ALL Parents and Children

Recommended Videos

Ambi

New member
Oct 9, 2009
863
0
0
She sounds like a narrow-minded suffocating *****. Children need freedom and resources to learn things for themselves and not be taught that the conventional notions of success are of absolute importance, as cliche as that might sound.

My parents had a much looser parenting style regarding pressure to succeed. They were encouraging and gave me mostly free reign of creative resources and my time. I would have definitely benefited from pressure and discipline, because I wasted whatever talent was fostered by that environment in my younger years and almost failed school. But there should be balance, and what this woman is doing is maddening.

I feel a bit disdainful towards peppy authoritarian officialdom. Guitar lessons? That doesn't sound very "rock and roll". Boy scouts? Waste of money, let them loose in the forest =P That'd cross "swim team" off the list too seeing as it counts as physical activity. Sure, let them try out different activities, but packing up a schedule for them is cruel.
 

Von Strimmer

New member
Apr 17, 2011
375
0
0
warprincenataku said:
American parents aren't pushing their kids no more than any other nationality. Japanese students study 6-7 days a week for 10+ hours a day.

Thai students, mine inparticular, study from 8:30 in the morning until 6:30 in the evening six days a week. The boys usually have scouts twice a week, plus clubs and sometimes sports. The girls usually have the same, minus the scouts, and usually some sort of musical class.

So yeah, you want your kids to succeed, push them until they crack.
Dude I tried to read what you said. I got about half way through, saw your avatar and couldn't read another word I was just too distracted.

Oh yeah... ummm... Still distracted. Parents shouldn't push kids too far it burns them out.
 

Matt9102

New member
Aug 14, 2011
37
0
0
My dad, being a single parent, does what he can for us. He doesn't want us to be perfect. A D on our report card doesn't mean we get grounded for a year. We get scolded and, provided our other classes were good, get warned to try and do better. We don't have to be enrolled in many things. I don't do a sport, for example, and I don't have any lessons. I do choir and thats all he wants from me for activities. You may say he is doing too, little, but he works and is the only person parenting us as my mother is in a different state. So its not all families.
 

TheDooD

New member
Dec 23, 2010
812
0
0
Yermenko said:
I can relate to this some what. When I moved to North Carolina I was extremely pressured to get good grades the bad thing nobody would help me understand it. I was forced to stay up until 1am or later until I finished my homework. I got good grades because I was pissed off. Being angry at school work made me hate trying harder because it was I knew it wasn't to make me happy it was to make somebody else happy. The only classes I felt free in were Gym and Art classes. Even then I was sent mixed signals to stop my art and me playing video games to play football mind you I always been short. That made me start to hate sports so I never dared tried out for any of them because I knew it would be for me it'll always be for somebody else.

When I got into high school I started lifting weights with my friend everyday after school since I didn't have gym until the next semester, I wanted to get ahead start on gym classes. Yet it seemed like my brother was afraid of me lifting weights because I got pretty damn big, much bigger then he was. Then he started pressuring me to be more social then lifting weights, doing homework and art. Overall every time I really good at something my brother who was my guardian got pissed off and set me up to fail.

In my Junior year of high school I dropped out because I was tired physically and mentally burned out. I was done with the bullshit. I was tired of my brother reading my emails from friends at school. I was tired of the gang members on my bus to school. I was tired of the day in day out I felt like I wasn't learning anything I was simply existing at that school. sick and tired of my brother claim that I was gay because I put a massive amount of effort into my art.

I was overall sick of being pushed to do one thing and the moment I get really good at it. I'm being told to not do it over and over again.

I know its not exactly as what happened to your nephew but I felt how being pressured to do so much and not really understanding why your doing it can just make you crack. Yet your sister no offense seems to be that bratty child for one you just wanted to make sure the kid was alright. Yet she had no right to call your mom and twist the entire subject to make you seem like the bad guy, that was very low of her. Just because she pop that kid out doesn't mean she's automatically mother of the year. How she reacted to your advice kinda proves how closed minded she is on the subject. She called you can unmarried, college drop out like it was TRULY offensive. It sounds like you have your life straight you have a car, a home and have your head on straight. Yet she belittles you just because of past mistakes imo I count being married at a young age a mistake unto itself, yet that's a different rant unto itself.

