Amazing/Awesome/Funny Stories from the Tabletop.

[Lil_Rimmy]

Hello, after reading some old D&D threads and spending ages looking through character sheets/DM notes/my folders upon folders of notes and not playing D&D for a while, I am feeling like I need some new stories to keep me content lest I feed on the blood of virgin goats.

By that I mean, does anyone have any funny stories or tales from the tabletop? D&D, Pathfinder, Dark Heresy, My-Own-Personal-Version-Of-Warhammer-40k-D&D, it can be anything!

Personally, I will recount some stories from the game I play, called Warhammer 40k D&D. Why? Because the 40k universe is amazing and I wanted to play D&D. So I kinda wrote up a rules book. And more. And more and more and more. So anyway, I gathered up my friends, and we set off in the magical world of 40k.

Just to put in the setup for the following stories, here are our characters (Sometimes some people were missing):

Myself, the DM/GM and also:
Tom the Human Techpriest. I had a habit of turning everything I could into my doom fortress/ship. And also turning on my friends when I wanted to test out my new turret. In my inventory I have a Rug... I don't know how I got that...

Braden the Ork Tank, he always picked out an enemy and declared his as his arch nemesis. He would always curse them out in funny ways. And would also always end up tying them up and dragging them with him... to our base. He has a pillow in his inventory...

Lachlan the Eldar Assasin, who really could not take a hint. He also likes stealing soldiers rations... weird Eldar xeno...

LaserJohn (A great internet friend) the Human Tank, who's alignment I changed to Douchebag-Chaotic after he killed an elderly beggar and stole his clothing. (Cookies for refernce) Now I look at it... he also has Blood Stained Police Clothing and Young Boy's Clothing in his inventory... how the hell did he get that?!

Marcus the utterly insane Human Pysker, I swear to god this guy never did anything expect lightning bolt and lightning bolt metal things so he could lightning bolt multiple things without multiple lightning bolts. He also has Poor Defenceless Beggar Clothing on him...

And finally Scott the Stubb (Dwarf) Mechanic, he had a VERY weird tale about how he fixed Lachlans horse once... it was.. odd... He also has a rug, where the hell do we get this stuff!?!

---------------------------

Now, the stories:

The first time was when the group was searching through a military base, Lachlan was going "What's in the next hammer? MISSILES?!? IS IT MISSILES?! NUKES?!"
I was a bit annoyed, so I said:
"No, it's filled with muffins."

From then on Laser Guided Missiles were known as Muffins, Nukes were known as Cupcakes and Explosive Acid was known as Milk.

The second I can remember is how on a campaign to kill a rebellion leader, we met a gang in the streets. We earned the "respect" of the gang, through a crazy guard house murder... Anyway, in the same Military base as the story above, the team has to escape and bring some stuff back to the gang, so we all grab vehicles. Lachlan is left to decide between a horse or a motorcycle... Yeah, take a quick guess at what happened.

Anyway, after some escaping, his horse is almost dead, and we have no one who can heal it. So he ask the mechanic, Scott, to try to fix it. Whilst I am facepalming, I just say roll. He rolls a double 6...

I then ask him to describe how he fixed a horse by smacking it with a wrench.

A third one is when after describing and describing a convoy, trying to stress the point that the front transport was loaded with explosive shit, I flipped it and just plain out told them, hey, I was getting reeeeally tired, there was no way to continue without it because frankly they were shit XD. Anyway, as soon as combat is joined, the crazy Pysker immeditaly shouts:
"I LIGHTNING THE FIRST TRANSPORT!"

So, any stories?

 

[Lil_Rimmy]

No one has any funny stories? I am sad... the old D&D threads made me laugh my ass off.

 

[RaikuFA]

This one time, when I played the DM kept killing me just cause he didn't want me there cause I was new.

 

[Lil_Rimmy]

This one time, when I played the DM kept killing me just cause he didn't want me there cause I was new.

Sounds like an asshole of a DM... I heard of a few bad DMs like that...

