A variety of problems

[Esotera]

I'm not normally one to turn to a forum for stuff like this, but I really love the tone here on the escapist and have seen how helpful people can be, so here goes:

I've just moved house to Guildford and within a day, I already hate the place. I'm not used to living near to so many people and so much going on is like sensory overload, I've been living in quiet suburbs or countryside for all my life. I'm far away from any of my friends, and I only ever talk to one or two of them these days anyway, and it's just a fleeting conversation when I do.

I don't have any choice about living here unfortunately, as this is where I'm supposed to spending a year on placement doing a job as part of my degree. But I already know for certain that I've failed one exam last semester, and have a massive suspicion that I've failed at least another two this semester, which means in the best case, I'll get a shit grade on my degree, or the worst case, I'll be kicked off the course and don't know what will happen with the job.

I have a history of mental illness and it got pretty bad in my final year of A-levels, where I was hallucinating every day and feeling intense paranoia, not sleeping til about 3/4 and waking up a few hours after this, et cetera. I got a diagnosis of reactive psychosis, which basically means they think it was triggered by an intense period of stress, which is what I've been consistently feeling for the past couple of years, and what I think might have contributed to my shitty exam results. I keep thinking up ways to kill myself pretty much every day, but now is the only time where it's seemed like a genuine option. Most of all I don't want to get sectioned or put on those fucking drugs again, or lose my mind even further. And the team that looked after me last time is unofficially going to be disbanded next year under the government cuts, I couldn't even see them because of my location, and I don't want to go to a general mental health team because I know for sure they'll put me on drugs, because of some of the fucked up attitudes towards women/race my delusions bring, and the fixation on self-harm.

I'm also massively in debt from student loans, and it gets worse every day, I'm in for something like £12k at the moment, and have no idea how I'm going to be able to pay it back. I've been pushed really hard ever since I was a kid to go to university and do something really professional, but I absolutely detest the place. I'd rather be doing something real and physical, that shows immediate benefits and is satisfying, but won't be able to get it as I have no real experience in anything like that. On top of all this I've got to set a role model for at least two of my brothers, and pretty much continue to look after the youngest one as he has Down's Syndrome and tends to get overlooked after school. For the last month I've been watching TV and stuff with him in the evenings, and probably the worst thing about being here is that I can't do this anymore and I know he's alone. I've also essentially been told that my Grandad can barely move around anymore due to complications from a heart attack, and that there's no chance of recovery to his old self, so there's only a matter of time before we have yet another death in the family.

My number one aim in life is to keep my sanity, and after that to live a simple and stressfree life, without being in debt, and remaining close to family. Now I don't have a fucking clue how to deal with all these things at once, and I don't want to go crazy again. So I thought I could use some outside opinions. Sorry for completely unloading all this, and hopefully it makes a coherent post.

 

[Jonny Newcombe]

I'll offer what advice I can.

Guildford isn't bad place. Find something that appeals to you, or something that you're interested in and join a club or class. You'll meet people and that will make life in a strange place a whole lot easier. There are quiet places in and around Guildford, find them.

Placements now will help you out massively when you graduate. Think long term and put up with the rubbish. Even if you get a rubbish degree a great reference will count for a lot.

Universities don't like to kick folk out, it costs them money and affects there stats. They'll give you plenty of kicks up the backside first, kicking you out will be a last resort.

I've never suffered with mental illness apart from mild depression so I'm not best to advise but find someone talk to, counselor, family, Samaritans, whoever. Regardless of how awful you feel never act on depressed suicidal thoughts, you'll hurt more people than you think as well as rule out any possibility of enjoying your life when things get better.

Everyone has fucked up attitudes towards something. Embrace it or reject it and work hard to develop different attitudes. Don't dwell. It might not make you a better person but might make you more comfortable in your own skin.

I had nearly 30k debt when I left uni. Student loan is a pain when you start earning but won't ever bite you in the ass. All other debt can be written off if absolutely necessary, but keep making minimum payment and creditors will love you. If you can't, declare bankruptcy. It'll hurt any money borrowing you want to do for 6 - 10 years but being forced to stay in the black isn't a bad thing and the burden of debt will be off your mind.

If you hate the idea of being a professional, then sign up as a charity volunteer in Africa or South America, you won't get paid but you'll have a bed and they'll feed you, there's not a huge amount expected of you and you'll meet plenty of people doing the same thing.

How does someone get experience? Experience isn't a magical thing that some people have and some don't. Experience is life and you're still at the beginning of yours. Don't concern yourself with experience, it'll come to you no matter what.

Don't concern yourself too much with your brothers, they'll have their own shit to deal with no matter what. Just be a friend to them and don't judge them too harshly. If they screw up it is their fault, not yours.

As for the youngest with Down's, just be a friend. I assume your parents aren't complete dumb asses, let them do the parental stuff, you just do what you can and what you comfortable with. I'm sure there's several support groups that can help your little bro with social stuff as well. I've worked with Down's sufferers and they've had great support guys who are young and energetic and more than happy to take them out on excursions, help them settle to new situations and generally offer friendly support whenever it's needed. Also, most of these people genuinely aren't in it for money. The pay is rubbish. They do it because they want to.

My Grandma s 96 and pretty much lives between bed and a chair. Its hard but a fact of life that as people get old their bodies slowly give out on them. Your grandad won't expect a whole lot from you, he'll know as much as anyone how difficult it is for you because he will have dealt with similar things in his life.

Your aims sound good and achievable for where you are at right now. You can definitely achieve them. For now focus on short term goals, as you start achieving the little things and gain more confidence then start looking at the bigger picture.

I hope this helps at least a little.

If you're wondering about me, I'm currently a learning support worker, have been a youth support worker and I'm hoping to be a fully fledged lecturer in the next academic year. I've based most of what I've said on personal experience, experiences of friends and of people I've worked with. If you need to you can PM me, I'm not great at checking it but will reply in time.