Another post about a girl...

[mortalsatsuma]

Alright, seeing as this got no replies in the advice forums, i'm gonna re-post it here:

Alright, I'll get straight to the point, there's a girl I like, I think she likes me but she's giving me mixed messages. I've known her for a few months now and have grown quite close to her, obviously I like her. recently she's been saying things to me like; "I feel safe around you" and been coming over my house randomly to watch a movie with me before I walk her home at about 1 AM. Anyway, she also has mentioned that she doesn't like relationships and keeps on bringing up her old boyfriends fairly often and telling me how they were arseholes. Basically, I'm just confused as to whether she likes me or not, we've been to the cinema together etc where she would lean up close to me and look at me as if she wanted me to kiss her but she's also totally ignored me at a party she invited me too, as a result I'm in two minds about how she feels about me and I don't want to just ask her out just to find out she acts like this with every guy.

Anyway, over to you, what do you guys think?

EDIT: Just thought I'd mention, even though I've known her for about 3 months now, we don't see each other often enough for her to have forced me into the "friend-zone" tbh. I maybe see her once or twice a week depending how busy I am, yet we live virtually next door to one another and whenever I do see her she always tells me how She gets excited and it makes her happy.

EDIT: Another thing I forgot to mention, she invited me back to hers last night but was very upset when I couldn't make it seeing as i was working however, she's invited me over tonight so i guess I'll be finding out tonight if she likes me or not. Just put this up as It didn't seem that "Friend-zoney" to invite me over to hers, on my own when her mum is out.

 

[])rStrangelove]

I'm not sure, but you're too late to the party. You've been on the friendship siderail for months now. Trying to get out of that status could break everything, right? Once you ask her about it there's no going back, right?

You could try to get an indication of her feelings if you try the old trick ("i think a girl in that supermarket i always go to gives me charming signals, but i'm not sure. What do you think, let me explain...") and then make something up, but its risky.

Or just describe exactly your problem as a funny story so she gets the point and has the chance to answer you in a funny way rather than directly. But if she's like "What, you're talking about us right now?" then go all for it and say "Yes of course".

Just face it if it gets hairy, no ducking back into cover, its not sexy.

 

[Lilani]

Okay, first of all, I'm afraid waiting 10 minutes does not mean your thread has "no replies" and thus is worth reposting. This isn't exactly a peak time for posts on the Escapists, and the advice forum tends to get fewer replies, anyway. Maybe after a few days or if it fell off the top page you could repost, but 10 minutes is just unnecessary.

Anyway, I feel like she does like you, given what you've said here, it just seems like she knows very little about how guys think and what works on them. She probably thinks her signals are perfectly clear, if that is the situation. You can test the waters if you like, hold hands, kiss on the cheek, etc. and see how she reacts. The only other thing I can tell you to do about it is just ask her. Take her to lunch or something and tell her how you feel, and that you feel like she feels the same way (I know, a lot of feeling there). Good luck, man.

Oh, and by the way, if it doesn't go well and she says that's not what she wanted at all, then that probably means she's a drama queen who loves attention and it's probably not healthy for you to be around her, anyway. Girls who freely give signals like that and then refuse offers never make for stable relationships or friendships.

 

[Lilani]

)rStrangelove]I'm not sure, but you're too late to the party. You've been on the friendship siderail for months now. Trying to get out of that status could break everything, right? Once you ask her about it there's no going back, right?

Baloney. If she's giving signals, she's giving signals. Friendship or no friendship. I doubt she's keeping a calendar, marking every day they are still friends, ready to decide on a marked day when their friendship has lasted too long. I started going out with my boyfriend after nearly six months of being friends. Heck, at one point when I first realized I liked him, he even said something like "I'm not sure how I can tell my parents I'll be hanging out with a girl who's a friend, but not a girlfriend." That hurt a bit. But then later, he started sending signals too, and here we are another seven months later, still doing fine.

So forget this friend zone crap. Friendships can change, you just have to be aware of the signals when it does.

 

[Jitters Caffeine]

If it's not going anywhere, move on. Easy as that. I was in the same boat with a girl I knew for a year and a half before I realized I was being used. You complain about getting ignored at a party she invited you to? Try a party she THREW for you. Or a BIRTHDAY PARTY she threw for you where she left to get drunk. It doesn't take much after that to realize it's not going to work out. Either go for broke and straight up confront her about the mixed messages or just move on.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Well I know how that story ends "but I don't want to ruin our friendship", "but you're like a brother", "but we're just friends",... I speak from way too much experience.