 

[Darth Rahu]

There was a bizarre time while playing D&D where the party overcomplicated the precise ingredients needed for a summoning ritual. Somehow, we thought we actually needed a genuine peach as opposed to the bottle of peach schnapps we had. So our wizard/cleric thought it would be a good idea to use a summoning circle, which we found out too little too late was used for monster summoning only, to summon a peach to a subterranean castle. We wound up summoning a Mooncalf for literally no good reason. The image in my head of our party staring down a shoggoth with the dwarf fighter screaming, "that is the ugliest peach I have ever seen!!" sticks in my head to this day.

 

[saintdane05]

Okay, so we have to kill this one official dude as he's walking down the street, run out of town, get payed, right?

We have our mage in an alley, rouge in a trashcan, an assassin in a high up window, and a fighter at the end of the street.

I don't remember exactly what happened, but it ended with the wizard dead, the assassin missing his hands, the rouge having a bolt stuck in his eye, and the fighter under the control of a demonic creature from the Nine Hells.


Yeah.

THe other story. Surrounded by goblins, with repeating crossbows. About twenty of them. Only a mage and a ranger.

No goblins survived

 

[Azahul]

So RPGs? Shame, I have some funny Warmachine stories, like Lord Carver (Bringer of Most Massive Destruction, Esquire the Third) making nine tough rolls in a row while surrounded by most of a Khador army. Didn't end well for poor ol' Carver, when you get down to making tough rolls you've done something wrong.

For RPGs, my group plays Unhallowed Metropolis somewhat infrequently, a game set in Neo-Victorian London in the year 2105, 200 years after a zombie apocalypse. My players were trying to get in good with a criminal group in their part of the slums, and were told to bring proof that they'd killed a police officer for their initiation. For some reason, I forget why, they already had a police badge, but they thought they needed something more so they decided to find and kill someone who wouldn't be noticed. All the hobos in the area had been holed up in the local train station and the players couldn't get to them, so they decided to try and find some male prostitutes. One member of the group, a Deathwatch soldier afflicted with syphilis, rolled a critical success (on 2d10, so a 1 in a 100 chance) in trying to figure out where the male prostitutes hung out. There was a long pause, and then my brother, in tones of dawning realisation, went, "Oh. Well, that explains a few things."

 

[emeraldrafael]

Its not necessarily funny but I havea friend who lost his legs and anyitme someone besides him is DM we always find a reason for his character to lose his legs. and since he usually plays a theif type class and has high priorities on stealth and being light we alawys have our tank type guy have to carry for him to move. so he takes a -19 on pretty much any roll that involves his desired attributes.

 

[Blackdoom]

Decided to make a racist alzheimic wizard named Julio Riccardo Estevez who had a love for fire and ice cream and instead of growing stronger when he leveled regained parts of his mind.
On the first night of our journey the party decided to stop at an inn where they spent the night since nobody made sure to keep an eye on him and made sure he made it to bed he ended up slaughtering everyone in the inn and burning it down.
On the second night they learnt from their mistake and had him up before going to sleep during that night he ended up saving the party using his mind from a group of enemies.

Eventually we made it to the dungeon and my friend being a dick of a DM had set the creature at the end to be ridiculously difficult to defeat with the rest of the party knocked out Julio went up to the beast and asked him if he liked Ice Cream. The beast like all creatures indeed liked Ice Cream and Julio used his magic to turn a couple of goblins into ice cream which he and the beast shared before leaving the dungeon to return to the king victorious and with new found necro-icecream powers.

 

[ohnoitsabear]

The one time I played DnD, two of my party members (I refused to get involved) were nearly killed by a goat that they were trying to kill for its intestines that one of the guys could take to a condomsmith. It was a strange night.