She needs to slow down because she doesn't know the next your nephew snaps he might not run your house, I really hope it doesn't lead to that. Yet she needs to realize she's putting massive stress on that child and its not healthy at all. So what if he get good grades and all that when the moment he turns 18 he basically says "fuck you mom" and throws all that away just to spite her because he grew a deep seeded hatred of her. She might think she's loving him yet it seems she's too caught up on a child no being a "loser". I say a mother who doesn't believe in the true potential of their child is a loser on their own.
 

Grospoliner

New member
Feb 16, 2010
474
0
0
Here is what you tell your sister.

"Your son came to me, at 2 in the morning, to tell me of his problems. He did not go to you. He did not tell you his problems. Do you know why? He does not trust you. He instead trusts me more than you. Do you know what this means? That you have failed in your duty as a parent. You have failed to provide him a stable environment with which to explore the world around him, to develop his personality on his own. It is not the duty of the parent to push their child. It is their duty to challenge and inform them. Challenging does not mean overloading the kid with work, and no not every kid in school does "at least this much" that is a blanket statement and the sign of a failed argument. Now, before you lose your son's complete respect, you need to stop, reevaluate what you have been doing, sit down and have a long calm discussion about your child, because you have been doing nothing but forcing your ideals on him and that is not your job as a parent."

It would seem to me that she has not even attempted to understand her own child or even the children of others.
 

Nickolai77

New member
Apr 3, 2009
2,843
0
0
Grospoliner said:
"Your son came to me, at 2 in the morning, to tell me of his problems. He did not go to you. He did not tell you his problems. Do you know why? He does not trust you. He instead trusts me more than you. Do you know what this means? That you have failed in your duty as a parent. You have failed to provide him a stable environment with which to explore the world around him, to develop his personality on his own. It is not the duty of the parent to push their child. It is their duty to challenge and inform them. Challenging does not mean overloading the kid with work, and no not every kid in school does "at least this much" that is a blanket statement and the sign of a failed argument. Now, before you lose your son's complete respect, you need to stop, reevaluate what you have been doing, sit down and have a long calm discussion about your child, because you have been doing nothing but forcing your ideals on him and that is not your job as a parent."
I don't know if i would have the balls to say that to any of my siblings, but damn you hit the nail on the head with that post.



On topic: I think it's best if parents encourage and support their children to do an extra-curricular activity or two. Certainly not as many activities as the OP's sister, because not all activities open to a child will interest them. Personally i would recommend encouraging them to take up either a sport/club activity and play an instrument.* But you certainly don't want them to try and do absolutely everything, otherwise you'd just over-load them with stress.

And also, being scout-leader, treasurer, athlete, piano whizz etc at 15 won't really make you that much more employable ten years time when your looking for a proper job. Employers are more interested in what you've done recently, at 25, you are not the same person you were at 15. It's better to pick a few long-term activities you genuinely like, such as playing the keyboard or playing football, and keep at them so your experiences in such activities are "recent history" by the time your sitting down for a job interview all those years later.

Plus, kids remember how they were treated after they've left the home. If they didn't feel respected as children, they are less likely to return same respect when their parents need it the most- when they are old, elderly and frail. Karma bitches.


[small]*As a side note, why do pushy parents always make their children play either the piano or the violin? I would rather my kids took singing lessons, played the guitar or drums so they can win the respect of a lot of their peers as they play in a rock-band, this boosting their self-confidence in school which would translate into confidence in their adult life. [/small]
 

Delsana

New member
Aug 16, 2011
866
0
0
Yermenko said:
Forgive me if this is a mess. Feel free to jump to the end.

Soooooo??I feel sorry for kids today. My nephew (age 15) is a great young man. Good grades, athletic, funny, and just plain likeable. And he showed up at my door at 2 in the morning in tears. He came in and had what I, as a layman, would call a mental breakdown. His mother (my sister) has been pushing him way too far, and I never even knew. And this sort of thing seems to be happening all over the country.

So here is a little rundown of his activities and what his mother expects.

Boy scouts- He must reach Eagle
Swim Team- He must be varsity
Piano- Lessons twice a week
He is also on the debate team, takes honors course work, is treasurer of the student council, is big in his church youth group. Hell, when he was younger he also did pretty much every Rec sport offered.

Add to that the social pressures of being 15 in today?s world. He asked for an iphone because every other student in his school has one. It is apparently a faux pas not to update your face book every five minutes, or miss a tweet. And at 15 you get to worry about sex, drugs, and being popular (you know, the stuff we worried about at that age).

This would have killed me. But he has taken it in stride. But now his mom is putting him in an SAT prep class because he should have his college picked by next year. And that was the proverbial straw. He is going to have an ulcer by 16!

