An outside opinion

[Metaik]

Hey, I'm looking for some insight into this scenario and just an outside opinion as to whether I am acting badly or whether it seems reasonable.

So, guess I should start at the beginning.

Upon entering university I stayed halls of residence and met with alot of people most of which I got along well with and who are good friends of mine, and in the beginning everything was all smiles and roses etc. Anyway whilst also in halls 4 of us established that we had the same course together and began going to lectures together, one of these people I didn't necessarily like but put up with anyway as everyone else seemed to be enjoying themselves and I didn't want to cause any problems for them. The end result being that the first year passed with few incidents.

Now, come second year, alot of group work was involved and it was decided that us 4 should make up our groups, and as before everything went fine for a while or so, until it got to the point where I just got fed up and made it known that I disliked one of our group mainly just due to the fact that she was very controlling. An example of which being that she limited the time that her flatmate could see her boyfriend as she felt that they (the flatmate and her) weren't spending enough time together.

As you can imagine this didn't go down to well, and at various points where we had to work together it was mentioned that I was counterproductive to the group despite the fact that I completed all the work I was expected to do and made sure that my feelings towards her didn't affect any task we were set. Still this has and still is earning me many gibes to which I let slide and continued working.

I am now in the third year of my degree and living with one of the group with whom I get on with and recently asked him whether he would mind not bringing her over to our flat as I don't like her being round here, to which his response was that he could not agree to that and promptly told the person about my query. The results of which were a few angry texts sent to me by the person along the lines of how I can't respect my flatmates friendships and should put up with the fact that she was always going to be around.

I have no problem with my flatmate being friends with her, I just hoped that where I live could be somewhere where I could relax and would not have to tolerate her. And as you can imagine by now I'm quite fed up.

Note; I really dislike rubbing people up the wrong way, and avoid it at all costs, and wouldn't knowingly do anything for my enjoyment or benefit that would annoy anybody or cause them to become frustrated/uncomfortable.

If you've taken the time to read this I'm very appreciative, as I know it isn't a short post, and would welcome any viewpoints you have on the whole mess.

 

[DEAD34345]

Uh... let me get this straight. You dislike her because you think she is controlling. You think she is controlling because she limited the time her flatmate could see her boyfriend. So now you decide to... limit the time your flatmate can see her?

Unless I'm seriously misreading this, don't you think that's an extremely hypocritical thing to do?

 

[NegaWiki]

I can't get over your use of "alot".
Ignore her, why put yourself in an uncomfortable situation?

 

[Super Six One]

What you've said seems reasonable, but if she is controlling as you say then she will most likely know use these other people in your group to her advantage. Coming from a past experience, there is a chance she will try and turn your friends against you, and you will have to stand up for yourself when she does or they will walk away.


Buuut if your near the end of your course you could just slug it out, peple will be moving on soon so you might not even have to put up with her for long.

 

[Metaik]

Unless I'm seriously misreading this, don't you think that's an extremely hypocritical thing to do?

I guess it does seem quite hypocritical but I just didn't think that someone you'd live with and consider a friend would bring this person into your house with the knowledge that it causes you a fair bit of stress. And as for the controlling part there were more instances i just though that would get the point across best.

As for the time thing, I was merely asking I didn't say 'this is the way it shall be from now on'.

 

[Rosalia Nightsong]

Honestly, you did not really do anything wrong here. Unless you were impolite toward this female you dislike, you seem to be okay.

If you are looking for a way to fix this, there is only so much I can recommend. First, there is no reason why you HAVE to associate yourself with her. Even if your friends spend time with her, you do not have to. Spend time with your friends when she is not around, and if your flatmate invites her over, just ignore her (or politely come up with a reason to be elsewhere).

I would re-evaluate your friendship with your flatmate after he pulled a stunt like that, though.

 

[Rawne1980]

Hopefully you can manage to ignore her for the remainder of your time there.

You seem a bigger person than I am in that situation, i'd have said something long before and then taken to constant piss takes whenever I saw the person I disliked .... I have zero patience for folk I can't stand.

If you can stick it out then get through your course and then put it down to experience. You never have to see the lass again once it's over.

If you still have quite some time left then i'd suggest getting to know more people and bunking up with new friends.

