Am I being unfair?

[bleys2487]

I share an apartment with my friend. I'm typically a clean person. I don't like things lying around or mess in general. But, I'm not crazy about it.

Anyway, my room mate is the exact opposite. She leaves stuff everywhere. Literally everywhere. Let me clarify. This means she leaves her clothes everywhere (stuff that hasn't been washed in forever). She leaves food out, like milk and yogurt. She takes days to do her dishes. Even then she lets food sit in the sink instead of putting it into the trash and taking it out.

Our fridge that we share is filled with food she doesn't eat. She leaves containers open. It smells like rot. There was rotting, fish in there a few days ago. And it wasn't even in a container.

I don't even want to start on the bathroom. It smells like death. Her washcloths just sit in the shower and smell god awful. The trash can is filled with just her mess. We're both women and if you know what I mean, I take care of my 'feminine items'. I discovered rotting, used 'feminine items' in the trash that she had left a month ago.

Anyway, I recently raged and cleaned everything. You see, I've been getting more and more sick. I had a rash going from my neck up to my jaw line. It was raised, itched and was noticeable. My boyfriend had open sores appearing on his head. He had open sores in his nose. Once cleaned, these things started to subside.

A few days later, it all caught up with me (this has been going on since September), being in close quarters cleaning all of it up. I had gloves and a mask, but I had already been exposed. I went to the ER as my throat seized. I was put on antibiotics, a respirator, steroids, etc. I just got out of the hospital and am still a little ill. The doctors said it was due to mold and bacteria.

I told her, in the nicest way possible that she just needs to clean up after herself. It's getting me sick. She responded by saying that 'We' need to clean more. Yes, 'We', even though none of the mess out in the apartment is mine. I took it with a grain of salt.

Now, she's giving me the silent treatment. She told my boyfriend that she has a problem with me. She didn't even care that I had to go to the ER. She never said a thing. She told my boyfriend that she was 'So busy with everything and has a lot going on.' Funny thing was, she was on facebook and going to the mall while she said that. When I was back from the ER, she didn't even come out of her room, she facebook messaged me from it just saying 'Get well soon'.

She's the RM of our resident hall and she's a hospitality major too. Ironic, huh?

Should I just ditch the idea she'll come around? Should I go to housing and show them what is going on? She could get fired and dismissed from the resident hall as it's a violation of the contract.

Sorry for the long rant and any spelling/grammatical errors. I'm on my iPad. And thanks for reading it.

 

[SlaveNumber23]

Make her a nice big dinner and put little bits of glass and needles in it.

Bring the gavel down on this asshole, get her reported and kicked out or whatever you need to do. There is nothing unfair about your feelings, you don't have to live with such a selfish person. My advice is to surgically remove this 'friend' from your life like a tumor. You don't need to give her any more chances.

 

[White Lightning]

Dude that's gross... you should... umm... make her clean.

 

[IrradiatedFish]

Should I just ditch the idea she'll come around? Should I go to housing and show them what is going on? She could get fired and dismissed from the resident hall as it's a violation of the contract.

Sorry for the long rant and any spelling/grammatical errors. I'm on my iPad. And thanks for reading it.

Wow, that's awful, you have every reason to be wearing thin on patience ! Are you being unfair? Certainly not. She's being extremely unreasonable if it has gotten so severe that someone was hospitalized as a result of it.

Unfortunately, if the problem is continuing in the same way and there has been no indication of it improving, I would imagine that you're probably out of luck in terms of her coming around. That said, you know her better than any random poster on this website is likely to, and it's going to be up to your best judgement to make the decision on how to act (but regardless, I do suggest you act as I'll explain more below).

Considering what you've already described though, if I was in your position, I would definitely be confronting her. You said you've told her about cleaning up already, but make sure you're very assertive when getting your point across. If that really has had no effect, then telling her that you're going to be bringing the issue up to your residence hall would be a good course of action; if she still doesn't respond, I'd suggest that you follow up on those words. You said yourself that it's in violation of the contract.

It may seem harsh to do these things if she's your friend, but I don't think a true "friend" would disrespect you so severely by making you live in these conditions. Ultimately, if you look at the bigger picture, this could end up being bad for the whole residence; you said your sickness was due to mold, and organic contaminants building up in your living space could end up affecting the whole structure. Regardless of what course of action you take, you really do need to act on it for your not only your well being, but hers too, as well as the rest of the residence if the situation is that severe.

No need to apologize for the rant, that's what this forum is here for ( and if you think it's long, you should see my colossal posts on my own thread )! Anyway, I sincerely wish you the best of luck and I hope things don't get too messy. I hope my opinion is useful to you, Cheers!

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

You aren't being unfair at all. If she's so bad that it's actually caused you to go to the ER because of health issues and she seems to not even be bothered by that, you should most certainly do something about it. It's your health after all and you don't want to continue living in a dangerous situation.

How you go about it is the tricky part. If I were in your situation I would try talking to her again and be very straightforward. If she shows no improvement, or she cleans up her mess but it gets back to that point again, then take the more extreme measure of reporting her. I think a real friend would care if they'd done something to hurt you.

 

[HumourlessBaboon]

She must pay. In so many ways. Get compensation for your ER and other bills.
First, do what EclipseDragon said.
Then, if you can't sue her (which I am sure you can and should), find some way to get through to her that she needs to "clean up" her act (that's not wrong, right?). Then take the money and move in with your boyfriend. I would tell you to kick her out, but she deserves to live in her own filth without someone as generous as you helping out.
You sound like the ideal roommate and I'm sorry you had to go through this bulls#%t.