 

[Gethsemani_v1legacy]

This was back in 2004, just when NWoD had been released, I was running a campaign with basic human characters to make everyone acquainted with the system. All of the characters were "average joes"; a high school teacher, a private eye, a retired cop, an "occultist" bookstore owner and a medical intern. After a strange case of bodies vanishing in the morgue, they get an anonymous tip that a vampire lives in a certain apartment downtown and they go there to investigate. They knock on the door but get no answer. After some discussion they decide it is for the best to force the door and get inside the apartment anyway, so the private eye starts picking the lock... When the medical intern walks up, puts his full force behind a kick and kicks the door open (through some lucky die rolls), then rushes in with a first aid kit in hand shouting "I am a doctor!"

Everyone else falls silent and then we all burst into laughter. "I am a doctor!" has since become an informal battlecry when you are about to do something stupid.

 

[Denamic]

I DMed once.
I accidentally killed everyone within half an hour.
I never got to DM again.

 

[Hemlet]

These are some stories I have from D&D that I posted in another thread, focused on "That Guy" in the group.

I have 2 moments like that:

Spoiler: Roleplaying Shenanigans

I've been that guy before. I don't even mean to, it just kinda happens sometimes. There was one game where I was playing the rogue (as usual) and was being introduced to the party. The group barbarian was currently in a fistfight with a caravan guard to negotiate a free ride (not sure how that came about) and as part of the rules of the fistfight, the barbarian had to take off all his magic gear. Me, playing the rogue who was not QUITE yet affiliated with the party, decided that I was going to steal the barbarian's magic axe.

You see, the PLAN was that the barb wasn't going to leave town without his best weapon in tow, and as a result the party would eventually hunt me down (it was a small town, it wouldn't have taken long even with a lot of successful hide checks on my part), give me a slap on the wrist, and I'd offer my services as a sneaky bastard in return for not getting my face cleaved in by an angry barbarian.

What HAPPENED was I figured I'd need a proper distraction to ensure the actual guards wouldn't be paying attention to me, and so used my flint and steel to discreetly light a small fire beside a house. The DM made a few rolls, and then the house caught fire. Then another one. And another. Soon about a fourth of the town is in flames, the barbarian has landed a crit while his opponent was distracted by shouts of "fire! Fire!" and accidentally caved his skull in, and the guards have caught me red handed when I made my move for the axe and I'm currently running like hell in the exact opposite direction the DM intended for us to go. The group hears about me from the guard's shouting, and splits up to help catch my dumb ass.

5 minutes into the game, and I completely derailed the campaign. All because I wanted to roleplay my class.

Spoiler: The Tale of Bittles The Gnome

Another "That Guy" moment comes from a friend of mine. Granted, this particular moment was awesome as all hell in the end and created a true hero of legend in the mythos of our D&D campaign. You see, our friend wanted to be a particularly special character, and with the DM's consent and help created a Gnome. To be more specific, a Gnome who had been permanently shrunk to about 5 inches in height thanks to wayward spells. This Gnome's name was Bittles. Bittles was too small and weak to wield anything more threatening than a toothpick, and so opted to be a skill-roll based character instead.

To survive in the campaign, our action figure sized gnome took up permanent residence in our barbarians backpack. For fights, he would contribute by rummaging around the barbarians backpack, rigging up some harebrained fire-and-forget weapon, and popping up and throwing/firing/launching said weapon over the barbarians shoulder. Bittles was not expected to live much longer than the second or third session.

He survived the entire campaign.

At first he was like a novelty, but as he gained experience and levels by virtue of being with the group, his skill roll modifiers started to outpace the penalties associated with trying to build improvised weapons mid-combat. The barbarian had the foresight to realize that she basically had an autoturret living in her backpack at this point, and would spend her excess gold on building materials for Bittles. All while traveling, Bittles would be either be putting the arrogant wizard in his place with a verbal beatdown or whipping up some throwing weapons/improvised weapons in advance. Thanks to his size plus being wholly concealed most of the time, Bittles was also incredibly difficult for enemies to actually hit. The DM would have our foes realize that a barbarian that would be brutalizing whatever was close to her while a tiny gnome popped out of her bag and blew whatever was behind her or even far away from her to smithereens with some terrifying contraption that launched homemade alchemists fire or flaming bolas or nets was kind of a big goddamn threat. Thus, enemies would frequently charge the barbarian in the hopes of taking her down and eliminating the surprisingly effective team the two made.