 

[Zen Toombs]

Hey, I'm looking for some insight into this scenario and just an outside opinion as to whether I am acting badly or whether it seems reasonable.

For your reference, we do have an advice forum. This probably should have gone there, but c'est la vie.

Now I have a few thoughts on the situation.

1) I don't know for certain as I wasn't there for your interactions, but it is entirely possible that you've been a bit more hostile towards this person than you've intended.

2) Calmly and politely tell your mates this:

I have no problem with my flatmate being friends with her, I just hoped that where I live could be somewhere where I could relax and would not have to tolerate her.

People don't have to like each others friends, and your roommate should respect your wish to not be around people you don't like at your own place. However, it goes both ways - your roommate wants to be able to hang out at his place with his friend. You two should probably compromise: your roommate doesn't frequently bring over this friend, and warns you beforehand when he has brought his friend over.

 

[guntotingtomcat]

Hey, I'm looking for some insight into this scenario and just an outside opinion as to whether I am acting badly or whether it seems reasonable.

So, guess I should start at the beginning.

Upon entering university I stayed halls of residence and met with alot of people most of which I got along well with and who are good friends of mine, and in the beginning everything was all smiles and roses etc. Anyway whilst also in halls 4 of us established that we had the same course together and began going to lectures together, one of these people I didn't necessarily like but put up with anyway as everyone else seemed to be enjoying themselves and I didn't want to cause any problems for them. The end result being that the first year passed with few incidents.

Now, come second year, alot of group work was involved and it was decided that us 4 should make up our groups, and as before everything went fine for a while or so, until it got to the point where I just got fed up and made it known that I disliked one of our group mainly just due to the fact that she was very controlling. An example of which being that she limited the time that her flatmate could see her boyfriend as she felt that they (the flatmate and her) weren't spending enough time together.

As you can imagine this didn't go down to well, and at various points where we had to work together it was mentioned that I was counterproductive to the group despite the fact that I completed all the work I was expected to do and made sure that my feelings towards her didn't affect any task we were set. Still this has and still is earning me many gibes to which I let slide and continued working.

I am now in the third year of my degree and living with one of the group with whom I get on with and recently asked him whether he would mind not bringing her over to our flat as I don't like her being round here, to which his response was that he could not agree to that and promptly told the person about my query. The results of which were a few angry texts sent to me by the person along the lines of how I can't respect my flatmates friendships and should put up with the fact that she was always going to be around.

I have no problem with my flatmate being friends with her, I just hoped that where I live could be somewhere where I could relax and would not have to tolerate her. And as you can imagine by now I'm quite fed up.

Note; I really dislike rubbing people up the wrong way, and avoid it at all costs, and wouldn't knowingly do anything for my enjoyment or benefit that would annoy anybody or cause them to become frustrated/uncomfortable.

If you've taken the time to read this I'm very appreciative, as I know it isn't a short post, and would welcome any viewpoints you have on the whole mess.

It sounds like the damage is fairly irreparable at this point. Although, you can't put a limit on your flatmate bringing friends round, as that is his space too. Just go to your own room or something, or go study in the library when you know she's coming.
Most importantly, learn to be civil around this girl, even if she can't be. Letting people know how you feel may seem like a good idea, but you can't unsay something.

 

[EeveeElectro]

Can you not live with someone else? They don't sound like very good friends, especially your house mate not just disrespecting your request but telling her that you said it. I'd try sever all ties with these people to be honest. She doesn't sound like a nice person (although I haven't met her, but from what you have said) and if they can't see what you see it's probably time to move on. it'll just stress you out having to hang around with someone you don't like all the time and I wouldn't want your other two friends to fall out with you over it.

 

[NinjaDuckie]

If one of my housemates brings back a friend who I really don't get on well with, I just retreat into my room and do one of the following: read a book, listen to unnecessarily loud music (with headphones because I'm not a total sociopath), play videogames.

Seriously, though. I'm more or less in the same situation and when [guy I don't like] is over, I more or less become entirely anti-social. Any conversation opened between us is mostly polite and brief.

 

[DarkRyter]

I advise buying some pizza and learning ninjutsu from a giant talking rat with your 3 brothers.

That's as outside an opinion I could think of.

