Advice: WTH do I do...? (my first post so be nice)

[purpleflamingo]

Im 20, Male, live in a country town in Australia.

In the last few years ive started two university courses, only to bail a semester in because honestly uni isnt for me... Ive moved back in with my parents and am looking for casual labour jobs until i work out how to break into software development. Ive been back at home now for nigh on 4 weeks, and have only had a few days work, but my parents are being relentless about me getting more work. Honestly, i could be doing more to get a job, but its not really that important to me. You'll see why:

I'm the youngest of 3 kids in a middle class family. We are christians who beleive that the bible is gods word and guides us in every aspect of our lives. Despite that, for 14 years of my life (3-17) my mother has had severe depression. She used to beat us kids, and our father (and i dont just mean a lil smack here and there; she knocked my sister out with a bread board for not putting it away in the right place. And other such things). In recent times, she has been alot better, but she still has episodes here and there (I think for the most part, its about her time of the month). She was heavily addicted to codine (pain killers) for pretty much my entire life and this has messed up her nervous system so much the now that she has kicked the addiction, she lives every day in agony. This only aggrivates her because she has messed up her (and our) lives.

Everytime in my childhood that i made any descision, it was always the wrong one by her. this has given me a bit of a fear of making the wrong descision in life (hence my uni failures).
Every small thing i do (or dont do) while im living here is criticized and i get screamed at every night about how i have wasted a quarter of my life.

I know im not doing good at the moment, but im trying to turn my life around.

To make matters worse; the girl who i have loved for the last 7 or 8 years fell pregnant to another man and married him. She was who i used to talk my problems over with.
Dont get the wrong idea; i dont want her to break it off with this guy and run off with me. Im a christian; marriage is a big deal with us. But i cant talk with her like i used to for fear of igniting either my own desires to get her back, or her husband getting jealous about our close relationship. He's a nice guy and we're good mates. I couldnt do that to him. So i have lost the person who knew me and my problems the best.

I need to get away.

I have no money, job or skills.

I breifly considered suicide, but in advent of my mothers attempts, i know how it feels to have a loved one attempt it. I cant do that to my family. In any case, i beleive that suicide is murder, and as such, would be on the wrong side of God at judgement day.

I am trapped in my own meat-suit. i cant get away, cant leave, cant live like this, and cant end it.

Can i get an opinion?

 

[Chasing-The-Light]

Well jeez... your life just sounds wonderful right now, huh? All sarcasm aside, if I were you, I would just try to let whatever they say roll off my back and keep your nose to the grind. I'd focus on getting as much work as possible. Perhaps enroll in a trade school if you must (if you have the like, there, idk) and when you can, move to a bigger city.

As for your girl issues, if it comes down to it I'd say you could still try to talk to her. If you and the guy are friends, then he should understand if you need to talk to the girl about your problems just to get some advice. She might have other priorities, but if she's your friend, then I'm sure she's got some time for you.

Keep at it, dude! Where there is a will there is a way and I'm sure you'll make it outta this!

Best of luck

 

[purpleflamingo]

thanks.

Ive been letting it roll off my back for so long now tho...

Trade School and apprenticeships are not really applicable anymore, once someone gets to my age, certain government benefits for those who employ apprentices cease. So no-one hires anyone over 20 in trades.

I went to Uni in a bigger city, wasnt any happier...

As for the girl, you may have missed this;

"But i cant talk with her like i used to for fear of igniting either my own desires to get her back, or..."

we are on very shaky ground here.

Thank you for responding though =)

 

[dyre]

Did you actually live on campus in the university, or just commute from home to college? If you can afford it, I'd really recommend giving college another shot. See if you can find a community college with on-campus housing (I assume those exist in Australia too), and try to make a new set of friends there (not saying you should stop talking to that girl or her husband, just that there's lots of good people in the world to be friends with), which should make you less dependent on your parents' opinions. Try to apply for academic scholarships, financial aid, etc.

Also, keep looking for jobs/internships even while in college. I know you tried university already, but I honestly think just taking two courses isn't getting the full college experience.

 

[Erana]

Everytime in my childhood that i made any descision, it was always the wrong one by her. this has given me a bit of a fear of making the wrong descision in life.