However, our group had actually grown quite fond of Bittles and his ability to provide minor artillery for the group if the wizard or druid happened to be low on spells or otherwise out of commision, and so we would go out of our way to specifically ensure that the barbarian, and thus Bittles, would make it through fights relatively healthy. Thus, Bittles eventually went on to be the group scientist, eventually outfitting everyone with some kind of James Bond style gadget and outfitting his barbarian "mount" with a shoulder-mounted repeating crossbow that he aimed through a periscope, fired from inside the barbarians backpack, and reloaded with a separate mechanism.

Ooh ooh! I just remembered another one!

Spoiler: The One Time I Made Everyone In The Group A Terrible Person By Association

We were playing a D20 Modern campaign featuring rifts into a dimension consisting of vanilla D&D stuff, with monsters popping in and learning about D20 Modern tech and such. I want to say that the setting was post-apocalyptic, but that's not entirely accurate since the apocalypse wasn't quite finished yet during the course of the campaign. In short, shit was hitting the fan in some way or another no matter which settlement or base we found ourselves in.

The party consisted of a Russian Bare-knuckle Boxer with a sawed-off shotgun for those "just in case" moments, an ex-military Australian Sharpshooter, a Canadian Techie with a real proficiency in making little RC death machines, a Scottish Demolitions Expert, and myself: a blonde haired, blue eyed, 6'2" German ex-doctor going by the name of Herr Kreuger. And yes, we all spoke with entirely insensitive and exaggerated accents the entire time.

So, rolling along with our Not-Quite-But-Almost-TF2 team, our DM pointed out that doctors, being Will-based characters, had to have a very strong belief in something. With that knowledge in mind, I looked down at my character sheet. Then back at the DM. Then back down at my character sheet. Then at the DM again. He took a look at my character, turned it over once or twice and said "Dude, you're like nine-tenths of the way there, you may as fucking well."

And so Herr Kreuger became, at least from a physical standpoint, a stereotypical Nazi.

Now, I never really intended for things to get into "really offensive" territory when I rolled up the character, and thankfully the 18 WIS Herr Kreuger possessed let me roleplay him without shouting terrible things in broken German every five feet, because the character himself was wise enough to realize that loudly proclaiming his beliefs would only lead to an early grave. However, the party did eventually figure out Kreuger's dirty little secret after a raid+loot of a bombed out mall went south. However, being the only one in the party with any kind of medical ability meant that, as much as the characters hated Kreuger, they did kind of need him alive. Since Kreuger himself really had nothing in the way of defending himself other than a Glock and a bunch of syringes (some empty, some filled with morphine), he didn't really have a choice except to stay with a group that would probably kill him as soon as they found someone else.

That all changed when it came time to clear out a hospital that was lousy with shotgun and rifle toting Gnolls. We were given a job by a paramilitary organization trying to contain the effects of the dimensional rifts to clear out a hospital so that they could turn it into a safe haven/base. Our reward was anything and everything we could carry out of the building ourselves. Naturally, the group was sitting in the "war-room", which was really a partially collapsed bar in a hotel, around a walkie-talkie and a hand drawn map of the area. The Sniper was sent to scout ahead and try to look for weak-points in the hospital, and eventually he spotted an opening near the roof that we could use if we went through a few adjacent buildings first. It was then that I had a little bit of a brain storm and started off what our DM called "one of the best moments of team work he had ever seen, even if it did completely trivialize the rather impressive shoot-out he had planned."