I drove him home had a word with my sister. It didn?t go well. I told her that her son needed to take some time off from being Wonder Teen, and that she should try not to push him or his little sister (only 7)into more then they can handle. She started by arguing that every kid at his school does this much. Then she swore she didn?t force him into anything. Then she went on the attack, pointing out that had our parents pushed me a little more I wouldn?t be ?an unmarried college dropout, with no right to tell her how to raise her children?. Then she threw me out. By the time I got home my mother had called my cell 4 times. My lovely sister had just sent her a text informing her that she was an awful parent and she was going to make sure her kids didn?t turn out as losers. So yeah??.bit of a mess.

Anyway, to get to my point (I have one, I have one) are American parents pushing kids too hard? Should we start them in football at 4? Hit the Beauty Pageant scene at 7? Should they do 10 hours of review for standardized testing each week? I know we want our kids to excel, but it all seemsjust seems pants on head insane. Right? Right? Give me your take on parents and kids.
I did not worry about sex or drugs at 15...

I'd say it's reasonable for her to hope and push for those things, but not to expect them right out.

Oh and the college thing makes sense.
 

Beliyal

Big Stupid Jellyfish
Jun 7, 2010
503
0
0
Korolev said:
Luckily, my goals aligned with my parents goals (they didn't brain-wash me, I came to appreciate science on its own). For my brother... well, unfortunately he was of a different mind-set and suffered a lot of stress under my mother's strict parenting style.
You made some good points, and technically, I agree that parents should push their children into things they might not like, at least to give children the possibility to test out all possibilities (you can't know if you'd be good at sports/science/art if you never tried it). However, this paragraph I quoted points to something else. I assume, as you said it, that your mother raised (or tried to raise) both you and your brother the same way. But it only worked on you. So, was it really your mother's strict parenting that made you the way you are, or were you just like that on your own? Because, if it was your mother's parenting, why didn't it work on your brother? I have a similar situation at home; my parents were not strict and it worked well on me. I had choices and I understood them, so I chose to do what I was good at and I decided my career very early in my childhood, while my brother took this as an opportunity to do nothing. The same thing with you, apparently; you responded well to strict parenting because it suited you, but your brother didn't because it didn't suit him. So, should parents impose strictness on all children, despite their different personalities and needs, or should they model the parenting according to the kids' needs? I think parents should get to know their children and then raise them according to their needs. Strict parenting for you, a bit less stressful parenting for your brother (and the opposite in my case; relaxed parenting for me and strict parenting for my brother). Despite being siblings, kids are rarely the same in their needs. There are kids who demand pressure and stress and there are kids who lead miserable lives because of it. One of my friends was the type of a person who just needed to attend every school and out of school activity. During high-school, he attended two high-schools (ordinary and musical) and passed them both with As. He needed that and it worked well for him (and his older sister). If my mother tried to impose that to me, I would have ended with a nervous breakdown at the age 15, just like the poor child from the OP's post. I was not that type of a person and I never will be. I am more static, focused on a single (and one or two more) subject and I study it to death. Now, I'm sure I would have been great if my mother forced me to get piano lessons (I have a good ear for music), but I simply do not have the need to do it. It would distract me from other things that I enjoyed doing and ultimately, would serve no purpose (besides giving my mother something to brag about).

So, to conclude, I believe that some children need to be pushed into everything, and I also believe some kids should not. If your child goes to his uncle, crying and shaking and obviously having a breakdown, then the parent will have to ease with the activities and first attend to his/her kid's health and well-being. Maybe, they'll have to live with the fact that their child is not a jack of all trades and that he/she is not the wunderkind they hoped for. A lot of times I've witnessed parents who failed something in their youth and now push their kids into those activities because they regret for what they missed. Those parents need to stop living through their kids and let their kids live their own lives. However, as I said, some kids need a push, some even want it themselves. Parents should be able to see that and model their parenting according to the needs of their children. It's wonderful to see that a child responds well to stress and excels in everything, without suffering from medical problems related to nerves and stress. But it's sad to see kids living miserably because their parents can't understand that some things simply aren't for them. I'd like my kids (someday) to be intelligent wunderkinds, but if they end up not being that, I'll certainly not force them to be something they are not. That's counter-productive, for me and them.

So, to answer the OP, I believe your sister needs to think her priorities through and decide whether she wants her kid to be the best in everything regardless of the child's needs, interest and, most importantly, health or she'll loosen up a bit and let the child have some time to breathe.

