A Question of Teenaged Morality: Or, Why Am I Asking You This Question?

[Corvuus]

This is 100% opinion but I 100% believe that you were in the right.

When you listen to people, there is what they say, what they don't say and what they 'mean'.

First of all, based on what you wrote, Bob has a girlfriend (Emily).

Bob, one way or another, was invited or crashes a girl sleepover party... while having a girlfriend and the girlfriend is not at the party. Heck, if Emily even asks Bob "Why were you there, or how did you get there" or why he was asking a girl to walk HIMSELF home. (other posters thought he was walking a girl home? no, girls were sleeping over. He tried to wake up Sarah and have her walk him to his own home). This is enough to show Bob's character regardless.

The girls (Sarah and Amanda) are quite different. Sarah seemingly has the least blame of all (if any since it is just by virtue of her existing, although her response about not telling Emily is interesting), while Amanda is heavily to blame. It also depends on their actual words and response to you about not telling your friend Emily. How you handle Sarah and Amanda is up to you. Girls tend to have 'long' memories though so I'd say Sarah is worth friendship, Amanda is not.

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The main problem is that people did things that they shouldn't have and then find an excuse/scapegoat for what they did and why. If the girls didn't want anyone to find out what Bob did, then well, they shouldn't talk about it. If they blame you for rocking the boat, well, it is THEIR FAULT. Not yours.

Of course, all of this really depends on what YOU want to happen. If you want Emily to break up with Bob, you could probably accomplish this relatively easily. If you want status quo to continue, then you just say nothing and drift on.

Bob is trash and I wouldn't want him dating my sister.

C

 

[Corvuus]

edit note:

A lot depends on how you handled the actual conversations.

For example: If the main issue is telling Emily that Bob tried to get Sarah to walk him home, then that isn't good. Sarah will say it was joking and she wouldn't go (which she didn't) and she doesnt want you repeating it/blowing it out of proportion.

If, for example, you just told Emily that Bob went to the sleepover, then everything might have gone quite differently and quite badly for Bob.

By focusing on the 'walk home issue', Bob can worm out of it, Emily can understand, etc. If the issue was, "bob, why were you at an all girl sleep over party?" and then Emily asks what happens, why, etc. AND then finds out from Bob that he asked Sarah to walk him home, then he is screwed. Damage control and management.

As for Amanda, couldn't careless what she thinks/does. She could just be annoying that it is 'her fault' that Bob got in trouble, but seriously, she is already prime for drama.

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Sidenote:

In general, girls only have 1-3 'really good' girlfriends with the rest of their 'good' friends being mostly guys. Girls just tolerate (or dislike) all the 'other' girls.

C

 

[the_bearpelt]

It sort of depends on how serious it was that Bob as flirting with Sarah, and how much that would matter to Emily. (Cuz different women will have different views on that sort of thing.)
From what I read, it sounds like you did the right thing. It might be tense for a while, but hopefully Sarah and Amanda will calm down. Frankly, if Bob truly was hitting on Sarah, Emily has every right to be mad at him.
Also, if Sarah and Amanda keep giving you shit for telling Emily, you ought to tell them (diplomatically of course) that it was important to tell Emily and if they can't accept that BOB was the one at fault for flirting, not you, then they can stick it. Because that then means that their perception of the events needs to be corrected. Cuz it sounds to me like they're mad at YOU for being a good, loyal friend who fulfilled your duty as a friend to tell Emily about something important. Even though, really, it's kind of all Bob's fault; he's the one who did something wrong in the first place. Sarah and Amanda, when they've cooled off, might realize that, tho, so I wouldn't go charging in with accusations or anything.

(Oh, and I agree with sunburst313.)

 

[s0denone]

You ratted him out. Not cool.

Alright, that may seem a little ridiculous, but it's my opinion.

You don't rat out on other guys. Leave him to it. Emily is a good friend? That's good. You can comfort her when/if they break up. You can be a friend to her without being a jerk to the guy.

Yes, that's right, I just wrote "jerk" because you did a *right thing*.

