A Relationship Dilemma

[Paladin426]

Recently, I have started a relationship with a girl who lives some way away. Starting this relationship means the misery of my friend who "dated" her for about two weeks and most of what was felt was fanciful imagination on his part. Since the start of our relationship, he has become more and more depressed and refuses to listen to any advice anyone gives him.
My girlfriend has tried to become friends with my xbox live friends but there are some who, at first seemed fine with her, but now are completely against us. One, to our faces(ears over headset) he claims he just disapproves of long distance relationships and that he is unhappy with what we did to our friend, and yet when we are gone, he talks about how he doesn't even want to talk to her. He and several others claim that I have forced her down his throats by having her in parties. My brother-in-law, at one point, commented on how she seemed too cool for our friend, but now he mutes her in parties and refuses to talk to her. I just don't understand why they act like this. They don't even try to be friendly. They are good people and I don't want to not be their friend, but when they lie to us about how they feel and why they don't want to talk to both of us, it makes me mad.
As it stands, if I want to talk to my friends, I can't bring my girlfriend because they act like this. I don't want to ignore my girlfriend or lose my friends.

So I ask, what should we do?

 

[artanis_neravar]

Well it depends, either your friends are complete asses, or you can't see how annoying your gf is to them

EDIT: No offense intended

 

[artanis_neravar]

Recently, I have started a relationship with a girl who lives some way away. Starting this relationship means the misery of my friend who "dated" her for about two weeks and most of what was felt was fanciful imagination on his part. Since the start of our relationship, he has become more and more depressed and refuses to listen to any advice anyone gives him.

Also some questions
1. How far away does she live?
2. Have you ever met her?
3. How did the relationship with her and your friend end and how long after that did you start dating her?

 

[Paladin426]

Recently, I have started a relationship with a girl who lives some way away. Starting this relationship means the misery of my friend who "dated" her for about two weeks and most of what was felt was fanciful imagination on his part. Since the start of our relationship, he has become more and more depressed and refuses to listen to any advice anyone gives him.

Also some questions
1. How far away does she live?
2. Have you ever met her?
3. How did the relationship with her and your friend end and how long after that did you start dating her?

1. I'm in Indiana, she's in Pennsylvania.
2. I have met her.
3. She broke up with him based on his pessimism and insecurities and it was about two weeks or so. I know, too soon.

 

[artanis_neravar]

Recently, I have started a relationship with a girl who lives some way away. Starting this relationship means the misery of my friend who "dated" her for about two weeks and most of what was felt was fanciful imagination on his part. Since the start of our relationship, he has become more and more depressed and refuses to listen to any advice anyone gives him.

Also some questions
1. How far away does she live?
2. Have you ever met her?
3. How did the relationship with her and your friend end and how long after that did you start dating her?

1. I'm in Indiana, she's in Pennsylvania.
2. I have met her.
3. She broke up with him based on his pessimism and insecurities and it was about two weeks or so. I know, too soon.

Ok, then I can see why your friend is in a bad place, in his mind she dumped him for you. As to the rest of your friends, something must be bothering them, either she said something they didn't like or they feel like you are pandering to her and ignoring them, or your other friend got to them and convinced them you stole her. Or the could just be jerks

 

[Paladin426]

-snip-

-snip-

Also some questions
1. How far away does she live?
2. Have you ever met her?
3. How did the relationship with her and your friend end and how long after that did you start dating her?

1. I'm in Indiana, she's in Pennsylvania.
2. I have met her.
3. She broke up with him based on his pessimism and insecurities and it was about two weeks or so. I know, too soon.

Ok, then I can see why your friend is in a bad place, in his mind she dumped him for you. As to the rest of your friends, something must be bothering them, either she said something they didn't like or they feel like you are pandering to her and ignoring them, or your other friend got to them and convinced them you stole her. Or the could just be jerks

She told him very clearly that she didn't leave him for me. He's the one who gave me her number and insisted that I be with her. At least he did at first. I don't know why he would do this if it would make him feel like this. As for ignoring them, I've tried playing with all of them and her. They complain about that too. My brother-in-law claimed that our friend had nothing to do with it.

 

[artanis_neravar]

snip

OK, well then no idea why your friend is in a bad place. Have you tried sitting down with your brother in law and asking what its about?