The Techie made skill rolls to make up some gas bombs while Kreuger made skill rolls to mix up some mustard gas (he was an ex-doctor for a reason; hospitals don't like it when their surgeons are running a little chemistry based side-business). After those rolls succeeded, we both had to roll successfully again to "inject" the gas into the bombs, which worked like a charm with us helping each other. With that bit of preparation done, the group made its way to the Hospital. We passed the gas bombs off to our Demolitions Expert, who made several successful attack rolls to throw the bombs into the windows of the Hospital. The Gnolls that ran out the bottom floor came face to face with our Bare-knuckle Boxer, his shotgun, and the rest of us on the ground. The Gnolls that ran out to the roof got picked off by our Sniper from a building across the street. The rest of the Gnolls never made it out of the Hospital.

The group waited two days for the gas to fully dissipate before raiding the Hospital for all it was worth, leaving with at least two duffel bags worth of medical supplies each. Kreuger's plan went so well that, despite still disliking him, the party kind of admired his capacity for ruthless tactics and decided to keep him around.

 

[Odinsson]

Arright, I've got a bunch of these, but I'll stick with the one I remember best.

I was playing the Dresden Files RPG as Thomas Carter, a British hitman in Hong Kong. My mission was to retrieve an ancient Chinese artifact from a Yakuza auction on a cruise liner. Getting onto the ship proved easy enough, with some judiciously applied chokeholds.

On the ship, all hell broke loose as the auction was attacked by unknown assailants. While my partymates were caught in the fight, I snatched the fan I had been sent to retrieve and jumped ship with a fellow thief.

As a matter of curiosity, I decided to see what exactly my employers had wanted with this innocuous looking fan. So I opened it.

Turns out, this thing belonged to a Chinese wind god. Its power charged the longer it had been shut. The last time it was opened was 3000 years ago.

Suffice to say, the Yakuza are now the proud owners of Hong Kong harbor's first shipwreck in a long time.

Also, a different character, this one an Alasko-Russian werepolarbear, beat up hobos to steal their crucifixes. (It was a religious neighborhood.)

 

[vkola]

Here is one from one of our Mutant (an old swedish post- nuclear holocaust RPG setting) adventures.

Tech level in the society is not that great, the "old" language is lost, so any relics we can find is from present day age..

Anyways, our group found a old bunker building, going thru rad-zones and evading Killbots. The group does not know alot about the old age tech, so we found an old control panel, got it working. Saw a big button labled "Launch", we RP'ing like crazy stating that it must mean "Lunch", that we obvoisly are in a old food production factory. We scout the facility out some more, find a big map with coordinates. Find our hometowns coordinates, goes back to the "Lunch" console, inputs the coordinates, hit "Lunch" button and thinking: When this factory start working, they will have soo much food back at our town..

They did not... get food...

 

[Odinsson]

Other Things My Players Have Done
I?m in an RPG mood, so I?ll get this stuff down while I remember

My players have?

- Asked me the architectural design of the asylum they were trapped in

- Scaled an elevator shaft with improvised bedsheet ropes

- killed a thousand children with a single bullet

- stolen a murder victim?s van

- asked for the regional specialty in every different restaurant they go to, forcing me to look up the food of that particular region

- Stuffed their mouths with gravel to make themselves more quiet

- Been shot directly by a ballista and survived

- Possessed a hydra, then proceeded to ram it into lightning-trapped windows until it died

- Rescued a mentally challenged minotaur from a cult before selling it to a stablemaster in exchange for horses

- Cut off a halfling?s arm at the elbow for stealing their purses

- Killed a dozen frat boys and their quest hook in a gas explosion

- Seduced a camp of orcs, then knocked them out one by one

- Shot their boss in the head in an attempt to sever the tentacles holding him

- Shot a child while attempting to kill the monster attacking him

- Upon finding themselves in the brig of a ship, immediately suggest group sex as a way to pass the time

- Incinerated the villain I had been building up for 5 sessions in a single round of combat

- Jumped out of a second storey window to escape a monster, only to break both legs

- Walked into the front door of the villain?s hideout. Two were captured, while the other two (a bard and a Kobold), forced me into 6 hours (not an exaggeration) of improvisation in their attempt to free their comrades

