Advice for dealing with my father...

[Fawcks]

Looking over the Escapist advice forum, I find less drams than I feel is adequate. I have arrived to correct this imbalance.

I'm sure some might remember me, but in case they don't...

I was in University for a biology degree. Lacked any real direction or drive. I was suicidal at the time, I didn't think of much other than when I would, eventually, die. Then, I met a girl. We hit it off. I fell in love.

Two years later, complications happen in both our lives. She's not sure what to do, I am of no comfort to her in my current state- I was working thirty hours a week, and at school full time; My course load at the time wasn't exactly light, either. Physics 103, Organic Chemistry, Ecology, Sociology (lol, sociology). She runs away... Or, more accurately, she went on a journey to discover herself, she said. I never heard from her again.

(About my fiance... Our relationship wasn't the best. I was dependant upon her. It was a co-dependant relationship. I entrusted her with everything. Hell, I wanted her to TELL me what to do with MY life. I did sometimes... Get mad at her, when she hurt me. She would sometimes use me, hurt me, abuse me. It was controlling, but I got mad when she controlled me in ways I didn't like. I don't know why I thought I had that right. I regret it. I was so weak. If she came back, even if it was just to hurt me again, I wouldn't mind... Physically, mentally, anything to feel like someone needed me again. That I was important.)

A year later, I was miserable. I'd moved again to Niagara Falls, since a lot of my ability to live independently rested with her, and moved back with my mother. My mother had always been abusive. Verbally, mentally. She always hurt me to get what she wanted...

I couldn't exhert an effort in school. I'd given up, in every way. I didn't turn in papers on time, didn't show up to exams, anything... I couldn't. I don't know why. Needless to say, I flunked out. I became a failure. To myself... I couldn't tell anyone.

I continued on for another half a year. Pretending to go to school... Coming home, lying about it. I just wandered the streets for hours... Hating myself. I hated it... Hated it so badly. I wished every day I could work up the courage to throw myself under a car as it passed. I didn't want this...

Eventually, I came out to my father. He lived about 15 hours away, by car, and wouldn't tell my mother. My mother would have hurt me if she'd known. I couldn't tell her. She'd hit me. Not kill me, though.

Eventually, my father got me a plane ticket. I went to move down with him, with only a suitcase. He promised I'd get some medical help, and go back to school. However... Nothing has changed.

My father doesn't seem to believe I need help anymore. He thinks that the change of atmosphere was all I needed... That it was good for me... Maybe it was, but nothing has changed. I don't know how to tell him that. Together, I act as I always have. I act haughty, arrogant... Confident... Joking. I don't seem depressed. I never have. I don't know how to.

I used to sleep in a lot. My father didn't like that. He'd yell at me, tell me how disappointed he was. Told me I was lazy and that's why things wouldn't work out for me. So I started to get up earlier.

I always shy away in social situations. I curl inward, I don't speak unless spoken to, and even then, I whisper. My father hates this. He doesn't want me to. I don't know how not to, though. Yet he keeps making me meet people and I don't know how else to react.

I told my father I have frequent and moderately severe panic attacks. I was diagnosed for this, at one point, but the medication made me too sleepy to function in my 30 hours a week of work and full time college life, so I stopped taking it. He told me his friend once had anxiety problems, so he carried around a flask of vodka. That's great and all, but I don't drink. Sometimes, when I am alone at night, in the dark, trying to sleep, my anxiety keeps me up. I remember... Things. I have some slight hallucination problems. Not frequently, but it happens... I break down, and I find myself crying, unable to do anything until the panic stops. Just remembering it now is making my heart race, and the fear return.

I don't know what to do. My father won't take these seriously... I don't know how to tell him that I still do NEED help. I can't approach him... He can't tell I'm still having problems, becuase I never let him know. I'm too afraid to talk to him directly about it...

My mother called me... She was extremely remorseful. After I returned to live with her, I told her I wanted to take a break from school many times... But she constantly told me I should stick with it for my last year. I didn't refuse her... I was too afraid to. She cried, and cried... Telling me she lost me because she was too stubborn, wondering who she would talk to about her neglectful husband now...

