A thought exercise for budding megalomaniacs

[Saskwach]

Besides our incessant zombie preparations (remember, it's not paranoia if they really are out to get you) the one issue that truly binds all Escapists is that every one of us secretly desires to rule the world - and many have planned out how. While I would never ask any of you Escapistians to reveal your secret plans- just as I would never divulge the details of my own How To Take Over The World By 2012 Just To Prove Those Wacko Conspiracy Theorists Right Plan (TM)- I ask that you all bring your best megalomaniac game to this here thought experiment.
If- just if- your plan involved taking over and fortifying one country or small region ("Don't get cocky.") what would that country/region be and how would you do it? List all assumptions and resources needed.

 

[ThePoodonkis]

I will need the money to buy Antarctica. Then I need all of the penguins to know how to use Night-Vision-Goggles and Super advanced laser weapons.

I will also need all of the cats in the United States to hold knives and use NVGs.

Night-Vision-Ninja-Cats are a registered trademark of ThePoodonkis

 

[Zombie_King]

I already posted my solid plan. I would take over some small third world country. I would enlist the help of goons and mercenaries and the like, and promise them their cut of the land. I would have to drain my bank account for things like weapons, armor, transportation, and of course, the deposit for my Thugs. But that third world country would have resources that I could plunder. Once I made the leader of my landing site surrender, we would institute a "Become a Soldier in the Legion(cool name, isn't it?) or die(Well, not die, that's a little harsh. We'd send them out to sea with little resources, and the rest would be up to them.)," policy. We would gain our fair share of recruits, and we would train them in firearms and jujitsu. By now, we'd have a well trained militia of upwards of ten thousand. We haven't conquered the whole country yet, so we'd start doing horizontal and vertical sweeps of the island. Once we've conquered every inch of the island, I'd say we'd have a sizable force, anywhere from 15,000 to 20,000. Let's say 18,000. For the next couple of months, my force would be spent building structures in my Glorius Image, and refortifying the island. Now, we are the Land of the Legion.

 

[Alykat]

When it comes to taking over, I'd go for a country with an over abundance of oil. Saudi Arabia, maybe Venezuela. Depends on my mood. Corporate take-over anyone? She who controls oil, controls the world. Until scientists create a viable alternative that can actually be implemented quickly and completely. Then I will find a way to control that. This scenario is assuming I have mercenaries who will stick around as long as I can pay them (and assuming I can pay them), or until I 'replace' them with loyal guards to eliminate any threat to my reign. Also assumes a surplus of weapons and necessary resources for my mercs, and the ability to eliminate any who stand in my way, quickly, quietly and efficiently. Follow the roman tradition on how to get cities to surrender- line up every person in the city, go down the line and kill every tenth person (i.e., the true meaning of 'decimation') until you've gone through the line once. See if they surrender. If not, fill in the spaces and start again, repeating until the city gives up or no one is left.

 

[Johnn Johnston]

Simple. Find an island in the middle of the Atlantic or the Pacific, where nobody has been before. Become leader of my own country and start doing deals with other nations for the untapped resources under my very feet. All the while, I will be selling waterfront houses to people, with work in the mines and farms for them.

Once that is accomplished, I start enlisting people for a security company. They shall be my army. I do deals with aerospace and nautical companies to get planes and boats. With a small amount of customisation, I have an air force and a navy (not a very big one, but it shall become bigger). Continue to gain money by trading in the stock market. Keep upgrading my forces (army, navy, air force).

Eventually, I shall become the leader of a respected country, with a seat in the UN. No hostility involed, perhaps the claiming of a few more uninhabited islands, but apart from that, it'll all be plain sailing.

 

[kinch]

Why such complex plans? I'm going for the "simple and quick" approach. I'll simply research and invent a drug that can be ingested, such that the drug allows me to take full control of a person using hypnotic suggestion and predetermined key phrases. Then I dump it in the water supply, and boom, instant army with no possible threat of coup or betrayal. The beauty of this system is that using an autonomous army that arent even aware that they're part of the army allows you to use them to take over other countries and the world in the same fashion, with no one suspecting it. No fuss, no muss.

 

[Johnn Johnston]

...such that the drug allows me to take full control of a person using...predetermined key phrases.

