Aghh what a situation!

[Flamehero1]

Guys please I need help. Here's the story.

Recently I broke up with my girlfriend. Now this other girl had been growing on me for a long time and I eventually worked up the courage to ask her to go on a date with me. She then came back to mine to stay at my parents (nothing happened btw) However my parents were not told of this and saw her leavin in the morning. They grounded me and are not talking to me and saying they dont want the girl in the house again. Now she is unaware she has done anything wrong and I have not told her. I really care about this girl and she feels the same but I am unsure how to approach my parents about this.

So to the question. How do I speak to my parents about getting ungrounded and getting them to trust me and let the girl up. Also how long should I wait before asking this girl to be my girlfriend.

 

[Sayvara]

Well the sensible thing would be to ask them "why?" and take a good hard listen. Then perhaps ask them "what would it take to change your mind?"

/S

 

[Proteus214]

Well the sensible thing would be to ask them "why?" and take a good hard listen. Then perhaps ask them "what would it take to change your mind?"

/S

This is really the best way to start. Having an open dialog with your parents will most likely clear up a lot of the frustration you are feeling since at this point you aren't seeing a reason as to why they are punishing you. Most likely the best way to get them to change their minds will be to show them that the two of you have an affectionate, yet healthy relationship that won't get in the way of you becoming a healthy and responsible adult. That's really what many parents want out of their kids.

 

[Flamehero1]

I think they're more angry about the betrayl of trust by not telling them.

 

[Hop-along Nussbaum]

Their house. Their rules.

Yes, it sucks, but someday down the road, when you have kids of your own, you'll understand their point of view. Talk to the girl, and explain what happened. She'll understand that it's not your fault.

But if you do decide to approach your folks, do it standing up and talking like an adult, with reason, and accept responsiblity for your actions. Discuss, do not argue. Don't whine and fuss that this is "not fair". That'll will immediately destroy any chance you have of winning the discussion.

 

[Flamehero1]

Mother won't even talk to me. I am trying guys.

 

[Zantos]

I always found my Dad was more responsive on these matters.

Go to apologize for breaking the rules and talk it through with him, if you act like an adult he should treat you like one. Plus bear in mind that somewhere in the back of their mind there's a sense of the fact that both your parents were once your age, something which can be worth subtley appealing to.

 

[Simalacrum]

I think they're more angry about the betrayl of trust by not telling them.

You think. Thats the key word there. Talk to them! Simply ask "why", and tell them you want to understand what you've done wrong. It seems to me like a situation that can be solved with a proper discussion about the matter.

 

[zombiesinc]

Mother won't even talk to me. I am trying guys.

Keep trying.

Honestly, they have a right to be upset with you, 'cause you didn't tell them she'd be staying the night. You're obviously still young, a baby in their eyes, and these are the sort of things you really need to make an effort to communicate about with them. If you meet a girl, and want her to come over, ask your parents permission. It is, after all, their house. Having a girl not only visit, but stay the night? I can understand how they're upset. That being said, I think in time they'll be willing to listen. This is something you should learn from though. When living with your parents, you need to respect them. If someone's coming over, no matter for how long, you need to ask permission. It's a sign of respect, and it'll always help you avoid situations like this. If your parents do eventually come around and agree to listen to you, explain to them that you understand why they're upset, that you accept the punishment, and that in the future it will not happen, period. From there, go on to explain that you really like this girl, and as such, weren't really thinking about her staying the night. Explain that you were distracted by the excitement of spending time with someone you enjoy spending time with. If you wish, go on to explain that nothing happened, and that you take that sort of stuff seriously. Hopefully after talking to them, listening to what they have to say, and recognizing what you did that upset them, they'll be willing to allow her over in the future.

Depending on how that plays out, you'll have to decide whether or not you're going to let the girl know what happened. If your parents won't allow her over for a while, or ever, it's in your best interest to explain it all to her. Just be honest, and clear that she's not to blame. If you do really do get along, it should work itself out.

 

[SiskoBlue]

They may say it's about trust and in some ways it is but really it's about fear. Their fear that they'll be grandparents in 9 months. Their fear that they suddenly have to be all friendly with some girl who is worming her way into their family. They feel threatened and scared.

It seems unfair to punish her when she didn't know the rules but they might be thinking "What kind of girl stays at some boys house without meeting his parents?" It looks like the two of you have colluded to deceive them.

Allay their fears. Tell them this "I know you're mad and I'm sorry I let her stay without asking, I was just so excited that she wanted to spend time with me at all (touch of self-deprication there, you mother won't resist making you feel better). I understand it's fair for you to ground me but I told her (the girl) that it would be ok so she doesn't know she doing something wrong so please don't ban her from the house until you've met her. And I promise, we haven't had sex and I have absolute no intention of getting her or anyone else pregnant and ruining my life, I swear".

If you get a bit of wiggle room then make sure this girl comes to your parent's house in a more socially acceptable way next time. Nothing makes a dad more nervous than the thought of strangers being in your house without you even knowing. She could have stolen something (I'm a Dad, I know what he fears). Your mum on the other hand just doesn't want to imagine her little boy having sex. End of story. Your only hope is to get her to see it as a romance as opposed to getting laid. Talk about the social stuff you do with this girl. Don't over do it though or they'll think you've got baby-juice squeezing the sense out of your brain.

If you get angry or defensive with them you are screwed, and not by the girl.

Good luck.