I feel terrible... I left her without a word. I abandoned her. Why? I couldn't confront her. Everything I did was selfish. All for my sake. I was so afraid that she might hurt me again, I ran away. I'm despicable. Disgusting. Dishonest. I have no one to blame but myself for everything that has happened... I hate it. I hate how weak I am. I'm a terrible, waste of a person. I can't help anyone. I'd just hurt them anyway. My old friend told me that, too. He stopped being my friend because I lashed out at him and hurt him. I was frustrated. Why do I always do that? All my friends left after my fiance did because of my outbursts... I can't make any new friends because of my social anxiety... I'm in debt passed my eyeballs from three years of education that nothing has come out of... How can I live with myself?

I've been just kind of writing what I'm thinking for awhile now... No real structure or anything... So congrats if you muscled your way through it. Take some happy feelings in knowing you're not me, or laugh. You've earned it. Schaudenfreudre, was it? I don't know.

Main theme: I have problems confronting my father and telling him I NEED MENTAL HELP HORRIBLY, because he seems to think I am fine, because I project that image. The rest of those blocks is just me venting, because sadly, there's no one else I can vent to in my life but the nameless conglamorate of the internet.

 

[Zen Toombs]

-snip-[My girl] would sometimes use me, hurt me, abuse me. It was controlling, but I got mad when she controlled me in ways I didn't like. I don't know why I thought I had that right. I regret it. I was so weak.)

-snip-

I feel terrible... I left her without a word. I abandoned her. Why? I couldn't confront her. Everything I did was selfish. All for my sake. I was so afraid that she might hurt me again, I ran away. I'm despicable. Disgusting. Dishonest.

-snip-

I can't help anyone. I'd just hurt them anyway. -snip- He stopped being my friend because I lashed out at him and hurt him. I was frustrated.

Fawkes, with all due respect, you are wrong. It isn't wrong to not like being used or controlled. How you reacted with your anger could be a problem, but you are a PERSON, and therefore do not deserve to be used.
Also, it's not a bad thing to do things for yourself. Leaving without saying a word might have been a problem, but it sounds like you've been abused by many people in your life.
As for the last in that series, YOU'RE WRONG. Well, at least about the first part. You can help others. You will probably hurt them too, but the good always comes with bad, and the good you do should outweigh the bad. It isn't the most happy-shiney message but it's the truth, and you deserve the truth. Also, you can always try to repair bridges with good friends.

I don't seem depressed. I never have. I don't know how to.

As for ^^this^^, you don't have to know how to act depressed. If you are, you are. And it sounds like you've been through a lot. You'll probably want to talk to a therapist/social worker/psychologist. It really helps.

I don't know what to do. My father won't take these seriously... I don't know how to tell him that I still do NEED help. I can't approach him... He can't tell I'm still having problems, becuase I never let him know. I'm too afraid to talk to him directly about it...

I'm not sure what to say here but to ask why you're afraid. If you're afraid because you have strong, legitimate reason to believe that he will harm you, then you should probably leave the situation. Otherwise, you'll just want to talk to him.

Main theme: I have problems confronting my father and telling him I NEED MENTAL HELP HORRIBLY, because he seems to think I am fine, because I project that image. The rest of those blocks is just me venting, because sadly, there's no one else I can vent to in my life but the nameless conglamorate of the internet.

If you need to talk to anyone, just send me a message. Also you should probably talk to a professional, they tend to be much more qualified than the horde that is the intertubes.

Take some happy feelings in knowing you're not me, or laugh. You've earned it. Schaudenfreudre, was it? I don't know.

Oh, and the word you're looking for is Schadenfreude. Very close though, for a non-German speaker.

 

[Fawcks]

My father isn't very mean to me... But he can be cruel. I mean... Brutally honest, I suppose. He has said terrible things about my mother before... And me, and my sister. He hasn't physically hurt me, though. He's not particularly kind, however, and I don't feel at ease around him. I told him about my problem over the internet because I couldn't confront him about it over the phone or to his face about it. I hadn't seen the man in eight years before this happened. He's like a stranger to me. I never saw him much after my parents divorced, and I don't remember much of anything before I was around 13... Probably a gold mine of repressed trauma in there. The easiest way to describe it is just that I don't know my father very well.

I feel I was being greedy in there... Part of me despises being used, but only when it's inconvenient. Deep down, I really want someone to need me. Even if that means they use me for their own ends. But when it comes to them using me as they'd prefer... Beating, abusing, using, I don't really like it. Isn't that being selfish? If I wanted her to control my life as I did, I should have been able to endure it. But I couldn't. That's weakness, right?