Would you kindly take over that country?

 

[Johnn Johnston]

... it's enough to make you pack it all in and go find your zen in the wilderness.

Which is why I chose an island as far away from anyone else as is humanly possible.

 

[Copter400]

I'm still working out the fine details, but my basic idea is this. Cause the world (yes, the whole world, or at least the parts with big armies) to adapt true democracy, when you can vote any old so-and-so in. Run for presidency with big plans to cut down on violence and world hunger.

Using my fiendish charisma, I abolish democracy and make the world my ***** with the help of every last soldier I can get my hands on. But don't worry, I'll be nice.

 

[Lord Krunk]

Panama. I would keep it secret, so I can get my new Pirate Army to steal cargo from the Panama Canal.

With all the boycotted goods and services, I can make millions, have enough weaponry to start a firestorm, and South-Saharan Africa under my control, using food and aid as a bargaining chip.

Using this combined power, and a couple of nukes obtained in Panama, I will launch an assault on all Secret Service bases, and as everyone tries to cover it up, I get my armies to march in there, point a gun up to their leaders' heads, put them on live TV and have them abdicate to me.

Easy and clean, with absolutely no fighting at all.

 

[stompy]

I think I've been over this, but, eh: I'd buy the world. Yes, you heard me, buy it. How? Well, lets just say it involves inciting another Great Depression...

 

[PurpleRain]

It's how I plan to win this election.

I'd take over Denmark first with my gang, my click if you will. Their econmy would stream into our bank acounts and we'll then buy the worlds greatest robot-viking amry this world has seen! The rest, as they say, is history.

 

[Cerebrium]

...such that the drug allows me to take full control of a person using...predetermined key phrases.

Would you kindly take over that country?

A MAN CHOOSES! A SLAVE OBEYS!

 

[Sibbo]

Hmmmmmmm, i reckon id go with the "comrades the current govenrment is oppressing you.... you should let me do it instead" kinda thing. Either that or i'd make a country, in australia or sumthing, create state in Nth Qld, become premier and slowly remove it from the rest of the nation.

 

[Alphavillain]

I'd just make sure I was elected President Of The United States Of America. Then I could do what the hell I wanted.

 

[Rolling Thunder]

Let's just say it involves a hell of a lot of explosives.....

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

[Fnord]In true Machiavelli style, I'll wait for someone else to do it, then assassinate them with a lone gunman. From a grassy knoll. [/Fnord]

 

[Johnn Johnston]

I'd take over Denmark first with my gang, my click if you will. Their econmy would stream into our bank acounts and we'll then buy the worlds greatest robot-viking amry this world has seen! The rest, as they say, is history.

If only History lessons were that interesting.

"And now, class, we learn about the robo-vikings in the War of the Lasers, where they fought...Petey?"
"The ninjas, sir!"

 

[bassie302]

Taking over the world is one thing, but when observing the massive piles of shit inhabiting the world I occasionally feel much better without any 'world'. Hence my 5-step plan to destroy this shitty lump of mud, taking in acount the still unknown hero stereotype that'll be sent to kill me before I unleash merry havoc on this world.

1. get a 4-year old associate to test every part of your plan. If he succeeds within one minute, change that part of your scheme

2. get 1 Fairly Improbable Rocket Engine (named FIRE from here on, and probably for sale at Wall-mart) and place it on a nice abandoned (preferably haunted to keep people away) island somewhere in South America. With the FIRE installed, you and your associate devise a variety of traps to stop or slow the hero stereotype.

3. hire a few henchmen to set things up, but don't keep em for when the hero shows up. Their incompetence will be disastrous to your plans.

4. When you do get the hero as your prisoner for a small period (somehow he always gets caught for a moment), don't give him a chance to get away or destroy the FIRE. Just grab the nearest gun and ventilate his brain, no more, no less. On that note, always carry at least one firearm with you for these situations.

5. Make sure to have a space station ready with a lifetime supply of food and water. On the very last moment, lock down all controls to the FIRE (off-switches are for sissies), get to your station and press the big glowing red button to watch the FIRE propel the planet into the sun. Do not forget to laugh maniacally when pressing said button.