A very strange request.

[Episode42]

Ok, i'm not totally sure where to start with this, but i'll start randomly and hopefully end up with something coherent.

So i've never been the biggest social junkie, i can go for very long periods of time without speaking to anyone and for parts of my life i have done. While this is alright it does mean i get very lonely.

I have a certain amount of social-phobia, you could say, in that i have a lot of trouble communicating with people either in the real world or online and especially in groups.
However, it's not something i enjoy. I have the usual barriers of depression and generalised self-loathing but i've semi-learned to live with these problems.

I joined the Escapist as i saw a great community of intelligent, interesting people but i don't really feel like a part of aforementioned community. It's more like shouting in a crowded room of people all shouting. (No offence to anyone here, it's an opinion)

So over the past couple of days certain things have happened that have made me realise just how alone in this world i am. Obviously my first port of call will be the Drs to see if i can receive some anti-depressants and hopefully some sort of anti-anxiety medication which with any luck will bring me into a near state of a normal functional human being.

This wouldn't however solve my problem of not knowing anyone. I know i could rush out and talk to random people in the street, but small steps. So i figured i'd start here and hopefully people will be either so moved by my plight or overwhelmed with pity that they might want to have conversations with me that might lead to online friendships. I realise how pathetic this might all come across as, but i'm out of ideas.

I don't think i'm stupid and i can generally hold a conversation with people about things that i'm interested in (the usual movies, games, music etc etc) and i don't think i'm obnoxious to speak to. I just don't seem to be able to make friends and allow people into my life easily. So i have to start somewhere.

So i guess in the TLR version, i'm looking for friends.

 

[chaosyoshimage]

Same here, although living isolated in the middle of nowhere is probably my main problem. I have no clue how one starts an online friendship either, I've talked to a few people for awhile, but then the conversation ends and we never start another one. Basically, I'm just as bad as you are at socializing...

 

[Episode42]

Same here, although living isolated in the middle of nowhere is probably my main problem. I have no clue how one starts an online friendship either, I've talked to a few people for awhile, but then the conversation ends and we never start another one. Basically, I'm just as bad as you are at socializing...

It's the same as me, i can start speaking to someone but it begins to fizzle out until they become another strange name on a friends list. Hence i'm trying to get around that problem.
I suppose my overall goal is to find people i can chat to about anything, but you have to start somewhere.

 

[Smiles]

Hey, I know what you mean. I used to have that problem and didn't really grow out of socially stigmatizing myself until I got out of high school. Then I decided that If there was something I wanted to do or new things I wanted to try I wouldn't let my fear get the better of me. Believe me it wasn't as easy as it sounds.

Anyway I managed to find a local game store with people who had similar interests as me and manage to find a lot of people I can now call friends!

Also, I was just wondering what games you play, maybe we have some that align. I find it is easy to make friends over games, as long as everybody is just out to have fun.

 

[Slash Dementia]

I feel that lots of times anywhere I am. Also, it's not a strange request. I'm sending you a friend request after I post this.

I've had the same problems, and I still do. Since I was 11 (I'm 21 now), I have had really bad social anxiety, and it's weird because before that I was really social and outgoing. It forced me to drop out of high school because of how bad it was, and it's so difficult to find a job or do anything really. I started going to college and it helped a bit. I've made three friends that I talk to kind of regularly. It's a very difficult road to get through, but it's not impossible. You just have to take a hold of your fear and know that nothing exactly bad will happen when you confront that fear.

 

[Episode42]

Anyway I managed to find a local game store with people who had similar interests as me and manage to find a lot of people I can now call friends!

Also, I was just wondering what games you play, maybe we have some that align. I find it is easy to make friends over games, as long as everybody is just out to have fun.

I don't think i'm quite at the stage yet where i'm ready to start hanging out in random game shops, talking to random people, as interesting as that sounds, lol

As far as games go, it's rather varied but not that long. Through Steam it's mostly Valve games, especially Left 4 Dead 1 and 2. Where-as on the PS3 it's primarily GT5, Fallout 3/New Vegas, Borderlands and i'm still trying to complete Dead Island.

But hey, i'll add you anyway, You never know.

I feel that lots of times anywhere I am. Also, it's not a strange request. I'm sending you a friend request after I post this.