Korolev said:
I had to the take the so-called "Suicide Six" subjects in High-school (Physics, Biology, Chemistry, Maths B (intermediate maths) and Maths C (advanced maths) plus the compulsory English).
I just wanted to address this because it's very interesting how education differs from country to country. In my country (Croatia), we have a lot of types of high schools, with the "standard type" being the gymnasium. Most kids go there, on average. In it, we have between 15 and 17 subject per year (depending on the year; the third I think is the most crowded), all compulsory for everyone. Subjects are: Croatian language and literature, English language and literature, Italian/German language and literature, Latin (first two years), Math, Physics, Chemistry, Biology, Psychology (second and third year), Sociology (third year), History, Art History, Geography, Philosophy (fourth year), Ethics/Religious class, Politics (fourth year), Gym, Music History, Computer Sciences (first year) and one facultative subject that we choose among ourselves and all class has to attend (we first had Computer Sciences and last three years we chose English. For three years, we had 5 hours of English per week, while we only had 4 hours of Croatian. It was great because we had a great professor and we all learned English well). All of those subjects are compulsory for all, no one gets to choose which ones to attend (besides choosing Ethics or Religious class, but one or the other is compulsory. And you get either Italian or German depending on which class you get into (I got Italian)). Also, we have a variant of Language gymnasium where they lose Physics and Chemistry after first or second year (I'm not sure) and get one more language (French usually) and a few more hours for other languages and we also have a Math gymnasium variant where they learn more Maths and Physics and lose some hours from language classes. There's also a Classical gymnasium where they have four years of Latin AND Greek, along with all else. Granted, some of those are easy (Art, Music, Ethics, Computer Sciences for most of us), but combining everything else and it's not easy. Difference between us being that we all have go through the "Suicide six". It's a standard. And it's not just six. I just wanted to give perspective (and we'd love to have your system and be able to choose classes).
 

TheDooD

New member
Dec 23, 2010
812
0
0
Grospoliner said:
Here is what you tell your sister.

"Your son came to me, at 2 in the morning, to tell me of his problems. He did not go to you. He did not tell you his problems. Do you know why? He does not trust you. He instead trusts me more than you. Do you know what this means? That you have failed in your duty as a parent. You have failed to provide him a stable environment with which to explore the world around him, to develop his personality on his own. It is not the duty of the parent to push their child. It is their duty to challenge and inform them. Challenging does not mean overloading the kid with work, and no not every kid in school does "at least this much" that is a blanket statement and the sign of a failed argument. Now, before you lose your son's complete respect, you need to stop, reevaluate what you have been doing, sit down and have a long calm discussion about your child, because you have been doing nothing but forcing your ideals on him and that is not your job as a parent."

It would seem to me that she has not even attempted to understand her own child or even the children of others.
From how she reacted the first time if the OP says this it's a chance he might go to jail because she'll flip her shit and twist the entire subject again to make him look bad. It's 100% truth yet I noticed crazy women don't want common sense and truth in their argument. All they want is to push their flawed opinion and if they don't get their way it can turn from an argument to somebody getting physically hurt. Trust me on this my mom threaten to stab me because the knives were blunt and wanted to fight me multiple times just because I disagreed with her opinion. Like I said before hand she'll need to slow her roll before the kid does something he'll regret just so he can get away from her.
 

similar.squirrel

New member
Mar 28, 2009
6,021
0
0
You could look at this another way. The kid's probably going to be immensely successful when he is older, and consequently live a comfortable and fulfilling lifestyle. Your sister may be being a bit harsh [and her reaction to your concern was appalling, which indicates a whole load of underlying issues], but I think she just wants the best for him.

My parents are of the bohemian variety; all about personal exploration and Steiner schools and all of that well-meaning but potentially harmful stuff. I got below-average grades on my high-school diploma twice and the disgusting mentality that was caused by having to discuss my feelings instead of learning math is just starting to wear off. I'm lucky to have gotten into a course I will probably love at what amounts to community college.
Not that I'm blaming them, because that's shirking personal responsibility. But still, driving your kids hard is not always a bad thing. You just need to get a healthy balance.
 

AlAaraaf74

New member
Dec 11, 2010
523
0
0
Only if the child doesn't like the activities they participate in. My friend plays 4 different instruments, practices martial arts, is in high honors classes, helps the mentally disabled, and volenteers at the library in the summer. Her parents don't push her to do this, she just has a wonderful personality.

But if a parent pushes their kid to be a part of 3 different sports that he hates, like my other friend, they are pushing him too hard.