Afraid I'm letting myself fall for a friend.

[Doclector]

Pretty self explanatory. I'm 21 years old and male, and I think I may be developing feelings for one of my female friends.

Would be fine and dandy if there were any chance of said feelings being reciprocated. I'm about a billion miles from attractive, whereas she is very attractive. Sure, we're pretty good friends, but I ain't naive enough to believe that physical attraction isn't a big part of it.

I feel disgusted at myself for these thoughts. I can't imagine how horrible it would feel for a girl if I were to confess that I like her, so my thoughts are essentially selfish. I keep believing that she's showing some signs of affection towards me, when I know such acts are either simply her being friendly, or performed under some state of inebriation. I'd like to think I'm above such foolish wishful thinking at the expense of others, but sadly it would appear I'm not.

I know it would be incredibly selfish, foolish, disgusting, and horrible to pursue this any further. If I were to confess such feelings, she'd simply reject me, and I'd be shamed in the eyes of most of my other friends. Thing is, as much as I wish I didn't have such useless feelings, I do. I need to know how to stop it, or forget about it somehow. To completely and utterly throw all these thoughts out of the window.

Before anyone says, yes, I know it's a natural human emotion, but I can't allow it to make me forget reason and logic, which strongly suggests that there is no positive way this can end.

 

[loa]

You'll regret it if you don't try it you know. I would know.
Had many hot chicks liking me while I was all like "ehh I don't deserve a girlfiriend".
Even if it turns into a mess, at least you tried.
Just do it. If I could go back in time, I would slap myself and tell me just that.
Fucking do it, consequences be damned.

Sure, looks are a factor but don't underestimate the role character plays.
If she likes you, you must be doing something right.
Ask her out. If she says no, the world won't stop and you at least tried.
Who says you can't still be friends with her afterwards?
If she says yes, well...
That's really about all there can happen.

Now on the other side, imagine you keep this bottled up and then some dickwad makes his move on her.
It won't make you happy.

And get your mind off of that shit that it would be "selfish".
That's simply not true or do you want to have some sort of abusive relationship instead of a giving and taking?
What you want is NOT disgusting!
Stop thinking about how you don't deserve this because this and that and
just
try.

And if your other friends judge and shame you for working up the courage to stand by your feelings, to be honest to a friend, if that really makes them think less of you then you know what?
Those are terrible friends. Fuck them then.
But I think you're overly dramatizing the situation here anyway. Relax.

 

[Smooth Operator]

I feel disgusted at myself for these thoughts.

Mate, more then anything else this sort of thinking will make you look bad if not downright looney.

Sometimes we find people attractive and develop feelings for them, unless you can accept that sort of thing happening you can't accept what comes down the line and this will forever be your hitching point until you get over the hump.
At this point it really makes no sense you pursue anything because you got some things to clear up with yourself.

But when the time comes and you grasped what being human entails still do not go dumping your emotional baggage on other people, the goal is to attract them not dump your problems in their lap and expect them to handle it.
Your emotions are your responsibility, when they become your partner they can be your pillar of support but it is always on you to resolve your issues.
So let me re-iterate this very important point many people get wrong, you are suppose to attract a partner not pin them down with your pent up feelings.

Final note, yes we all want to wish our feelings away but the fact is we can't, either deal with them for what they are or suppress and have them eating away at your sanity for the rest of your existence.

 

[manic_depressive13]

I feel disgusted at myself for these thoughts. I can't imagine how horrible it would feel for a girl if I were to confess that I like her, so my thoughts are essentially selfish.

Yeah, you're over-reacting something epic. Why would it be horrible for her if you confessed your feelings? It might be slightly awkward if she refuses, but at the very least you'll give her a nice ego boost. It's not all you're making it out to be. Just ask her out.

Also, why would you be shamed in the eyes of all your friends? I guarantee you no one will give a shit. Unless you're still in high school, someone asking someone else out isn't anything anyone cares about, and even then it's forgotten within a week. People have their own problems. They don't care what you do.

 

[Doclector]

I feel disgusted at myself for these thoughts. I can't imagine how horrible it would feel for a girl if I were to confess that I like her, so my thoughts are essentially selfish.

Yeah, you're over-reacting something epic. Why would it be horrible for her if you confessed your feelings?

Because she would've been chatted up by something horrifyingly ugly and, I'll be honest, not all mentally there. Put it this way, if leatherface expressed a romantic interest in you, would you be flattered or horrified?

Also, why would you be shamed in the eyes of all your friends? I guarantee you no one will give a shit. Unless you're still in high school, someone asking someone else out isn't anything anyone cares about, and even then it's forgotten within a week. People have their own problems. They don't care what you do.

Because practically everyone else has suceeded in this field (not with her in particular, of course) and not only that, but they succeeded ages ago. Honestly, I can't find any reason not to be incredibly ashamed that I've failed at something everyone else seemed to find easy.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Because she would've been chatted up by something horrifyingly ugly and, I'll be honest, not all mentally there. Put it this way, if leatherface expressed a romantic interest in you, would you be flattered or horrified?

I would be flattered and I would probably say yes.

Because practically everyone else has suceeded in this field (not with her in particular, of course) and not only that, but they succeeded ages ago. Honestly, I can't find any reason not to be incredibly ashamed that I've failed at something everyone else seemed to find easy.

Yeah, you're being paranoid. No one else is going to see it that way, particularly not if they're friends. Bear in mind that you haven't actually failed and that she may well agree to go out with you. From the sound of it, it's very possible that she has been showing interest all this time and you just insist on chalking it up to her being friendly since you clearly have such low self esteem.