Thanks for the offer... But I'm not sure what we would talk about. Looking at my contacts on MSN... Over 100 contacts, 0 online. Some of them pop on from time to time... I must have scared the others away, though.

I'm only 5'4'', and about ~130lbs, in case anyone was wondering how so many people can push me around.

 

[Odd Owl]

Main theme: I have problems confronting my father and telling him I NEED MENTAL HELP HORRIBLY, because he seems to think I am fine, because I project that image. The rest of those blocks is just me venting, because sadly, there's no one else I can vent to in my life but the nameless conglamorate of the internet.

This is a fine place to vent, but I suspect that's not enough for you. I think you're right, in that you probably do need mental help. You may know this already, but I'll reiterate that there is nothing wrong with needing mental help. I've spoken to therapists on several occassions for various reasons. I've known others who have done the same.

My question is, are you unable to get mental help without your father? Is there something keeping you from going to a hospital or clinic on your own? Also, are you still in school, or do you plan to return to school?

 

[Fawcks]

My question is, are you unable to get mental help without your father? Is there something keeping you from going to a hospital or clinic on your own? Also, are you still in school, or do you plan to return to school?

Not in school. I want to go back, but I am most definately not ready. Nothing has changed. Until I get better, and fix this anxiety issue, I won't be able to return and perform up to standards. Father wanted me to go back to school in January... That's insane. I could never do that.

I can't really go to a clinic by myself. I haven't recieved healthcare coverage where I live yet (Medicare, in NB Canada), and currently my only resource by which to get mental help is throught the city, for which my father is employed, where he is able to access counseling and such services for public workers and whatnot.

 

[Odd Owl]

Not in school. I want to go back, but I am most definately not ready. Nothing has changed. Until I get better, and fix this anxiety issue, I won't be able to return and perform up to standards. Father wanted me to go back to school in January... That's insane. I could never do that.

I can't really go to a clinic by myself. I haven't recieved healthcare coverage where I live yet (Medicare, in NB Canada), and currently my only resource by which to get mental help is throught the city, for which my father is employed, where he is able to access counseling and such services for public workers and whatnot.

That's a tough position to be in. I asked about school because most schools offer counseling services. It might even be that the school you were previously attending might be willing to offer counseling services, even though you're not currently enrolled. It could be worth a shot.

If not, have you tried approaching the issue of counseling with your father from something other than a "mental issues" angle? If he's not willing to listen to you when you say that you have mental problems and need to see a therapist, perhaps he'd be more willing if it was under some other guise. For example, your sleeping problems. Your father doesn't need to know what you talk to the therapist about once you get there.

A third alternative is to seek help through a church. If you are religious, a priest (or whatever the equivalent would be) would probably be better than nothing. And a church may be able to put you in touch with a therapist, whether you're religious or not.

 

[Fawcks]

That's a tough position to be in. I asked about school because most schools offer counseling services. It might even be that the school you were previously attending might be willing to offer counseling services, even though you're not currently enrolled. It could be worth a shot.

If not, have you tried approaching the issue of counseling with your father from something other than a "mental issues" angle? If he's not willing to listen to you when you say that you have mental problems and need to see a therapist, perhaps he'd be more willing if it was under some other guise. For example, your sleeping problems. Your father doesn't need to know what you talk to the therapist about once you get there.

A third alternative is to seek help through a church. If you are religious, a priest (or whatever the equivalent would be) would probably be better than nothing. And a church may be able to put you in touch with a therapist, whether you're religious or not.

Yeah... I regret that a lot. I didn't have a lot of time in school, and I was way too scared to approach the school officials (since I didn't get healthcare coverage until six months AFTER I moved, which was far too late...). I've also moved far away from my old school, so I can't get there any more.

I tried to tell my Dad I have trouble sleeping. He told me he blamed the video games and the internet, and I need to get my crap together. It generally boiled down to a lot of yelling on his part, and a lot of nodding on my part while I wasn't really listening. My father HATES when I sleep in late, he views it as a sign of sloth or laziness. And he can be very, very abrasive WHENEVER I act in ways he does not accept.

