not to push her too hard, make sure she knows that it's difficult for you too.

I know, the gently gently approach. It's a test of patience, but I've learnt a lot of that in my life so far. I can do it, it's just surviving in the meantime.

 

[JimB]

At the moment, there is no doubt in my mind that if I were to lose this [relationship] I would kill myself. Yeah, looking at it from the outside it seems immature and stupid

No, it seems sick. I don't mean that judgmentally; I mean it as in a medical condition that you should be seeing a licensed and accredited health care provider to address. If you are even a little bit serious when you say that you intend to kill yourself, then adding a qualifier like "unless my girlfriend never dumps me" is irrelevant. The underlying fact remains that you mean to be the cause of your own death. See a doctor.

 

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At the moment, there is no doubt in my mind that if I were to lose this [relationship] I would kill myself. Yeah, looking at it from the outside it seems immature and stupid

No, it seems sick. I don't mean that judgmentally; I mean it as in a medical condition that you should be seeing a licensed and accredited health care provider to address. If you are even a little bit serious when you say that you intend to kill yourself, then adding a qualifier like "unless my girlfriend never dumps me" is irrelevant. The underlying fact remains that you mean to be the cause of your own death. See a doctor.

I've been on medication, and it worked, but it made me far too drowsy to be able to function. I was sleeping 12 hours some days. After that I just kind of forgot about the meds, but I am thinking of looking back into them sometime soon, and I am having therapy.

 

[JimB]

I just kind of forgot about the meds, but I am thinking of looking back into them sometime soon, and I am having therapy.

Wait, you're in therapy, but you're off your meds, planning to kill yourself, and your therapist isn't doing anything about it?

 

[default]

I just kind of forgot about the meds, but I am thinking of looking back into them sometime soon, and I am having therapy.

Wait, you're in therapy, but you're off your meds, planning to kill yourself, and your therapist isn't doing anything about it?

She is. I'm getting help and everything is progressing. Thing is, as long as I have this relationship I'm not even thinking about suicide.

 

[Leonartheinsane]

@Digi7,

While I have never been anything close to what you are going through right now and therefore can't give any advice about that (Sorry).

I have had friends who have been through similar things and would just like to offer support and tell you that you that everyone on here who has had a go at you and told you to man up/clean yourself up (or similar) because of your self abuse/ suicide has no idea and so don't listen to them.

Best of Luck working through your problems and always know that you're not the only one going through them, it's actually extremely common.

 

[Whateveralot]

I just kind of forgot about the meds, but I am thinking of looking back into them sometime soon, and I am having therapy.

Wait, you're in therapy, but you're off your meds, planning to kill yourself, and your therapist isn't doing anything about it?

She is. I'm getting help and everything is progressing. Thing is, as long as I have this relationship I'm not even thinking about suicide.

Thing is, the longer you stay into the relationship, the more chance there is you will kill yourself if it ever breaks up.

From what I see is that this relationship gives you 10% happiness (and with that I mean absolute perfect bliss), and 90% unhappiness (because of all the...unhappy stuff).

You want it to be good, but it can't (because of the things you mentioned: her mother, etc.). You say she's your world, which is OK, good and the way it's supposed to be. But you're missing the bigger picture.

You have stuff of your own. You don't feel very awesome right now. To attatch yourself to this situation, is to only make it worse. I'm not saying you should break up, I'm just saying you should find a way to stop hurting yourself over this, because right now, it doesn't seem worth it (10%/90%). If that means breaking up, then do that. The hardest decisions can come with the greatest of outcomes. You should change something drastically.

I suggest a sitdown with her mother first. Just a sitdown and talk. Talk about your feelings, talk about your girlfriends' feelings, talk about her mothers' feelings. Talking is the best thing you can do to get stuff done.

 

[Phasmal]

Your relationship sounds kind of... codependent. And that's not really a great thing.

Make sure you aren't putting issues on your girlfriend (saying you will kill yourself without her is not good), and work on yourself. If you are lonely and your girlfriend is not available, well, she's not the only person in the world. Do you have anyone else to hang out with?

Just remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I think maybe you should do some rationalising. Your girlfriend isn't the be-all and end-all of your life, nor should she be. If I was the only thing stopping my boyfriend topping himself, well, thats a pressure nobody should have to bear.

As for the eye contact thing, I never used to make eye contact either. I dunno why. I always felt it was like staring, and staring is rude. So I never looked directly at people. You should ask your girlfriend why she doesn't like to.

 

[Sharkeyes]

For the job- have you considered a short term enlistment in the military? It provides a constructive environment that is MEANT to build up those who are part of it. It could help with some of your depression issues as well and you stand to make a good paycheck and possibly friends. It might not seem like a great option but it's helped tons of people.

For the girl- if her situation is half as bad as it sounds then she probably needs you as much as you need her. Even if it hurts immensely try to be a rock for her. As far as her mother, you might just have to wait for her to go to college. She sounds pretty messed up, but keep in mind she has been through something awful and is obviously still in pain. Forgiveness and compassion will likely be a key part of any relationship with this girl.