 

[Galletea]

I think your desire for this woman maybe stemming from your desire to 'succeed' in the area of ladies, and she is the only one that you have had a positive reaction from.There is certainly no need to feel disgusted with yourself. If you like her that much, and the shows you signs of affection occasionally, then ask her on a date. If she says no, then it will be a bit weird between you for a little while, and then it will be forgotten and you can get on with being friends again.

More importantly, it is very difficult to love someone who hates themselves and you obviously have an issue with your appearance. Even if you were totally hideous( and I doubt it) you should remember that looks don't have all that much to do with anything, confidence is more attractive than a perfect smile or sharp cheekbones. If you make an effort with your appearance, with your hair and your clothes, and take care of your skin, you may find it easier to live with your features, and grow to like them, or at least to gloss over them. Then your confidence will grow, as you will be less paranoid over how you look to people and can focus on just talking to them and this will help a whole lot in the relationship area.

Your friends shouldn't care about such things and if they do then they are not worthy of being your friends. Real friends are there for you and not ridiculing you.

 

[Doclector]

Stop being so down on yourself, you say you are not attractive, says who? Ask her, drop subtle hints if you're afraid to ask directly, I pisses me off to see people talk down to themselves, it annoys me to no end, have confidence, stop saying you're unattractive. Get a grip Harsh, sure but if you go on believing you are unattractive and would be laughed at by this girl if you asked her out, you will have a shattered self-esteem.

Why are you so hard on yourself?

A mix of things, I suppose. I guess part of it is the fact that I used to actually "try" to get a girlfriend, and I saw everyone around me get together with people, while I still failed at it. I couldn't see anything that I was actively doing wrong, and when I asked friends what I was doing wrong, they gave me the same old cliches. I still didn't think much of myself, but I never really let people know outside of the odd joke, not then, not now.

It doesn't help that when I look around, I see perfect looking people. I can count all the fat people I know on one hand. Everyone just looks so much like people are supposed to look like, at least according to popular opinion, anyway. I suppose it's possible I'm not a complete abomination, but in comparison with everyone else, I certainly am.

 

[Doclector]

Stop being so down on yourself, you say you are not attractive, says who? Ask her, drop subtle hints if you're afraid to ask directly, I pisses me off to see people talk down to themselves, it annoys me to no end, have confidence, stop saying you're unattractive. Get a grip Harsh, sure but if you go on believing you are unattractive and would be laughed at by this girl if you asked her out, you will have a shattered self-esteem.

Why are you so hard on yourself?

A mix of things, I suppose. I guess part of it is the fact that I used to actually "try" to get a girlfriend, and I saw everyone around me get together with people, while I still failed at it. I couldn't see anything that I was actively doing wrong, and when I asked friends what I was doing wrong, they gave me the same old cliches. I still didn't think much of myself, but I never really let people know outside of the odd joke, not then, not now.

It doesn't help that when I look around, I see perfect looking people. I can count all the fat people I know on one hand. Everyone just looks so much like people are supposed to look like, at least according to popular opinion, anyway. I suppose it's possible I'm not a complete abomination, but in comparison with everyone else, I certainly am.

Seems to me you have a DIRE lack of self-esteem if you actually called yourself an abomination, dude, these feelings are very harmful to your self-conscious. You seem to be bummed about not having a girl-friend, actively looking for one is not the way to go. I got my first girlfriend by hanging out with my cousin and her friends and I asked the one I liked out, we have since broken up but I still didn't feel bad about not having a girlfriend, you'll find one, stop moping, It probably reflects badly on your personage.

You seem to hate your looks, what is it about yourself you think makes you look like an "Abomination"?

I don't normally mope publicly. I don't try to get a girlfriend these days, I had pretty much given up. I'm mostly happy, it's kinda ironic that my worst times tend to be when I become interested in someone or I think they're interested in me, because I have to keep reminding myself of how impossible and ridiculous that idea is.

I just look wrong. I'm not the fattest person in the world, but I'm not perfect like everyone else. I doubt I ever could be, I'm not much of a cook and excercising is often interrupted by time constraints. Besides, there's more wrong than that. My face is kinda rounder than it should be, eyes too sunk, ears too big, nose too upturned. Pretty much the opposite of what's attractive, and I'd have to pretty naive to believe that anyone but an incredibly small minority really cares about much else.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

My best friend of ten years was in your situation, his self esteem was low, he thought he looked horrible and no one would ever go out with him.

Finally he worked up the courage to ask me out and I didn't feel disgusted at all, in fact it was more "FINALLY about time."


From the girls perspective (although I speak only for myself, a girl who has been on the receiving end of this situation) the lack of self confidence is probably your biggest problem. This can be a big discouragement. It hints at lots of baggage and a difficult relationship.

It's hard I know, but you need to be more comfortable with yourself, if she's still around you, chances are she's not repulsed by you and obviously enjoys your company, which is half the battle.

Just ask her, worse case, you get rejected. You can still be friends.

 

[DefiantGoblin]

This just sounds like you've got makor self esteem issues.

Nobody is perfect we all have flaws and things we dislike about ourselves - personally I'm quite self conscious about my teeth. The thing about appearance is that there is no such thing as normal or perfect and just because you don't necessarily look like Ryan Reynolds doesn't make you ugly.

Just go for it with the girl mate. Worst comes to worst she knocks you back, you dust yourself off and get on with your life. If she acts as horrified and tactless as you think in your post then clearly ahe's not as nice a person as you think - and as such you'd have dodged a bullet there.

Liking people isn't selfish, hell by letting her know you're interested in her and find her attractive you might at least make her feel valued and make her day.

Good luck man.