 

[Paladin426]

snip

OK, well then no idea why your friend is in a bad place. Have you tried sitting down with your brother in law and asking what its about?

We have talked about it. That's were the "shoving her down their throats" came from, actually.
And my friend just has this incredibly pessimistic view that he will be alone forever and that no one will ever like him and his friends will replace him. We try to help him but he doesn't listen to us.

 

[artanis_neravar]

snip

OK, well then no idea why your friend is in a bad place. Have you tried sitting down with your brother in law and asking what its about?

We have talked about it. That's were the "shoving her down their throats" came from, actually.
And my friend just has this incredibly pessimistic view that he will be alone forever and that no one will ever like him and his friends will replace him. We try to help him but he doesn't listen to us.

I had a roommate in college who had a girlfriend that we all hated, she was awkward and inappropriate and plain rude, but he didn't see any of that at all. So maybe there is just something off hand that she says of does that they don't like.

 

[zombiesinc]

Recently, I have started a relationship with a girl who lives some way away. Starting this relationship means the misery of my friend who "dated" her for about two weeks and most of what was felt was fanciful imagination on his part. Since the start of our relationship, he has become more and more depressed and refuses to listen to any advice anyone gives him.

He seems incredibly bitter towards the situation, or with his life in general. If you've tried to offer support and advice, but he refuses to take it, it's no longer something you should allow yourself to focus on. You've offered, he's ignored, leave him be. If he really wants to feel miserable all the time, that's his choice. You can't force a person to take advice or want to make a change in their life.

You mentioned that your girlfriend was very clear in expressing that she didn't leave him for you, but regardless of how clear or true that is, he may refuse it altogether, which seems the be the situation. He needs time to either move on, or accept the reality. This may take a very long time if he continues to ignore what people say, and any advice given, but that's his problem. Again, he won't get past something unless he wants to, so trying to force him to see logic or reality isn't going to get anyone anywhere.

My girlfriend has tried to become friends with my xbox live friends but there are some who, at first seemed fine with her, but now are completely against us. One, to our faces(ears over headset) he claims he just disapproves of long distance relationships and that he is unhappy with what we did to our friend, and yet when we are gone, he talks about how he doesn't even want to talk to her. He and several others claim that I have forced her down his throats by having her in parties.

So, it seems they have 'sided' with this guy, and feel as if you and her have done something unforgivable. Again, this is something they either need to accept, or ignore. You can't do much beyond what you've already done. If they're going to stubborn and immature to the point of simply muting your girlfriend or refusing to talk to her, their loss and their problem. I can understand that it's likely very frustrating for you, but beyond explaining the situation to them and trying to get past it yourself, there's nothing you can do.

My brother-in-law, at one point, commented on how she seemed too cool for our friend, but now he mutes her in parties and refuses to talk to her.

Not much of a brother-in-law, really. Sounds just as immature and stubborn as the others. As I said above, it's ultimately their choice if they want to accept this reality or continue doing what they're doing. There's little point in stressing over it, because you've made an effort to explain yourself and be civil with everyone.

I just don't understand why they act like this. They don't even try to be friendly. They are good people and I don't want to not be their friend, but when they lie to us about how they feel and why they don't want to talk to both of us, it makes me mad.

I'm sure they're good people, but they've likely decided which side of the story they agree with, and don't want to compromise or make an effort to make things enjoyable for everyone involved. That being said however, keep in mind that what the two of you did do certainly does look bad from the other side of the stick. But things have happened, and if the two of you are happy with one another, you just gotta move on. There's no point in trying to defend yourself to people who have already made up their mind. Of course it'll suck if you have to separate your XBL time between your friends, and your girlfriend, but there's not much you can do at this point.

As it stands, if I want to talk to my friends, I can't bring my girlfriend because they act like this. I don't want to ignore my girlfriend or lose my friends.

As I said, just spend time with them separately, at least for now. May not be an ideal situation, but it's a temporary solution that should minimize the amount of trivial drama between everyone and allow you guys to enjoy yourselves. Hopefully over time they'll lighten up and make at least some effort to be friendly. If not... that's disappointing, and possibly a point in which you'll have to decide whether they're really good friends or not.

Best of luck.