Advice would be nice

[iwinatlife]

So fellow Escapists I'm having relationship issues.
I know hardly the best place to look for advice I just want an outside view of my issues.

So I'm currently in a relationship with a girl for reference I'm 21 she is 23 we have been together (excluding a 2 month break that will be addressed later) for almost 5 years and been living with each other in the same bed for about 4 and a half of those. The issues are that we don't seem to make each other very happy any more. I love her but she only seems to occasionally love me. Admittedly a lot of this is my fault because I have a bad habit of over promising and under delivering. For instance the biggest issue that is recurring is that at 21 I still don't have my Drivers License (for those who don't know here in the US driving age is 16) however at this point I have no way to get it (full-time job no car to learn in no one willing to teach me etc) but she holds it against me still. This then leads t the larger problem is that we both have Horrible tempers in different ways. Her's is gasoline flares up quickly burns you and flashes away, mine is a slow-burning fuse to a large bomb so it smolders slowly till I explode...unfortunately that combination tends to lead to violence on both parties from both parties.
these issues have been particularly bad in the last 2 and half years especially 2 years ago when she left me...kind of....see she broke up with me to date someone else and got engaged within the month....and demanded I live with them...and his best friend...due to coercion and guilt, and the ill advised fact that I was still sleeping with her (my feelings on which I'm still not sure about) I did continue to live with her and him and eventually won her back sort of while slowly becoming friends with the guy while simultaneously we all drove each other crazy to the point she tried to kick him out which led to a big fight and him going to jail for assaulting her.

So any way after all that happened we were doing ok but then things fell back towards us fighting which ended up causing the destruction of a TV(by me) and then one particularly bad fight over something I saw as trivial caused me to leave and cruelly ignore her for a week. Then I talked to her we ended up back together again. Again ok for a month or so but now the fights are escalating again shes almost kicked me out twice and I almost left on my own once all within the last 2 weeks. Am I just kidding myself by trying to keep this going?The worst thing is we both issues with depression and she has panic attack disorder so I'm always afraid if I leave or she kicks me out she will go crazy and kill herself especially because thats exactly what she has threatened in the past.

So any advice?

PS I apologize for my atrocious grammar

 

[MysticSlayer]

Am I just kidding myself by trying to keep this going?

I'm hardly that experienced with that kind of relationship (read: no experience outside of what I've seen with others), but it sounds like if you two are fighting this often that you should probably think about moving out. A guy has already gone to jail over the tension, and you already broke a TV. It sounds like you aren't too far from assaulting her yourself (or have you already done that to an extent? The post made it sound like you did). It might be best to think about moving out and away from that relationship. The last five years don't seem to matter any more. What matters is this:

Her's is gasoline flares up quickly burns you and flashes away, mine is a slow-burning fuse to a large bomb so it smolders slowly till I explode...unfortunately that combination tends to lead to violence on both parties from both parties.

Unless you can somehow guarantee that you two can control yourselves in the future, it seems like even worse things are just waiting to happen if you stay together. But having seen the way my brother's relationships worked out when they got to this point, I just don't see it working out.

But if you must insist on keeping the relationship, have you tried seeing a counsellor?

 

[Frothy Gibblets]

You've had an incredibly intense relationship, and I imagine the highs of that relationship were amazing, just as the lows have been so destructive. It's why such things are hard to walk away from. The truth is though, the environment is toxic for the both of you. You've admitted in your post, you're BOTH using violence against each other and your house/possessions. Does that really strike you as an environment that's good to be in?

It also strikes me that you're moving through life at different rates, and whilst it may seem like a small niggle to you, not getting a drivers licence is an annoyance to her because it's showing her you're content to sit back and kind of drift along. I don't really know how it is in America but your excuses for not learning to drive wouldn't hold water over here. Most learn to drive WHILST having a full time job/full time education, the people I know didn't get a car until AFTER they passed their tests. Instructors with their own cars are more than happy to teach you for a fee. I'm getting slightly off point though.