It wasn't necessary at all, and in the end worsened everything and bettered nothing. Emily and Bob had a fight and now he's scared to hang out with two of his female friends because Emily is jealous. Sarah and Amanda are angry at you, and won't talk to you.

Why the hell did you tattletale? "I love my friend Sarah". Yes, that's good... Still not good enough.

 

[Chunko]

So, my fellow Escapists, what do you think?

EDIT: In a bit of retrospect, I feel like I should mention that "Emily" is a very close friend of mine, possibly the closest thing I have to a little sister, and I'm very protective of her. Whether that influences opinions or not, i'm not sure.

Yes you did, putting your friend and morality ahead of your own social status is noble.

 

[Freshman]

Maybe "Bob" should learn to keep it in his pants when he's already got a gf. Am i the only one who found it slightly odd that some girls invited over a guy to their sleep over? if the 2 girls invited the 1 guy... then maybe bob was right.

 

[thethingthatlurks]

*sigh* don't stick your nose where it doesn't belong, other people's business in particular. Here's what you do: you make some popcorn and store it in a ziplock bag. Take it with you wherever you go (make fresh as needed), and wait until the shitstorm hits. Nothing is more satisfying than watching stupid people squabble over trivial things while eating popcorn. There, that's a gratuitous life lesson

 

[Freshman]

Sidenote:

In general, girls only have 1-3 'really good' girlfriends with the rest of their 'good' friends being mostly guys. Girls just tolerate (or dislike) all the 'other' girls.
C

Really... this explains much. how did you arrive at this conclusion? I feel that if I understood the process, I would further understand women.

 

[Blindrooster]

ah, highschool drama. Do whatever you think is right man. people will get over it eventually. besides, when you graduate you'll never see alot of them again save your close friends. time heals all things.

 

[Blimey]

Wait, the girl you told about her douchey boyfriend got mad at you?


Sounds like a ***** to me mate. I know she's a good friend of yours and all, but still...

Also, this is why I never went near other peoples issues. Drama.

 

[searron]

Getting invoved in other peoples relationships is a recipie for disaster. Just don't do it. If a guy (or girl) asks you for relationship advice, don't answer. There is nothing good that can come out of getting involved in other peoples drama. Heck, if someone was getting involved in your relationship you wouldn't like it.

 

[Eri]

You ratted him out. Not cool.

Alright, that may seem a little ridiculous, but it's my opinion.

You don't rat out on other guys. Leave him to it. Emily is a good friend? That's good. You can comfort her when/if they break up. You can be a friend to her without being a jerk to the guy.

Yes, that's right, I just wrote "jerk" because you did a *right thing*.

It wasn't necessary at all, and in the end worsened everything and bettered nothing. Emily and Bob had a fight and now he's scared to hang out with two of his female friends because Emily is jealous. Sarah and Amanda are angry at you, and won't talk to you.

Why the hell did you tattletale? "I love my friend Sarah". Yes, that's good... Still not good enough.

If you can't trust your friends, what's the point?

 

[RaphaelsRedemption]

You can tell someone not to put their hand in a deep fat fryer. They won't understand why they can't and will probably be annoyed at you for telling them what to do.

You can tell someone who has more sway over them that they intend to make their hand extra crispy who will in turn stop them. They still won't understand why they can't do it and they will hate you for getting other people involved.

Let people burn themselves, it's the only way they'll learn.

Unfortunately this is true. As much as it hurts, the only way people learn is by experience.

I might have tried to warn your friend Emily in more general terms (i.e. without the actual "he said... and then she said..." reportage) to be careful of what her boyfriend was and was not telling her, but even that may blow right up.

Sometimes the only thing you can do if you really care for someone is to be there to help pick up the pieces afterwards.

Or just go out with Emily?

I don't know....

 

[the protaginist]

Getting invoved in other peoples relationships is a recipie for disaster. Just don't do it. If a guy (or girl) asks you for relationship advice, don't answer. There is nothing good that can come out of getting involved in other peoples drama. Heck, if someone was getting involved in your relationship you wouldn't like it.

