Ash's attempt at sleeping hadn't been too successful. There was a lot on his mind, worries, questions, memories... Finally, he had gotten out of bed, put on what he had of clothes -although none of his armor- and gone downstairs. People were still celebrating, most of the mages having gone inside after the funeral. He noticed that Jacques was missing, though.
And here I thought I might have a chance to ask some questions.
Asking one of the mages, eyes fixed on the floor as he did, he was told that Jacques was still outside. Another of them mentioned something about Ash's lightning, a question, he thought, but he ignored it, just went outside, to see the older man standing over the embers of the funeral pyre. Ash wasn't sure what to say, he had never experienced a loss. Or, at least he hoped he hadn't, that all of those nightmares had simply been that.
"I'm sorry for your loss," Ash finally said, looking at the embers himself. He couldn't bring himself to continue, and just waited for a response.
Jacques was silent for a long moment, simply staring down at the pyre. Finally he muttered something in a language Ash wasn't familiar with then turned to the Qunari.
"It's... quite alright," he said "he was my student, I thought I had killed him. At least, at least now he is with the maker."
Ash nodded, though he felt the urge to mention why the mage had reached out to the demon, being covered in snow, helpless. In a way, Jacques had killed him. "The veil was thinner there," he just said. "The demon had an easy time slipping through. Duty showed me that, he..." he trailed off, looking up. Unsure of how to continue, Ash seemed rather uneasy as he stood there. it was cold, but he barely noticed, embers next to him, and his mind racing, trying to find out how to continue.
"Sorry, I shouldn't talk about that. Anyways, if you don't mind, I had some questions... this is the first time I've ever spoken to another mage that knew I also was one. Normally, I wouldn't have dared, but with how the world is now, I assume you have better things to do than try to kill me."
"Why would I ever try to kill you?" Jacques said, sounding confused, then sighed and shook his head "nevermind, if you have questions then ask I will answer as best I can. In exchange, could you tell me what this spirit showed you? About how the demon took him? I... I buried him there, I had hoped he had at least died quickly, knowing what happened might.... well at least I'd know what to feel guilty about."
"Kill me or make me a tranquil, much the same thing," Ash replied, but he nodded. "Okay, if you really want to know, I'll tell you afterwards. As for questions..." he bit his lip, considering what to ask about first.
"I suppose I already posed the first question. Why would the circle harm mages outside it? I know that everything is a bit different now, but... I've always wondered. What could you gain?" He emphasised the "you" as he spoke without intending to, and he added; "or they. I don't know, perhaps you as an individual are different,."
"Mages outside the circle? Well before the rebellion came the Templars would try to bring them in, said they were a threat if they weren't watched, might succumb to demons, harm others, that sort of thing," he said "if they didn't cooperate, or worse were already blood mages, then they would deal with them. We circle mages didn't deal much with apostates, or at least we weren't supposed to."
"That's... not true," Ash muttered. "My mother always said that if I let another mage know I was a mage too, they wouldn't even bother trying to bring me in, they'd take everything that made me... well, me. If they didn't just outright kill me." He looked at Jacques, directly, trying to see if the other was lying. There was little to suggest it.
"I didn't even know how to cast a spell when she told me that, why would she... lie?" He shook his head, frustrated. It was clear that he believed what he had been told by his mother. "No, there's something you're not telling me, this isn't how it works, but if you don't want me to know, that's fine." He sighed.
"Another then. Is there a way to deal with the dreams?" He wanted to say nightmares, but there was still fear remaining, what if the number of nightmares he had been having since he was a child was unnatural? Unusual?
"She was probably afraid for you," he said "its not uncommon that the parents of a mage fear for them, though ultimately it often does more harm than good. The circle, as it was originally intended, taught mages how to defend themselves, magic should serve man."
He fell silent for a moment before speaking again "I do not mean to say your mother lied to you, it is possible the Templars would have seen you as a threat, a mage and a Qunari besides, no the chantry would not have been kind to you I think."
