Am I justified in being angry about this?

[Auron225]

You don't want to know what your punishment will be

That right there - that's what sticks out to me like a sore thumb. I'd have asked what was he planning to do that he thought he could get away with? Shut down whatever ridiculous idea he has that he is in a position to punish you. Unless his answer is "I won't let you use my computer anymore" (cus he actually does have the right to do that) then what the heck can he do?

 

[Paradoxrifts]

At a guess I would say that the stepfather hasn't actually been her stepfather up until very recently. So in his defense there is only so much 'warmness' that a guy in that situation can offer a young daughter-in-law before it strays dangerously close to creepy uncle territory.

I think it would be becoming of her to be the bigger person in this confrontation, and let it go. And that is concern is not entirely unwarranted because she is studying to eventually join the ranks of the legal industry, which means any stupid internet shit that occurs now could possibly come back to haunt her in the future. If something or someone on the internet takes an interest in her (and a pretty face can be enough), she doesn't really even have to do anything wrong for trouble to come calling.

 

[thiosk]

snip

Yes, and that single flare up at your age would have me set to be out of that house forever. I expected some bullshit that most people post.
He's quite clearly a nincompoop. Glad your mother has someone to take care of her (it sucks aging alone), but my only advice is to leave. You are outside the child rearing phase and he should be made aware of that.

I would have said said something that would have escalated the confrontation.

There's a big difference between 18 and 22. If you are so unmanageable, he should have kicked you out 4 years ago.

 

[Trivea]

I'm seeing a lot of "well it's his computer so he's justified in saying what he did", which... is incorrect, honestly. Yes, if it's his computer then he can tell people what they can and cannot do. But considering the fact that you didn't have the webcam on and he got angry at you anyway, it's ridiculous that he would say something like that.

Yes, you are justified in being angry about it, but I doubt being angry will do any good, honestly. Of course, that's not saying you shouldn't be angry. My grandfather was the exact same way. He needed something to be angry about, and if he couldn't find something, he'd make something up and get mad about that.

 

[krazykidd]

Although i have a feeling you are afraid of him , in which case if he so much as touches a hair on you head , i would call the authorities.

If you are an adult, act like an adult .

That's not exactly the adult thing to do. It sounds like you are telling him to try and get a rise out of the stepfather, then when he gets mad and acts on it, he should call the police. If two people, especially adults, can't settle their differences reasonably then they should know not to talk to each other. And if it comes to blows, hit harder and more accurately than the other guy. Just my two cents.

It sounds that way , if you didn't read the whole post.

Also OP is a girl .

And he threatened her.

 

[wulf3n]

What I'd do [read: not necessarily the correct thing to do] is anytime a situation like this arose is "remind" him how well his parenting style worked on his own kids, and then tell him to fuck off.

 

[C14N]

I wouldn't get angry about it myself. It's clear that he has no idea what he's talking about and his reaction is based purely on some kind of misplaced notion of the internet in his head. I'd have to imagine that he's only acting this way because he thinks he's keeping you safe in some way (although maybe he's just trying to assert some kind of authority, hard to tell since we only have your own short description to go on).

Also, if you're absolutely forbidden from having your face on the internet, why did you get away with a webcam in the first place?

 

[Therumancer]

Ok Escapists of the world, am I being petty about this?

As a bit of background, my step father and I do not get along. At all. He is just a generally unkind man toward me and I typically try to keep my distance, as does he. It is well established that he and my mother have drastically different experiences in child raising. He has two children who are high-school dropouts, one of whom just had a baby with a teenage ex girlfriend. My step-father does not have a high view of teenagers and the choices they make, which makes sense given his experiences.

So today I'm at his and my mother's home to use their laundry room. I was also watching an Extra Life stream for my favorite Lets Player, who had a facecam on. As I walk away from the computer to get a drink, my stepfather walks by and looks at the screen. He then turns to me and says "what are you doing?" I told him I was watching a videogame commentator. He then asks if the LPer could see his viewers through their webcams too. I said no, the facecam is just for us to see him. He then physically blocked me from the computer and told me "Good. I would have had a serious problem otherwise. You don't want to know what your punishment will be if I find out you're letting guys on the internet see your face. You will not turn on our webcam for any reason" and walks away.