 

[ohnoitsabear]

Confront her about it. Do not beat around the bush at all, be assertive, and don't let her pull any of the "I'm too busy to put my milk back in the fridge" bullshit.

Now, I'm normally a really untidy guy, but that sounds disgusting. Even discounting the fact that you had to go to the hospital, if it gets to the point where you have to spend significant amounts of your time picking up her mess, then it's time to confront her. The fact that you went to the ER just means that this needs to be dealt with now.

If, for some reason, you are unable to talk to her about it, or what your saying does not get through to her, have your boyfriend talk to her on your behalf. If that still doesn't work, talk to the landlord (or whatever the equivalent is where you're living right now) and have them sort it out.

Bottom line, your roommate needs to figure out that she has a problem and fix it soon, or else she needs to move out.

 

[IndomitableSam]

Public shaming. Take photos and post them online, print them and stick them up in public places. Keep doing it. Call anyone you can at school who has the ability to kick her out.

I'm not a tidy person, I don't clean much at all. But I'm the chef, so it's a give and take. I clean the kitchen, do garbage, clean my toilet.

But, yes. Public shaming. I'm an asshole, but I would do it.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Should I just ditch the idea she'll come around? Should I go to housing and show them what is going on? She could get fired and dismissed from the resident hall as it's a violation of the contract.

I'm going to play devil's advocate. The way you've presented the information here makes your case 100% locked up in your favor, which makes me wonder why you'd even need to ask for input at all. So I'll get that out of the way. If everything you've said is true, obviously you are not being unfair.

When I was younger, I spent a couple of years co-habitating with my sister. My sister is a lot cleaner than me. I'm not an epic slob like the woman you described and our home was not a demilitarized zone, but I'm apathetic about dusting and I'll let "untidyness" run rampant if left to my own devices, I'm a classic bachelor in that respect. My sister is a very, very clean person. She's the kind of person who dusts the duster. She's also an incurable hypochondriac. Needless to say, our conflicts over cleaning schedules were epic and passive aggressive, and we were BOTH being unfair.

I would hesitate to ascribe open sores, rashes, and trips to the ER to a messy apartment unless we're talking Hoarders messy, with thick mold visible and actual filth everywhere you look. I've lived in a truly disastrous shared apartment with an actual hoarder, and it did not result in open sores. And without going into details, I can assure you it was on many levels of magnitude worse than what you describe.

So, is it unfair for you to ask people to clean up their messes? Of course not! Is it unreasonable to feel upset if someone's messes made you sick? Of course not! Is leaving food out to rot the sign of a mature or sensible individual? Of course not!

I'm merely suggesting that you review your post for editorial bias, and consider whether or not the apartment is actually giving you open sores, because that's some "I live in an irradiated wasteland" shit, not "I live in a dirty apartment and my roommate won't properly wash her underthings". And you should probably get some blood tests and what not done because open sores should not spontaneously appearing on anyone because you're in proximity to some mess.

 

[verdestylo13]

Go to housing with photos (if you have them) Bring your ER records. Demand to be moved.
She cause you to become Physically ILL. Get your self in to another space with out her in it.
Now is not the time to be Sweet and Nice. It's time now to get your self in to a clean place to live. Document everything so you have some thing to back you up in case of any disbelief on the School's Part.

Think about getting representation just in cause she decides that she wishes to fight with you or the school.


Wishing you Good Luck and a return to GOOD HEALTH!

 

[Evan Arduser]

I agree with the above statements. Your roommate has to realize that this is not her apartment. It belongs to both of you.

Plus, I'd think that any normal person would clean up their shit if they caused someone to become ill like you. Seriously. She sounds like a terrible person. I'd kick her out the next time I see her or just leave.

But yeah, you are not being unfair in any way whatsoever. It's perfectly reasonable for you to respond to this sort of selfishness.

 

[Batou667]

Should I just ditch the idea she'll come around?

Yes. People like the girl you described are borderline delusional. You literally can't make them see that a problem exists. If they're polite they might nod their heads and make sympathetic noises just to humor you, but they never actually back up their words with change.

Your situation sounds completely intolerable. Do whatever you have to, either move yourself out or kick her out. Feelings be damned.

Dude that's gross... you should... umm... make her clean.

Cleanse her WITH FIRE.

 

[Zantos]

Yeah, just general backing up of what's been said. If you end up in hospital because of it then it has gone too far. If someone from housing were to do come round then you'd both be held responsible, regardless of how much mess was yours or hers.

I was ill due to living conditions a few years ago. The house wasn't properly insulated or sealed and damp got everywhere, it can be seriously detrimental and only gets worse the longer you're exposed to that. If it really is that bad there is absolutely nothing out of line with reporting her to housing, you coming forward about it coupled with a doctors note should cover you from at least the most serious repercussions. Even if it doesn't, eviction and loss of deposit is still better than ending up in hospital more.

 

[Deverfro]

Find a way to get a new room mate. If you had to go to the fucking hospital, then yes, its a problem.

 

[Coffeejack]

She's being unfair. It's a threat to your health so you should either get a new room-mate or move out. Moving out to a cleaner place would probably be easier and better.