Anyway here is the deal, if you want a straight anwser then ask her on a date and be clear that it's a date date.
She will decide but you haveto be prepared for the consequences, 9/10 times it will go bad and be prepared for it before you stir the murky waters.

 

[HellsingerAngel]

Anyway, I feel like she does like you, given what you've said here, it just seems like she knows very little about how guys think and what works on them. She probably thinks her signals are perfectly clear, if that is the situation. You can test the waters if you like, hold hands, kiss on the cheek, etc. and see how she reacts. The only other thing I can tell you to do about it is just ask her. Take her to lunch or something and tell her how you feel, and that you feel like she feels the same way (I know, a lot of feeling there). Good luck, man.

Oh, and by the way, if it doesn't go well and she says that's not what she wanted at all, then that probably means she's a drama queen who loves attention and it's probably not healthy for you to be around her, anyway. Girls who freely give signals like that and then refuse offers never make for stable relationships or friendships.

This girl, she gets it! I was just about to say the exact same thing.

What confuses the hell out of me, and I would hope Miss. Lilani or someone else might be so kind as to clear this up for us guys, is why she was giving you the cold shoulder at the party. Now, I'm not awesome at reading signals -- I am still a man afterall -- but to me it looks like either she's ashamed of liking you/wanting another boyfriend or she was just playing hard to get since other methods weren't working. I'm just not 100% on what sort of purpose it would serve to invite someone and then just not see them for the entire night.

The only part I would disagree with on here is that even if she says no and continues to give signals, she could be a drama queen or she could just not be ready yet. She did have a bunch of asshole boyfriends, so it's understandable that that next plunge could be a bit harder to confront. Keep at it if you want it, but everything you say should imply that you're still interested, but that she told you she isn't, so you're cool with that and are looking for other girls. Just play it off like it isn't anything and that you're not 100% obsessed. If she grows disinterested, obviously she was looking for attention or is the wrong type of girl to be with. If she becomes more intrigued and those singals keep coming, well, you're just building a better report with her. My current girlfriend was like that and I continued to make it known that I wanted a relationship with her while I was out searching for someone else. It just took time for her to muster up the courgae to tell me she loved me back and I would say it's just a mix of her personality and her past relationships that stopped her from confronting the situation the first time. Two years later and even with the dreaded LDR stamped on us we're still going storng.

Good luck man! Trust me, we all need it

 

[Crazy]

Don't accept the affection, this is your warning! If you don't heed it, you'll go to a void called The Friend Zone.

Don't want to go there.

PS: The fact you're asking this means you're being pulled into the Void.

 

[Kyrinn]

"I feel safe around you"
"I don't like relationships"
"My old boyfriend..........."

Sorry to break it to you but you've been friendzoned, probably. It seems like she picked up on your feelings and is trying to tell you subtly that she likes you as a friend. Each of those quotes are straight out of the book of "Friendzoning 101".
Alternatively she might be confused about her feelings for you. Emotions can be a rollercoaster; one day you think you like someone, next day you think you'd rather stay friends.

My advice, be more direct about it. You're too far into your relationship with her to go dancing around the issue. Next time she acts like she wants you to kiss her or flirts with you say something. Like if she leans in: "What would you do if I kissed you right now?" That there is easy to pull off as simply a hypothetical or a joke if she gets mad.

 

[BOOM headshot65]

)rStrangelove]I'm not sure, but you're too late to the party. You've been on the friendship siderail for months now. Trying to get out of that status could break everything, right? Once you ask her about it there's no going back, right?

Hey, I was "just friends" for 2 years with my girlfriend. I think it is better to do that because then you get to learn more about them before you decide if you would get along better. Trust and Caring, the foundation for any longterm relationship.

OT:I think you should just ask her. You wont get anywhere if you dont take a chance, and if you really care for her, then take that chance. Tell her that you are confused about the signals she is sending you and tell her that you wont be like her bad ex's if she is scared you will be.

 

[])rStrangelove]

we've been to the cinema together etc where she would lean up close to me and look at me as if she wanted me to kiss her but she's also totally ignored me at a party she invited me too....