 

[Insobriety]

Uh... let me get this straight. You dislike her because you think she is controlling. You think she is controlling because she limited the time her flatmate could see her boyfriend. So now you decide to... limit the time your flatmate can see her?

Unless I'm seriously misreading this, don't you think that's an extremely hypocritical thing to do?

MTE. I lived in a 3 bedroom apartment with 6 students at one time (2 couples, and 1 sleeping on the sofa for a year) and sometimes I didnt get on with all of them but isn't that part of normal human interaction? If you liked everybody you met I imagine your life would be incredibly boring. As for advice (and this is genuine advice) don't be sheepish with your feelings towards that person. If they do/say something that annoys you, make it known to them. Don't go behind their back and ask your friends not to bring them into your home because it is your friends home aswell, and thats a shitty thing to do.

 

[Sexual Harassment Panda]

Uh... let me get this straight. You dislike her because you think she is controlling. You think she is controlling because she limited the time her flatmate could see her boyfriend. So now you decide to... limit the time your flatmate can see her?

Unless I'm seriously misreading this, don't you think that's an extremely hypocritical thing to do?

Not what he said. It would be funnier if it was, but it wasn't.

OT: I know what it's like to have to suffer jackasses because they're friends of friends...without the added inconvenience of living with 'em. I guess you can put up with her or allow you and your friend to drift apart, with your eye on different living arrangements. Your current actions are probably making you look like the asshole in their eyes(I couldn't possibly comment on who is and who isn't an asshole with such little information) so I wouldn't be too hopeful of an ideal resolution.

You lose friends as you go...but you can make new ones too.

Good luck.

 

[Mookowicz]

Shared houses work by compromise. There are a few compromises you might agree on:
1) You have the right to offer hospitality to your friends, just as I have the right to enjoy my place of residence without being offended by them. Therefore...
2) Please don't invite her over unless I'm out;
3) If you invite her over please tell me so I can go out (unless I can't, e.g. because I'm studying -- in which case, please invite her another day).

If you can't agree on a compromise like that then someone doesn't respect someone else. In that case, I'd suggest that you don't live together.

But this is so straightforward that I'm wondering why you posted here. What's your real problem: how to get on with housemates who may have different preferences in friends, or how to justify attacking your nemesis through them?

 

[Daffy F]

Hmmm. Well you seem like a perfectly reasonable person, why not simply explain to your flatmate that you have no problem with them being friends with her, but you'd rather if you got the opportunity to not spend too much time with her outside of classes. Like, tactfully excuse yourself if she was being invited round to your house, or something of the like.

 

[KeyMaster45]

You don't have to like her and you don't have to be friends with her, but if she's your flatmate's friend and you consider your flatmate to be a friend then you need to suck it up and comprise at being civil. Afford her the same pleasantries you might give to a total stranger on the street and contain the rage she instills in you. This will have two effects. For one, you and your flatmate will continue to get along fine. Secondly, if you're civil with her and she continues to be a ***** towards you then it will make her look bad and not you.

I think my sister's boyfriend is an outright loser and wish he'd just disappear. When she brings him over, however, I keep my feelings in check and don't look to start something. She knows I don't care for him but my relationship with my sister is more important than the one with her loser boyfriend. To keep the peace I refrain from acting like a douche towards him.

Like I said, you don't have to like her, you just have to be civil with her. If she really bothers you that much then stay in your room when she drops by or step out to go elsewhere. Your flatmate is paying part of the rent I'd assume so he's got just as much right to bring friends over as you do.

 

[someonehairy-ish]

You don't sound like you're being a dick. I think asking your friend confidentially if he could just not bring her over to your flat was reasonable enough; I'm assuming that you didn't say that he couldn't see her at all.
I also think that this guy immediately telling her about it sounds pretty dickish.

You're probably in the right, but avoid confrontation too much by offering some kinda compromise. If these other people in your flat want the person you don't get on with over it might be helpful to sometimes arrange to be out of the way for a bit.

Even if that just means shutting yourself away and getting on with work, perhaps if you have access to a small office or something. Or you could go out somewhere for a bit.

 

[Esotera]

It sounds to me as if the way you've handled it is quite reasonable, just the way you've communicated it seems to have failed somehow. How did you actually state all these things to all people involved?