I've had the same problems, and I still do. Since I was 11 (I'm 21 now), I have had really bad social anxiety, and it's weird because before that I was really social and outgoing. It forced me to drop out of high school because of how bad it was, and it's so difficult to find a job or do anything really. I started going to college and it helped a bit. I've made three friends that I talk to kind of regularly. It's a very difficult road to get through, but it's not impossible. You just have to take a hold of your fear and know that nothing exactly bad will happen when you confront that fear.

Alright, i think you might have it a lot worse than me, although i work bizarre hours, so being social is incredibly difficult to organise. Hence i figured i'd begin online.
Thankyou for the advice though. Strangely i haven't looked at it like that before.

 

[Thunderclam]

As someone with a wee bit of social anxiety, I'll lend you my aid! I had a similar realization a few years ago. I had graduated high school, and my circle of friends started shrinking as my friends went their separate ways. I had about 3 friends at the time, and my social anxiety was interfering with how I wanted to live my life. I decided to try counseling, and I feel it worked out pretty well. I've got a pretty active social life now, and I feel more comfortable talking with strangers. I agree with Slash, it's not a weird request at all. It's not pathetic to try and have online friendships either. I personally have a fair number of online friends and acquaintances. I think it's a good idea. I'm sending you a friend request too. It's not something that will happen overnight, but you will see progress if you keep trying. Hopefully at least some of this makes sense or is helpful.

 

[Episode42]

As someone with a wee bit of social anxiety, I'll lend you my aid! I had a similar realization a few years ago. I had graduated high school, and my circle of friends started shrinking as my friends went their separate ways. I had about 3 friends at the time, and my social anxiety was interfering with how I wanted to live my life. I decided to try counseling, and I feel it worked out pretty well. I've got a pretty active social life now, and I feel more comfortable talking with strangers. I agree with Slash, it's not a weird request at all. It's not pathetic to try and have online friendships either. I personally have a fair number of online friends and acquaintances. I think it's a good idea. I'm sending you a friend request too. It's not something that will happen overnight, but you will see progress if you keep trying. Hopefully at least some of this makes sense or is helpful.

Makes a lot more sense than it looks. I could say that a lot of it is down to me and i've been content to keep people at a certain distance, but after nearly a decade, it's getting old now.
I agree that it's not something that's going to happen overnight, but strangely i do enjoy learning about people. So while it'll be rather odd for me to try and be more of a social creature, right now i'm cautiously upbeat about the whole thing

 

[phazaar]

If you're ever in the 'more like a brother' place (I was an expert at getting here in school) with some of the REALLY 'popular' (you know, stunning, desired, at a party every evening etc) girls, you'll come to realise that everything you've just described, whilst yes possibly magnified by psychological issues, are things everyone feels from day to day. If you've been to college, you might have missed the 'freshers week' kind of feeling, and if not, look forward to it. It's essentially a sudden realisation that EVERYONE IS REALLY FUCKING ALONE, and DESPERATELY wants to make friends.

The interesting thing is, very few people ever really leave that mentality; we're all a little bit worried that X Y and Z might leave our lives, and it's always nice to feel more wanted (socially) and more sought-after... If you can present yourself to new people in a manner that takes these things into account, they're all the more likely to give you the time of day...

As to how to find these socially situations, I'm sorry I can't really help. My social life has always been either a staggering afront to the idea that 'networking' is necessary as a musician, or a series of haphazard affairs that have got me through troubled times with some interesting stories, but no idea how they came about (like lying on the floor of a bathroom with the prettiest girl in my school in nothing but a skirt - her, not me - burying her face in my... chest [I know what you were thinking] and balling her eyes out about exactly what your post said )...

Best of luck to you though, and to quote something which is getting closer and closer to being my favourite slogan of the past 20-something years, IT GETS BETTER

 

[Galletea]

Making friends on here is dead easy. Once you post your opinions a few times you find like minded folk. Try IRC after a while, most folks on there are pretty cool.

In the outside world it can be difficult to meet new people without coming across as a loon. I would start by just talking to people you know a bit more. Make an effort to chat to them, then they'll be more likely to warm to you. It can be difficult for people to converse with you if you are the quiet one.

Finding social gatherings is tricky, but if you don't know people you could go out with then maybe you could look for local gigs, or something like that, where people do sometimes go on their own, and these small gatherings are the best place to meet people.

I would go for medication as a last resort. Your doctor would probably suggest other things before resorting to pills as it's harder to get properly better on pills.

Good luck, you'll get there.

 

[Spy_Guy]

TLR version, i'm looking for friends.