 

[default]

For the job- have you considered a short term enlistment in the military? It provides a constructive environment that is MEANT to build up those who are part of it. It could help with some of your depression issues as well and you stand to make a good paycheck and possibly friends. It might not seem like a great option but it's helped tons of people.

For the girl- if her situation is half as bad as it sounds then she probably needs you as much as you need her. Even if it hurts immensely try to be a rock for her. As far as her mother, you might just have to wait for her to go to college. She sounds pretty messed up, but keep in mind she has been through something awful and is obviously still in pain. Forgiveness and compassion will likely be a key part of any relationship with this girl.

I have actually considered the military, but also the Fire Department and I'm in the process of signing up to be a volunteer in the State Emergency Service. I feel that it would help me feel like I'm accomplishing something and making a difference, which would all help out.

And yeah, but I'm not completely sure that she's safe at home which is another reason I want her out of there and about as much as possible. There was an... incident with her mother's partner about a month ago... It's all been swept under the mat for the time being, but my girlfriend does not trust her mother or her partner anymore. But it sure as hell didn't help out my situation and made me feel helpless. But my girl is strong, and she's working through it. She does need me though, and I want to be there for her.

 

[Galletea]

But my girl is strong, and she's working through it. She does need me though, and I want to be there for her.

Hello again
I think it might be a good idea if your girlfriend keeps a diary of exactly what is going on at home that puts her in any danger(and then hide it safe, obviously). She should know to go to the police if anything truly serious happens, but if she is unsure how serious things are then keeping a dated record will give her some ammunition if the worst should happen. If things are getting swept under the carpet then she needs to keep some kind of record. It is some evidence, just in case.

As for your depression issues you should talk to the therapist/doctor about the medication, and how it made you feel. There might be some alternatives they could try, but you won't know unless you discuss it with a pro. The details of your past treatment may well have not been passed on, so it's worth mentioning it.

 

[default]

But my girl is strong, and she's working through it. She does need me though, and I want to be there for her.

Hello again
I think it might be a good idea if your girlfriend keeps a diary of exactly what is going on at home that puts her in any danger(and then hide it safe, obviously). She should know to go to the police if anything truly serious happens, but if she is unsure how serious things are then keeping a dated record will give her some ammunition if the worst should happen. If things are getting swept under the carpet then she needs to keep some kind of record. It is some evidence, just in case.

As for your depression issues you should talk to the therapist/doctor about the medication, and how it made you feel. There might be some alternatives they could try, but you won't know unless you discuss it with a pro. The details of your past treatment may well have not been passed on, so it's worth mentioning it.

Hello again, and thankyou for all your help

Well we both hope that nothign else will happen and that it was a one time thing. But if it DOES happen again then social security will be called, by me or by one of the dozens of people my girlfriend has told about it. She's fairly secure in that sense. But yeah, evidence would be good.

I'll just have to re-book my appointment with my therapist... it's just getting around to it that's the problem >_>

 

[Elvis Starburst]

I have actually considered the military, but also the Fire Department and I'm in the process of signing up to be a volunteer in the State Emergency Service. I feel that it would help me feel like I'm accomplishing something and making a difference, which would all help out.

And yeah, but I'm not completely sure that she's safe at home which is another reason I want her out of there and about as much as possible. There was an... incident with her mother's partner about a month ago... It's all been swept under the mat for the time being, but my girlfriend does not trust her mother or her partner anymore. But it sure as hell didn't help out my situation and made me feel helpless. But my girl is strong, and she's working through it. She does need me though, and I want to be there for her.

An incident...? That worries me... (wonders what happened... If it's not right to post it here, PM me maybe?)

I do agree with the posts that some sort of evidence or record should be made if anything like this happens again. If this type of thing continues any longer, then yes, the police should get involved. I know it'd be very difficult for her, and for anyone involved. But if her mother's own daughter is not able to go out, have much of a social life, and live in the hell that she's trapped in at home, then she's basically a hostage. Social Services or the police might be the best future option...

 

[CruisingForBiddies]

I'm going through some pretty severe depression (attempted suicide four, nearly five times, over 30 cutting scars and multiple dangerous habits I'm trying to quit) and I am incredibly lonely. I'm unemployed, I'm not at school at the moment and I'm stuck all alone looking for work. I don't know what to do. I have nothing except for her. I'm on the point of breakdown constantly. I feel so helpless.

These are problems for you and a licensed medical professional to fix, not your girlfriend. Staking your happiness and life on your relationship is extremely unfair to her, because you're essentially saying that if she fails to make you happy enough, you'll kill yourself. You're holding yourself hostage.

I wholeheartedly agree, it may seem like a good idea to pour your heart out to your girlfriend but it is very unfair to her. That kind of pressure and tension could put a huge strain on your relationship. Feel free to talk to her about it but those problems are for psychiatrists.