This relationship is all you have known since you were 16, and the whole two month gap of living with her, her new partner and all that involved...crazy. If I were you, I'd pull away for six months, no contact with each other at all and see how you feel after that. I'd bet money that both of you will feel better off and able to move on with your lives in the manner you see fit. In my opinion you're both keeping this going because you don't really know any different and the intensity of the emotions involved make it kind of addictive. Certainly not healthy, in its current state, for either of you though.

 

[iwinatlife]

/snip

Unfortunately we both have hurt ourselves and each other (and the other guy while he was there) I have considered a onsuller or therapist but money has been a problem so has a lack of insurance to help, at one point closer to the begginning of the relationship after I had gotten uncomfortably close to killing myself we had so me group therapy with me her and my mother,who were living with at the time...it didn't help much, although is suppose it did a bit being that I am still alive. I also at one point attempted to get some anger mangement which also didn't help much. But now that i have a bit more stable income(hopefully, but I might lose my job soon which would be very bad) and my helth insurance starts at the beggining of the year we might be able to try that again.

 

[EeveeElectro]

Yeah, leave this destructive relationship.

Sometimes in a relationship it gets to a point where after so many years, you're just a comfort to each other so it's hard to leave.
You possibly do love each other, but you clearly don't seem to like each other.
Before I finished reading, I could tell you both suffered from depression. Mum and me are the same with our depression, it's not good and it doesn't help the issue.
I suggest leaving and just starting a fresh. You're 21 so you have your whole life a head of you. Get help about your depression please and advise her to do the same.
Threatening suicide (which by the way is classed as domestic abuse) is not healthy and she needs help.

I stayed with my ex because he kept saying he was gonna kill himself if he left and I was stupid enough to believe it. You could actually tell someone about her doing that and they should be able to sort out someone to help her with her mental health.

It's just gonna get worse rather than better, so take what's left of your dignity and start a new life, look for a new love and get help about your depression. Living your life for other people and in fear of what others might do is not good.
You'll feel so much better away from it all.

Hope things improve for you.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

Just reading through all that, with out placing blame, if the situation is both of you getting violent then you'd be better to get the fuck out of the relationship. Which I know is probably not what you want to hear since you love this person, just had my girl break up with me so I know it's rough. You want everything in the world just to make it work, but sometimes desire isn't enough and you just gotta walk away.

However, consider that in society anything bad that happens thats violent is always going to look down on you. Cause your the man. No that's not right but that's the current situation, even if you were defending yourself, and this domestic violence could land you in jail. So seriously Fuck THAT noise

I mean that should be the warning sirens to you that you should just pull out. I really hope you do cause it be a shame for you to lose everything over this. BTW, it varies state to state but if you have a domestic violence incident that resorts in property being broken (even your own), they can put you jail.

Also, yeah I know you say you're busy but if you want to learn how to drive you'll find/make time to learn how to drive. There are instructors that you can pay to come to your house and give you lessons, I did this before I got mine.

 

[MysticSlayer]

/snip

Unfortunately we both have hurt ourselves and each other (and the other guy while he was there) I have considered a onsuller or therapist but money has been a problem so has a lack of insurance to help, at one point closer to the begginning of the relationship after I had gotten uncomfortably close to killing myself we had so me group therapy with me her and my mother,who were living with at the time...it didn't help much, although is suppose it did a bit being that I am still alive. I also at one point attempted to get some anger mangement which also didn't help much. But now that i have a bit more stable income(hopefully, but I might lose my job soon which would be very bad) and my helth insurance starts at the beggining of the year we might be able to try that again.

Have you thought about living separate for the rest of the year and then talking about the potential to pick counseling back up once you see how your job situation/insurance works out? I'm not saying that's what you should do, but it might be something to consider.

 

[iwinatlife]

You've had an incredibly intense relationship, and I imagine the highs of that relationship were amazing, just as the lows have been so destructive. It's why such things are hard to walk away from. The truth is though, the environment is toxic for the both of you. You've admitted in your post, you're BOTH using violence against each other and your house/possessions. Does that really strike you as an environment that's good to be in?