The problem with this is I'm already too far into it, I've basically spent the last year as at least 10 of my friends' therapist. I like helping people with their problems, but there are points when i'll actually be more worried about them then I am myself.

Wait, the girl you told about her douchey boyfriend got mad at you?


Sounds like a ***** to me mate. I know she's a good friend of yours and all, but still...

Also, this is why I never went near other peoples issues. Drama.

The girl your talking about, Emily, got mad at her boyfriend, not me. But the one who was offered to walk home with Bob, Sarah, was the one mad at me for telling Emily.

It is a tad confusing, I don't blame you for getting mixed up.

Unfortunately this is true. As much as it hurts, the only way people learn is by experience.

I might have tried to warn your friend Emily in more general terms (i.e. without the actual "he said... and then she said..." reportage) to be careful of what her boyfriend was and was not telling her, but even that may blow right up.

Sometimes the only thing you can do if you really care for someone is to be there to help pick up the pieces afterwards.

Or just go out with Emily?

I don't know....

As said, Emily is the closest thing i have to a little sister, the very idea of that is weird to me..

and actually the way I approached it was basically like this:

Me: Do you tell Bob when your hanging out with male friends outside of school?

Her: Yup.

Me: Does he tell you when he hangs out with female friends outside of school?

Her: Err, he either hasn't been, or he didn't tell me about it. Why?

Me: Well, it's probably nothing, but... *go in story*.

 

[Natdaprat]

Don't get involved. My friends and family always get involved in things that don't concern them, and it fucks them up further down the line. I don't, and my life is so much easier. Only get involved in other peoples affairs if it directly effects you.

 

[UnwishedGunz]

well if shes really that close to you then you did the right thing regardless of what those other people think

i was in an almost similar situation a while back with my asian friend...lets call her famh...her bf was cheating on her with my other best friend...lets call her jenny...and jenny says if i told famh that she'll get all of my friends to stop talking to me

i still told famh cause even if i already have 2 sisters...they both annoy me and famh is the best fake little sister i have >:O

 

[zehydra]

Yeah, I think you did the right thing, however, not doing it wouldn't have been wrong either.

 

[Blimey]

Wait, the girl you told about her douchey boyfriend got mad at you?


Sounds like a ***** to me mate. I know she's a good friend of yours and all, but still...

Also, this is why I never went near other peoples issues. Drama.

The girl your talking about, Emily, got mad at her boyfriend, not me. But the one who was offered to walk home with Bob, Sarah, was the one mad at me for telling Emily.

It is a tad confusing, I don't blame you for getting mixed up.

Okay, so Sarah and this Amanda girl are pissed at you, but your friend Emily will still talk to you?

 

[Hexenwolf]

Don't worry. Its a rookie mistake. You never, ever, ever, get involved in other peoples relationships.
If your brothers wife hits on you, you just refuse and do your best to forget it ever happened.
All it does is cause problems, the person you tell will not thank you, the other party will hate you for telling on them and in this particular case you were just telling stuff you think might have happened. Especially since you picked this up from eaves dropping.

In future, mind your own business. You were indeed in the wrong.

I don't quite agree with this.

If I think the person my brother is married to is cheating on him, you can bet your ass I'll tell him. Screw what she thinks, blood is thicker than water, and he deserves to know.

On the other hand, what you should tell who is most definitely a case by case thing, there is no "cover every situation" rule.

For example, in this particular case, you were most definitely in the wrong. As Konrad said, "you were just telling stuff you think might have happened," and you picked it up from eaves dropping no less. You weren't there, and you don't really know what happened. That's a pretty weak position to be coming from when you're talking about destroying someone else's relationship.

For an example where you should tell (that's less extreme than a brother's cheating wife), look at this post:

i was in an almost similar situation a while back with my asian friend...lets call her famh...her bf was cheating on her with my other best friend...lets call her jenny...and jenny says if i told famh that she'll get all of my friends to stop talking to me

i still told famh cause even if i already have 2 sisters...they both annoy me and famh is the best fake little sister i have >:O

When you know for a fact what's going on, then it's a good time to let the truth be free.