That was the opportune moment i guess. She wanted to see if you would be confident enough to take the opportunity and kiss her at the cinema.

That party was the party where she showed you to some of her friends and asked 'what do you think of him?'.

I bet that she has changed since that party and it kinda froze your 'eternal friendship status' in place.

 

[Carnagath]

I maybe see her once or twice a week depending how busy I am

That's more than enough. You've been friendzoned. If you don't really care what happens from that point on, then tell her how you feel, be confident about it, and don't expect it to turn out well, just do it for your own peace of mind. Either that or completely and immediately cut all contact with her. Do not stay friends with a girl that you like, that's not actually friendship, it's a miserable interaction that nothing good can come out of.

 

[Phasmal]

All the cries of `Friendzoned, bro!` are funny to me. I was friends with my boyfriend for months before we started going out.

OP: Do you never think that maybe YOU are sending mixed signals? Like being there for her but never making any sort of move? And having her lean in as if to be kissed and then you doing nothing?

Just ASK her, women are not aliens, and we can speak. If you dont ask you wont know.

 

[michael87cn]

Tell her how you feel about her and then ask if she feels the same. If she doesn't, at least you know now and don't have to have your heart dragged around for months/years wondering. If she does, well then yay.

Don't be sneaky. Don't try to be a pussy and sugar coat your words or lie, just be up front and honest. Don't lie. Don't Sneak.

 

[Carnagath]

All the cries of `Friendzoned, bro!` are funny to me. I was friends with my boyfriend for months before we started going out.

You are the 1%... That doesn't mean that everyone else should stay in miserable dependent friendzone-type relationships in case 3 years down the line she changes her mind, that's a waste of life, there are plenty of women out there.

 

[Phasmal]

All the cries of `Friendzoned, bro!` are funny to me. I was friends with my boyfriend for months before we started going out.

You are the 1%... That doesn't mean that everyone else should stay in miserable dependent friendzone-type relationships in case 3 years down the line she changes her mind, that's a waste of life, there are plenty of women out there.

I imagine it would be miserable, if you are the kind of guy who pins all his hopes and dreams on one woman, following her around pretending to be her friend while pining away at night. But those guys are not friends. I'm talking about someone who is, actually, your friend- who can pursue other people, but not rule out something more happening later on.

 

[Ieyke]

Just ask her. Seriously.

 

[artanis_neravar]

snip

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First thing: Friend zone doesn't exist. She is either interested in you or she isn't there is no magical amount of days where, once you pass it, she suddenly stops being interested in you.

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I say go for, those are rather clear signals. Granted there is no way to be 100% sure other than to ask her, and even then what's the worse she can do? Go into a sociopathic rage and stab you 300 times? Bah that's no big deal.
But really the worse she can do is say no, and then you know and an move on

 

[Carnagath]

All the cries of `Friendzoned, bro!` are funny to me. I was friends with my boyfriend for months before we started going out.

You are the 1%... That doesn't mean that everyone else should stay in miserable dependent friendzone-type relationships in case 3 years down the line she changes her mind, that's a waste of life, there are plenty of women out there.

I imagine it would be miserable, if you are the kind of guy who pins all his hopes and dreams on one woman, following her around pretending to be her friend while pining away at night. But those guys are not friends. I'm talking about someone who is, actually, your friend- who can pursue other people, but not rule out something more happening later on.

Yeah, you don't really know how men work, you cannot be a true friend to a girl that you are romantically and sexually attracted to, it is just not possible. You CAN be great friends with someone that you find fun, interesting but not attractive, but that's an entirely different thing.

 

[Jitters Caffeine]

All the cries of `Friendzoned, bro!` are funny to me. I was friends with my boyfriend for months before we started going out.

OP: Do you never think that maybe YOU are sending mixed signals? Like being there for her but never making any sort of move? And having her lean in as if to be kissed and then you doing nothing?

Just ASK her, women are not aliens, and we can speak. If you dont ask you wont know.

I can honestly understand not making a move on a girl. I personally don't like coming on as presumptuous or anything like that and almost always wait for her to initiate anything. It can stem from a self esteem thing in people, who knows. I don't know the guy and can't make that call. I just know that for me PERSONALLY, I've always gone from friends with a girl before going further and she's almost always been the one to bring up the possibility of a relationship.