It also strikes me that you're moving through life at different rates, and whilst it may seem like a small niggle to you, not getting a drivers licence is an annoyance to her because it's showing her you're content to sit back and kind of drift along. I don't really know how it is in America but your excuses for not learning to drive wouldn't hold water over here. Most learn to drive WHILST having a full time job/full time education, the people I know didn't get a car until AFTER they passed their tests. Instructors with their own cars are more than happy to teach you for a fee. I'm getting slightly off point though.

This relationship is all you have known since you were 16, and the whole two month gap of living with her, her new partner and all that involved...crazy. If I were you, I'd pull away for six months, no contact with each other at all and see how you feel after that. I'd bet money that both of you will feel better off and able to move on with your lives in the manner you see fit. In my opinion you're both keeping this going because you don't really know any different and the intensity of the emotions involved make it kind of addictive. Certainly not healthy, in its current state, for either of you though.

I certinly see where you come with and realize that my excuses as far as the license don't hold water thus conflict. Honestly with that week separation what you suggested is what i was trying to do but we are both a tad unstable (ok more than a tad) which flares into truly unstable when we split. Also due to jealousy and other problems not to mention issues with my family and her I've estranged myself from just about everyone else in my life t the pint where i realized a little while ago that I have begun to deliberately sabotage any friendships I begin to form at work so I wouldnt have anything distracting me from her. So I fall into a weird sort of withdrawal without her.

TLDR: I want to leave(sometimes) but its hard and I have nowhere to go

 

[godofallu]

It seems like you're both crazy. Domestic violence, assault, destruction of property, cheating, ect. Plus you guys are bi-polar breaking up and getting back together and fighting over and over.

Normally I would advise a person to break up with a girl with a temper that can be described as a "gasoline fire" and who has left you in the past and is a known cheater.

But on the other hand you have a temper that "explodes like a bomb" and leads you to violence (against a woman?). Plus you're 21 years old and don't have a drivers license and helped her cheat when she was in a relationship with someone else. You're kind of a scumbag and its quite possible that she is the best you could do.

Sorry if this offends you and I know I will get reported for this post but sometimes someone has to give some honest feedback instead of the stupid cliched dribble.

PS: The killing themselves threat/thing is ridiculous icing on an all ready crazy cake.

 

[iwinatlife]

/snip

Unfortunately we both have hurt ourselves and each other (and the other guy while he was there) I have considered a onsuller or therapist but money has been a problem so has a lack of insurance to help, at one point closer to the begginning of the relationship after I had gotten uncomfortably close to killing myself we had so me group therapy with me her and my mother,who were living with at the time...it didn't help much, although is suppose it did a bit being that I am still alive. I also at one point attempted to get some anger mangement which also didn't help much. But now that i have a bit more stable income(hopefully, but I might lose my job soon which would be very bad) and my helth insurance starts at the beggining of the year we might be able to try that again.

Have you thought about living separate for the rest of the year and then talking about the potential to pick counseling back up once you see how your job situation/insurance works out? I'm not saying that's what you should do, but it might be something to consider.

This does raise a few other Problems namely she is how I get to work, and we just signed a lease back in October and as i mentioned in a previous post ive alienated myself from all my friends and family so I dont have anywhere to go, the week before almost crippled me financially because I ended up living in a hotel for a week, and also went on a emotion filled and ill-advised spending spree on extra food new books and games (all of which I dont normally spend money on being that she would flip out)and those are just the socioeconomic reasons let alone all the emotional hell and psychological torture that trying to leave is because she is really the only person i spend any significant time with

 

[iwinatlife]

It seems like you're both crazy. Domestic violence, assault, destruction of property, cheating, ect. Plus you guys are bi-polar breaking up and getting back together and fighting over and over.

Normally I would advise a person to break up with a girl with a temper that can be described as a "gasoline fire" and who has left you in the past and is a known cheater.

But on the other hand you have a temper that "explodes like a bomb" and leads you to violence (against a woman?). Plus you're 21 years old and don't have a drivers license and helped her cheat when she was in a relationship with someone else. You're kind of a scumbag and its quite possible that she is the best you could do.

Sorry if this offends you and I know I will get reported for this post but sometimes someone has to give some honest feedback instead of the stupid cliched dribble.

