Am I just at fault?

[Screamarie]

Your both of equal blame to me. You know she's got a boyfriend but your fucking her anyways, that's not right. It's one thing if you don't know this person has another lover, but if you know...you're just as much to blame cause you do the right thing and say no, but you didn't. And if he's such a dick to her, then she needs to break up with him, doesn't make her right in cheating. Two wrongs don't make a right and all that.

So...yeah...that guilty feeling? It's there for a reason!

 

[YCRanger]

So you are essentially the guy the girl is cheating with. Even worse the relationship is purely physical with no emotional attachment. Which means like most cheating couples you don't even have the luxury of the excuse that you belong together. Even more worse you know the guy who's girl you are currently screwing..... and you are asking if you are in the wrong here. Wow.

Yes
Yes. you are in the wrong here
Don't even try to wiggle out of it.

Pretty much all of this. You are just as much at fault as her. The fact that you even have to ask shows that you either lack a moral compass or are really just oblivious.

 

[V da Mighty Taco]

You know she's in a relationship but have sex with her anyway? Not okay, dude. Not okay. I mean, let's be honest here: Everybody reading your question agrees that it's better not to do what you're doing. If he's a D-bag, then have her tell him instead of using it as an excuse to do something that, when push comes to shove, you have to agree isn't something that good people do.

tl;dr: You're helping her do something immoral. Not okay.

I think the guilt should be with her, not you. You want to park the beef bus in tuna town, she knows it, you know it. She's a grown woman and can make her own decisions. Unless you roofie her all the time, you have no blame. Don't reduce her to a helpless child by shifting blame on yourself. If you fucked a 100 married girls and each of their husbands found out, it's their decision.

I don't think I'm reducing her to a helpless child. I'm just saying that a good person wouldn't help somebody do something immoral. You say that "the guilt should be with her, not you," but I never said she's not guilty. She obviously is. But saying that he has no blame at all is silly. You might as well say that selling a gun to a school shooter who makes his intentions clear from the start isn't immoral, since you're not shooting the people, you're just making sure that the shooter's got a gun to kill innocents with.

EDIT: Okay, I think I've got a better example. Imagine that an Al-Qaida guy has managed to reach the Oval Office to shoot Barack Obama, but runs out of ammo killing his body guards. You're walking by, and he shouts "Please! Ammo! I need to shoot Obama!"
"Okay," you reply and throw him some ammo. He reloads and kills the president. Would you say that you'd done nothing wrong then? And if you would, then what's the difference? You didn't pull the trigger, after all.

The difference is your scenario has actual victims. The only victim in the OPs scenario is the boyfriend's feelings.

Adults are responsible for their feelings.

By your logic, you should be responsible for every aspect of the boyfriend's life. Is he sad because he can't get a job? Help him you immoral bastard!

You couldn't be more wrong. For one, how is the boyfriend not a victim? I see a clear victim right there, unless it was made clear that it's not a monogamous relationship beforehand - which is obviously not the case. Two, you greatly underestimate how many people this can affect. Not only would any children involved be completely fucked by this, the fact that this involves 2 co-workers can potentially affect other workers or even the company as a whole. At the very least, his job could be at stake over this.

Now I'm not much one for getting worked up over people's feelings, but this kind of crap has the potential to do some serious damage psychologically. I've seen firsthand just how much people can be impacted by this kind of thing (I've seen this happen to a married couple with kids before) and how long the scars / grudges from such a thing can last for absolutely everyone involved. Cheating on someone can be so very far from victimless, even if kids aren't involved.

I guess if I'm on the escapist, eating buttered toast has the potential to damage everyone around me psychologically. I was answering the OPs question: Am I at fault?

To which I replied: No, the woman, or the boyfriend is, but definitely not him. To try and live a life where you cant hurt anyone's feelings is just going to lead you to live a life on your own.

I can hurt someone by taking their job by being better than them.
This is what's happening in the OPs scenario.

As I said, I'm not much one for worrying about people's feelings at all. Worrying about whether your upsetting anyone is insane and impractical, I agree. However, this kind of thing is an exception as it easily has the potential to completely destroy somebody. When what your doing can genuinely wreck the lives of multiple people, throwing it all to the wind for some short-term pleasure is sociopathic at best. There is a line here, and this type of thing crosses it.

As for the job thing, there is a difference between a job and a relationship. Jobs are always competitive and it's understood that the best survive in the job market. People understand that from the get-go. Relationships, on the other hand, stop being a competition once the relationship has formed unless one of the parties is the clingy, jealous type (which never goes well if that's the case). Part of building a lasting, healthy relationship is understanding that it's no longer a competition and trusting eachother not to go fucking other people unless it's established beforehand that it's okay. That's kind of thing doesn't happens with the job market. Relationships also require opening up and making yourself vulnerable psychologically in order for it to work. Both sides need to know eachother in and out very personally, whereas in a business it's best to keep everything impersonal and strictly business. No personal attachments, and be ready for things to change at any given moment - that's how the job market works. If one treats relationships the same way, one will quickly find themselves in the "forever alone" crowd.

To OP: You were wrong. Very wrong. You know it. As many others have said, be prepared when shit hits the fan (it will) and rethink whether this whole thing worth it. You've set yourself up for potentially losing your job and getting a solid beating or even killed. Is a piece of ass really worth it?

 

[Iron Criterion]

So, I'm currently seeing this girl quite often. Friends with benefits thing. Its amazing, dont get me wrong. The only problem though is that she has a boyfriend. To make it better, we are all coworkers. Luckily he doesnt know, but has suspicion. I know she is in the wrong for doing it, but whats bugging me is " how wrong am I in comparison"? At the moment all I can think of is I, m not the one cheating, she is, hes a real d-bag to her anyway, and me always coming to that conclusion is whats bothering me. Whos more wrong?