I think, right now, this is your biggest obstacle.
You've acknowledged its existence, so I bet that, deep down, you also know how to start resisting this feeling.
I doubt you're some kind of hard criminal or murderer- you've got the Bible to show you how to be good. So do what you think is in the right, and don't allow yourself to feel regret afterwards.

As for changing up your life, have you looked at something overseas? That would be a nice way to get a fresh start. There are a lot of opportunities to teach English abroad, and many places prefer for their teachers to not know the language for a greater immersion for the students.

I don't know enough about you to say if that would be at all a good idea for you, but its the first thing that comes to mind.

 

[purpleflamingo]

@dyre

I Think you're confusing my use of University. In australia, We stay in High school until we're 17 or 18, then university is usually 3, 4 or 5 years from there.

There are no "colleges" to speak of, at least not in the way youre most likely thinking (I'm assuming youre N American)

Most universities dont have any On campus housing and the ones that do are very expensive.

Financial aid is a bust because my parents earn too much. I am still classified as 'dependant' and cos my folks are upper-middle class, i get no assistance, regardless of how much help my parents give me.

I know you tried university already, but I honestly think just taking two courses isn't getting the full college experience.

By course, i mean a four year acedemic programs. I have done the first semester of two degrees.

Everytime in my childhood that i made any descision, it was always the wrong one by her. this has given me a bit of a fear of making the wrong descision in life.

I think, right now, this is your biggest obstacle.
You've acknowledged its existence, so I bet that, deep down, you also know how to start resisting this feeling.

I think youre right here. But then how do i start to change something that is by now, part of my personality?

 

[Erana]

Everytime in my childhood that i made any descision, it was always the wrong one by her. this has given me a bit of a fear of making the wrong descision in life.

I think, right now, this is your biggest obstacle.
You've acknowledged its existence, so I bet that, deep down, you also know how to start resisting this feeling.

I think youre right here. But then how do i start to change something that is by now, part of my personality?

The thing is, you're programmed to undermine any sense of confidence or hope. You have to get to know these sorts of feelings again, and not let yourself desecrate them.

A big part of this is learning to trust yourself and your gut feelings. It is most often right in practical matters, and with deciding things based on opinions, it is one of the most prominent ballot the subconscious has.
One thing that I do to handle decision making is to pare down the options until I'm left with two.
Flip a coin and when the coin lands, think of how you feel. If you aren't happy with the result, that's your gut saying, "Do the other thing."

Try to raise awareness of when you're berating yourself. And as you become more aware, do something to make yourself stop.
Perhaps imagine (in vivid detail) a buzzer, or kittens, or even train yourself to get Bananaphone stuck in your head whenever you start thinking that way. But don't make it a punishment. The point is to put in your mind something that kills the overall mood, not encourages it.

Spoiler: Lord knows I can't focusing on worrying when Im imagining this:

You and these feelings aren't the same. Don't let this define you.

 

[Scar05]

Often when ur stuck in a rut and u want to get out the best thing to do is to get out there and find a job. It helps take your mind off ur problems (even if for a little while) and after each paycheck you feel that sense of accomplishment of having done something well for yourself and possibly even for others. I understand you may not just want any old job, hence going to uni, however city unis r a load of tosh - they are just companies looking down upon u as mini money bags waiting to be exploited with little thought about u as a person. That being said, however, not all unis r that bad.

My brother with to a university far out away from the big cities and stayed at the residential college on campus. Not only was his experience completely different from mine, but he was treated as a family member - if he ever missed a lecture or tutorial, fell behind in any of his work, or displayed any difficulties at all his lecturers would call him up and / or check in on him to make sure he was okay, actively gave him any extra help or time he needed and ensured he had access to all resources even if he couldn't afford it. I'm not saying he got any special treatment or anything but out there in the country towns they are more of a community and less of an institution. And, depending on where you look, u can find quite a lot of academically GOOD universities out country.

The other option is tafe. Most of my friends went to tafe and loved it. Its very much set up like school and there is a lot less pressure than uni. Also at the end of your course they almost always (depending on ur course) have u set up with a guaranteed job by the end of it.