I admit, this comment and the authoritative tone it was spoken in really pissed me off.

Like I said, I understand that he has had issues with teens making stupid decisions, but that's not me. I'm 22. I'm a straight A student and am graduating college this year. I am a pre-law student and am preparing to study abroad in Japan before I go to law school. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and have more faults than not, but I like to believe that I have a good head on my shoulders. My mother has also always made it clear to my stepfather that she trusts my judgment and wants me to make my own decisions.

So this reaction to me possibly talking to a man on the internet pisses me off. The facecam could be of a friend or a classmate for all my stepfather knows. And even if it's not, I am a grown woman and I have the sense of judgment to be able to make reasonably good decisions. To speak to me like a child and threaten to punish me without any clue of what is going on doesn't seem reasonable to me.

Am I justified in being angry about this? Or am I taking things too personally?

Your taking it too personally. You are in his house, and using his computer as I understand things from this description. Paranoia over Webcams is a big deal nowadays, as they are easily exploited. What's more you don't know what he does with his Webcam and he might not want to risk someone seeing you from his home or whatever. Truthfully I can't guess at his reasons, since if he was that concerned I'd imagine he wouldn't have one.

Just avoid the guy, and do whatever you want on your own computer, unless he comes into your place and tells you what to do the same way, it's no big thing. Honestly he's pretty nice letting you use his system given the strained relationship you describe.

 

[prpshrt]

Seems like he was looking for an excuse to berate you. I am by no means self-sufficient (although I hope to be soon seeing that I'm in my senior year of college) but, it seems like you are. I'd tell the step-parent to go fuck him/herself but that's just me. But yea, it's better to shut up and grit your teeth till you can leave so you can avoid any BS ._.

 

[chocolate pickles]

Your right: You are a fully grown adult, and therefore, YOU are the one who should be making decisions on what affects YOU, and he has no right to tell you that you cant make those decisions. Therefore, yes, you do have the right to be pissed off.

Obviously, i have never met the man, so i cant say for sure, but it sounds like he is just trying to control you.

 

[Ragsnstitches]

If his children turned out as pathetic (harsh, I'm a drop out too) as you say I'm going to say his parenting qualities are suspect. Regardless he really doesn't have any authority over you.

That said, acting defiantly can paint you as an angsty teen. You want him to back off out of respect, not embolden him with evidence that he should act dominantly. Which is what this sounds like... someone who pressures for dominance without thinking of his actual area of influence. It's kind of pathetic in a sense.

Unless you can confidently stand up to him and put him in his place without throwing a fit or making demands, then your best bet is to talk to your mom and ask her how you should handle it. Don't ask her to handle it, but ask her in a way that shows you just want to resolve this without conflict.

If you exhaust all reasonable discourse, then you can start throwing your weight. Unfortunately that's liable to create a hold host of issues in that family dynamic.

Captcha: respect me

Ha, too right captcha, too right.

 

[Alarien]

So many apparently entitled, self-centered readers on this thread that they never stopped to re-read the initial post and ask a few questions:

1) Where does the OP live? (Sounds like not in that house. Dorm, maybe?)
2) Whose computer was it? (Sounds like a "Family" computer, which means NOT the property, in any way, of the OP, unless she paid for it)
3) How much does she rely on the family? (Money, food, college/boarding expenses, etc?) What could this person possibly hold over her as "punishment" since she's far too old for any sort of physical punishment (by about 17 years or so)

Basically, the guy is rude. He also has a right to be rude, as it is apparently his property. Too many people take a completely cavalier approach to home/family security these days. Fools put stickers on their cars announcing their children's sport, school, and name, and, by inference, their relative age and the location they live (most people with sticker'd up SUV's can't park in their own garage, if they have one). Couple this with webcams, webchats, Facebook, Instagram, etc, and a dumb parent with online foolhardy children can have any random stranger (like the ones who drive "Free Candy" vans with the windows blacked out) know everything about who and what are in your home.