PS: The killing themselves threat/thing is ridiculous icing on an all ready crazy cake.

Thank you for the honest appraisal I actually agree with you quite a bit on occasion but that's usually when I'm feeling depressed and self-deprecating. Actually quite often I feel that I'm a scumbag and she far better than I deserve.

 

[iwinatlife]

Don't you have any free time to spend practicing? And you went on a spending spree... didn't you have money for any kind of driving school?

I have some but the only availble car to practice in is the Camero that she just got for herself because her Honda died. And originally that money was going to be spent on moving into a new place. my spree just made that much more difficult when the time came

 

[Frothy Gibblets]

I certinly see where you come with and realize that my excuses as far as the license don't hold water thus conflict. Honestly with that week separation what you suggested is what i was trying to do but we are both a tad unstable (ok more than a tad) which flares into truly unstable when we split. Also due to jealousy and other problems not to mention issues with my family and her I've estranged myself from just about everyone else in my life t the pint where i realized a little while ago that I have begun to deliberately sabotage any friendships I begin to form at work so I wouldnt have anything distracting me from her. So I fall into a weird sort of withdrawal without her.

TLDR: I want to leave(sometimes) but its hard and I have nowhere to go

I don't know what to suggest as I have little understanding of how the systems work in America. I couldn't say that you should leave and in effect make yourself homeless, that would only make the situation worse for you, but you do need to work on a way out. You both have issues and the relationship simply makes those issues worse for the both of you. When you have your medical insurance I would certainly suggest seeing what options are available, not as a couple but for yourself.

When all that's done, yes breaking the bonds is hard. Incredibly hard, but to use more cliche dribble, as godofallu would put it, that does ease with time, until one day it's gone. You're not necessarily a bad person, the situation you're in simply feeds your instability. With work, you can sort this.

If not, I hate to say it, but the likely hood is you're going to end up in prison. As someone above me has said, situations of domestic violence always fall badly for the man involved and from the sounds of it you're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks. (I'm keeping Bonnie Tyler in here, it may be a serious thread but what a perfect opportunity to use that line)

 

[iwinatlife]

I certinly see where you come with and realize that my excuses as far as the license don't hold water thus conflict. Honestly with that week separation what you suggested is what i was trying to do but we are both a tad unstable (ok more than a tad) which flares into truly unstable when we split. Also due to jealousy and other problems not to mention issues with my family and her I've estranged myself from just about everyone else in my life t the pint where i realized a little while ago that I have begun to deliberately sabotage any friendships I begin to form at work so I wouldnt have anything distracting me from her. So I fall into a weird sort of withdrawal without her.

TLDR: I want to leave(sometimes) but its hard and I have nowhere to go

I don't know what to suggest as I have little understanding of how the systems work in America. I couldn't say that you should leave and in effect make yourself homeless, that would only make the situation worse for you, but you do need to work on a way out. You both have issues and the relationship simply makes those issues worse for the both of you. When you have your medical insurance I would certainly suggest seeing what options are available, not as a couple but for yourself.

When all that's done, yes breaking the bonds is hard. Incredibly hard, but to use more cliche dribble, as godofallu would put it, that does ease with time, until one day it's gone. You're not necessarily a bad person, the situation you're in simply feeds your instability. With work, you can sort this.

If not, I hate to say it, but the likely hood is you're going to end up in prison. As someone above me has said, situations of domestic violence always fall badly for the man involved and from the sounds of it you're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks. (I'm keeping Bonnie Tyler in here, it may be a serious thread but what a perfect opportunity to use that line)

I appreciate the moderately unfounded faith that I'm not truly just a terrible person,and I will no doubt try but in the end it is truly difficult to just stop fighting to keep it together because sometimes it feels like thats all ive really been doing for at least the last 2 years doing all the little things i could to manage to hold it together that much longer because its hard to think of life without her anymore she is just a constant in my life that my entire perspective has warped around her and her interests, keeping her happy enough not to want me gone hiding the parts of me that don't outright changing to fit her needs how do you just stop that?