"As for the dreams, that is something we all learn to deal with," he said "some have them worse than others of course. In the circle we would be subjected to a harrowing when we were old enough, a test of sorts, cruel really. We would be sent into the fade to kill a demon, there was more to the test than that but ultimately it was to prove that we could resist possession. For some that test helped with the dreams. I know for me it did, I spent months dreading it and when I finally passed," he paused and smiled faintly "the elation was palpable, it wasn't just the demons I had beaten but the Templars as well, they had tried to kill me with their test and I had beaten them. The dreams were easy for a while after that, I felt I had nothing to fear from them. Of course eventually they got worse again, but I was experienced enough to cope by then, lately I've found a strong drink before bed helps, though I fear I've been turning to that more and more as of late."
Ash didn't know what to say. If Jacques was speaking the truth, then... he had been afraid for nothing? What was the circle, if it didn't teach mages how to defend themselves?
"Why would they do that? The templars, I mean? I always heard of them, that I should stay away from them, but I never... Is that why there's a rebellion? I always thought that the circle mages were so lucky, they could be protected and taught how to use magic, while I had to be afraid... but..." He trailed off again, it was a lot at once.
"That's complicated," Jacques said "some mages appreciated the circle, and it did protect us and teach us," he said "I remember one mage, a young elf girl, they brought her in covered with bruises and burns, the people who found that she had magic attacked her, frightened of it, and she defended herself with fire. She later requested tranquility over the harrowing."
He shook his head "So the circle was protection for us and from us, but also a cage. We feared from the Templars, our protectors, that one day they might just select us for tranquility. It was better and worse in various places, my circle was one of the better ones but even so it was a cage. And man was not meant to be caged, that's why there is the rebellion, a matter of freedom."
"You weren't there willingly?" He frowned. This clearly wasn't a happy topic. Finally, he spoke some more. "I couldn't talk to the Qunari either, because they would have taken me in for re-education and made me Saarebas. They cut off their horns and sew their mouths shut, and... they want it, my mother said. The Saarebas wants to be treated like that. And I didn't, so I avoided everyone, mages, anyone who could be a templar, the Qunari, but... does this mean I could have asked for help? Before it got too late? I could've asked..."
He squeezed his eyes shut. Frustrated, sad, a little angry, even. He had more questions, but he figured it was better to start talking about something else. "Your student got buried in the snow, and... he was cold, and hungry, and dying. I don't know how long he was there, but all it took was a small cry of help, and the demon slipped out of Duty's realm and into the real world. Duty tried to hold it back, but the veil was so thin..." He looked to Jacques.
"I'm sorry, but I think he was there for quite a while before that. Held onto what he had, but... in the end, it wasn't enough."
Jacques was silent again, trembling, then took a few deep breaths calming himself. He wiped his face and then nodded.
"Thank you for telling me," he said "I will remember it."
"Do you want me to leave? There's more I want to ask, but now might not be the right time." Ash really didn't want to leave, but he would if he had to. It was his one chance to ask about the things he so clearly didn't know.
I wish I could have helped, but all I got to feel at was the memories of the spirit, so it was already too late."
"That might be best," Jacques said "I fear I am not going to be the most conversational for a time."
"Okay." Ash couldn't hide his disappointment, but he turned to leave. He opened his mouth to say something else, but shook his head, it wasn't worth it.
"Wait, I want to thank you," he said "for finally giving him rest. May the Maker watch over you."
"It's okay. It was worth almost getting possessed by a demon for," Ash replied, before he left, steps heavy with thoughts and exhaustion.
So much was bothering him, worrying him, gnawing at his mind. They wouldn't have hurt him. He could have asked them when he was scared and alone. And now it was too late. It was painful to think of, and when he got into the room he slept in, he couldn't help the tears running down his face. If only he had had the courage to ask someone, another mage, for help.
However, perhaps it was fatigue, or perhaps it was simply too troubling for even his mind to linger on it, but he quickly drifted into a dream free of the Sloth demon's presence, the first in a long while.