No one on this thread knows enough to answer the OP's question of whether she has a right to be angry. She hasn't given us anything but her story. It certainly sounds like she's mostly on the right track, but it also sounds like she's still heavily reliant on her mother's household.

The stepfather may have acted like an asshole, but that doesn't mean that he didn't have the right (his property) to do so and that he wasn't right to do so. I am almost as far as you can get from digitally/electronically illiterate, and if I found my daughter speaking to people regularly via webcam, and I wasn't 100% sure who those people were (i.e. I had met them personally), then I would bring down the hammer on that immediately and with enough force to make sure it didn't happen again.

 

[Imperioratorex Caprae]

while he might be a douche about how he interacts with you, his computer his house his rules. You got no dog in the fight, sorry bud.

 

[Insideout Ink Demon]

I wonder, how does he plan to punish a 22 year old?

 

[Blood Brain Barrier]

Wow. I don't even...
Homelessness isn't a problem because you can just get benefits and buy burgers... Okay I'm glad we've solved the homelessness crisis.

In the UK you have to wait 2 weeks before receiving benefits, even then you're probably not going to get what you need to live properly and you certainly won't be given housing straight away.

Many countries don't even have it as good as this, benefits aren't always an option.

But no, I'm glad Australia has solved its problems with burgers but in the real world it doesn't work like that.

Next time you see a homeless person panhandling with a sign saying they're cold and hungry, tell then they're full of shit cos they can just go buy burgers with their benefit money.

I'm not talking about the UK. I was talking about my own circumstances and what I would do. And living in the "real world", I can tell you I would have been homeless and in poverty had I not got benefit money so yes, it does work like that. It's actually quite easy to do, and you don't have to wait 2 weeks as you can get a upfront payments, and I would say the same thing to anyone I see panhandling without hesitation. I don't know if you know what you're talking about but if UK is still stuck in its 80s Thatcherite policies to social services (which is hard to believe) then that's a shame, but it doesn't apply to what I was saying in the context I was saying it.

If I had said "all homeless people around the world aren't in a bad way and it's unreservedly and unconditionally better than living with a shithead stepfather", then that would have been a different matter.

 

[Lyri]

The reason I hesitate to discuss it with my mother is that this is not the first time I've had issues with him trying to assert authority over me in this manner. The first few times I did discuss it with her because I think she has a right to know what goes on in her house between her husband and her daughter, at least to an extent. But that always seems to bring up conflict between the two of them, and they end up arguing over child raising and the differences between his children and myself. She tries to stay neutral, but she has her own views on how children and adults should be treated and is an extremely vocal woman, so she does feel the need to get involved. But I don't want their relationship to be stressful just because my relationship with my stepfather is stressful. They're happy together.

That's really why I'm here, I think. I want to share my views with someone and try to get outside opinions because I know that I am clearly biased. But I don't want to discuss it with my mother if it is going to hurt their relationship, even temporarily.

I've been where you are, being the child in that situation sucks but the problem is never. never you.
You should talk to them about it, him having a problem with you is one thing entirely but they should be together on how and why you are to be disciplined if at all, it kind of says to me that they're not together on the stance if your mother is staying neutral.
If there is going to be hurt between the two, your problem isn't the cause of it but the elephant in the room.

My situation boiled over because communication was at a low, I'll never know what he wanted from me as he is now deceased but it culminated in him trying to kill me and me leaving my home, my mothers side and pretty much never seeing her again for years.

 

[nomzy]

I personally would've just laughed in his face and sarcastically said "YEAH OH-KAY BUDDY".
[sub]im such a smug arrogant ****[/sub]

Anyway, you have every right to be mad. You are an adult and he's not even your parent, even if he were he has no authority over what you choose to do with your life, I mean you don't even live there by the sounds of it.