- While being chased by a giant ape-thing through the streets of Arkham, summoned an invisible demon which destroyed their car and killed two of the players

- Killed the local mob boss, and set themselves as his replacement, only to be gunned down by their own men a few hours later

- Failed a DC5 climb check, then a DC15 Reflex save, before falling 60 feet down a mine shaft and breaking their back

- Slaughtered the team of mercenaries sent to abduct them, forcing me to use a black ops team with gas grenades. This was from a nurse, a US Customs agent, and a German psychologist named Siegfried Lloyd.

All this is from my illustrious career as an RPG DM.

Taken from my blog at themailedfist.tumblr.com

 

[Alakaizer]

This was back in 2004, just when NWoD had been released, I was running a campaign with basic human characters to make everyone acquainted with the system. All of the characters were "average joes"; a high school teacher, a private eye, a retired cop, an "occultist" bookstore owner and a medical intern. After a strange case of bodies vanishing in the morgue, they get an anonymous tip that a vampire lives in a certain apartment downtown and they go there to investigate. They knock on the door but get no answer. After some discussion they decide it is for the best to force the door and get inside the apartment anyway, so the private eye starts picking the lock... When the medical intern walks up, puts his full force behind a kick and kicks the door open (through some lucky die rolls), then rushes in with a first aid kit in hand shouting "I am a doctor!"

Everyone else falls silent and then we all burst into laughter. "I am a doctor!" has since become an informal battlecry when you are about to do something stupid.

Some of the best stories leave you with a single line that will intsantly generate laughter.

OT: In my primary D&D 3.5 campaign, our rogue managed to find a magical knife that could cut through anything and the Red Rider BB gun from A Christmas Story(we went on a Christmas adventure that didn't fully resolve until mid-January the next year). Some time later we found some kitchenware in the dungeon somewhere, we were checking to see if anything was valuable and our fighter told our rogue "You carry a BB gun and a box cutter. You can't tell me that a bread knife can't be vorpal."

During the secondary campaign, my character was killed(meanwhile saving the entire rest of the party), so I had to play as a bard being held captive in the boss chamber the next session. The chamber was fairly open, with a small pool in the middle, a walkway twenty feet above it crossing most of the chamber, and some dragon statues scattered around. The rest of the party gathered near the pool, then the boss teleported via dragon statue to the walkway above the pool so she could cause major damage next round. I then cast Grease, causing the boss to slip, fall, hit the pool for 2d6 falling damage, and be in a position to be destroyed by the rest of the group. Later on I found out that the GM altered the height down to ten feet for the next time he ran that encounter.

 

[rekabdarb]

Alright, i got a simple one from my second time ever playing.

So we're level 2, and we are going around a town thats blowing up (about to go into a dungeon) and we're fighting a bunch of wizards and demons and shit. And eventually a wizard summons an ice wall that stops us from moving. I (the warlock) had already gone so we had no fire to burn it, so our warrior says "I'm gonna push it." To which our DM replies, you need a nat 20 to do that... And he fuckin pulls out a natural 20 and kills 1 of 2 wizards left with a fucking wall of ice. The other wizard the next turn does something drastic.
And then... we meet a Dragon!!! well actually a drake. Summoned down from the other wizard we start attacking it. Like most adventurers would. But again our warrior looks at his character sheet, and says "Hey i got +5 to intimidating, i'm gonna scare the shit outta this drake"

And this was the highest level drake, and we were level 2...

Again a natural 20.

So the DM replies... ok you can tame it, OR kill it.

And then we spent LITERALLY 20 minutes rolling to get a 20 to tame it.

15 minutes (5 minutes later a 20) passed by without a 20 or a 1, until i finally get a 1 and stab the drake trying to mount it. The drake then is angry at me for the rest of the campaign, and tries to kill me multiple times... until i burn it to death because we were in an enchanted room of darkness and only flesh could be lit for more than a turn.