What you need to do is frame someone other poor schmuck, all the while pretending to support your squeeze's boyfriend.

CAPTCHA: "oh, you".

Indeed Solve Media. Indeed.

 

[Legion]

She may be more to blame, but if you knowingly help someone cheat, you're still a jerk. There just isn't any justifying knowingly sleeping with someone else's partner behind their back.

This.

If you were not aware that she had a boyfriend then fine, but you know she has a partner, and you are doing it anyway. You are trying to justify it by saying that he is not a nice person but that is irrelevant. If he is so bad she could always leave him and sleep with you. The fact that she is with him should mean that you should treat her as out of bounds.

You aren't, so yes, you are at fault.

Ask yourself this: How much would you hate it if someone did to you what you're doing to her boyfriend? That's how much of a jerk you're being.

It's amazing that some people cannot seem to grasp this one. I sincerely doubt the people saying he isn't wrong would feel the same if he was screwing their girlfriend.

 

[F'Angus]

Speak with the girl, call it off dude. The other guy may be a dbag...but you're the one she's cheating with.

 

[Yopaz]

As others have basically said, the best thing to do is to think about it from his perspective. Whether or not you think what you're doing is morally wrong, you'll still be a badguy in his eyes, so the repercussions from him finding out could be very serious.

Have you spoken to the girl about it?

Yes, and she said she isnt going to be with him for long. She hates how he treats her, but is afraid to say anything.

So she's afraid of him... then is it really a good idea to be dishonest and give him a reason to be pissed at her?

OT: Knowingly helping a girl cheat is morally wrong from most point of views. He's a real douche? Well two wrongs don't make a right. Be the better person and be honest enough to break it off with him rather than be a douche to him "because he deserves it".

 

[Abomination]

Not at all, you are under no obligation to either party.

If she is willing to cheat on him with you what are the chances she would cheat on him with another individual?

If you were the male's friend then you aren't any more - that is the only potential issue I can foresee.

 

[Mister K]

If you've known that they are a pair prior to beginning of your activities, then your actions are pretty bad.
But any way, I (inexpirienced in love) think that you should not tell the boyfriend about it, but you also should stop seeing each other.
That is just my opinion.

 

[Hazy]

All is fair in love and war...


...but you're likely to get hit if you go banging another dude's girl.

Relationship guru, awaaaay!

 

[hooblabla6262]

Yes, you are at fault. You both knowingly did something that would emotionally hurt another human being for self gain.
What's worse is you could have avoided the whole situation by simply having her break up with her boyfriend beforehand. Or by having sex with someone else.

But what's even worse than that is you trying to justify your actions by calling him a douche-bag, or by assigning her more blame. If you're going to be part of a cheaters triangle, have the balls to admit that you are an asshole. Don't argue it, don't try to underplay it. Be true to yourself, bud.

 

[Ursus Buckler]

If you've felt the need to ask, you probably already know the answer. Granted in the same situation I doubt that I'd act different, but put yourself in D-Bag's shoes. Time is not on your side. If I were you I'd insist on this girl dumping her boyfriend if you're going to continue to see each other before things escalate, but then again, if she's been willing to cheat with D-Bag, what's to stop her doing the same to you?

 

[Legion]

The only issue of morality is if the woman in this little triangle has led her boyfriend to believe that they are an exclusive couple.

This is true, if the girls boyfriend is not under the impression that it's exclusive, then you are right, there is no moral quandary at all.

That said, if that were the case then the OP would have no reason to ask if he is at fault, because surely he'd know that he is not having sex with somebody in an exclusive relationship. I can't imagine it'd be the case and the girl never told him about it.

So I took it as a given that the person he is seeing was in an exclusive relationship.

 

[Vegosiux]

I'm skeptical. But in any case, it doesn't matter if he knows she's in an exclusive relationship or not. She is the one responsible for her relationship. She makes the decisions of who she sleeps with.

It's not usually that clear-cut, though. Questions of "morality" aside, I simply can't see myself encouraging or supporting behavior that's going to lead to a shitstorm for everyone involved down the line. There's more than just the responsibility of that one relationship in play here, that's not the only thing at stake. Moral or immoral, that's irrelevant, expecting a love triangle to go on indefinitely without consequence to oneself is simply stupid...especially when it's further complicated by stuff like working with people that are involved with it.

It's that "Do what you wan't, but don't come crying..." sentiment for me, I suppose.

 

[Subscriptism]

If he's a douchebag then don't sweat it. If he was either neutral or a nice guy then you'd be a dick for doing it.

 

[game-lover]

Well, ive come to the conclusion that I am just as much, only cuz now it looks like im hooking up with another coworker. And dont worry, shes single. Appearenty everyone here does. But now i wont let it bother me. More snu snu I guess

Wait. Are you saying you've stopped screwing the cheating girlfriend coworker and instead are going to start screwing the single one? Because you know being involved with the slut was a terrible decision? Or are you saying that you know you're particularly wrong because you're now beginning to screw both girls at the same time? And funnily enough, go behind cheating girlfriend's back?

Just want some clarification.

 

[MeChaNiZ3D]

To make it better, we are all coworkers.

uhh... How does that make it better? Like, at all? I hope that's sarcasm.

Not to answer for him or anything, but...clearly sarcasm. Even over the internet, it's really blatant.

OT: It's your fault as well for being compliant and also for deceiving your other coworker. You are being disingenuous. But as to whom the larger share of blame can be attributed, I'd say it is the one who suggested it. If I were you I'd either make sure the other guy condones it or stop. Not to mention he's a coworker, that could get...unfortunate.