As for a church... That's something I could try. I'm not very religious, sadly... Comes with being a sexual deviant (Furries, we ruin everything), but that's a discussion for another time. I don't really... Feel confortable LYING to the church and pretending I am religious, though, just to seek their financial aid. Besides, there are likely dozens of people out there with real problems more deserving of the church's limited resources...

 

[Odd Owl]

As for a church... That's something I could try. I'm not very religious, sadly... Comes with being a sexual deviant (Furries, we ruin everything), but that's a discussion for another time. I don't really... Feel confortable LYING to the church and pretending I am religious, though, just to seek their financial aid. Besides, there are likely dozens of people out there with real problems more deserving of the church's limited resources...

It sounds like you do have real problems, so don't sell them short. And in many cases, you won't need to lie to a church to get help. For example, the Salvation Army doesn't approve of homosexuality, but they'll help people regardless of their sexual orientation. I don't even think they ask about it. And you wouldn't necessarily be getting financial aid from the church, per se. A church may just be able to put you in touch with therapists or counseling services who would be willing to help you for free. A social worker's office might be able to do the same thing.

 

[Fawcks]

I'll... Look into it. I'm not feeling very good tonight... I wish I had someone I could entrust to look into these things for me for when I feel like this.

I just feel... Sick. I feel sick often. What's the point? Why subject myself to this? I've already lost. I've already lost everything. Everything.

Unhealthy as the relationship was, if you asked me what reason I had for living two years ago, I'd have a clear answer. Now? There's nothing. Nothing.

I get into this mood every night. I don't want to do anything. Not sleep. Not eat. Not get up out of bed. Nothing... I just want to hate myself. It's unbearable. I don't know how much longer I can stand being forced to be near this... Thing. This failure. This waste. Never did anything right, exists only to make others miserable... Why? there's no dignity in this.

 

[Dastardly]

Main theme: I have problems confronting my father and telling him I NEED MENTAL HELP HORRIBLY, because he seems to think I am fine, because I project that image. The rest of those blocks is just me venting, because sadly, there's no one else I can vent to in my life but the nameless conglamorate of the internet.

Regarding your parents, sometimes the people that are trying to "help us" aren't sure what to do. So they end up, unintentionally, trying to rush us through our issues -- in the same way a child might believe that putting a bandage on a cut immediately cures it. In essence, our suffering is inconvenient to them, and their goal is to make it less apparent. They're not doing this maliciously, it's a normal human reaction. It's hard to understand what someone else is feeling, but it's very easy to understand how what they do affects you.

What I'm getting is that you've spent a great deal of your life allowing the world to make a lot of decisions for you. The world raises us believing that if we gather the right ingredients (a degree, a spouse, a job) we'll be set on the path to "Happy Ever After" or at least "Hard Stuff Done, Now Just Coast." When we realize that isn't going to happen, we want very much for someone else to tell us how to fix it.

So we self-sabotage. We stop meeting our obligations and doing our jobs, hoping that someone, somewhere is going to notice and reprimand us -- by telling us exactly what we should be doing. We want the world to issue us an Identity the way it promised to when we were younger.

Right now, the risk is that you're allowing these struggles to create your self of Identity. You're internalizing these, as though they are part of who you are. The longer you do this, the harder it will be for you to let them go. You've used these bricks to construct the home in which you live, and you're becoming afraid that removing those bricks will leave you "homeless."

So instead of just removing them, replace them, brick by brick. You've got to get out there and start making decisions. It doesn't matter what they are, or whether they the "right" ones most of the time. Make them. If you are at a crossroads, just pick one and go with it -- if it works out, you picked the right one; if it doesn't, now you know which way to go! Over time, as you begin making these decisions and owning them, you'll be taking ownership of yourself and your direction. This is the process of constructing your Identity, and we all have to go through it.

Step one, if you don't already have a job, go get one. Doesn't matter what it is. Pick something you want, save up, and buy it yourself. Doesn't matter what it is. Then start putting away a little money for school, if you think you even might want to go back. That way, when you have some money saved, you know that it's you making the decisions, rather than "life" making the decision for you.

If you can find a physically active hobby, go for it -- something like a karate class (structured and taught, with measured accomplishments) is better than a gym membership (not structured, no record of achievement) -- you'll feel better and blow off some internal steam. Again, it doesn't matter what the activity is. You're jump-starting your body (and your mind), and taking ownership over your decisions and direction.