This is going to sound quite ridiculous, I'm sure, but it helped me, so why not?

Tried Omegle.com?
Now, I know it's a bit of a wretched hive of scum and villainy, at times... however I have met quite a few good friends there. The trick is to use the Spy Mode.
I.e. get into a regular conversation, then, when prompted to enter the Spy mode, hit the "Check it out!" button.
Considerably less perverts and idiots in that chat room, so, I'm sure you'll find someone you like, eventually.

I've met quite a few people I Skype with on a regular basis there. So, while you might not get IRL friends, you're still going to wind up with awesome friends, if your experience is anything like mine.

Apart from that, I suggest joining a smaller community, because they're more tight-knit.

I joined the Escapist as i saw a great community of intelligent, interesting people but i don't really feel like a part of aforementioned community. It's more like shouting in a crowded room of people all shouting. (No offence to anyone here, it's an opinion)

That's a very good way to put it. Most of my posts tend to be written out, then remain unposted, because it's usually quite useless to post them. After all, in a 500 page thread, you're highly unlikely to say something original and/or useful.

 

[Crimson Butterfly]

So i've never been the biggest social junkie, i can go for very long periods of time without speaking to anyone and for parts of my life i have done. While this is alright it does mean i get very lonely.

This is very much me.

I went through the awkward school phase, discovered some good friends at college who understood my odd social habbits but then we all split as life took us in our seperate directions.

It's been 2 years since I left home and I've never really found anyone to share my time with. It's not that I'm not confident. If I really want to I can jump into any situation but actually clicking with people on a deeper level is hard. I never thought I needed people but like you, yeah, I'm feeling the loneliness.

I don't usually use sites for any kind of social networking but hey, if you want a little oddball to chat to occassionally then feel free.

 

[Episode42]

Making friends on here is dead easy. Once you post your opinions a few times you find like minded folk. Try IRC after a while, most folks on there are pretty cool.

In the outside world it can be difficult to meet new people without coming across as a loon. I would start by just talking to people you know a bit more. Make an effort to chat to them, then they'll be more likely to warm to you. It can be difficult for people to converse with you if you are the quiet one.

Finding social gatherings is tricky, but if you don't know people you could go out with then maybe you could look for local gigs, or something like that, where people do sometimes go on their own, and these small gatherings are the best place to meet people.

I would go for medication as a last resort. Your doctor would probably suggest other things before resorting to pills as it's harder to get properly better on pills.

Good luck, you'll get there.

I did try IRC a while ago, but it's one of those things that wasn't bluntly obvious how to use so i sort of stopped trying. I'm confused easily.

As far as the outside world goes, for now, i'm going to leave it alone. Just try to be a decent friend to people online before i begin throwing myself into the faces of people who may punch me. I'm just not ready for that much of a challenge.

I probably should use medication as a last resort, but i'll see what the Dr says on Monday, the fact is i never go to the Dr and as such they'll have to start from scratch. Although eventually i'd like to get myself put into counselling or something.

TLR version, i'm looking for friends.

This is going to sound quite ridiculous, I'm sure, but it helped me, so why not?

Tried Omegle.com?
Now, I know it's a bit of a wretched hive of scum and villainy, at times... however I have met quite a few good friends there. The trick is to use the Spy Mode.
I.e. get into a regular conversation, then, when prompted to enter the Spy mode, hit the "Check it out!" button.
Considerably less perverts and idiots in that chat room, so, I'm sure you'll find someone you like, eventually.

I've met quite a few people I Skype with on a regular basis there. So, while you might not get IRL friends, you're still going to wind up with awesome friends, if your experience is anything like mine.

Apart from that, I suggest joining a smaller community, because they're more tight-knit.

*Snip*

That's a very good way to put it. Most of my posts tend to be written out, then remain unposted, because it's usually quite useless to post them. After all, in a 500 page thread, you're highly unlikely to say something original and/or useful.

I haven't tried Omegle, but then i've not long heard about it. I shall probably give it a try over the next couple of days, if nothing else i'll be able to practice speaking to people i don't know. But i'll ensure i take your advice when i do

Also, i did briefly try another community, set up around a series of podcasts i listen to, however that was TOO tight knit and basically inpenitrable for anyone who wasn't loud and memorable.

I have the same problem with posting though, if threads go beyond a page or two i don't bother to even read them, let alone reply.