I hope this helps. I know you've had some really hard experiences but, not to make light of ur problems, its not all bad and it can't last forever. Try listing some of ur positives - what ur good at and/or like (even trivial stuff), and see what you can work with from there.

 

[Emperor Platypus]

thanks.


"But i cant talk with her like i used to for fear of igniting either my own desires to get her back, or..."

I can't tell you what to do exactly. But what I can tell you is cutting contact completely is not an option (I think).

I recently tried doing that to a girl who frankly from the sounds of it I was nowhere near as close to as you are/were to this girl. But it still really hurt her, which is something (I'm assuming) you don't wanna do.

I could tell you what one of my mates told me which is: "Stop worrying about it all and just be her friend". But I'm guessing that'll be as effective for as it was for me. :s

 

[purpleflamingo]

Thanks Guys.

You've given me a lot to think about.

 

[Zorak the Mantis]

Ever think of the military? The army down under isn't as bad as it used to be.

 

[Avistew]

Try finding something you like. Join a club or a course that's not university. I don't know, an instrument, or painting, or something... And a physical activity would probably help, something like yoga maybe, just so you can relax a bit and stop worrying about the stress for a little bit.

If you pick up an instrument, you might never become a famous musician, but you might later give classes for instance. Right now what you can do is try collecting skills. See if you can take an online course in something. Here is a site with free courses in a bunch of stuff http://ocw.mit.edu/index.htm
But if your parents are well-off you might not need for it to be free. See with them.

Consider finding someone to talk to. Some kind of counselor. They can help you find your strength and you could find a new career you hadn't considered.
And I would say, keep talking to your friend. If she got pregnant, she was already seeing the guy, and it wasn't affecting your friendship then (or was it?). You have no intention of doing anything with her or about her, so don't lose a friend too. Maybe you can try and keep your interaction to non-physical (by which I mean online rather than face to face) if you think it would help. But you need to have people to talk to.

On that note, if you take some course or activity or club or something, try and see if you meet people there you get along with. More people to be friends with and talk to would be a bonus.

Oh, and since you're religious, maybe a religious figure could be someone to talk to about things and see if they can help.

 

[purpleflamingo]

I would like to write the conclusion to this tale. Although I'm sure no-one will actually read it, I want to make sure people know that good things can happen to those who dont give up and end it.

It's been 9 months or so since I wrote that first post and how things have changed;

I'm still male, 21 now, living in the same country town in Australia.

A few weeks after writing it, I got a regular job once a week doing confined space work (the safety side, rather than the guy that goes in there). That lasted for about 3 months or so. Then once I had put myself properly in the workforce and shown myself to be a hard worker, work started coming from everywhere. A number of times I had to turn down 8 hour shifts because I was already working 12 hours that day. I quickly made a fair bit of savings, enough that I can now completely live independently from my parents (though I still live at home for security's sake). 6 weeks ago I was offered an apprenticeship as an industrial electrician, working with production robots like I always wanted to with my uni courses. after my 3 month probation period ends, I'll have the job security I need to move out of home.

My mother has gotten a lot better. Since I'm not at home a lot, our conversations seem to only be about the things that matter and not who put the scissors in the wrong drawer. We have a great relationship now. At my 21st birthday party I gave a bit of a speech and found myself in tears because of what God has done for our family especially through the years while she was ill. He saved her life miraculously on several occasions. She has also switched doctors in recent times who picked up on exactly why she is in so much pain all the time. She is on medication now and is feeling much better.

I talk regularly with the girl I wrote about. Her daughter is beginning to speak in full sentences now and looking at the 3 of them I am so very glad I didn't do anything stupid to mess up their family. Both she and her husband are good friends who I wouldn't trade for the world.

I am now a youth leader in my church (along with her husband). Lots of decisions have to be made and I have no apprehension in making them. Its amazing what some confidence can do.

To any that are reading, SUICIDE IS NOT THE OPTION FOR YOU, as it wasn't for me. When things are at their lowest the only place left is to go up. In this life, its your determination that defines you.

Keep moving.
Keep growing.

Thank you Escapist forum-goers.