 

[Ando85]

snip

Do you have anyone you talk to on a regular basis that seems to be more social than you are? I've noticed I have made most of my friends, thru friends. It is a lot less awkward to meet new people than starting from scratch. Hang out with the person and because they are with you you won't feel alienated. They could help introduce you to their friends. Then everything falls into place.

If you don't have a friend like that, you might have to go out of your way and find the nerve to talk to people that you find interesting. Don't feel bad if you don't click with the person, as there are many more out there. Also sometimes it will be awkward as people typically don't just approach random strangers. Don't let awkward introductions hold you back from trying someone else.

That is about all I can say, so best of luck.

 

[Episode42]

snip

Do you have anyone you talk to on a regular basis that seems to be more social than you are? I've noticed I have made most of my friends, thru friends. It is a lot less awkward to meet new people than starting from scratch. Hang out with the person and because they are with you you won't feel alienated. They could help introduce you to their friends. Then everything falls into place.

If you don't have a friend like that, you might have to go out of your way and find the nerve to talk to people that you find interesting. Don't feel bad if you don't click with the person, as there are many more out there. Also sometimes it will be awkward as people typically don't just approach random strangers. Don't let awkward introductions hold you back from trying someone else.

That is about all I can say, so best of luck.

Honestly, no. Hence the problem, i'm starting from scratch. Plus being able to meet friends of friends would involve large social gatherings, which at this stage still terrify me. But that's step 15, i'm still only on about step 2 of being a 'normally social' person.

The awkwardness is difficult because, as you say, people generally don't talk to random strangers.

Thankyou for the encouragement though

 

[Frezz]

I'm pretty severely introverted, and I value my alone time, but I still have a few good friends, and they came from somewhat awkwardly inserting myself into overheard conversations, or recognizing some ridiculous internet reference on their t-shirt. People connect over unpredictable, sometimes trivial things. The only way to make those connections is to just be where people are.

The biggest step would be finding some sort of social gathering that interests you, and going, even if you don't know anyone. There's no shame in being a wallflower, trust me, I'm practically a pro. :B

Most importantly, try not to worry too much about actively making friends. Don't worry about what people see in you, try instead to take a genuine interest in the people you meet. It shouldn't take long for them to reciprocate.

 

[Gralian]

my first port of call will be the Drs to see if i can receive some anti-depressants

I just want to say that meds won't fix all your problems. It won't make friends suddenly appear for you. It can help with anxiety issues, yes, but you still have to do the legwork and make friends. I say this because as someone with an anxiety disorder myself i did a year of CBT thinking that all my problems would be over - they are not. I could take meds, but it wouldn't ultimately fix anything. I'd still be living as i am now. I'd also say that meds are really a last resort; please try therapy or something similar first, because it can have some truly nasty side-effects. Most people i know who took the stuff told me they'd rather just live with their problems than have to take it again - it's that bad. Diagnoses for things like mental health issues, depression and anxiety issues etc with doctors is still really sketchy and you can't necessarily rely on them for a proper diagnoses. When i went to the doctor's i was given a questionnaire sheet to fill in, and i really have to question how reliable a diagnoses is when its basis is solely from a checklist that you fill in yourself. At the very least, therapy will get you to better understand what is really the issue and why that is; you'll be able to determine if you have depression or anxiety issues and if so help to really specify what is wrong and whether it should be treated with meds.

That said, you're not alone! I know there's a few people here on the escapist who also have problems making friends and getting to know people. It can really feel bizarre at times, how you're expected to just 'glide' through life and make friends, virtual or otherwise. Like it's something that should just happen naturally and if it doesn't it means something may be wrong with you. It's a very frustrating feeling indeed, but the key is to please not dwell on it. Otherwise you end up believing that your situation is more and more hopeless and you end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The biggest danger is avoidance. You may be like me and had opportunities to go out with mates or see people but avoided it for whatever reason; you were nervous about it, you didn't feel like it, you thought people wouldn't be excited to see you. Whatever the reason, the avoidance can feed into itself and you eventually get to a stage where avoiding is a natural and instant reaction. People start to grow distant and before you know it you've placed yourself in an ivory tower and wonder how you got there.

I for one have a really bad tendency to just... stop talking to people. It's not because i don't want to talk to them, it's that i feel i may have nothing of interest to say, or it's better i just don't show myself as being around at all. For whatever reason, i feel it's best to stay hidden rather than face potential problems and convince myself that i'm perfectly happy to be by myself. I follow the ostrich philosophy of burying my head in the sand and that is a self-destructive road that becomes its own self-fulfilling philosophy when people just stop trying.

Just... be happy with yourself, be confident, and don't be afraid to drop people a line. Sometimes, people can surprise at how willing they are to connect and open up. As long as you tell yourself you want to change your lifestyle and break the shackles of solitude, it'll happen in due course.

 

[dmase]

Reading this I think you would feel very awkward walking into a store and smiling at somebody that was near you. The internet could be a good way to start because it allows anonymity but I think you should probably embrace reality. How about going to a mall that is the town over and walking through the mall and saying high to everyone you pass, making eye contact and smiling each time. And this is everyone not just the people that are looking in your general direction. You still have the anonymity while getting rid of the awkward feeling.

 

[Episode42]

my first port of call will be the Drs to see if i can receive some anti-depressants

I just want to say that meds won't fix all your problems. It won't make friends suddenly appear for you. It can help with anxiety issues, yes, but you still have to do the legwork and make friends. I say this because as someone with an anxiety disorder myself i did a year of CBT thinking that all my problems would be over - they are not. I could take meds, but it wouldn't ultimately fix anything. I'd still be living as i am now. I'd also say that meds are really a last resort; please try therapy or something similar first, because it can have some truly nasty side-effects. Most people i know who took the stuff told me they'd rather just live with their problems than have to take it again - it's that bad. Diagnoses for things like mental health issues, depression and anxiety issues etc with doctors is still really sketchy and you can't necessarily rely on them for a proper diagnoses. When i went to the doctor's i was given a questionnaire sheet to fill in, and i really have to question how reliable a diagnoses is when its basis is solely from a checklist that you fill in yourself. At the very least, therapy will get you to better understand what is really the issue and why that is; you'll be able to determine if you have depression or anxiety issues and if so help to really specify what is wrong and whether it should be treated with meds.

Alas i am all too aware of how medication can be mis-prescribed, but at this stage i literally have no experience of anything. I figure anti-depressants would be a logical step to take. I'm also acutely aware that this isn't going to fix everything.
This is one part of a whole 'I need to fix my life' thing, rather than simply 'Take this pill and everything will be sunshine and rainbow' however i need to start somewhere and i need to stop feeling unhappy all the time. I'll wait and see what the Dr says.
I have no doubt that therapy will probably be involved somewhere down the line. But i'll have to cross that bridge when i get there.

The biggest danger is avoidance. You may be like me and had opportunities to go out with mates or see people but avoided it for whatever reason; you were nervous about it, you didn't feel like it, you thought people wouldn't be excited to see you. Whatever the reason, the avoidance can feed into itself and you eventually get to a stage where avoiding is a natural and instant reaction. People start to grow distant and before you know it you've placed yourself in an ivory tower and wonder how you got there.

I for one have a really bad tendency to just... stop talking to people. It's not because i don't want to talk to them, it's that i feel i may have nothing of interest to say, or it's better i just don't show myself as being around at all. For whatever reason, i feel it's best to stay hidden rather than face potential problems and convince myself that i'm perfectly happy to be by myself. I follow the ostrich philosophy of burying my head in the sand and that is a self-destructive road that becomes its own self-fulfilling philosophy when people just stop trying.

I do have a bad habit of avoiding social functions. But again, throwing myself into situations that i KNOW i'll find uncomfortable would probably be a good thing and i shall be making an effort to overcome this.
Also, this tendency to avoid people i know VERY well. I've managed to make friends before, but slowly they drift away and before long there is such a gaping chasm that any attempt to rekindle that would just be awkward.
However this, again, is something i'm going to try and work on. With online people at first that i can simply enjoy from the psychological safety of my house then move onto trying to make real-world friends.

Just... be happy with yourself, be confident, and don't be afraid to drop people a line. Sometimes, people can surprise at how willing they are to connect and open up. As long as you tell yourself you want to change your lifestyle and break the shackles of solitude, it'll happen in due course.

Thankyou, Thankyou a thousand times over. I honestly can't begin to say how lovely and supportive everyone has been and how much this has spurred me on to try and be more outgoing and social.

Especially:

.

.

.

.

.

You're all wonderful people

 

[ultrachicken]

I think you'll find that a massive portion of the people on this website have a similar disposition. While I wouldn't say I have social anxiety or depression, I'm still not that outgoing, so I can relate.

I'm shooting you a friend request, PM me whenever you like.